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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband left the baby and locked his door

144 replies

Strawberryjam45 · 11/02/2023 16:44

Currently on maternity leave with my second child. DH has a very hard-charging job but has always been incredibly lazy at home. I basically do everything during the week but he will do something as a token when asked (i.e. cleaning the toy room).

Today we had a babysitter come for a trial and I was really left to do it all while DH used it as an opportunity to sleep. I went in once briefly during the day to explain we were off out to the park and he acted all annoyed saying that he had just got off to sleep. I'd ask DH in the morning to speak to the babysitter at the end of the trial and went in 30 mins before she was meant to leave, saying the same again and leaving the baby with him (I'm not sure why I did this but I think it was to encourage him to join us sooner rather than later).

The next thing I know he has left the baby in the kitchen and is back in the bedroom with the door shut. For some reason I was just mortified by this. Embarrassed in front of the babysitter and felt like something had clicked/my blood ran cold with the realization of something.

I have always know DH's behavior is less than ideal but have justified it with the view that he's a good provider/it's better for the kids to grow up with 2 parents but honestly I really wonder. He's an incredibly lazy reluctant participant in family life. What is the point. Any other perspectives?

OP posts:
saraclara · 11/02/2023 21:30

He has a very very busy job. 8am-8pm generally Mon-Fri but it's a job where you are always expected to be "on".

He can't be that lazy, then.

FiddleLeaf · 11/02/2023 21:33

Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2023 17:17

He's not lazy. He's selfish and he doesn't give a single fuck about you or your kids. Leave already and save yourself years of bitterness and regret.

100%. Class A prick.

Onnabugeisha · 11/02/2023 21:44

You can’t ostrich this any longer- you need to address with him why you are sole parent of your DC, and tell him there’s no point him being around at all of he’s doing nothing at home.

Other than that, no idea why it takes 3 adults to care for two children? It seems like you’re trying to passive aggressive him out of being checked out of family life. You have to face this head on.

AngryPrincess · 11/02/2023 22:12

Umm, it’s because not only did he not look after the baby, he didn’t give the baby back to you and the babysitter. The handover is the bare, bare minimum. Parents tag team. They don’t put the baby on the floor and run away. (I know, it’s unlikely that an accident will happen before you notice, but it would have only taken him a minute to give the baby to you or the babysitter).

I would be well pissed off. Hope you have separate bank accounts. (makes breaking up easier). And don’t move out of the family home, then you’d be homeless. chuck him out.

BloggersBlog · 11/02/2023 22:31

Have you spoken to him this evening about his unacceptable behaviour @Strawberryjam45 ?

LeilaRose777 · 11/02/2023 22:38

He works a 12 hour day, five days a week. Have you considered that he might be exhausted?

Beetlebugz · 11/02/2023 22:54

Sorry to hear this, I feel I can sympathise a fair bit. Random Q, but is your DH a farmer?

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 11/02/2023 23:00

CrystalCoco · 11/02/2023 20:28

He's taking the mickey by working 8am-8pm, give over!

And yes, plenty jobs are more stressful than looking after children, grow up and get a wider view of the world!

Show quote history

Sorry, I have worked in high stress jobs and I can assure you, the day I was doing my longest shift at a hospital I was more relaxed at the end of the day that after a full day with my toddler.

Working 8 to 8, looovely! It is always the people who have the back up of a more responsible partner (and a full sense of “me first”) the ones who can allow themselves the choice to work such long hours. Most people who put their family first don’t, and if they do they try to make the best of any little time they have to catch up with their kids!

UsingChangeofName · 11/02/2023 23:08

I am a bit confused by your OP, if I'm honest.

Today we had a babysitter come for a trial and I was really left to do it all while DH used it as an opportunity to sleep. I went in once briefly during the day to explain we were off out to the park and he acted all annoyed saying that he had just got off to sleep. I'd ask DH in the morning to speak to the babysitter at the end of the trial and went in 30 mins before she was meant to leave, saying the same again and leaving the baby with him

"I was really left to do it all" - do what all ? Confused

He was asleep - but you went in to wake him up after he had just gone off, to tell him you were going out. Why ?

Why does he need to speak to the babysitter ?

If he is actually working in a job where, as you say he is fully "on" for 8 hours x 5 days a week, then of course he needs to catch up on his rest. I'd have thought a time when you have someone in as a trial for babysitting was a really sensible time to be doing that.
I'm all for both parents parenting, but that needs to factor in what else both parents are doing too.

I think YABU.
No, working 60 hours a week in a pretty intensive job, plus whatever commute he has doesn't absolve him of all parenting, but preventing him from catching up on much needed sleep when you have a person in the house who is specifically there to demonstrate that they can look after your dc (on trial) seems particularly nasty of you.

UsingChangeofName · 11/02/2023 23:10

Sorry 12 hours a day. 8am - 8pm.

VestaTilley · 11/02/2023 23:19

I’d be planning your exit. He’ll never be a proper father, never take an interest or step up. You’ll be on your knees with exhaustion. Consult a divorce lawyer, save up and get rid.

middleoftheroadlife · 12/02/2023 00:00

VestaTilley · 11/02/2023 23:19

I’d be planning your exit. He’ll never be a proper father, never take an interest or step up. You’ll be on your knees with exhaustion. Consult a divorce lawyer, save up and get rid.

Oh give over. She has 2 kids not 10 and she's on maternity leave. Plus she's getting help from a babysitter. Loads of mums do this every day and much more.

middleoftheroadlife · 12/02/2023 00:03

And if you think being a single mother without any support is easier, think again!
Unless there are other concerns in the relationship, him not meeting the babysitter is NOT a reason for divorce.

ittakes2 · 12/02/2023 01:15

Intrepidescape · 11/02/2023 17:54

He works 12 hour days 8am to 8pm.

You don’t work....

Of course he wants to sleep.

You won’t leave him because he earns all the money.

This
and I am also a SAHM.

mathanxiety · 12/02/2023 07:01

@middleoftheroadlife

I have always know DH's behavior is less than ideal but have justified it with the view that he's a good provider/it's better for the kids to grow up with 2 parents but honestly I really wonder. He's an incredibly lazy reluctant participant in family life. What is the point.

There are other concerns here.

It's not just a case of a single incident. Why would you assume this?

Deviniaursula · 12/02/2023 07:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

tillylula · 12/02/2023 07:56

I have one of these. You arent alone.

middleoftheroadlife · 12/02/2023 08:13

mathanxiety · 12/02/2023 07:01

@middleoftheroadlife

I have always know DH's behavior is less than ideal but have justified it with the view that he's a good provider/it's better for the kids to grow up with 2 parents but honestly I really wonder. He's an incredibly lazy reluctant participant in family life. What is the point.

There are other concerns here.

It's not just a case of a single incident. Why would you assume this?

So what if he's a bit 'lazy' around the home. It's still not a reason for divorce if he's providing and working all those hours. If he's abusive, cheating etc then maybe. Lots of men are considered 'lazy'. My dad didn't do much around the house either. He want lazy, he was an emergency doctor and often on call.

middleoftheroadlife · 12/02/2023 08:15

Out of interest, what are the other concerns?

CleaningOutMyCloset · 12/02/2023 08:40

Sounds like he has no interest in having a relationship with you or the dc

goldennotyetoldie · 12/02/2023 12:31

Strawberryjam45 · 11/02/2023 16:55

He has a very very busy job. 8am-8pm generally Mon-Fri but it's a job where you are always expected to be "on".

It's not the job that's the issue, even if he was present in the short time he was at home, I.e. trying to be helpful and involved that would be enough. But he isn't. I just get the impression he is always trying to avoid us/avoid having to do anything.

When my kids were growing I worked long hours in a demanding job and still managed to cook , put on washing , play with the kids etc.

It's a normal part of being a parent. He's making excuses.

Thesharkradar · 12/02/2023 12:39

CleaningOutMyCloset · 12/02/2023 08:40

Sounds like he has no interest in having a relationship with you or the dc

With men like him the 'purpose' of having a wife and child is to signal your status and success to other men, it let's them know that they have the ability to capture and dominate a woman, to make her have a child for him and do all of the menial work pertaining to this.
It's just a way of boosting his status and making him feel like he's the king of his own domain. He doesn't particularly want to interact with his family because they are subordinates, he wants to spend his time investing.in himself and doing things that better him and further his earning potential. The wife and children are there to serve his needs and make him look good.

TheShellBeach · 12/02/2023 12:42

That seems to sum up the situation very aptly.

Sceptre86 · 12/02/2023 12:51

I agree with @Mumsanetta. He's useless but you decided to have a second child knowing he would leave it all to you? Why? Why are your standards so low? You are modelling a crap relationship to your children and the cycle will continue. There is no benefit to having two parents if they are disengaged. I would not stand for this. I don't know why you are? Someone who loves you would not let you do it all on your own and a good dad wants to spend time with his kids. Mine misses them when he is at work, any time he's not working is spent with the children. Everyone had different standards and if all you want is a good financial provider maybe you can put up with this. It's a shame because a true relationship involves so much more.

You need to value yourself.

Sceptre86 · 12/02/2023 12:51

I also would have been livid at him leaving baby unattended.

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