To be sick of giving this woman a lift home?

[MinceandMash]

I’ve got into a habit of giving a woman in my hobby group a lift home. To begin with it was done as a favour but now I feel like it’s become expected and she’s started to wait around for me at the end of a session. One time when I wasn’t able to attend she messaged me on FB asking where I was! I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. For context she lives about five minutes away from me but in the opposite direction meaning I have to drive to her house and then back on myself to get home. She doesn’t drive or own a car so car sharing isn’t an option. How the hell do I get out of this without coming across as a bitch?

I had to read the post twice to make sure I understood the poster intends to ask the passenger for the cost of running the car for four minutes per week.

This is despite the passenger being grateful, asking if it is convenient and giving a gift at Christmas.

I can just imagine the OP and her husband bitching about this poor woman and calculating just how much they should charge her for that four minutes. Will there be a increase in charge if only one of this scintillating couple is present on any journey?

I am beyond gobsmacked, really.

The entitlement and expectation would annoy me tbh.

I couldn't agree more. Some people here wouldn't give you the steam off their pee.

There are 2 types of people on this thread...

The people who have spent half their life being used, and mugged off, by entitled people who think 'well you're going that way anyway, how DARE you not give me a lift!' etc.

And then there are the ones who are the entitled ones, who DO the mugging off, and use people, and who can't fathom why people paying a fortune to run, maintain, and tax and insure a car should not be their free taxi service! 😂

You couldn't make it up. 😁😂

I wouldn't care about the petrol, I might about the time if it's 10 minutes a week, then that's 40 extra minutes a month etc etc. It probably wouldn't bother me, but it would be nice if the friend gave her some flowers or something just to say thank you. I agree asking for petrol money would probably make OP look silly, but then I guess that would add up too. If I was OP I don't think I'd care if the friend was thankful, if she expects it, then yes it would annoy me. Both of my parents are doormats so it probably touches a nerve for me!

You couldn't make it up. 😁😂

You did just make that up, though.

Fortunately, people (even on just this thread) are much more diverse than your brain seems to recognise.

Just make something up next time "oh by the way, I've taken up spinning / basketweaving / an affair after this from next week, so won't be able to give you a lift in future"

Gives her a week's warning, and ensures she'll never ask you again

The problem is those "just two minutes" add up time wise and cost wise. If you break it down on a trip by trip basis then it seems trivial as "it's only 40p a trip" (for example) but when you look at the cost as a whole over a longer period of time then those trivial amounts add up. Then you sound petty asking for a contribution on a weekly basis when it's such a small amount but if you wait a couple of months and then ask for £10 to cover the last couple of months costs then people get narked because you never said anything in the beginning.

Especially at the moment with the cost of living going up, as someone making barely over minimum wage who has had bills go up massively in the last few months, recently o have found I barely have £10 left a few days before payday more often than not so all those "just two minute" trips people are expected to absorb the cost of could literally be the difference between finishing the month in the red or in the black. I'm not about to share my financial situation with everyone I work/volunteer/interact with but as nice as a gift at Christmas is, it doesn't put fuel in the tank or help with the decision of whether to spend my last £10 on fuel to ferry other people around or groceries for DD and I, and I'm not about to say "Sorry Ethel, I can't take you to choir practice as I can't afford the fuel even though it's only an extra couple of miles to pick you up" because it's embarrassing to have to admit that.

Not only that but it's always easy to say "it's only a couple of minutes" but once resentment starts because what was once an occasional favour, or what was supposed to be short term support, turns into an expectation or a long term commitment then it is very hard to get out of that mindset. Even if someone is grateful for the lift it's the extra admin - if you can't go to a class (or just CBA one week) then you have to tell the other person so they can find other transport; you have to work round the expectation of picking up/dropping off someone else.

Sometimes giving lifts to someone very close is worse than someone where you have to detour. At least with a detour you can drop the person off and then decide whether you want to continue home or go back and do your grocery shopping, for example, but if they only live a minute or two away then you either have to drag them on your errands (and even if someone says "Oh it's fine, I don't mind!", I mind and I feel pressured to do things quickly) or instead of going venue > shopping> home you essentially have to go venue>home>shopping>home, so that "two minute" lift has cost you significantly more in time, cost an inconvenience (even if you don't do your shopping and just go straight home then it means you have to go another time which may not be convenient)

Regarding the cost the woman is getting a lift all the way for free. Without the lift she would presumably have a bus fare to pay? So despite the fact it's only 5-10 minutes extra for op lift taker should offer a contribution for her transport

Because its expected..... It would grate on me too.

That’s what you do. Go for fuel, or to the shops, on the way home. Tell her you’re doing that. If it doesn’t suit, she’ll likely whine, but you might find that she self-selects out. Oh, and I’d also say you need to just drop her at yours. (As long as it’s not a dangerous walk to hers from there.)

I never understand these posts where people don't appear to be able to have a normal, adult conversation with another adult. In this case it's about lifts.
Instead of making up all sorts of excuses, why not just say, "I'm sorry but I'm not going to be able to continue with giving you a lift every day, it's very tying for me and I need to stop the current arrangement. I know you'll be disappointed but you'll need to sort out other transport from (tomorrow/next week/the weekend)" And then stop.

Occasionally I offer someone from work a lift into the nearest market town, but only if I'm going that way. I have already said to her that no, I'm not prepared to pick her up in the mornings because it would "tie" me to a specific time, and I don't want to give regular lifts home as it will become a habit and I want to be free to come and go to my workplace as it suits me. But occasionally, if she is absolutely stuck, I will help.

Surely it's not that difficult?

I used to be on the committee of a local kids group. We would have monthly evening meetings hosted by a different member each month. I would always give a lift to two other committee members (A & B) who lived next door to each other. One never had the car because her husband needed it to get to his hobby, the other one’s husband needed their car for work. I was happy to pick them up and drop them home each time.

One day I phoned to ask if they were going to the meeting and I’d pick them up at 7. “No that’s ok” said A, “Dh hasn’t gone to his hobby tonight so I’ve got the car. We’ll see you there”. No offer of a lift. I never offered again and left them to make their own way to and from meetings.

“I’m on a deadline for a promotion I’m going for. I’m back to the office to work on an assignment and my presentation.”

As a PP said, say 'I'm not going your way tonight', repeat until she gets it

I would not recommend going to the shops, etc… as the cf will think that’s a grand idea and start doing her own shopping every week too.

Meanwhile, how about you put her on the spot. Pull into the petrol station and fill up, then say “Since I’ve driven you home every week for a year and you haven’t even offered a penny for petrol money, don’t you think it’s about time it’s your shout?”
THAT might get rid of her!!!

One of the reasons I repeatedly refuse offers of lifts. It's offered, then it's resented

Same. I haven’t accepted a lift in years from anyone except immediate family so only time I’m in a car recently is when I’m taking driving lessons. No-one has shown resentment but I sometimes wonder and think it’s better to be safe than sorry. I am fit and healthy and able to walk /take public transport so that’s what I do. Even when I’m planning “road trips” with friends I prefer to suggest we take the train.

OP be honest with her and explain you need to stop in at stops sometimes and she’ll have to find someone else for lifts or make her own way home another time.

Doesn't bother me who I offer lifts to and ones I gave regular lifts to over the years. I've gone much further out of my way but I dont care, I get to chat and see people in my day so makes up for anything..Only once did I say to a gentleman who started a similar hopping into car after a weekly IT course as he lived 2 streets from me that I had to go shopping that day and he was fine infact apologised and said it hadn't occurred to him I sometimes had things to do after class. And I felt the rewards of it when I got covid last october and was very ill for 3 months, didn't leave the house. These kind people 7 of them that I had been giving lifts home from various classes 6 left lovely food parcels at the door,flowers etc and that more than made up for any lifts I had given. I was truly grateful and totally believe be kind and you will receive it back one day.

@MakeItADouble2 You sound like a CFer and chancer who doesn't think of anyone else but yourself. The OP has MORE than done her share, she didn't intend it to be every single day! She has a right to drive where she wants in her own car! You're clearly not a driver and are so self-absorbed that you can't see that 'only 5 minutes out of her way' adds up. Petrol, time, etc. It's people like you who will reap what you sow because you are so incredibly selfish you can't see it from the OP's point of view. The OP has gone above and beyond.

@doodleygirl Because she doesn't want to! What is it that you don't 'get' about that? OP wants her freedom, her peace, her privacy. She is not a taxi service! You people who don't 'get' that are clearly CFers and chancers who don't think of anyone else but your selfish selves and see anyone with a car as your personal taxi. No woman has to 'be kind' to selfish CFing chancers! How about you CFing chancers try 'being kind' yourself, and stop expecting people to be your free personal chauffeur because you're too lazy to get off your arse and learn to drive like every other normal well-adjusted adult!

@SunshineLoving OP has already 'been kind' for more than long enough. How about we stop expecting women to 'bekind' and instead to be assertive and don't do something they don't want to do? How about the CFing chancer who is taking advantage of the doormat OP bekind? Huh? How about that? How about you people who treat us as your personal taxi service #bekind to us?

And I think the OP knows the woman, her intentions and the wording of the Facebook message better than you.

@LeandraDear

Is this in the evening in the dark?

Does it matter? It's not OP's responsibility. The chancer got the bus there and back before OP came along, she can do it again.

@Mum97540 You truly don't see how the CFer not offering petrol or anything contributes to OP feeling taken advantage of? Are you one of these non-drivers who thinks you're entitled to inconvenience others and don't give a shit 'how they feel? Btw saying thank you doesn't excuse the fact the CFer doesn't offer money and expects the lift so much so she messages to find out where OP is. Thank you really doesn't cut it. "Thank you for inconveniencing yourself for me" doesn't change the fact that she is inconveniencing the OP and expects OP to be ok with it.

@Evasmissingletter In my country it's expected your get your licence as soon as able to ie 16, and get a car. Even very poor people living 100% on welfare have a car, it's nothing to do with disadvantage, it's the social culture of a country. In America for example most kids drive and have a car as soon as old enough. Yet in the UK I have noticed so many people on this site say "I don't drive". It's extremely rare for anyone in America, or even my country (I'm not in America or in the UK) to say "I don't drive". The only people who don't drive in America or in Australia or NZ or Canada or etc etc etc are those with epilepsy or vision issues or some problem that prevents them from getting their licence. Not wanting to drive is simply not an option. You have to get your licence and that's that. It's expected. I've discovered since being on this site that the UK has a completely and utterly different social culture regarding driving than any other country I've ever known. The amount of people who say "I don't drive" is absolutely staggeringly shocking. Where I am you drive and that's that. No discussion. It's like brushing your teeth, or going to school, or paying taxes. You don't have a choice. You get your licence and car and there is no saying no. You just do it. If the UK had a different attitude, and took personal responsibility and stopped being lazy and learned to drive they'd have less people out of work. The UK is so incredibly backward when it comes to no wanting to drive. It should be Drivers Ed in high school and then licence. Compulsory. No choice.

@wurlycurly Why is it always on the good people, the mugs and the doormats to #bekind ? Why don't the CFers and chancers ever bekind? I think the OP has already #beenkind for too long. Stop telling people to #bekind. Try being kind yourself by allowing others to be assertive and have self esteem and self respect.

@alanabennett You're clearly a non-driving CF chancer who has no idea whatsoever how much it costs/wear and tear etc. You really are blissful in your selfish and ungrateful ignorance. :(

Well said! The amount of ignorant CFers on here who say 'it's only a couple of minutes out of the way' boils my blood! No, it bloody well ISN'T 'only' that. You can the see lazy CFs on here who don't drive and expect us drivers to be their personal taxi service and chauffeur! We adulted and got off our arses and got our licence and car, maybe they should try that! Instead of being so lazy and having no initiative and expecting every one to cater to them. They honestly just simply don't 'get' it because they have no personal responsibility and are used to being catered for. Oh and the #bekind aholes can get stuffed! Why is it always on us doormats to #bekind ? Why is it that these CF chancers are never #kind to us? Why is it all one way! Time for the CF chancers to #bekind . For a change.

I like this one. It sets the tone.

This isn't a 'chicken' option - it's very sensible /appropriate- it may not go down well initially but OP - that's not your problem - you've been more than helpful