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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving 3 month baby for Hen do

279 replies

Layray · 11/02/2023 17:45

First time mum-to-be here and starting to plan my hen do. Getting married at Christmas so thinking October time for hen do. Baby will be about 3 months old by then and I don’t know if it is unreasonable to think I could leave my baby with partner for 2 nights?

Sisters are planning hen and they’re keen for a Friday/sat night hen in a lodge. We live about 5 minutes away from the lodge.

Has anyone else had their hen do with a new baby. What did you do? Would one night be better? Just don’t want to miss out on a proper hen experience!

So AIBU to leave baby for 2 nights for my hen do?

OP posts:
jacult · 11/02/2023 22:48

Hydie · 11/02/2023 22:40

THE COMMENTS ON THIS THREAD ARE FUCKING INSANE!!!!! Why make a woman feel bad for wanting a bit of fun! Fucks sake are men really this incapable of looking after THEIR child? Women should support woman and not bring them down like the twats on here do 🤬

Yep!! Sadly if you read all the threads on here men are absolutely useless. Mine isn’t, my friends partners aren’t. I don’t want to victim blame. But it might sound like it. Where do all these shit men come from? I really don’t know any of them.

Hydie · 11/02/2023 22:51

jacult · 11/02/2023 22:48

Yep!! Sadly if you read all the threads on here men are absolutely useless. Mine isn’t, my friends partners aren’t. I don’t want to victim blame. But it might sound like it. Where do all these shit men come from? I really don’t know any of them.

Show quote history

I also don't know any man that couldn't cope with their child for 2 nights, who wouldn't support their wife to go and have a great time on their own hen weekend. People have some really shit standards on here!! Hope OP doesn't feel bad reading their bullshit!

FlissyPaps · 11/02/2023 23:02

SnackSizeRaisin · 11/02/2023 20:48

I wouldn't. It's cruel. A 3 month old needs to be with its mum more or less 24/7. Fair enough go out for an evening or afternoon but any longer is not really right unless you have no choice.
If you are breastfeeding it will be even more ridiculous. Lots of 3 month babies cluster feed for hours every evening. They wake frequently throughout the night. It will be very upsetting for the baby if you are suddenly gone for such a long time. Plus you'd have to pump a lot while away which is tedious and time consuming and you might get mastitis.

If you want a proper hen do I think better wait until the baby's over 6 months, if breastfeeding then when they are aged over a year is probably easier.

Cruel?

Dont clutch those pearls too tight now.

Mummyof287 · 11/02/2023 23:07

Personally, I would wait and see how you feel once baby is here.....its very difficult to predict as their temperaments are all so different.Are you planning on breastfeeding? As if so whether you want to express/combi feed and whether he/she takes a bottle may impact your decision.

FlissyPaps · 11/02/2023 23:07

bridgetreilly · 11/02/2023 22:34

Your baby is more important that your hen do, ffs.

😂😂😂😂

Good grief.

Ortegaa · 11/02/2023 23:13

There's some real nasty shits on here!! OP ignore them and do you.

wishuponastar1988 · 12/02/2023 02:19

@ClaudeMyWinkleman @PugInTheHouse thanks for your concern but my partner is a great dad and has/does look after our baby. My baby is EBF and was cluster feeding, I told him to bring her to me if she would not settle. I was not pissed off by my baby wanting to feed/refusing to take a bottle/him not having boobs to feed her himself. Please don't feel sorry for me ConfusedGrin

Desertbarncat · 12/02/2023 04:15

2 nights away will not hurt you or the baby. Or your husband.

WineCap · 12/02/2023 06:54

I was in the same situation as @wishuponastar1988. My DH was very willing and hands on but in those early days I just couldn't have left my baby without causing them distress. At 3 months I only left my baby for 30 minute runs as it wasn't worth it to me, and I didn't want to leave him overnight either.

In the end it will come down to how you personally feel and also the temperament of your baby.

MRex · 12/02/2023 07:03

Once the baby is here, you really will want to be with them, it's instinctive and hormonal rather than a lifestyle choice where some prefer to stay out drinking, that's quite niche. I would think by the time you've had a baby for a few months, the "proper hen experience" won't feel remotely fun and you'll not want to be apart from the baby for 2 days and 2 nights. Do it while you're pregnant and you'll enjoy it much more.

GoAgainstNicki · 12/02/2023 07:06

Sassysia · 11/02/2023 18:10

I’d be really surprised if you’d feel happy to leave your baby for two nights at 3mths. A lot will depend on how you’re feeding I guess. But emotionally I’m not sure you’d want to leave the baby, especially being your first.

I left my 3 month old with my mum and sister to have two nights away at a nice hotel. Why is that surprising? Not everyone feels like they can’t leave their child for 5 minutes to have some time to themselves

GoAgainstNicki · 12/02/2023 07:10

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to leave your baby with your partner at all. However you definitely won’t know until the baby is actually here.

You may book the hen do and when the time comes around, you won’t want to leave your baby. What would happen then? It’s a tricky one as you most likely have to book well in advance.

As mentioned above, I left my first child at 3 months old to stay at a hotel which was 1hr away. I missed her but was still able to enjoy myself. It’s not exactly impossible but everyone is different!

GoAgainstNicki · 12/02/2023 07:16

Please take no notice of those, "I breastfed until mine was 10 and didn't leave their side until I waved them off to university" responses.

THIS!!! So many of the comments are actually horrible for a first time mum to read. I also don’t understand how people are saying their child is like 15 and they’ve never had a night away from them before. Utterly mine boggling to me

GoAgainstNicki · 12/02/2023 07:18

PinkFishies · 11/02/2023 20:04

Same!

Cant imagine what it’s like to have not had a night away for a whole 12 months like a lot of people on here.

Show quote history

!!!

SkippyKangeroo · 12/02/2023 07:23

You won't know until the baby arrives, how the baby is at sleeping and feeding, and how you are mentally and physically.

A hen do could well be the last thing you want to do.

Best case scenario is baby is a great sleeper, partner is a competent and confident parent, baby feeds well on formula and you arent sleep deprived and are ready for a quick break.

That's a lot to expect

Ilikepinacoladass · 12/02/2023 07:32

You'll more than likely be knackered and won't want to go.

It would also be a shame for this to be a reason/ motivation to stop breastfeeding.

As someone else said doing one while pregnant sounds like something you'll enjoy more! Or a nice meal out with friends just before the wedding (although not sure I would even be up for a evening meal out at the stage, was so tired, so maybe an afternoon tea type thing!?)

wishuponastar1988 · 12/02/2023 07:33

@TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl I am not sure what is so shocking about that. I told him to bring her to me if she would not settle/take a bottle so I could feed her. You sound angry on my behalf but you don't need to be - my baby needed feeding and wanted me and that's fine. This post wasn't actually about me though and I wasn't asking for opinions on how 'shit' the internet perceives my partner to be based on one comment Confused

OP you do you - only you know how you will feel when your baby is here. All babies are different I was just sharing my experience. Enjoy whatever you decide and good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

londonrach · 12/02/2023 07:35

You won't know until baby is here but suspect you won't want to leave a three month old for longer than a couple of hours. Could you do a meal with friends in local restaurant instead.

CrackingCrackling · 12/02/2023 07:36

I would have felt fine leaving them with their dad for a night or two. But you may feel differently and no way in knowing that now as it's your first.

Nuevabegin · 12/02/2023 07:59

@LuckySantangelo35 are you aware there are people out there who have no family support? My dh and I swap over but despite having loads of family no one ever babysits or helps even when I had tiny kids, was sick looking dcs , they don’t do helping….. It’s really crap but just the way it is , of course we’d love to go away but no one will mind our dcs 🤷🏻‍♀️We can’t leave them with a teenager to head off for a weekend. I find it so annoying that some people assume some parents are unable to leave their kids or weird rather than they don’t have the support network. I’m 11 years a parent and zero help from family , no idea why but we’ve had to accept it tbh .

Nuevabegin · 12/02/2023 08:02

@GoAgainstNicki do you have help from family ?? Me and my dh swap over and have nights away but if I was a single parent then yes I’d probably not have nights away as my family won’t mind my dcs for even 10 mins so how could a person like me get away then ? ( no my friends don’t do babysitting swaps as thru all have family help ).

GoAgainstNicki · 12/02/2023 08:05

Nuevabegin · 12/02/2023 08:02

@GoAgainstNicki do you have help from family ?? Me and my dh swap over and have nights away but if I was a single parent then yes I’d probably not have nights away as my family won’t mind my dcs for even 10 mins so how could a person like me get away then ? ( no my friends don’t do babysitting swaps as thru all have family help ).

It’s obviously different if someone is a single parent and has no help at all….

Barneysma2 · 12/02/2023 08:37

Ahh the martyr mother robots (as I like to call them) are out in force yet again. These robots are wired to believe that you aren't allowed to leave your child, not even for one second, when they take a dump they hold baby with one hand and wipe with the other, god forbid leaving the child with their dad. Shock horror. These robots don't understand that some women actually do like to have time away from their child, this is neither cruel or harmful to the child, it is merely because a woman who has a child also has a life of her own but these robots malfunction at the thought process behind this. We all know the real reason the martyr robots are like this is because they don't get invited anywhere anyway, because by the sounds of it they are all utterly dull, so they pretend they aren't bothered and they throw all their time into being mother earth instead. At the end of the day, any woman who has a child should be supported by her peers, fellow women, family and friends. Being a mum is hard, having time away is ok, being judged for doing so, well that is never ok.

Original poster
Layray · 12/02/2023 08:57

Had a bit of time to think about it and I totally see how it would be difficult to know how I’d feel till the baby was here.

The reason it would be in October is that’s when the school holidays are and I live around 4h away from many of my friends. Some of whom are teachers and so that would make the most sense timing wise.

I like the idea of waiting till the following summer when the baby will be almost 1 to have a weekend post wedding hen do. Then perhaps an afternoon tea type thing for a few hours one Saturday in October. That way I would only be busy for a few hours with my partner and baby nearby.

Everything is new being a first time mum and I really don’t mean to sound selfish for wanting to have a bit of time with my friends! I might be desperate for a few hours of ‘normality’ by October and I think this sounds like a good compromise!

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 12/02/2023 09:00

At 12 weeks I still couldn't sit or walk comfortably. I'd be planning for a hen do much closer to my wedding in your shoes.