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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut my Mother out of my life for good?????

40 replies

emzzzzz · 08/02/2008 08:23

Try to keep this short, but she abused me all my life, and as an adult I have suffered mental health issues and depression directly linked to this abuse. However I have kept in touch and tried to have a normal relationship!

I have recently had a stay in a mental health unit, but did not hear from my mum.
Since discharge have not heard from her, beside myself with worry, eventually hubbie called her and asked her to phone me.

She shouted at me saying I had ruined her life (I have done nothing of the sort, I have been a model daughter)

Anyway she then accused me of not looking after my own kids properly and the end of the conversation she said

"Why don't you do us all a favour and stick a kitchen knife through your neck and kill yourself"

To which I replied I never wanted anything to do with her again and she was not my mum.

It feels like i've had a weight lifted off my shoulders - this womam has dominated my life for 33 years, and I am finally free from her - what do you all think????

OP posts:
smallwhitecat · 08/02/2008 08:29

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smallwhitecat · 08/02/2008 08:29

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smallwhitecat · 08/02/2008 08:29

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smallwhitecat · 08/02/2008 08:30

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bossybritches · 08/02/2008 08:38

emzzzz-good for you! The weight has lifted because you have realised ( & it had to ocme in your own time) that you deserve better than that & it is HER problem she is the loser in this situation.

You have made a positive move away from her damning influence & you will go forward & upward from here I'm sure.

Chin up & good luck.

Buda · 08/02/2008 08:39

Good for you. Onwards and upwards now. It will be hard I am sure but you are losing nothing. There are lots of threads on here about people in similar situations.

bossybritches · 08/02/2008 08:40

............and NO YANBU at all!!!!

franke · 08/02/2008 08:44

er ...yanbu. Get this toxic woman out of your life once and for all. Good on you for standing up to her - I hope you can begin to see your life in terms of before and after this event. After will be so much better. There's alot of support on here for people in your situation. I wish you all the best.

missingtheaction · 08/02/2008 08:46

hooray! well done - you sound well on the road to recovery. live long and prosper emzzzz!!!

twelveyeargap · 08/02/2008 08:48

YANBU. If you start to feel any sort of regret, I would suggest that it's regret that you don't have a loving mother and regret that she couldn't change, rather than anything else.

Sometimes people have to be cut loose, no matter how close a family member they are. Enjoy the feeling of freedom and the knowledge that you love you own children dearly and are a better mother for the hard decisions and trials you have had to go through with your own.

Original poster
emzzzzz · 08/02/2008 08:51

OOOhhh Thanks for all your messages - she has just texted me saying - "Hope you feel better today - love you xx "
AS IF THAT WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE
I know I've made the right choice - I just needed some comfirmation - thanks xxxxx

OP posts:
twelveyeargap · 08/02/2008 08:54

Obviously you can't really tell from a post on MN, but it sounds like your mother has mental health issues. To be so vile and then act like nothing is wrong...

lisad123 · 08/02/2008 08:59

I think you have done the right thing for your family and you.
If this was anyone but your mother you would have cut them loose years ago, but sadly those closerest have the biggest impact. Your very brave well done

noddyholder · 08/02/2008 09:00

She sounds evil and manipulative with added control just for good measure.I think you have done the right thing Maybe with help and support from your dh you can rebuild your life.Why don't you tell her you are not able to see her for now as you need to heal.Don't lose your rag just keep calm and hold on to your power I really feel for you.Are you an only child?

Original poster
emzzzzz · 08/02/2008 09:17

No, I have a younger brother who hasn't seen or spoken to her for 8 years, and a younger sister who talks to her on and off, so it all speaks volumes really doesn't it!

I feel so much happier knowing that I don't have to cope with all the crap anymore

OP posts:
mumeeee · 08/02/2008 09:42

YANBU.

lennygrrl · 08/02/2008 09:43

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duchesse · 08/02/2008 09:54

In answer to the OP- brilliant. She sounds utterly insane. Mother or not, you do not need her around you or your children if she can't behave herself. She needs help.

(fwiw- I had a showdown with my father last year, first time in 39 years- exhilarating and have not regretted it in the slightest)

duchesse · 08/02/2008 09:58

also, your mental health issues are possibly due to growing up in such a toxic and unstable environment, with unresolved issues hanging over you from childhood. Now you have made the break, maybe your own mental health issues will improve. I shook off my depression at 24 (had had it since age 6 really), when I decided to stop living the way my parents wanted me to ad had a baby instead of getting that magnificent career, hooray!

sandcastles · 08/02/2008 09:59

emzzzzz, Don't have alot of time at moment, but pop across to here, we are all in the same boat & will be happy to support you!

LittleBella · 08/02/2008 10:01

What an outrageous text. No acknowledgement of her outrageous behaviour "hope you're feeling better" - in other words, I behave like a cunt and it's your problem, because something's not right with you.

Typical toxic parent behaviour. Get rid and get on with the rest of your life without her baleful influence.

notalone · 08/02/2008 11:17

I applaud you Emzzzzz. You do not need her in your life. There is a thread in relationships about toxic parents which may help. Wishing you all the best x

Kitti · 08/02/2008 11:46

Well done. She obviously blows hot and cold and takes out all her issues on you and you don't deserve it. I have a very difficult relationship with my parents but I feel I'm harder on my mother because mothers should want to bond with their kids etc etc. It's just never going to happen though and my mother hasn't even acted in the same manner than your mum did. I think that your mental health issues will just persist if you let her back into your life. It is a hard decision to stick by and people will no doubt question it in the future (ie do the children see grandma) and you feel you have to justify your actions by explaining all the problems when its none of their business!! The best thing to do is forget she exists - perhaps imagine she has died and it will get easier. It's a totally horrible situation for you to be in but in the long run you have to think about yourself and your children and hubby. Good luck to you. You deserve better.

Original poster
emzzzzz · 08/02/2008 13:03

Well to be honest, she has never really bothered with the kids, we only saw her a few times a year, and the kids never mention her, so it will be no loss to them!!
If they want to know when they are older , I can tell them.
I can already feel my mood improving - I just wish I'd done it years ago!!!!

P.S Thanks xxxx

OP posts:
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 08/02/2008 13:04

I think you are amazing and you need to stay away from this woman forever. I wish you luck.

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