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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What is going on with parenting these days?

667 replies

whocaresaboutbeingpopular · 11/02/2023 22:26

Ok, so as my name change suggests I am aware this won’t be popular. My children are almost adults, youngest is 17 this year.

me and OH are away this weekend, we went to a place that to be fair we were aware would be full of kids; but we didn’t think that would matter as we don’t dislike having children around, however, since when did it become a thing to….

put your kids in front of a screen when they are having a meal? Not to mention having full volume of Peppa Fucking Pig?

let your kids shriek at high pitch continuously?

let your 18 month old walk themselves down the stairs despite a massive queue of people behind t? Ffs pick them up!

yes, no doubt I sound a right miserable bastard, but come on - is this how people are raising their kids these day? Bring on the entitled generation.

OP posts:
Miisty · 14/02/2023 06:34

I looked after 2children(paid nanny) while their mother went in a course and had to stay overnight zither issue was the 4year old had never ever sat at a table to eat a meal Sat in front of the tv Goodness knows what he will do with school dinners and couldn’t use a knife and fork Also had TV in bedroom chose of bedtime story or Tv not both story one Trouble is out with children mobile phones take over and a bad distraction We are contactable 24/7 years. Ago just landline

Stewball01 · 14/02/2023 06:42

Parents no longer discipline their children.

Morestrangethings · 14/02/2023 06:52

“Parents no longer discipline their children”

Said every generation ever.

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 14/02/2023 06:54

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 13/02/2023 23:17

They’ve never watched TV?

Show quote history

Not whilst eating a meal, no.

Brieandcamembert · 14/02/2023 07:04

You can always tell the children that don't sit for family meals at the table at home , as they can't tolerate sitting still. They need to roam, watch screens etc. If we all taught children to sit at the table as an expectation at home they wouldn't misbehave half as much when out.

thehorsehasnowbolted · 14/02/2023 07:16

YANBU OP

canonlydoblue · 14/02/2023 07:24

The amount of people trying to justify screens by comparing them to colouring or reading or playing cards - you do know they are completely different don’t you. There are actually physical processes involved that you cannot replicate with a screen.

MatronicO6 · 14/02/2023 07:37

FieldofTulips · 13/02/2023 23:04

That was actually my thought too! Thank God you are not a teacher! As in many well advanced countries the use of iPads in schools is considered super important starting from primary and kids grow up speaking at least 3 or 4 languages somehow. Better than being forced to colour endless colouring books and being threatened to leave if children make any noise or express any feelings at all at every pub their parents want to stop by at. For some parents it's about the substance and not some lady sitting on the next table. For others it's about your child saying 'yes please and sorry' at the right time.

My kids usually play language games in Chinese for example that they are currently learning whilst we are waiting for food when we are out. However all you would see is

' omg she gave them screens'.

Show quote history

Ipads are great for learning and there is definitely a big difference between using an ipad to watch Netflix and playing a maths game. However, in class there is an expectation that the volume is turned off or low so as not to disturb the other children in the class and respect the environment. If teachers can manage to get a class of 30 kids to do respect others, it's reasonable to presume parents should teach their own kids to be mindful of others.

Peaplant20 · 14/02/2023 07:47

To backup that every generation thinks this… a quote…

“The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households“

Its from Socrates… you know, the Ancient Greek philosopher!

Peaplant20 · 14/02/2023 07:49

Brieandcamembert · 14/02/2023 07:04

You can always tell the children that don't sit for family meals at the table at home , as they can't tolerate sitting still. They need to roam, watch screens etc. If we all taught children to sit at the table as an expectation at home they wouldn't misbehave half as much when out.

Not true. My 18mo sits in the high chair for every meal at home without a screen.

Peaplant20 · 14/02/2023 07:56

Also, it’s quite telling that I posted about my 18mo and screen time in restaurants genuinely asking for some advice and not a single person replied, all
the comments since have just been everyone arguing with each other and the OP has replied to many of the comments but not mine.

Cuppasoupmonster · 14/02/2023 07:58

I don’t think someone who can directly quote Socrates needs any help from arguing women on the Internet 🙄

AGoldenNarwhal · 14/02/2023 08:05

Children nowadays are much better-behaved in many ways than in previous generations. They might annoy you in restaurants, but later on they drink less, smoke less, engage in less risky behaviours, are more socially aware and place more value on friendships, experiences and personal connection. Their parents spend more quality time with them.

They also face different challenges, including screen-time, social media, intense competition for resources and an education system that pushes them too hard, too young. In many ways, we adults should be apologising to children for bequeathing them such a fucked up world, not moaning because we have to wait a couple of minutes for a toddler to walk down some stairs.

UncannySerenity · 14/02/2023 08:09

Like most of this stuff, it’s not black and white.

There is lots I prefer about modern child upbringing. Not smacking. Actually listening to them and encouraging them to express their feelings. A bigger focus on reporting bullying. Allowing talk about mental health.

What is not so good in my view is the idea of not saying no, and not enforcing boundaries. I remember going out with a bunch of kids and parents after the seven plus exam and the others allowing their kids to fold menus into paper planes and fly them round the restaurant. Annoying staff and other diners. My kids did not join in as they knew it was poor behaviour. The other kids were then allowed to make ‘cocktails’ ie pour ketchup, salt etc into the water jug. These were not toddlers. When kids are annoying others, parents should step in.

I don’t care if other young kids watch screens as long as the volume is off. I don’t think there has been enough research on how iPads etc affect cognitive development in children long term but that’s the parents’ look out. Just keep the sound down and I am not bothered!

I do think consideration to others is needed. Even if it’s hard to do the strict boundaries thing with your children. It pays off in the end.

Original poster
whocaresaboutbeingpopular · 14/02/2023 08:10

Peaplant20 · 14/02/2023 07:56

Also, it’s quite telling that I posted about my 18mo and screen time in restaurants genuinely asking for some advice and not a single person replied, all
the comments since have just been everyone arguing with each other and the OP has replied to many of the comments but not mine.

This thread has over 500 posts - I can’t reply to them all - it would be too much screen time 😃

re your 18 month old - what do you think parents of challenging 18mo did before screens were commonplace? Why don’t you do a parenting programme such as incredible years? And that is not a comment to put you down - too many parents refuse to do parenting programmes because they think it’s an insult to them - why? Nobody automatically knows how to parent their child - it’s about learning as you go along and making use of what is available to give them the best start and outcomes.

And before someone tries to turn this around on me - yes I have done more than one parenting programme; the last being Take 3 when I was struggling with my teen’s behaviour - despite the fact I work with teenagers.

OP posts:
Spikeyball · 14/02/2023 08:12

"You can always tell the children that don't sit for family meals at the table at home , as they can't tolerate sitting still."

You are wrong. They are different environments. When eating out there are far more distractions and it is a different sensory environment.

Spikeyball · 14/02/2023 08:18

"too many parents refuse to do parenting programmes because they think it’s an insult to them - why?"

Parenting programmes are sometimes inappropriate for a child's needs. Many parents of children with Asd have had to sit through programmes giving inappropriate advice often delivered by someone without expertise and delaying the child getting proper support.

Peaplant20 · 14/02/2023 08:36

whocaresaboutbeingpopular · 14/02/2023 08:10

This thread has over 500 posts - I can’t reply to them all - it would be too much screen time 😃

re your 18 month old - what do you think parents of challenging 18mo did before screens were commonplace? Why don’t you do a parenting programme such as incredible years? And that is not a comment to put you down - too many parents refuse to do parenting programmes because they think it’s an insult to them - why? Nobody automatically knows how to parent their child - it’s about learning as you go along and making use of what is available to give them the best start and outcomes.

And before someone tries to turn this around on me - yes I have done more than one parenting programme; the last being Take 3 when I was struggling with my teen’s behaviour - despite the fact I work with teenagers.

Show quote history

I appreciate the suggestion but it’s a 12 week course of 2-3 h a week. I haven’t washed my hair in a week let alone have time for a 2h course every week! It also covers loads of areas I don’t need help with and is $1000 (can’t see a price in £) which I certainly can’t afford. I’m really just seeking some practical tips on this one specific issue.

Tiredalwaystired · 14/02/2023 08:41

Our local council
offer free parenting programmes. Might be worth looking there?

Original poster
whocaresaboutbeingpopular · 14/02/2023 08:44

Peaplant20 · 14/02/2023 08:36

I appreciate the suggestion but it’s a 12 week course of 2-3 h a week. I haven’t washed my hair in a week let alone have time for a 2h course every week! It also covers loads of areas I don’t need help with and is $1000 (can’t see a price in £) which I certainly can’t afford. I’m really just seeking some practical tips on this one specific issue.

Show quote history

Are you in the U.K.? Most local authorities provide parenting support for free - some of them are online so you don’t need to go in person.

Lots of info on google about weaning children off screens - you could search more thoroughly but I found this on first search

www.parentclub.scot/articles/your-guide-screen-time

OP posts:
VoluptuaGoodshag · 14/02/2023 08:44

My youngest is of similar age to yours OP, and fwiw I agree with you. Obviously a kid kicking off has always happened but yes too many are indulged imo So it happens more.
Whilst I’m sure a significant part can be related to the rise of screens, I remember being against certain policies that were introduced when my kids were at nursery and playgroup. Two stick in my mind:

  • my daughter’s playgroup, a wonderful place with lovely older women who’d raised their own kids got marked down for NOT having a computer/screen available when reviewed by Ofsted.
  • the nursery my son went to was run similarly. It was a glorious community nursery in a church hall, with many older women. At snack time all the kids had to sit at one giant table and interact and learn table manners. Then came along Curriculum for Excellence and the ‘child led’ approach. Meant the kids could just snack when they wanted and with no structure. Meant the staff had to constantly have snacks available so couldn’t interact with kids as much. Staff also had to observe kids so they could tick a box as to whether junior knew what a triangle was rather than just interact with them and use their experience/instinct to highlight if junior needed extra help with something. It was so much more chaotic and it made me sad.
We have never watched the TV whilst eating unless for something exceptional, it’s always been at the table with no screens. Nor have phones/screens ever been allowed in kids’ bedrooms at night. It’s two small things but dinner at the table was the place where we could all talk to each other and hear how everyone’s day had gone.
TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 14/02/2023 08:52

canonlydoblue · 14/02/2023 07:24

The amount of people trying to justify screens by comparing them to colouring or reading or playing cards - you do know they are completely different don’t you. There are actually physical processes involved that you cannot replicate with a screen.

For the millionth and one time - it depends what apps your kids use.

Hows a colour by numbers on an app different to using colouring sheets at the table?

MatronicO6 · 14/02/2023 08:54

Peaplant20 · 14/02/2023 08:36

I appreciate the suggestion but it’s a 12 week course of 2-3 h a week. I haven’t washed my hair in a week let alone have time for a 2h course every week! It also covers loads of areas I don’t need help with and is $1000 (can’t see a price in £) which I certainly can’t afford. I’m really just seeking some practical tips on this one specific issue.

Show quote history

www.netdoctor.co.uk/parenting/baby-and-toddler/advice/a26532/the-tricks-a-nanny-uses-to-take-children-out-for-a-meal/

www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/manners/tips-for-dining-out-with-toddlers/

yourkidstable.com/keep-your-child-seated-for-meals/

Peaplant20 · 14/02/2023 08:56

Thanks both but the link is about screen time in general.. LO has very low screen time so that’s not the issue it’s more how to deal with the restaurant situation which is why I’m also not looking for a parenting course just tips for dealing with this specific scenario I thought some people on here might have some advice! I’ve googled before and tried all the tips like walking around the restaurant and not putting them in the high chair until the food comes, taking toys, books, practicing at home etc. I thought there might be some lived experienced advice from people on here that are so opinionated about it!

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 14/02/2023 08:56

AGoldenNarwhal · 14/02/2023 08:05

Children nowadays are much better-behaved in many ways than in previous generations. They might annoy you in restaurants, but later on they drink less, smoke less, engage in less risky behaviours, are more socially aware and place more value on friendships, experiences and personal connection. Their parents spend more quality time with them.

They also face different challenges, including screen-time, social media, intense competition for resources and an education system that pushes them too hard, too young. In many ways, we adults should be apologising to children for bequeathing them such a fucked up world, not moaning because we have to wait a couple of minutes for a toddler to walk down some stairs.

Agree with this.

Also I do think in a world that their predecessors have destroyed, we need to show them that waste is in the past and technology is the future. I hate seeing reams of paper being left on tables in restaurants, if we ARE teaching kids about values teach them about little things that can go a long way to help the planet. This is why I get e-vouchers for kids for presents and email to parents - they usually ask for Apple so the kids can make in-app purchases and I think it’s great!