To find DH’s family’s gifting etiquette weird?

[KarenBradysHair]

DH’s family are lovely, they really are. But I find they have no sense of occasion about birthdays/Christmas. There’s always a text a week or two before the event, asking what the person wants, and that’s what they get. It’s not even like ‘oh I’d like some new socks’ and the person then chooses them nice socks, it’s ‘here is the link to the exact socks’. I feel like they might as well all save themselves the bother as no one is surprised, and everyone gets roughly the same amount spent on them.

Don’t get me wrong, getting what you want is great, but if there’s no mystery, why not cut out the middle man (and the faff of ordering/delivery etc) and everyone could just buy their own gifts?!

My husbands family is the same. I find it odd too tbh, particularly between the adults, like why even bother?!

Dh's family is the same. At Christmas they wanted to do a round robin where they all chose one item (down to catalogue number) and one person buys it. As dh said, they might as well all agree they'll treat themselves to something of the value of whatever it is as buy it. It saves the faffing around that one has forgotten to bring the present and another one's wasn't in stock before Christmas-and then it's June before they get the present because they live in different places.
Dh prefers the buy a small present each, and make it a surprise.

I know a lot of families like this, I think it's sensible enough among people who are comfortable with each other and want to get the person something they know will get used. MIL always asks us and it's nice to ask for, for example, a nicer item of makeup or whatever than I would usually get.

On my side we do smaller presents that are surprises, but in truth it's half predictable stuff like chocolates and half stuff that isn't quite right like a scarf in the wrong colour or whatever.

Pluses and minuses to both.

My DHs family is the same, it's all very transactional. But at the same time it means he gets what he wants and doesn't have to pretend to like gifts that he really doesn't like and will never use.

Ah we tend to do wish lists in both mine and DH's family, but we tend to put quite a range of items on there at different prices. Sometime the things on the list are very specific, and sometimes it will be more a suggestion like 'a scented candle' or 'wool socks' etc so the gift giver can make a choice about exactly what to get. I think this is a good middle ground - people receive gifts they would like (so money isn't wasted) but there is still an element of surprise.

That's what we do in my family. It saves my mother buying me another dressing gown!

And that's why we swapped adult presents, it's pointless. I can buy my own socks or whatever and remove a layer of additional stress. My SIL and sister are both a nightmare with the kids presents they dictate exactly what is to be bought and neither are happy if you deviate.

This is what we do in my family and I prefer it tbh you know exactly what the person wants and noone is disappointed. My parents are quite tricky to buy for so it works well for us.

My own family are like this but even worse. I am asked what I want and if I give a generic answer I am asked to send a link and then sometimes (if we're not seeing them in person), 'If I send you the money, can you buy it yourself?' Fortunately DH's family are the opposite, and I appreciate it all the more. 😄

I think this is pretty normal and makes sense. Unless people know you very, very well and are brilliant at present buying then the chances are they'll get you something crap or that isn't your taste. I'd much rather get something I really want. DH can get you some surprises.

But this just makes sense, you get the present you actually want. Also, who needs surprises as an adult? Come on, that's just for children isn't it? Mind you, I also get sent links to specific presents from my kids as well, saves on the drama 😉

Our family all do amazon wish lists. So we all get exactly what we want and no surprises. For Xmas and Birthdays. Texting sounds like a faff in comparison.

My husband often receives a text from his mum and sister on his birthday saying theyve sent him XXX by bank transfer!! Least effort possible but I think all families are just different as my mum Bless her heart still makes such a fuss on my birthday though I'm in my 30s

My family are sort of like this - we all have amazon gift lists and although of course it is allowed to go "off list" people generally dont. I'll be honest I like it! It saves a lot of stress of trying to think of what to buy people and potenitally getting them something out of obligation that they won't actually use. I do like all opening gifts from each other on Christmas day though and would miss that, even if I do have a good idea what I'll be getting!

i think it’s often the case when money is it had been tight ensuring the person wants and will use the gift.

Obviously this is fine, and I can totally see the logic in why people may do this, but on an emotional level, I absolutely cannot stand this 😅

I'm all for stress and worry being taken out of gifting, but I really find this custom so cold and charmless. I feel there should be a middle ground somehow. But again that's just my heart talking.

I love your dh's family.
It makes buying presents so stress free.
It means receiving presents, you actually get something you want / will use / will like.
FAR better than people who say "I always choose something really thoughtful" and everyone else smiling politely and saying thank you, but really thinking 'how long until I can take this to the charity shop' / 'I wonder if the shop will change it without a receipt' / 'why does she keep buying me this stuff' / etc.

I'd much rather get exactly the gift off my list than something random or something that I'm not going to use.

My family have lists but not normally in detail as in 'here is the link to exactly this product'. more like 'I like'd like a nice serving dish for the table' etc.

It's sensible to me. I'd rather that than them not liking the present.

So I’ll start off by saying obviously I know it’s not all about gifts.

But my family do this and yes it is a bit weird. Christmas and birthday gifts are never a surprise and despite being an adult I wish they got me a surprise present that they thought I’d like rather than me have to choose the exact thing I want.

I personally love buying people gifts because I enjoy the experience of thinking of what they’d like but as my family don’t do this they just send me a link over and it takes the excitement out of it

Yanbu

I guess in a way it stops getting or buying gifts you wouldn’t use but personally I prefer surprises

Personally I don't see the point of adults giving each other presents, unless maybe a bunch of flowers or a bottle of champagne if it's a 'big' birthday.

I really don't 'need' or want anything - other than stuff that would be too expensive to be affordable or appropriate for a Christmas or birthday present.

My DH & family are also like this but he's not like it with me.
But with his children they just all send each other Amazon links a few weeks before birthday/ Christmas.

It just seems dull and pointless to me but I suppose that's because my family is different.

This is the system in our family. Means we always get things we actually want and like. Makes total sense!

Much prefer it like this. We don’t buy much for ourselves so when we do get gifts it’s much nicer to have the exact things we want. Still better to get as a gift than buying ourselves.

Also have several neurodivergent family members who like presents but hate surprises so far better for them.

I guess on the positive side, you don’t end up with some freakish present that you don’t want that you end up donating to the charity shop (if they’ll take it!) which is my DH’s family!
I would just love to request a pot of Body Shop cream of my choice and actually get that!