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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband left the baby and locked his door

144 replies

Strawberryjam45 · 11/02/2023 16:44

Currently on maternity leave with my second child. DH has a very hard-charging job but has always been incredibly lazy at home. I basically do everything during the week but he will do something as a token when asked (i.e. cleaning the toy room).

Today we had a babysitter come for a trial and I was really left to do it all while DH used it as an opportunity to sleep. I went in once briefly during the day to explain we were off out to the park and he acted all annoyed saying that he had just got off to sleep. I'd ask DH in the morning to speak to the babysitter at the end of the trial and went in 30 mins before she was meant to leave, saying the same again and leaving the baby with him (I'm not sure why I did this but I think it was to encourage him to join us sooner rather than later).

The next thing I know he has left the baby in the kitchen and is back in the bedroom with the door shut. For some reason I was just mortified by this. Embarrassed in front of the babysitter and felt like something had clicked/my blood ran cold with the realization of something.

I have always know DH's behavior is less than ideal but have justified it with the view that he's a good provider/it's better for the kids to grow up with 2 parents but honestly I really wonder. He's an incredibly lazy reluctant participant in family life. What is the point. Any other perspectives?

OP posts:

NeedAHoliday2021 · 11/02/2023 18:46

That’s not parenting. I have a busy, stressful nhs job that’s 8-8 plus 3 dc and I’m doing a masters. My dc are still cared for and get attention. He’s shown his priorities. I wouldn’t tolerate it but then I could walk away and financially support myself. He’s got you feeling trapped.

Newmumatlast · 11/02/2023 18:48

Strawberryjam45 · 11/02/2023 16:55

He has a very very busy job. 8am-8pm generally Mon-Fri but it's a job where you are always expected to be "on".

It's not the job that's the issue, even if he was present in the short time he was at home, I.e. trying to be helpful and involved that would be enough. But he isn't. I just get the impression he is always trying to avoid us/avoid having to do anything.

I have a job that is heavy like this and never off. However when I am off I am with the kids. I cook, I clean, I sort their clothes, I take them to activities all weekend. Its possible if you don't rigidly view yourself as allowed to be constantly tapped out because you're the breadwinner and also if you actually want to spend time with your family which I do

Tribblesarelovely · 11/02/2023 18:53

Why are you putting up with this ? Why are you allowing him to set such a bad example to your children ? Time to have a very serious conversation, if he won’t change, leave him.

Noduckpicsplease · 11/02/2023 18:55

My husband has a very stressful always on job, albeit mostly 9-5. I'd like him to do a bit more housework than he does, and there are times I resent doing almost every school run.
But, when he's not at work, he's at home with us. Reading to the kids, watching TV with the kids, parenting is almost entirely equal, and it's because he wants to spend time with his family!
I'm not surprised you're aren't happy with the set up. It's the complete reluctance to even join in with family life that would have me kicking him out.

Paq · 11/02/2023 18:56

He's not (just) lazy, he's emotionally illiterate. What are you going to do?

Emmamoo89 · 11/02/2023 18:56

You need to leave x

diddl · 11/02/2023 18:59

But in fairness to him, if I had a nanny/babysitter come and I was paying them then I’d assume they were there to look after the kids.

That's what I was thinking!

There's obviously a whole lot of other stuff though!

mathanxiety · 11/02/2023 19:04

Now you've seen it you can't unsee it, can you?

You have a babysitter you can rely on, and you can see how superfluous your H is, so you have decisions to make and are already one step ahead.

Do you want a self centered man in your life who has no intention of contributing in any real sense to the family? Who has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with the care of his own child? Who puts himself first always?

He's apparently happy to focus on the financial aspect of his contribution, and expects a pass for all the rest of the elements of family life based on the Importance of His Job, so he should be very happy to provide child support.

AnnaKorine · 11/02/2023 19:24

I’m honestly a bit confused about this although seem to be the only one. If there’s a babysitter there still for 30 minutes why did you leave the baby with him? Surely the point of a babysitter is to have a break, why so much drama when she is there? If you’re around in the house should there be an issue, that should be enough. I don’t think I would appreciate being hassled at the end of a busy week while the baby sitter was still there. You asked him to speak to her before she left, he still had 25 minutes to go down for a 5 minute chat.

WinnieFosterReads · 11/02/2023 19:36

Did he think the babysitter was there to watch the baby? I don't really understand the OP. You took the baby in to him because you were annoyed he wasn't participating. He brought the baby back into a room where you and the babysitter were, and then went back to the bedroom.
I don't understand why that made your blood run cold. I don't understand why the babysitter wasn't watching the baby and I don't understand why your DH had to speak to the babysitter when he'd had nothing to do with them the entire time they were there.
Yy he might be lazy and disengaged but I'm not sure why this was the final straw.

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 11/02/2023 19:36

Useless men are made, if you continue covering for him you will have the more difficult child to deal with on your husband. As simple as that.

And no, no job is more stressful than dealing with young children all day, he is taking the mickey big time… because he is allowed to.

XelaM · 11/02/2023 19:39

I think you're the one who's unreasonable, sorry. You're on maternity leave whereas he works an incredibly stressful job that requires him to be on call al the time. Not unreasonable for him to sleep whilst the babysitter is with the baby and you.

Why did it need two people to show the babysitter the ropes?

XelaM · 11/02/2023 19:40

And no, no job is more stressful than dealing with young children all day

This really is not true.

Zezet · 11/02/2023 19:44

Many women would be fine with a guy doing an 8-20 job and running the household. You knew he was like that and then you married him.

So if you are not happy with this, then what were you thinking?

Heaven knows why you need two people to show a babysitter how to look after a child.

Yes, he sounds disengaged, but you sound like you are the one who is suddenly wanting the change the terms of the relationship.

Murdoch1949 · 11/02/2023 19:44

He seems to think because he is the main earner that gives him carte blanche to do his own thing. He is no partner, no father, so he better be bloody good in bed to make up for his other shortcomings. You need to decide exactly what you expect from him, tell him, ask him what he's going to do about it. If he reverts to "I make the money" maybe you need to be planning your future as a single mum.

XelaM · 11/02/2023 19:57

Zezet · 11/02/2023 19:44

Many women would be fine with a guy doing an 8-20 job and running the household. You knew he was like that and then you married him.

So if you are not happy with this, then what were you thinking?

Heaven knows why you need two people to show a babysitter how to look after a child.

Yes, he sounds disengaged, but you sound like you are the one who is suddenly wanting the change the terms of the relationship.

I agree with this.

I also don't see how working 12 hour days is lazy. I can understand that he's exhausted at home and just wants to sleep whilst you show the babysitter round.

NewNovember · 11/02/2023 20:01

So he works 60 hours a week plus and you needed him to also advise the babysitter. Be honest it was the principal wasn't it. And he left the baby with you and the babysitter not alone with him locked in a room. There are two sides op.

CrystalCoco · 11/02/2023 20:25

I might get flamed for this, but...8am-8pm Monday-Friday in a very full on job, is, well, very full on!

When is he supposed to re-charge his batteries?
Good that you're getting a babysitter as you both need time off, it is a bit rubbish that he couldn't engage with the sitter but sounds like he's knackered, you're knackered
let the sitter bed in so you can all have more time to recharge.

CrystalCoco · 11/02/2023 20:28

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 11/02/2023 19:36

Useless men are made, if you continue covering for him you will have the more difficult child to deal with on your husband. As simple as that.

And no, no job is more stressful than dealing with young children all day, he is taking the mickey big time… because he is allowed to.

He's taking the mickey by working 8am-8pm, give over!

And yes, plenty jobs are more stressful than looking after children, grow up and get a wider view of the world!

middleoftheroadlife · 11/02/2023 20:29

I have 3 children and work full time as a SP now after a marriage break up. I am absulutely knackered by the weekend. I'd love to take my children out more and do things in the evenings but I get very tired and the housework eats up any free time I have. Not sure why he's being labelled 'lazy' because he needs a kip at the weekend. I did everything when my children were very young too because my husband worked a job with very long hours and I was a SAHM. It's not out of the ordinary.

''And no, no job is more stressful than dealing with young children all day''

''This really is not true''.

I agree, it is not true. It's hard work, sometimes lonely, can be boring and tedious but far from the most stressful job in the world.

NoodleC · 11/02/2023 20:34

I think whilst he is being a bit lazy here. You should not have picked this time with the babysitter's first day to prove a point.

Teaandtoast3 · 11/02/2023 20:40

I think he’s shit OP. Let’s face it if he does 8 till 8 but nothing else then you already work
more hours than he does unpaid.

Where’s your downtime?

middleoftheroadlife · 11/02/2023 20:45

....And if you did leave because of this reason, you might have to work F/T plus do everything else for the home and kids alone so you'd be no better off.
Once you get back to work, maybe then things might have to change as you'll both be working but for now, just be thankful you can even afford a babysitter and to have some help.

60smusic · 11/02/2023 21:03

BatshitBanshee · 11/02/2023 17:14

The reason your blood ran cold is because you realised that he is prepared to act like this in front of other people, that he will not hide his disdain for you or your children for the sake of appearances and it actually doesn't matter what the cost is, he's going to do what he wants. This isn't an isolated grumpy/tired incident that only you are witness to, this is now in front of other people don't know in your home.

He doesn't care about you or your kids. That's the realisation. What you do from here is down to you.

I know that for me, he'd be out on his rear and back to whatever raised him.

This..

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 11/02/2023 21:24

My ex was like that. Claimed he was too tired at work being a high earner and refused to lift a finger at home. I wasted 16 years of my life, dont be a fool like me OP. LEave him. He will not change.

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