Husband left the baby and locked his door

[Strawberryjam45]

Currently on maternity leave with my second child. DH has a very hard-charging job but has always been incredibly lazy at home. I basically do everything during the week but he will do something as a token when asked (i.e. cleaning the toy room).

Today we had a babysitter come for a trial and I was really left to do it all while DH used it as an opportunity to sleep. I went in once briefly during the day to explain we were off out to the park and he acted all annoyed saying that he had just got off to sleep. I'd ask DH in the morning to speak to the babysitter at the end of the trial and went in 30 mins before she was meant to leave, saying the same again and leaving the baby with him (I'm not sure why I did this but I think it was to encourage him to join us sooner rather than later).

The next thing I know he has left the baby in the kitchen and is back in the bedroom with the door shut. For some reason I was just mortified by this. Embarrassed in front of the babysitter and felt like something had clicked/my blood ran cold with the realization of something.

I have always know DH's behavior is less than ideal but have justified it with the view that he's a good provider/it's better for the kids to grow up with 2 parents but honestly I really wonder. He's an incredibly lazy reluctant participant in family life. What is the point. Any other perspectives?

Not sure what other perspective there could be — he sounds like an absolute tosser.

If his job is that busy he's not lazy at work is he? It doesn't matter if he is known for it by his friends, he's got the wherewithal to have a job, and be busy and do it without getting the sack.

He's 'just' lazy when it comes to helping you and your kids.

The children and the house are your job, 24/7 365. They are not his job. His job is to provide the money five days a week. He’s shown you this, but I think you knew it already.

Do you have a job to go back to after maternity leave?

Ha ha! Good sleuthing, @Deviniaursula .

My husband was/is the same. In my mind, I decided to give it one last chance on holiday over Christmas. I got up with our daughter at 7, he walked out of the bedroom at 8, went to the toilet and went to go back to bed. When I asked what he was doing, he said 'going back to bed?' like I was completely insane for asking.

So that was that.

It's hard and scary and sad, but it's better. Good luck 💕

What is the babysitter for? During the day or night? Odd Saturday night?

My husband works long hours on his feet, and does probably 70% of all housework.
Some people are just lazy. Realise that this will never change, then decide whether you are OK to put up with it, or would rather find someone better.

I once had a very stressful job part time, but with long hours over a few days. I worked with horrible people too very toxic environment where I had to watch my back constantly. I found it very hard to participate in family life when at home. I felt emotionally drained and found it very difficult to deal with clubs or anything that needed me to take the lead. I loved my family dearly but I just found it all too difficult. MH and stress definitely had a toll on me.

In the end I quit the job as I didn’t want to live like that. I have a much less stressful job now (not paid much less either!) with no commute and I am able to really participate and enjoy my family life.

Maybe if you work too and you can afford it hire a cleaner instead of a babysitter. That way neither of you have to do all the housework and you can both spend time with the kids.

This - it's you who needs the break

This is what I was quoting when I said 'This - it's you who needs the break'

unfortunateevents · Today 17:18

Why is he so tired he needs to sleep during the day? When he came out of the bedroom did he just leave the baby like a parcel in the kitchen - where was everybody else at this time - you, the babysitter, your other child? Honestly though he sounds like a lazy arse and I wouldn't bother using the babysitter while he is around - he doesn't need a break because you are doing it all! Get the babysitter during the week while he is at work and use the time for a break for yourself!

is victim blaming your favorite hobby or something?

Did he want children as much as you did @Strawberryjam45, or was he "if you must"?

It's the same old story. He's so busy at work etc bullshit.

He's a negligent parent and lazy

My dh is the same and we need to divorce because I can't take the incompetentce anymore

Get the babysitter during the week while he is at work and use the time for a break for yourself!

^

This.

I've done those hours your DH is doing in a job which is full-on - 12 hours a day Mon-Fri. I slept during the day when I had time for a nap or straight after work. I couldn't really do anything else except eat, keep clean and rest and occasionally get drunk. I didn't have anyone to take care of except myself.

Most boys grow up having absolutely nothing expected of them in the domestic sphere in the home, unfortunately, so when they get married., they still expect home to be their haven where they chill out and do nothing. I see this all the time in friends' houses. Men and teenage boys doing nothing. "Is my favourite shirt clean?" Imagine if a woman asked her husband where her favourite blouse was and if it was clean! Doesn't happen. It's not going to work between you as he cannot give you what you need.

OP states 'on maternity leave' which rather implies she has a job too...

Sorry, x post @Thesharkradar

Do you mean nanny? As a babysitter comes in the evening while you go out to work. A nanny is an educated and experienced childcare provider. Sorry if I’m off topic but I can’t stand ppl calling nannies “babysitters”

he sounds awful honestly the men on mums et are literally 90% shit why I plan on doing it alone.

He sounds like a lawyer/ dr narcissist, I think some of these men get a wife and kids because they think they should. Reality strikes and they hate it/ are bored rigid by it and spend the next 20 yrs making family life a misery.
leave.

Don't think a family is for him, its not for everyone. He either needs to accept it and participate or ship out.

What is a hard charging job?

Why is he still in your home?!
It's still a reasonable time of day, for him to park his lazy behind at family or a friends homes, at the very least until you have time to think what you want your family future to look like and whether there is any good reason to keep him around.

He sounds like a complete dick

But in fairness to him, if I had a nanny/babysitter come and I was paying them then I’d assume they were there to look after the kids.

I think this situation is irrelevant and his behaviour the rest of the time is what you should be focusing on.

Does he have any positives?
I can’t see any right now apart from you are financially secure.

He will never change so you have two choices. Stay and put up with it or go.