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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband left the baby and locked his door

144 replies

Strawberryjam45 · 11/02/2023 16:44

Currently on maternity leave with my second child. DH has a very hard-charging job but has always been incredibly lazy at home. I basically do everything during the week but he will do something as a token when asked (i.e. cleaning the toy room).

Today we had a babysitter come for a trial and I was really left to do it all while DH used it as an opportunity to sleep. I went in once briefly during the day to explain we were off out to the park and he acted all annoyed saying that he had just got off to sleep. I'd ask DH in the morning to speak to the babysitter at the end of the trial and went in 30 mins before she was meant to leave, saying the same again and leaving the baby with him (I'm not sure why I did this but I think it was to encourage him to join us sooner rather than later).

The next thing I know he has left the baby in the kitchen and is back in the bedroom with the door shut. For some reason I was just mortified by this. Embarrassed in front of the babysitter and felt like something had clicked/my blood ran cold with the realization of something.

I have always know DH's behavior is less than ideal but have justified it with the view that he's a good provider/it's better for the kids to grow up with 2 parents but honestly I really wonder. He's an incredibly lazy reluctant participant in family life. What is the point. Any other perspectives?

OP posts:
Thesharkradar · 12/02/2023 12:53

If only I had known this when I was 21 how different my life would have been, but for me there was no way that I could see and understand those things, I thought that if I was kind and fair the other person would naturally reciprocate by being kind and fair, it seems ridiculous now but I could not imagine that people would deliberately exploit me.
I'm sure there are some good men but when I look back I don't think I ever met any 🤷

RampantIvy · 12/02/2023 13:00

So, he has a trophy wife (tick)
And two trophy children (tick)

Job done as far as he is concerned.

What a great role model for the children (not).

Camdenish · 12/02/2023 13:30

LeilaRose777 · 11/02/2023 22:38

He works a 12 hour day, five days a week. Have you considered that he might be exhausted?

OP works a 24 hour a day, 7 days a week. She’s just not being paid for it.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 12/02/2023 13:32

Sceptre86 · 12/02/2023 12:51

I agree with @Mumsanetta. He's useless but you decided to have a second child knowing he would leave it all to you? Why? Why are your standards so low? You are modelling a crap relationship to your children and the cycle will continue. There is no benefit to having two parents if they are disengaged. I would not stand for this. I don't know why you are? Someone who loves you would not let you do it all on your own and a good dad wants to spend time with his kids. Mine misses them when he is at work, any time he's not working is spent with the children. Everyone had different standards and if all you want is a good financial provider maybe you can put up with this. It's a shame because a true relationship involves so much more.

You need to value yourself.

Why is your only response to a situation with a crappy husband and crappy father, that it is the woman’s fault?

Thesharkradar · 12/02/2023 13:33

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 12/02/2023 13:32

Why is your only response to a situation with a crappy husband and crappy father, that it is the woman’s fault?

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I think victim blaming is just a knee-jerk response for many people

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 12/02/2023 13:33

middleoftheroadlife · 12/02/2023 08:13

So what if he's a bit 'lazy' around the home. It's still not a reason for divorce if he's providing and working all those hours. If he's abusive, cheating etc then maybe. Lots of men are considered 'lazy'. My dad didn't do much around the house either. He want lazy, he was an emergency doctor and often on call.

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Do you realise just how low your standards are? A man is good as long as he isnt abusive?

LeilaRose777 · 12/02/2023 14:04

Camdenish · 12/02/2023 13:30

OP works a 24 hour a day, 7 days a week. She’s just not being paid for it.

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If she works 24 hours a day, why does her husband need 12 hour a day job (scratches head)?

Zezet · 12/02/2023 14:05

If she works 24/7 just to run a household she is running a very odd household indeed. (And yes I have 3 and live far from family.)

On call 24/7 is not working 24/7.

Unless someone has very special/high needs that claim is just ludicrous.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 12/02/2023 14:13

My dad didn't do much around the house either. He want lazy, he was an emergency doctor and often on call.

My ex did sweet FA around the house. He was in a nine to five job but hey, he had a live in housekeeper (me) for all that tedious domestic stuff.

Oh I lie. He mowed the lawn and occasionally took the rubbish out. The rest of it, like babies (fortunately we didn't have them) came under the generic heading of 'women's responsibilities.'

middleoftheroadlife · 12/02/2023 15:18

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 12/02/2023 13:33

Do you realise just how low your standards are? A man is good as long as he isnt abusive?

Show quote history

Well actually I live on my own now working F\T with 3 children. My standards are far from low. I've lived alone for 8 years with no male in the picture and that's intentional. I manage OK doing the '24 hour/most stressful ' mum job and working without any help whatsoever like plenty of other mums do.

caradukee · 12/02/2023 15:20

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middleoftheroadlife · 12/02/2023 15:21

If OP needs a babysitter whilst being on maternity with 2 kids, I kind of wonder who really is the lazy one.

Deviniaursula · 12/02/2023 15:24

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TheShellBeach · 12/02/2023 15:32

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Reported

OliveToboogie · 12/02/2023 15:33

He is a shit parent and is putting your child in danger. If you leave them alone he will do the same. Could end in tragedy.

middleoftheroadlife · 12/02/2023 15:39

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If you think being with someone for the sake of it is happiness, your standards are very low!
I'm quite happy thank you and I manage just fine. My children are the most important thing to me while they are still young, not a man just because I come across as 'lonely'. I don't have time to be lonely and am very comfortable spending any scaps of time I do get to myself.
I think you are sad relying on others to make you happy.

Deviniaursula · 12/02/2023 15:50

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Kisskiss · 12/02/2023 17:53

middleoftheroadlife · 12/02/2023 15:21

If OP needs a babysitter whilst being on maternity with 2 kids, I kind of wonder who really is the lazy one.

You sound a bit judgy… not all kids are the same - maybe yours were easier ?
I was on maternity leave with only one and even though I didn’t have a babysitter, there certainly were some days where I wouldn’t have minded having one to get a little break from the routine

Kisskiss · 12/02/2023 18:00

Intrepidescape · 11/02/2023 17:54

He works 12 hour days 8am to 8pm.

You don’t work....

Of course he wants to sleep.

You won’t leave him because he earns all the money.

Interesting pov… I work 11h days, mon-fri in a high stress environment but I don’t sleep all weekend!!!

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