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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to choose fwb over new partner

150 replies

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 11/02/2023 14:07

Myself and a friend have had a fwb relationship on and off for years we always stop when either of us are in relationship. Iv had a new boyfriend for a couple of months now and everything is great except the sex, it's not awful its just very vanilla. I have tried to explain what I like and have tried to guide him but it just doesn't match up. However the sex I have with my friend is the best iv ever had.
Aibu to end a relationship with a nice guy just so I can go back to having amazing sex with a person who has no interest in ever having a relationship with me and could meet another woman next week and end it all
Yanbu. Sex is important and you should go back to your friend as he knows exactly how to keep you happy

OP posts:
MaybeSmaller · 11/02/2023 15:08

Not unreasonable you just need to evaluate what is important to you. Just be sure you're aren't taking FWB for granted, as you say he could end it next week if he meets someone else and there obviously have been times in the past when he has.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/02/2023 15:08

The longer you go on having a relationship with the fwb the more chance there is you will get hurt. At some point he may well end this relationship permanently as you have already said you would happily have a more conventional relationship with him I suspect it will hurt more than you think.

Pssspsss · 11/02/2023 15:15

@Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy

okay so yeah vanilla sex is bleurgh and I definitely wouldn’t have settled for that in my 20s singledom days. (In fact I did not settle for that). So if new bf is vanilla now after a couple months in the honeymoon stage id say ditch.

HOWEVER - my question to you is:

if FWB is so amazing in bed then are you ever truly really going to be satisfied by another man … Especially considering you’ve admitted you’d happily have a relationship with FWB if he was that way inclined.

my fear is that you’ve got FWB on a pedestal and no one’s ever really going to match up with that. I also worry that one day FWB will meet his life partner (for whatever reason that’s not you) and although you think and feel at this moment in time you are comfortable with the whole FWB arrangement you will ultimately end up heartbroken

so my feeling is actually you should ditch them both

HikingforScenery · 11/02/2023 15:16

You need to let the new man go so he can find someone who is right for him. The earlier you’re honest with him, the better.

girlfriend44 · 11/02/2023 15:18

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 11/02/2023 14:31

It's not that my relationship with the new bf isn't important its just having a good sex life with someone who can give you multiple orgasms is important to

Show quote history

You can't have it all
Nobody has it all. I'd stick with your new partner ans work on things.

safetyfreak · 11/02/2023 15:19

Yes let your new partner go

Both you and your FWB sound grim tbh.

Parisj · 11/02/2023 15:20

As you don't need a partnership, fwb is perfect - until he's not there. New boyfriend not for you, release him back into the dating pool and keep looking?

WunWun · 11/02/2023 15:21

safetyfreak · 11/02/2023 15:19

Yes let your new partner go

Both you and your FWB sound grim tbh.

What? How does the OP sound grim?!

ForestLilac · 11/02/2023 15:22

If sex is important to you and you’re not satisfied with your boyfriend then there is no point lingering. For some other woman, the vanilla sex he prefers will be her dreams come true. But that’s not you. End it kindly, restart with your FWB and start back on the apps.

TheSnowyOwl · 11/02/2023 15:22

I think you need to end the relationship to find someone you are sexually compatible with. Your FWB is irrelevant.

ForestLilac · 11/02/2023 15:23

safetyfreak · 11/02/2023 15:19

Yes let your new partner go

Both you and your FWB sound grim tbh.

Two consenting adults meeting up and thoroughly enjoying themselves. That’s not grim, that’s awesome. I wish I had that!

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 11/02/2023 15:36

safetyfreak · 11/02/2023 15:19

Yes let your new partner go

Both you and your FWB sound grim tbh.

Why do we sound grim? For enjoying sex, having fun, meeting each others needs

OP posts:
MadEyeWheezy · 11/02/2023 15:51

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 11/02/2023 14:50

I'm 26 so have plenty of time to settle down. I have 2 kids and have no interest in having anymore. I'm not interested in getting married. I think when I'm older I would want a soul mate someone to grow old with but at this stage of my life I just want fun and if I meet someone who's the whole package then great but I don't want to settle and be having the these feelings a year or even 5 years down the line when feelings are going to get hurt

Show quote history

It sounds to me op like you are very clear in what you want. You sound very sensible and level headed.

I do think that your age makes a difference and even if being in a relationship is something you want for the future you still have plenty of time for that. It's clear that neither your current bf nor your fwb is a long term proposition so go with what is the most fulfilling at the moment.

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 11/02/2023 15:54

MadEyeWheezy · 11/02/2023 15:51

It sounds to me op like you are very clear in what you want. You sound very sensible and level headed.

I do think that your age makes a difference and even if being in a relationship is something you want for the future you still have plenty of time for that. It's clear that neither your current bf nor your fwb is a long term proposition so go with what is the most fulfilling at the moment.

Show quote history

Thankyou

OP posts:
Jimboscott0115 · 11/02/2023 15:58

I think the answers fairly obvious OP, if you and your new partner aren't sexually compatible then it isn't going to last anyway so why drag it out? Unless you're willing to have mediocre sex for the rest of your days, or there's a clear path to improving things then you're flogging a dead horse.

Movinghouseatlast · 11/02/2023 15:58

Pssspsss · 11/02/2023 15:15

@Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy

okay so yeah vanilla sex is bleurgh and I definitely wouldn’t have settled for that in my 20s singledom days. (In fact I did not settle for that). So if new bf is vanilla now after a couple months in the honeymoon stage id say ditch.

HOWEVER - my question to you is:

if FWB is so amazing in bed then are you ever truly really going to be satisfied by another man … Especially considering you’ve admitted you’d happily have a relationship with FWB if he was that way inclined.

my fear is that you’ve got FWB on a pedestal and no one’s ever really going to match up with that. I also worry that one day FWB will meet his life partner (for whatever reason that’s not you) and although you think and feel at this moment in time you are comfortable with the whole FWB arrangement you will ultimately end up heartbroken

so my feeling is actually you should ditch them both

This sums it up.

You want a relationship with your friend, he doesn't want one with you. So you are taking what you can get- sex. Its no wonder you are having the best sex you ever had. Subconsciously you are trying to convince him you're the one for him.

Icanbetherubberband · 11/02/2023 16:02

Sack them both off, you deserve someone who is going to give you what you want both in and outside the bedroom. Life's to short to settle.

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 11/02/2023 16:04

Thankyou everyone for your replies im going to end the relationship with my bf and although I agree with some of your comments about my fwb I'm not ready to end that yet

OP posts:
wantmorenow · 11/02/2023 16:05

New man is not for you - you are sexually incompatible. Simples. I'm 55 and still wouldn't settle for lovely man who didn't excite me sexually let alone at 26. You absolutely should aim to have it all. Why settle.

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 11/02/2023 16:09

The poll is exactly 50/50 that's helpful 🤣

OP posts:
Pssspsss · 11/02/2023 16:15

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 11/02/2023 16:04

Thankyou everyone for your replies im going to end the relationship with my bf and although I agree with some of your comments about my fwb I'm not ready to end that yet

Deffo ditch the new one.

so long as you keep your eyes wide open about FWB. I just worry that it’s gonna end up him blissfully loved up with a new bird and you heartbroken. It’s so easy to say you know it’s never going anywhere but it’s bothering me you are struggling to find a meaningful relationship that’s with someone who isn’t the FWB guy.

And I do wonder if he’s just a bit of a disrespectful arse to be honest. I mean, your good enough to fuck but not good enough to date? Just remember- You are worth more than that xx

BaroldFromEastenders · 11/02/2023 16:16

I can’t believe people are saying you should stick with the new man - bad sex at the start will never improve and it’s not up to you to put all that effort in anyway!

im glad to see you’re ditching him anyway - enjoy your fwb and if another relationship comes along it does. If not you’re still having mind blowing sex instead of struggling along with some bloke

ItchyBillco · 11/02/2023 16:17

safetyfreak · 11/02/2023 15:19

Yes let your new partner go

Both you and your FWB sound grim tbh.

Why? Your post seems to be designed to shame the op for…what? Valuing sex?

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 11/02/2023 16:18

WunWun · 11/02/2023 15:21

What? How does the OP sound grim?!

Show quote history

Because she’s dared to admit to enjoying no-strings sex. Not just admitted it - admitted she might actually prefer it to the steady but dull option. And that’s a no-no for some people on MN. Anything that isn't going two by two like the animals on the ark is a no-no.

I wonder how many people who look down on anyone who wants something other than a traditional monogamous relationship are actually happy - or are they just doing what they think is “the done thing”?

ItchyBillco · 11/02/2023 16:23

I imagine that poster is particularly sniff because the poster has…gasp…children.