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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cut my Mother out of my life for good?????

40 replies

emzzzzz · 08/02/2008 08:23

Try to keep this short, but she abused me all my life, and as an adult I have suffered mental health issues and depression directly linked to this abuse. However I have kept in touch and tried to have a normal relationship!

I have recently had a stay in a mental health unit, but did not hear from my mum.
Since discharge have not heard from her, beside myself with worry, eventually hubbie called her and asked her to phone me.

She shouted at me saying I had ruined her life (I have done nothing of the sort, I have been a model daughter)

Anyway she then accused me of not looking after my own kids properly and the end of the conversation she said

"Why don't you do us all a favour and stick a kitchen knife through your neck and kill yourself"

To which I replied I never wanted anything to do with her again and she was not my mum.

It feels like i've had a weight lifted off my shoulders - this womam has dominated my life for 33 years, and I am finally free from her - what do you all think????

OP posts:

Mellieandmin · 08/02/2008 13:08

Well done emzzzz, much the braver and bigger person to walk away head held high than the person who stays to fight and will usually come off worse. You have your kids and your DH and I bet a whole host of mates. You can do without someone else's baggage in life, lets face it most of us have enough of our own to handle.

One day at a time, you will feel better and better I bet. Good luck and stay brave.

bitofadramaqueen · 08/02/2008 13:13

What an awful situation for you to be in.

Like some of the other posts, I did wonder whether your mum did have some mental health issues herself. I dont have any experience of that myself, but I know if it was a friend of mine in your shoes I'd really encourage her to get some support from others who've faced similar problems. Maybe some of the other posts people have mentioned would be a good start.

Trolleydolly71 · 08/02/2008 13:31

Message withdrawn

LovesCats · 08/02/2008 13:45

YANBU

I too, at 39, have cut all contact with my mother.
Also, like you, I feel a weight has been lifted...however, I did it for reasons nowhere near as bad as yours.

Stay away from her with your conscience totally clear. Never falter, because you are totally in the right and she has no right to apply the word 'mother' to herself.

Good luck.

Mikafan · 08/02/2008 13:51

Good for you, I wouldn't give her a second thought.

bubblepop · 08/02/2008 13:55

yanbu.sorry havn't read the whole thread but i suspect your mother has'nt got a very healthy outlook herself,she does'nt sound the most balanced of people. do yourself a favour and walk away...x

micegg · 08/02/2008 14:23

I am in the same position, only a few years down the line. I havent spoken to my dad for nearly 2 years. I honestly do not miss him. There are times when its hard but its definately better for myself and the family. Good luck.

duchesse · 08/02/2008 15:03

I just wanted to add that behaviour pattern is very typical of abusive people- do something horrible, and then pretend nothing happened or that you really care about the person and do these things because you love them. It's warped and completely messes with a child's mind.

Emzzz, may your healing begin!

Original poster

emzzzzz · 08/02/2008 18:37

Thanks for all you replies. I feel a bit weird at the mo, I suppose cos it's only just happened, and I will expect to go through some sort of grieving process, but I feel so much better already, knowing I haven't got her on my case all the time, criticising me and being horrid - I have myself, my 2 kids and DH to think about xxxxxx

Thanks for your support xxx

OP posts:

Original poster

emzzzzz · 10/02/2008 16:06

UPDATE:
She has texted me every morning now saying the same thing - hope I feel better.
I've not replied, if she wanted to make up with me that badly surely she would have rung or driven up by now???

I hope she doesn't - I just can't take much more

OP posts:

duchesse · 10/02/2008 18:31

Be strong! She is trying to get to flip back into tried and tested patterns of behaviour. You may think you"re struggling to break, but it may be less problematic than her struggle to give up being abusive to you. For some weird reason, some abusive people have some kind of dependency thing going on with their victim- it really is personal. She needs you more than you need her. Bizarre, but there it is. Hld strong! Do not answer her emails, and wait until she starts behaving uncharacteristically and actually making an effort. This may take months.

If she ever reverts, just withdraw attention again. Actually it's rather like Nanny Jo on those toddler programmes. Seems daft to have to train a parent, but life seems daft sometimes...

duchesse · 10/02/2008 18:34

oh, and if she's likely to come round, I would suggest ignoring her completely/ hiding in the bathroom until she goes away. Particularly if she is being abusive- do not give her attention if she abuses you. Your children will be sooo impressed by your ability to remain calm and carry on as if nothing were happening if she does scream and shout, and will learn a lot from it.

Alternatively, maybe (not convinced myself) she will turn up and apologise truly (rather than "sorrreee" type apology). Again, this could take months, or never happen.

Mellieandmin · 10/02/2008 19:26

Oh emmzz, how horrible a situation to be in, thinking of you. I tend to agree with a lot of people in this thread, I think your Mum needs to see someone as she is obviously oblivious to the damage she is doing to you and your emotions. However, it is not your place to take that on, not with the way she has treated you.

Thinking of you, stay strong. When push comes to shove you need to take action for YOU and only YOU. Whatever you decide in the long run it has to be for you, no matter what you think people will say or think. You are the most important person to you.

Sending you a hug!

franke · 10/02/2008 19:34

Can you bar her number from your mobile?

normajean · 10/02/2008 19:50

Hi emzzzzz, my dp has the same sort of relationship with his mother, she is very controlling and extremely vicious in the things she says. So I have a small understanding of how this cuts very deeply, but the only advice I would like to give is that you take what you need from this relationship, its not easy to walk away, and even children that have been abused find it painful to remove themselves from the familiar relationship they know, good or bad. Just because she is given the name mother, does not mean she is worthy of it, and no matter how much you love her, you must love yourself more. Be strong and take care

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