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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband left the baby and locked his door

144 replies

Strawberryjam45 · 11/02/2023 16:44

Currently on maternity leave with my second child. DH has a very hard-charging job but has always been incredibly lazy at home. I basically do everything during the week but he will do something as a token when asked (i.e. cleaning the toy room).

Today we had a babysitter come for a trial and I was really left to do it all while DH used it as an opportunity to sleep. I went in once briefly during the day to explain we were off out to the park and he acted all annoyed saying that he had just got off to sleep. I'd ask DH in the morning to speak to the babysitter at the end of the trial and went in 30 mins before she was meant to leave, saying the same again and leaving the baby with him (I'm not sure why I did this but I think it was to encourage him to join us sooner rather than later).

The next thing I know he has left the baby in the kitchen and is back in the bedroom with the door shut. For some reason I was just mortified by this. Embarrassed in front of the babysitter and felt like something had clicked/my blood ran cold with the realization of something.

I have always know DH's behavior is less than ideal but have justified it with the view that he's a good provider/it's better for the kids to grow up with 2 parents but honestly I really wonder. He's an incredibly lazy reluctant participant in family life. What is the point. Any other perspectives?

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 11/02/2023 17:18

God almighty - another thread about a lazy, good-for-nothing husband who has opted out of the housework and parenting ever since the first time he managed to get away with it.

Why do so many women put up with this shit?

ittakes2 · 11/02/2023 17:19

Do you work or are you a SAHM?
his general behaviour is not ok but I can’t imagine to be honest why you need two parents to show a baby sitter what to do?

Coolblur · 11/02/2023 17:19

Employ the babysitter to help you, then get rid of him. If she's really good, and available she could nanny for you if you go to work.
Lazy men who think looking after the kids and home isn't their responsibility can be easily replaced by paying someone to help you while you go out and earn money to support your family.

unfortunateevents · 11/02/2023 17:20

And yes I agree with the people who say he has always been like this and got away with it! This is your second child, presumably he opted out of parenting the first one as well? I'm not actually sure if it is possible to turn this around without huge amounts of nagging and directing from you, not sure if I could be bothered if it was me!

TwilightSkies · 11/02/2023 17:24

Would your life not be better if you kicked him out, and got maintenance?
At least you wouldn’t have to feel let down and resentful.
It’s not a partnership.

Cassy92 · 11/02/2023 17:26

Have you talked to him about it? My DH is lazy but in a sort of - I don't think about/see the mess.

If I nag him, he just goes the other way. But since having kids we've had a couple of bigger conversations about mental load, stress, domestic sexism etc and he has taken it on board and I have seen a difference. He doesn't want to be 'that guy' who is just an arsehol to his wife, but his nature is - why do the washing up when it can be done later....except later never comes.

What I say to him is, everytime you don't do something, what you're saying is - you do it - and you're leaving it for me.

It did sink in. My DH is fundamentally a good man though. Only you know whether your DH is or isn't.

Reinventinganna · 11/02/2023 17:27

He has a very very busy job. 8am-8pm generally Mon-Fri but it's a job where you are always expected to be "on".

It’s no excuse. I do similar hours (longer) but I’m a mum too. I don’t get to be lazy, it’s not an option.

What’s the point in working hard to support your family if you don’t participate in family life when you are at home?

Your children will grow up thinking that this is normal behaviour.

mrsbitaly · 11/02/2023 17:28

It doesn't matter whether he has a really FULL on job, so do you by the sounds of it managing children and the household. It's not acceptable to leave a baby in another room whilst your locked in another room it's common sense for all sorts of reasons. I never agree with parents staying for the children's sake. I say that as a child who grew up in this environment it was awful and even worse when they divorced when we were older because we had to deal with the vile aftermath of it all.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 11/02/2023 17:29

Why are you still with him - what are his good points.?

Hawkins003 · 11/02/2023 17:29

Omg, then use his £ for the babysitter ?

pigwood · 11/02/2023 17:32

It's like he's lodging with you and doesn't think he has to share any responsibilities for his own children. This will never change. He's like and extra child to care for

picklemewalnuts · 11/02/2023 17:36

BatshitBanshee · 11/02/2023 17:14

The reason your blood ran cold is because you realised that he is prepared to act like this in front of other people, that he will not hide his disdain for you or your children for the sake of appearances and it actually doesn't matter what the cost is, he's going to do what he wants. This isn't an isolated grumpy/tired incident that only you are witness to, this is now in front of other people don't know in your home.

He doesn't care about you or your kids. That's the realisation. What you do from here is down to you.

I know that for me, he'd be out on his rear and back to whatever raised him.

This

WeepingSomnambulist · 11/02/2023 17:38

So, by your own admission, he has always been like this. Lazy. But you picked him to have kids with. I assume he was like this when your first child was around but you chose to go ahead and have a second child?

What were you expecting?

Dont have anymore kids.

Justalittlebitduckling · 11/02/2023 17:40

I guess the question is will life be harder or easier if you leave him.

Shesasuperfreak · 11/02/2023 17:40

Finishing work everyday at 8pm would knacker me.
You should have booked the baby sitter trial for a week day.
I wouldn't want to waste a weekend doing it.
Now the only day to chill is tomorrow, then its back to work again.

I see both sides.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/02/2023 17:41

Why is he asleep during the day?

And why did you have a second child with this lazy-arsed man child?

MichelleScarn · 11/02/2023 17:41

The next thing I know he has left the baby in the kitchen and is back in the bedroom with the door shut. For some reason I was just mortified by this.

For some reason? For every reason!! How old is the baby and where were they left? Was your older child around too? My blood is running cold thinking about it. He's a fucking dangerous idiot.

Thesharkradar · 11/02/2023 17:43

dreadful, he acts as if his child is your hobby and not something that he has to bother himself about
make your plans, dont let him know, make sure he cant get out of financial support

Kisskiss · 11/02/2023 17:44

He needs to be pulled up by his bootstraps. Have you had a frank chat about expectations and where he is falling short? It’s kid number 2 so this has clearly been going for a while… and yes it should be a partnership and there’s really no point having him around just in name ..( but not really doing anything )

Thesharkradar · 11/02/2023 17:45

WeepingSomnambulist · 11/02/2023 17:38

So, by your own admission, he has always been like this. Lazy. But you picked him to have kids with. I assume he was like this when your first child was around but you chose to go ahead and have a second child?

What were you expecting?

Dont have anymore kids.

she was expecting him to behave like the rational person she thought he was, come on, you know this is unfair, they always ramp up the behavior when you are trapped,

WeepingSomnambulist · 11/02/2023 17:51

Thesharkradar · 11/02/2023 17:45

she was expecting him to behave like the rational person she thought he was, come on, you know this is unfair, they always ramp up the behavior when you are trapped,

Show quote history

He has always behaved like this. She expected him to change after having kids. They never change after having kids. They never get less lazy. They never get better.

She then had another kid.

My advice is going to stay the same. Stop getting pregnant to this man.

Intrepidescape · 11/02/2023 17:54

He works 12 hour days 8am to 8pm.

You don’t work....

Of course he wants to sleep.

You won’t leave him because he earns all the money.

Thesharkradar · 11/02/2023 17:56

They never get better
yes, we can all see that....in hindsight

WeepingSomnambulist · 11/02/2023 17:57

Thesharkradar · 11/02/2023 17:56

They never get better
yes, we can all see that....in hindsight

She had hindsight. She still had another kid.

Thesharkradar · 11/02/2023 17:57

You won’t leave him because he earns all the money
OP is on MAT leave, therefore has a job, therefore earns money