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Original poster

To be sick of giving this woman a lift home?

412 replies

MinceandMash · 12/02/2023 18:52

I’ve got into a habit of giving a woman in my hobby group a lift home. To begin with it was done as a favour but now I feel like it’s become expected and she’s started to wait around for me at the end of a session. One time when I wasn’t able to attend she messaged me on FB asking where I was! I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. For context she lives about five minutes away from me but in the opposite direction meaning I have to drive to her house and then back on myself to get home. She doesn’t drive or own a car so car sharing isn’t an option. How the hell do I get out of this without coming across as a bitch?

OP posts:
ComfortablyDazed · 13/02/2023 18:23

Redebs · 13/02/2023 18:20

Yes, definitely this.
You may be making a massive impact on her health and wellbeing for all you know.
It's not much. Think of it as your good deed for the week.

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How do you feel defending someone who is completely taking the OP for granted, and hasn’t even bothered to give the OP anything by way of thanks?

Would you behave like that….? If not, why are you defending it?

If the OP’s making a ‘massive impact on her health and wellbeing’, don’t you think she could - just maybe - show some gratitude?

Given that she hasn’t, doesn’t that rather tell us it’s nothing to do with her ‘health and wellbeing’, and she just using the OP for easy lifts?

ensayers · 13/02/2023 18:25

About 15 years ago I started giving my elderly neighbour a lift to Asda on a Tuesday. It's still happening even though I stopped using asda about 14 and a half years ago lol. Now I just park in the car park and wait for her lol
It's difficult to get out of a routine when it starts especially when they start to rely on you a bit. I'm too soft I know.

stacyvaron · 13/02/2023 18:28

Why is such a big deal for you to go 5 minutes out of your way to help someone? Is that really the person you are?

Petlover9 · 13/02/2023 18:32

Airspice · 13/02/2023 17:58

Yep this would really annoy me, it’s the expectation. I would just start saying you can’t give a lift ‘this week’ because you’re going straight to a friends/weekly shop/ailing relatives until she gets the hint

Many years ago I worked about a mile and half from my house and a girl who began the same day as me got a bit cheeky. It started one Friday when I was going grocery shopping and she asked for a lift to the town about 2 miles away but then expected me to drop her home which was about 3 miles from there. I was really low on fuel and said that I couldn't do it as I might not get home and didn't have enough cash left (long before Cards were the norm) she made remarks about not buying so much if she had known she would have to carry it. I said I was sorry but could not risk running out of fuel. On the Monday I decided to walk to work as the weather was nice and she hung around me when it was time to leave, we got outside and I started to walk through the park, she followed, after a bit she asked where my car was parked. I explained that I had walked for the exercise AND to save on fuel. She was really annoyed and said that she thought I was filling my car over the weekend and could "drop" her home (4-5 miles in the opposite direction to mine). I just said that I had to find ways to save where I could and that I had household bills etc. and as I lived alone I had to watch the pennies. CF said " Oh I don't have that problem my mum pays those". She eventually stopped asking me but was heard asking where others lived.

Honeypig · 13/02/2023 18:32

I remember when I used to teach at night school. On my way out one time I saw a mum of one of my daughters friends waiting for a taxi. I knew she kind of lived on my way and also was not rolling in cash. I offered her a lift after that and the deal became i dropped her at the main road… she would then walk the 2 blocks in the side street….she insisted on this. She never took it for granted and even though i refused petrol money she would now and again still ask.

However, if it was out of my way like the OP then i’d be miffed too. I think it’s finding a polite way to put it is hard but i think i would say i was going somewhere straight after as feel it breaks it down gently.

ComfortablyDazed · 13/02/2023 18:32

stacyvaron · 13/02/2023 18:28

Why is such a big deal for you to go 5 minutes out of your way to help someone? Is that really the person you are?

And I’ll ask the same question to you, as well.

How do you feel defending someone who is completely taking the OP for granted, and hasn’t even bothered to give the OP anything by way of thanks?

Would you behave like that….? If not, why are you defending it?

Poppingmad123 · 13/02/2023 18:33

Does she pay towards the petrol? Does she thank you in other ways?

I would tell her you don’t want to do pick ups and drop offs anymore.

If she wants a lift she’ll have to come to you and you’ll drop back off at yours as well.

Maybe she’ll make her own way after that.

You don’t need to give any reason why you don’t want to chauffeur her just state you don’t want to do that anymore. You can say you can’t afford the petrol as it is so need to tighten your belt. She may offer to contribute which might soften the blow or if you don’t want to do lifts just say no. No, it doesn’t work for me. No further reasons needed.

Or you could say I feel like I’m being taken advantage of which is the truth and leave it there. I really don’t understand how people can become so entitled!

R18 · 13/02/2023 18:35

I was in the same boat with a colleague then one night I had to get a family member from hospital so Said sorry I happy to give you a lift but I need to get to the hospital to pick up. She looked so shocked but said its oh ok I will walk thats why god gave me legs I quick said oh ok if your shore. She never had a lift a gain 3 years on i see her it turns out my boss/friend had told her to get a grip I was doing it for free to stop moaning and walk.
I would just say sorry but tonight I have to be quick and get home... see what she says.

Loxah · 13/02/2023 18:38

MinceandMash · 13/02/2023 07:50

The colleague I often give a lift to bought me a bottle of wine and a box of chocolates for Christmas to say thank you. I didn’t expect it at all but also I know if I were struggling they’d reciprocate. That’s the big difference here. It’s appreciated.

So, your actual problem is the fact that you're getting nothing out of it. Does she at least say 'thanks'?

pinkyredrose · 13/02/2023 18:39

alanabennett · 13/02/2023 00:05

I couldn't agree more. Some people here wouldn't give you the steam off their pee.

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I'm so stealing that quote!

MeridianB · 13/02/2023 18:49

What do you plan to do @MinceandMash ?

Kennykenkencat · 13/02/2023 18:51

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 13/02/2023 08:52

You misunderstand me I was talking about the UK non-driving culture in general regarding driving, because there are so many posters on here that say they 'don't drive' and they're middle class, not just low socioeconomic.

And as I said, even the poorest of the poor in other countries still have driving lessons, tests, and buy a car etc. Even the poorest socioeconomic people manage to do it. And those on welfare. So it's not really a justification because poor people in other countries do it, so there is no reason they can't in the UK.

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But it isn’t quite the same to say poor people in other countries can get driving lessons and afford a car.

Do these poor peoples countries charge them £2.10 per litre of fuel as it was a few weeks ago.
Do they have the equivalent of getting a car through its MOT. Paying tax on it at £275 per year.

Do they have road tolls, congestion and ULEZ zone charges that cost £27.50 per day.
Or parking charges that can add anything from £2 per hour to £2 for 20 minutes parking.

When they learn to drive does it cost them £35-£40 per hour for lessons

All this stuff adds up. It’s not a case of saying because someone in a poor country can learn to drive, they can afford it why can’t you in the U.K.

I wonder how many poor people in these countries would learn to drive and keep a car on the road if it cost as much as it goes in the U.K.

WTAFhappened123 · 13/02/2023 18:53

Thighlengthboots · 13/02/2023 08:31

Exactly this. If the OP never attended this group the woman would have to pay for public transport back so she should give that money she has saved to the OP. She’s still better off as bus fare is nowhere near what a taxi would cost so she’s still getting a good deal out of this by getting a car ride home for the cost of the bus. It’s about manners and showing appreciation. Honestly it’s no wonder some people in this thread say they feel drivers get resentful if they never offer to contribute anything - then they act absolutely baffled as to why the drivers seem pissed off. Seems like some people are lacking even the most basic of social skills 🙄

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This!!

VivX · 13/02/2023 18:55

Personally, I would not offer too much of a reason as to why you can't give her a lift because she might just invite herself along...
eg, "I can't give you a lift as I'm going to the shop"
"Oh, that's fine, I can come to the shop too and pick up a few bits"
Before you know it, you'll also be taking her for her weekly shop after the hobby.

Just say you can't because it isn't convenient. Message her ahead of time so that she knows in advance and doesn't put you on the spot when you're leaving.

Kennykenkencat · 13/02/2023 18:56

stacyvaron · 13/02/2023 18:28

Why is such a big deal for you to go 5 minutes out of your way to help someone? Is that really the person you are?

But it isn’t just the 5 minutes. It’s having someone in the car with you when you just want to be on your own.

Its the extra 5 minutes + the journey to and from the hobby.

It’s stopping op from doing what she wants to do.

CM1897 · 13/02/2023 18:57

This reply has been deleted

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clairelouwho · 13/02/2023 18:59

Loxah · 13/02/2023 18:38

So, your actual problem is the fact that you're getting nothing out of it. Does she at least say 'thanks'?

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I think that is really disingenuous.

It's clear what the OP meant. Her colleague showed a bit of acknowledgement and appreciation for the favour being done for her, and OP feels that if she were in a similar spot, her colleague would step in and help out as well.

With the woman at the hobby club, there isn't any feeling of genuine appreciation or acknowledgement of the favour being done. It's just that the woman expects it and feels entitled to it. There are definitely people, who once they know how close you live to them, will automatically take it as their entitlement to a free lift for life.

I'm sure OP would feel slightly better about the arrangement if the woman actually acknowledged it with a small token to say thank you. Instead of it just being something expected that is done with no real thanks.

CM1897 · 13/02/2023 19:00

ensayers · 13/02/2023 18:25

About 15 years ago I started giving my elderly neighbour a lift to Asda on a Tuesday. It's still happening even though I stopped using asda about 14 and a half years ago lol. Now I just park in the car park and wait for her lol
It's difficult to get out of a routine when it starts especially when they start to rely on you a bit. I'm too soft I know.

You sound lovely

clairelouwho · 13/02/2023 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

All that being the case, how does that entitle you to lifts off other people?

CM1897 · 13/02/2023 19:02

clairelouwho · 13/02/2023 19:00

All that being the case, how does that entitle you to lifts off other people?

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Where did I say it did? I’m purely pointing out this lady is closed minded to think ‘every normal person would learn to drive’

I get free bus travel. Thanks

Missingpop · 13/02/2023 19:04

Just tell her that with the cost of living you can’t keep going the extra miles; so you can drop her at the point where you’d need to turn off but from there she will have to make her own way home; hopefully she will get public transport home either that or just say sorry I’m calling in on a friend each week

MojoDaysxx · 13/02/2023 19:07

Get her to pay towards your petrol costs.

Mainlinethehappy · 13/02/2023 19:20

The cost of petrol. “Sorry - I need to cut back and petrol’s one of my expenses I need to slash”
But then she could offer money.
so maybe time… is there something you could need to get back for?

Bluekerfuffle · 13/02/2023 19:26

MinceandMash · 12/02/2023 21:30

To answer some questions no she’s never offered me petrol money, but to be honest that’s not the problem really it’s the expectation that I’ll always do it. Last week she even followed me out to the car park and to my car. Sometimes I’d like to be able to pop to the shops or get petrol on the way home.

So do that. No one getting a lift would object to that and if they did, too bad.

VivX · 13/02/2023 19:29

BettyBoo123456 · 12/02/2023 22:20

I give someone a lift there and back to a hobby (she also doesn’t drive either now due a health condition). It was my own fault for offering, in the first place. She is ok to chat to in the car 8/10 times but sometimes she is a bit much and it drives me mad as now times has gone on more and more often she isn’t ready and keeps me waiting (before she comes out of the house, chatting to people for ages after the hobby and blissfully unaware I am ready to leave and then sometimes she asks me to stop at a pharmacy, at a supermarket or at the post office etc. which can be a pain and takes time). She only lives about two minutes drive away from my house but we take equipment so I pick her up but its a 10 mile drive each way. She never offers petrol but I am going anyway. But she never offers a bottle of wine, bar of choc or a small bunch of supermarket flowers or anything a term (which would be nice as a gesture).

Surely you simply say to her that you need to leave on time (no further explanation is needed), both on the way there and on the way back, or she makes her own way there/back - and then don't wait for her, just go without her and she'll soon get the idea.

I also wouldn't detour to pharmacies/supermarkets and so on... simply say you don't have time (again, you don't need to elaborate) or you can drop them off at a point on the way, so that they can continue with their errand on foot and then go on with your journey home without her.

I used to give a lift to/from to someone work every day, five days a week.
He would have to wait at a pre-agreed spot en route in the morning and be outside my work at the end of the day and that is also where he was dropped off in the evening.
If he wasn't there or late then he simply wouldn't get a lift. I never got into a discussion about lateness or missed lifts and he never took the piss.