To be sick of giving this woman a lift home?

[MinceandMash]

I’ve got into a habit of giving a woman in my hobby group a lift home. To begin with it was done as a favour but now I feel like it’s become expected and she’s started to wait around for me at the end of a session. One time when I wasn’t able to attend she messaged me on FB asking where I was! I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. For context she lives about five minutes away from me but in the opposite direction meaning I have to drive to her house and then back on myself to get home. She doesn’t drive or own a car so car sharing isn’t an option. How the hell do I get out of this without coming across as a bitch?

Why can't someone else take her home? She doesn't even live in your direction ? You said she lives 5 mins in opposite direction to your home

Or is it that it's a long way to and from the hobby/ club and she does live in your direction but you go past your house to drop her off and then back on yourself for 5 mins to get home?

Either way she doesn't seem grateful , doesn't offer petrol money for the whole journey (you're saving her bus or train fayre) or give you little gifts like chocolates every now and then etc to say thanks and is taking you for granted.

Given she's not a friend and you're feeling out upon, you can just stop the lifts. "I can't do it anymore, got errands to run" you won't lose anything

She gets herself there so can get herself home. If it's only 5 mins she can catch a taxi Uber or bus.

I used to give a friend a lift into uni as a postgrad in same course.

It was 15 mins out of my way in rush hour rather than my taking a more direct route. I liked her company.

But she started taking the p*ss
Making me wait 10 mins to pick her up on the way when I arrived as she "wasn't ready, " making me late for my lectures and then I'd be unable to get parking space and have to drive much further out and be late

I told her to be ready at the door by X time. I'd wait no more than 3 mins & leave. I did leave a few times after 5 mins... so she decided to miss her whole day of lectures as she couldn't be bothered to catch bus in. She asked to copy my lecture notes!

After a couple months (of my then younger self) feeling annoyed m, one day she was so late getting ready it was heavily pouring she out hee bag in my car then ran back into her house to get something leaving me waiting so long it was 15 mins in the end. As we were so late and it was pouring she told me to drop her off outside our lecture hall so she wasn't late & didn't get wet

That was the last lift I gave her

Funnily enough, It saved our friendship -by blowing up at her later about ungrateful behaviour - & by not giving her anymore lifts!

I know it's not same as OP's situation but you might have been friends with this lady, but whilst you resent the lifts and whilst she isn't appreciating or thanking you, I think you're better off saying no more, I've done my bit.

It was a good lesson I learnt that people who use you and get away with it, will like you less than if you put your foot down. The same way you like yourself less and them less.

I don't think it sounds like that much of a pain if I'm honest it wouldn't really bug me that much. That said it's your choice entirely but if you don't want to take her, just tell her. If you really can't face it saying you are henceforth unable to give a lift as you are going to another thing after now will do the job.

Agree an offer of petrol money or the occasional small token would probably have made a difference here and that's fair enough.

I wouldn't stop OP. You've said yourself it's hardly out your way. You both enjoy the hobby. You sound like you're just being awkward

Found another CF.

You sound like an unmitigated CF.

I’ll play devils advocate and maybe she’s like me and ruddy lonely, I have no friends where I live and I’d be grateful if someone spent 5 mins chatting to me (I have to say I’d defo buy her hobby stuff or leave money in the car even tho I drive myself now) she maybe like that perhaps? X

Yep this would really annoy me, it’s the expectation. I would just start saying you can’t give a lift ‘this week’ because you’re going straight to a friends/weekly shop/ailing relatives until she gets the hint

I am (occasionally) that passenger. But I will ALWAYS wait till someone offers me a lift rather than expecting it. Otherwise it's the bus home. Or I will say I'm going to catch the bus and see if I am offered a lift. I absolutely don't expect it at all, and if they don't offer, then fair enough - there could be loads of reasons.

@MinceandMash I get why you feel it is tying if you want to do something else after the hobby class is finished - but in all honesty, if you've been doing it for a while, without complaint, I don't think the lady is being unreasonable just to assume there is any reason why you wouldn't want to give her a lift home to be honest, as it has become established, so I think your annoyance that 'she followed you out to the carpark' is very unreasonable.

However, I have been there myself and the annoyance DOES happen when you feel you want to do something else instead of going straight home. The actual distance wouldn't bother me since it so near, but feeling I'm not free to do other things does - and did! So if that is the main problem making you resentful then I would suggest you have several options without refusing to ever give her a lift:

1. Tell her when you arrive at the group that you can't give her a lift home on that night because you are not going straight home
2. Tell her that you are e.g. going to the shops after the group meeting and you may be a while and give her the option of coming with you and waiting in the car or getting the bus home as you might be a while
3. Or if you are going for petrol give her the option to come with you or get the bus

If it was me, I would happily give her a lift When it suits ME and not when it doesn't. It can be hard to say so, but if it is done in advance, she should understand without falling out with you?

Messaging to ask where you are could just be checking on how you are….I do this to people who are missing from events they usually attend.
Honestly, I think YABU. 5 whole minutes in the other way? Dire

God, I got into a similar situation with a previous work colleague, it was a bloody nightmare. She was a CF and I would guard against doing a good turn like offer a lift again because if it! In the end, I had to make an excuse that I had to leave 15 mins earlier and changed my hours to match it…no suggestions, but you you have my sympathy!

I'd say to her you do realise you live further than me so I need to stop this arrangement unless you can start chipping in as fuel is still quite expensive. I didn't realise this was going to become a regular thing

Because most individuals do not like facing their own feelings, nor the ones of others.

Nothing keeps anyone from being truthful, yet kind.

"Hey, I am sorry, I have offered you a lift at the beginning and I didn't mind doing so now and then, but I am starting to feel resentful to drive you home each time when I live in the opposite direction.
I don't mean to make you feel bad, but I thought it'd be better to be honest with you so we can keep appreciating each other, rather than for me to grow resentful, I hope you understand."

A reasonable person would understand, apologise or maybe explain why they were looking forward to be driven home (could be she has some chronic condition and this lift meant a lot for her to be in less pain/be less tired) which could have made them look as ungrateful and such.

An unreasonable person would try to convince you to still do it, hold a grudge against you etc...

No reason to feel bad for denying the unreasonable person those lifts and unfriend them altogether.

But having been honest would grant you in exchange the truth on who they are, while granting them the truth about who you are.

Isn't it nicer than having people pretending while grinding their teeth from their dislike of their own fakeness?

That is just very rude on her part to assume.

Start being busy after the hobby each time, whether you really are or not.
For example
'Sorry can't give a lift today I've got to go completely other direction to visit family.'
Sorry can't offer lift I've got to go do the weekly shop and get back at a reasonable time.'
'Sorry my pet/child/partner has an important appointment/meeting/event etc I need to get straight to so you'll need to arrange alternative transport.'

Hopefully after a few instances she'll get the message. If not being blunt but diplomatic may be your only way forward.

OP why dont just message her and tell her that you are just letting her know that you now have a commitment straight after the hobby class in the opposite direction so she will need to make other arrangements to get home going forward. If you do it before the next class at least she knows that she cant expect a lift and should make another arrangement to get home and hopefully you can still be amicable without it turning awkward. I doubt if she will ask what you are doing.

I think it does come down to how much you like them and how much they like you. She might really like your company and you refusing would be a rejection. There’s no fast rule. I remember before I could drive how grateful I was for lifts. It’s difficult. Now I’ll sometimes go by bus so I don’t have the responsibility of driving others home! Good luck. I hope she takes the hint that you are not happy and at least gifts you in some way. It is a kind act.

Tell her you go straight to your daughters/Friends etc right afterwards now
and sorry your unable to give her a lift in future
or something like that, seems to me she’s taking advantage of your kindness.

I had this problem years ago with a colleague. It started with her wanting a lift to work and then back home but then she started begging to pop into a supermarket after work and she would take over 30 minutes in there, also we would almost end up late to work because she took forever to leave her house in the mornings and some evenings she'd expect me to stay at work 30 minutes extra to give her a lift home! So I feel your pain and have never again offered anyone a lift home again unless it's an emergency! In the end I stopped the habit after my mum said she hates me coming home late and that I spend more time at work then at home, she was right. I explained this to my colleague and she was understanding and stopped being so demanding and expectant of a lift. She used to beg, pretty please my friend can you ride me home in such a way it was hard to say no without feeling like a meanie lol

Yes, definitely this.
You may be making a massive impact on her health and wellbeing for all you know.
It's not much. Think of it as your good deed for the week.

It's the principal. It's not just the extra 5/10 minutes, it's the expectation. I wanted to travel around more conveniently than public transport could off so I spent a lot of time and money learning to drive, bought a car and pay a lot of money to keep it going. Why should someone else who didn't bother to go to that effort or expense reep the same benefits having a car offers? Especially when they just take it for granted.

I've been stuck in this situation before. I was only 19 and offered a woman a lift home once in the opposite direction because her husband couldn't come and get her one night and it was torrential rain. She ended up expecting a lift whenever we were on shift together and even offered my lift to someone else, so I was taking 2 women home. Their route home had a railway crossing and we'd sometimes get stuck at that for ages. Sometimes it would add an extra half hour on and when the shift finished at 10pm I just wanted to get home ASAP. There was no offer of petrol money, just clearly taking the piss out of a young girl. I ended up just telling her I wasn't able to take her home anymore as it was adding a lot of extra time into my journey home. At this point I didn't care if she wasn't happy because I didn't think she was a very nice woman after doing what she did.

I think u need ur space which is lovely in morning/ evening or whenever
I’ve done this in the past never again
my car is my own ,bloody cheek saying u had to leave earlier coz of de-icing the car bugger that !!

This would drive me insane