To find DH’s family’s gifting etiquette weird?

[KarenBradysHair]

DH’s family are lovely, they really are. But I find they have no sense of occasion about birthdays/Christmas. There’s always a text a week or two before the event, asking what the person wants, and that’s what they get. It’s not even like ‘oh I’d like some new socks’ and the person then chooses them nice socks, it’s ‘here is the link to the exact socks’. I feel like they might as well all save themselves the bother as no one is surprised, and everyone gets roughly the same amount spent on them.

Don’t get me wrong, getting what you want is great, but if there’s no mystery, why not cut out the middle man (and the faff of ordering/delivery etc) and everyone could just buy their own gifts?!

DH family is the same. We have to send links to what we want, they then order and have it delivered to us. They don’t even bother ordering it to theirs and wrapping it up.
I find it odd but just accepted it is their way. We have suggested stopping buying on multiple occasions but they won’t stop.

We do it so we get what we want although there might be smaller surprise presents. I have teenage grandsons, there is no point getting them something they will never use (like my sister does)

My SIL used to send us Argos catalogue numbers for us to buy her son’s Christmas presents. It just took all the spirit of gift giving out of it and made me feel like we were just a courier company.

It’s the choice of selfish, unimaginative people who can’t be arsed putting in the effort required for a really thoughtful gift.

My husband's family is like this (he's from another country) and I hate it. So transactional. Literally a list of links. I thought it was about surprise and delight.

Anyway, I'm used to it now. DH and I make a master list on Google Keep for me, him and the kids, and then he sends a selection of them to his family, and we tick off what has been bought. I suppose we're all quite hard to buy for, so maybe it's not a bad idea.

I like being told what to get people. We only do gifts for children in my family anyway so that's ok but for gifts between me and DH, we send links or ideas. It's still a bit of a surprise because our lists are bigger than our budget so we have to choose. I'm quite tight with money and rarely buy myself things so there are always things I'd like to have but can't justify to myself.

I can see why you say it, it does take any meaning and excitement from gift giving.

But when you have poor present buyers in the family, it's better than leaving it to chance. I get some random crap some years and regularly wish I'd have given specifics.

I very much prefer this to getting "socks" in the wrong size or fluffy instead of plain black I can use with shoes.

At least people can and want actually use the present instead of donating it or gathering dust in the cupboard.

We normally offer a couple of itmes so it's still a bit of a surprise but I get what I actually like and want.

Sounds perfect to me, OP! Better than having relatives who give distinctly odd presents which end up getting wasted. For five years my MIL only gave me chutney. (I quite like chutney, but only eat it about once a year...) One birthday she randomly got me rubber car floor mats. And always lots and lots of toiletries I can’t use even though she knows I’m allergic to them.

Her family believe firmly that nobody should ever be bought anything they actually want (or have expressed a desire for) 😂 The idea is that you are meant to be performatively grateful for a gift whatever it is. It’s a kind of fanatical adherence to “surprise” gift-giving, but it ends up hugely wasteful, but also a little bit insulting to be honest, as the whole point of it seems to be not actually thinking about what someone might genuinely like, just the satisfaction of watching them pretend to be delighted whatever you give them!

And that to me isn’t really what giving presents is about. Yes you shouldn’t “expect” anything, but at the same time it’s also pretty inconsiderate to keep giving people generic presents that may be unsuitable or unusable or unwanted, kind of just for the hell of it. So the other extreme - no surprises but everyone gets something they actually want - seems a much better alternative in both ecological terms and just all round pleasantry, even if it’s a teensy bit dull.

I love this, everyone gets what they want, no waste and no having to pretend to like something. Most people in my DH family do this and are happy with it. MIL always insists on extras from santa. DD got earrings made from metal she is allergic to, ds1 got a book he already owns. Both went straight to charity

It's nice to get something you actually want but might not have felt you could buy yourself.

It's better than the etiquette in my family (well, with my parents, my siblings and I have worked out the nonsense of it) where you are bought something you don't want (at best, actively hate at worst) and then are expected to show undying gratitude.

My and DH family do this, it’s great. So much less wasteful.

My brother and I have a system where we buy ourselves something we couldn't really justify spending our own money on. This way, we get exactly what we want and we then tell each other what a lovely gift we got from them!

This is a lot better than when you have a wish list and then people go off-list and by something similar but not the one you wanted.

For example you add a nice le creuset mug and they buy you a random equally expensive mug from a garden centre that you don't want and then you have a mug so you can't buy another one but every time you drink from it you remember the one you actually wanted. The bastard cuckoo mug is the one that never smashes either and you have to use it in front of them because it was an gift. Grrr.

Growing up my dad's mother used to ask us for the Argos catalogue reference numbers, she was generous in amount she would spend but nothing was a surprise and everything had to come from argos.

DH's family is the same. They stopped buying presents about 15 years ago. They just transfer money into our bank account. They don't even bother their backsides to buy a voucher or something. No thought, no effort. If we want the kids to have something to open at Christmas or birthday from their uncle/grandparents, we have to buy it, wrap it, and tell the kids it's from grandparents or uncle.

My parents and sister don't always get it right. But they at least put a bit of effort into it and try to choose something we'd like.

I guess it is a sensible take on a quite ridiculous ritual [most gift giving].

I used to enjoy gift giving, until I realised that no matter how hard I tried the recipient probably didn't really want 90% of the gifts I gave (as that is about right for gifts I'm given) - now I really dislike it bother ways (unless recipient is fairly young/no matched reciprocation) for that reason.

Most gift giving to me is just silly and wasteful - and least this is just silly [well still wasteful in terms of time but not resources]!

I would rather get something I want. I don't like people wasting money on things I won't use.

I think it's quite sad to not give people presents because they are adults. You can still buy things, you just don't get tat they don't want!

My SIL does this. Thankfully we have finally agreed to no longer give gifts to adults as it just seemed ridiculous.

Sounds very practical. And there was plenty of choice in the Argos catalogue.

Sadly we don't have Argos anymore :(

Exactly what we do in our family. I rather like it.

On the other side of the coin, MIL refuses to entertain the idea, and several hundreds of pounds worth of tat from Amazon that always ends up cluttering up the loft.

I make a list , I don’t expect everything on it and it covers a decent range in prices - I’m luckily in a situation where I can afford to buy myself things and don’t want unnecessary clutter so it makes sense to me

DH’s side is like this and I prefer it over getting stuff I don’t want, never use, and have to find a place for. Plus, I dislike the bog standard gifts of chocolate, alcohol and some stereotypical girly gift.

We only see them 3-5 times a year and interests can change especially with children. I ask what the children are into or if there is something on nieces or nephews’ Christmas list that they would like for us to get. Everyone’s happy and it’s less wasteful. There is still some surprise since I don’t know exactly what I’m getting.

My in-laws buy me and our children utter tat, I put it straight in the bin, or if they’ll accept it the charity shop. My Mum on the other hand buys my sister in-laws Este Lauder make-up because they’ve sent a link. I know which situation I’d rather be in.

There is no one in the world who knows me as well as I do! No one can give me a gift that is as thoughtful or unique as the thing that I actually bloody wanted! So get me that thing or nothing. Please don't add insult to injury by determining I am the sort of bland person that could do with a Costa coffee voucher or another scented candle.

We do wish lists that are a mix of "I could use some new socks" (the gift giver can choose whatever ones to get) and "I would love to have the new novel by X author and X Lego set please".
Why don't I go and buy X novel and X set of Lego myself? Because my disposable income is different to my parents/in law's. They have more spare to be able to treat me to a slightly more expensive gift than I could go and buy myself.