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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to choose fwb over new partner

150 replies

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 11/02/2023 14:07

Myself and a friend have had a fwb relationship on and off for years we always stop when either of us are in relationship. Iv had a new boyfriend for a couple of months now and everything is great except the sex, it's not awful its just very vanilla. I have tried to explain what I like and have tried to guide him but it just doesn't match up. However the sex I have with my friend is the best iv ever had.
Aibu to end a relationship with a nice guy just so I can go back to having amazing sex with a person who has no interest in ever having a relationship with me and could meet another woman next week and end it all
Yanbu. Sex is important and you should go back to your friend as he knows exactly how to keep you happy

OP posts:
Tuilpmouse · 11/02/2023 18:47

Tuilpmouse · 11/02/2023 18:41

I don't get this set up with your FWB. I always thought that FWB occurred when two friends wanted sex, but weren't able or willing to commit to a relationship.

However, if you are both open to pursuing relationships (and having relationships) given the sex is apparently so good, and you both get on enough to be friends, why not just have a relationship with your FWB? Job done!

Sorry, should have RTFT properly before my last post.

clpsmum · 11/02/2023 18:48

Whataretheodds · 11/02/2023 14:10

Does your new boyfriend know you're shagging someone else?

Read the post, she isn't

OhMyBleedingHeart · 11/02/2023 18:53

Bit surprised at how this thread has gone. Find it a bit weird to be in contact with someone you shag regularly and also pursuing a relationship with someone else. Does he know you see this guy often? If you were honest, I'd bet he'd be running a mile if he has any self respect.

And what makes this got boring and vanilla? Maybe he's equally uninterested and that's why he doesn't put the effort in.

Tuilpmouse · 11/02/2023 18:54

OP - I'd be concerned for you about re-kindling your FWB arrangement, as it's clearly more than that for you, and will very likely end in heartbreak for you and resentment as you fall for him and you start to feel he's simply using you.

Most people don't have successful FWB arrangements for a reason...

IslandLife88 · 11/02/2023 18:55

Your DP sounds selfish. Any man who cares would want to give you a nice time in bed too, the fact that he doesn’t do what he know you like means his ego is bigger than his desire to please you. Dump him.

life is too short for crap sex, a lesson I sadly only learnt in my 30s but better late than never I guess.

OhMyBleedingHeart · 11/02/2023 18:56

You say you want a relationship with your FWB. Just because you haven't cheated doesn't make it any better. Stay single with your FWB.

MacDoodleofredbrookcounty · 11/02/2023 18:56

SleepingStandingUp · 11/02/2023 18:18

26 is hardly young for 2 children, which is a perfectly average number to have. You make it sound like she's extreme parenting out there! Lots of parents have sex 🙄 and the fact the kids are likely at their Dad's a few nights a week make it easier not harder than it is for say parents like me.

Or are you suggesting she's parading all these many men through the living room in front of her kids who have to turn up cbeebiee to drown out the noise?

Show quote history

26 with 2 kids is young.

She is obviously not with her children's father.

You clearly have similar values.

So I cannot comment further.

MacDoodleofredbrookcounty · 11/02/2023 19:00

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 11/02/2023 18:43

Because he doesn't want a relationship with me I can't force someone to be with me

Show quote history

FFS

Focus on the kids you have brought into this world.

At 26 I was pondering good vs crap sex

BUT without two children totally dependant on me and my choices.

TheGoogleMum · 11/02/2023 19:00

Vanilla sex can be great! I would hate it if a man tried to do anything painful to me. Isn't that usually what they mean by non vanilla?
I think sometimes sex gets better over time with a partner as they learn more about your body. But if the new guy is really that bad perhaps you are right and it isn't worth settling for! Just be aware all new partners might struggle to match up to someone who already knows how to please you

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 11/02/2023 19:02

MacDoodleofredbrookcounty · 11/02/2023 18:56

26 with 2 kids is young.

She is obviously not with her children's father.

You clearly have similar values.

So I cannot comment further.

Show quote history

You are so judgemental most people in their 20s have kids this isn't abnormal and both their dads are in their lives and their good happy kids

OP posts:
Mummyof3Me2021 · 11/02/2023 19:03

Doliveira · 11/02/2023 14:45

There’s no right answer here because both connections on the menu are compromises.

bf = compromise sexually

fwb = compromise emotionally / socially

neither is a win.

This. Absolutely spot on.

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 11/02/2023 19:06

TheGoogleMum · 11/02/2023 19:00

Vanilla sex can be great! I would hate it if a man tried to do anything painful to me. Isn't that usually what they mean by non vanilla?
I think sometimes sex gets better over time with a partner as they learn more about your body. But if the new guy is really that bad perhaps you are right and it isn't worth settling for! Just be aware all new partners might struggle to match up to someone who already knows how to please you

I don't expect great sex straight of but we've been together a couple of months and things aren't improving especially when I'm being really clear on what I like and he just seems to be ignoring that

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 11/02/2023 19:09

I don't think the problem here is 'vanilla' sex - you're basically with a man who is too lazy and selfish to ensure you have an orgasm. Which is a crap basis for a relationship. I'd ditch him.

Bitofhelpoverhere · 11/02/2023 19:16

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 11/02/2023 14:16

I think people saying end the relationship are right iv put up with so much crap sex in my life its only when me and my friend started doing it I learnt what good sex should be and I don't want to settle for less

That was exactly my experience with my Fwb.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 11/02/2023 19:19

I do really like my fwb guy and if he wanted a relationship I'd definitely say yes but he's made it clear for him its just sex which I'm fine with

I had a fwb who didn't seem to want a relationship with me (many decades ago). Then I met DH, fell head over heels, still married 30 years later. Just after I met DH, FWB turned up to tell me he had feelings for me. He wasn't aware of DH at that point so it was legit. I had to say to him that I'd met someone else and to this day I know I made the right decision. That said if DH and I hadn't met, I'm pretty sure FWB and I could have had a good relationship. Will never know how it would have turned out.
Am waffling! Only to say please do have the conversation with your FWB. You might be assuming incorrectly

MacDoodleofredbrookcounty · 11/02/2023 19:21

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caramelsauce · 11/02/2023 19:22

Some strange responses regarding the fact you have a FWB and that you want a decent sex life whilst also being a mother.

End it with your boyfriend and go back to the FWB for now until you meet the one that can offer a relationship and great sex!

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 11/02/2023 19:25

caramelsauce · 11/02/2023 19:22

Some strange responses regarding the fact you have a FWB and that you want a decent sex life whilst also being a mother.

End it with your boyfriend and go back to the FWB for now until you meet the one that can offer a relationship and great sex!

Thankyou

OP posts:
Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 11/02/2023 19:26

This reply has been deleted

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Are you really old or really religious or something because this is actually really normal in this day and age

OP posts:
MacDoodleofredbrookcounty · 11/02/2023 19:26

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ForestLilac · 11/02/2023 19:27

I think that with sex, some people love it and take great pleasure from it and it’s important that their partner/spouse/FWB is the ‘right’ fit.

Other people think of it as dirty, something only horny teenagers do, something that you grow out of as you mature, and by still loving it you’re simply showing your immaturity to everyone.

And mumsnet is like this quite a lot these days, people who cannot simply see that there is another opinion other than their own.

@Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy theres nothing wrong with having two kids at your age or being dissatisfied with your boyfriend or of having previously enjoyed sex with a FWB. I do agree that you have to be sure you’re not hoping more will come of the FWB, that’s the only disadvantage I can see.

Have you ever gone on Reddit? Try this section here……

Dating over forty but they aren’t too fussy about ages as long as you’re not a prat.

Good luck, it’s important you are happy.

MacDoodleofredbrookcounty · 11/02/2023 19:30

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R00K · 11/02/2023 19:30

In my experience, fwb sex is always better than relationship sex. I find I'm more open and demanding with fwb sex, since I don't have to worry about hurt feelings.

Merryoldgoat · 11/02/2023 19:31

You have two issues really @Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy

  1. Your current partner isn’t compatible with you sexually and you don’t enjoy being with him intimately
  2. You clearly like your FWB and would like more than he can or wants to give.

You should of course break up with your DP - good sex is extremely important. I have much less sex than I’d like but there are reasons for that. DH and I had brilliant sex early on and still do if we get round to it.

Your FWB situation isn’t doing you any favours. I’m not at all judgemental about the fact of it - sounds very sensible given you have two kids and still want sex sometimes. Crack on for sure. However it’s clear you want more from him. Whilst attached to him like this you won’t really find someone else but more importantly, if he finds someone else you’ll be very hurt.

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 11/02/2023 19:34

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My kids always come first but they need a happy mum which means I have to do things for me to

OP posts:
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