To find DH’s family’s gifting etiquette weird?

[KarenBradysHair]

DH’s family are lovely, they really are. But I find they have no sense of occasion about birthdays/Christmas. There’s always a text a week or two before the event, asking what the person wants, and that’s what they get. It’s not even like ‘oh I’d like some new socks’ and the person then chooses them nice socks, it’s ‘here is the link to the exact socks’. I feel like they might as well all save themselves the bother as no one is surprised, and everyone gets roughly the same amount spent on them.

Don’t get me wrong, getting what you want is great, but if there’s no mystery, why not cut out the middle man (and the faff of ordering/delivery etc) and everyone could just buy their own gifts?!

We do wishlists and works well for us - I'm always short of money and never buy anything for myself so it's lovely to get stuff I actually want or need!
Plus because you a few different options you still end up with a surprise even though that element doesn't actually bother me.
What does bother me a bit is people who think just because you need a bit of direction in the gift buying department that means you don't know or care about them properly! Not everyone is good at buying spontaneous gifts.

I think it’s a good idea, I means you gift some they want or need and the gift will not be wasted.

Look at the pile of unwanted gifts you have left over from Christmas, waiting to go to the charity shop. Think of all the landfill. Think of all the tat you opened with a sinking heart and a smile on your face. I know you think people love the gifts you give but you'll be lucky to have a 50% success rate.

I find it hard enough to buy for myself, let alone other people. The only gifts I give are flowers (compostable) and food or drink that I know will be appreciated or books, which can usually be exchanged if necessary.

I have family members that do this. It doesn’t feel like a gift to me, then. But they say it’s better to have some thing you need. It’s boring and controlling.

I don't understand why it's thought of as controlling?

My ex’s family were like this. “What am I getting for ?”

I once replied “I don’t know.. a nice, thoughtful present?” and quickly caught myself and changed the subject 😅

I find this totally saps the joy out of giving & receiving presents. I like to put the effort in and get someone something I think they'll really like. I also enjoy using any presents from people thinking that they did the same and to me it's more meaningful.

I get that people are different though.

Much rather this than waste money on unwanted shite. Kids do get a surprise but rele's ask us what they would like/they send a link and say would they like this/do they already have it? then they buy it and wrap it. Adults just get sent money or we send a link to the thing we'd like. Far better all round.

This is how some of our family buys are presents and honestly it’s fantastic.

• no one wastes their money
• no one gets things they don’t like/won’t use so things aren’t binned (yes people should probably donate unwanted gifts but the reality is a lot of people don’t have the time/can’t be bothered and don’t)
• no one’s time is wasted scouring the internet/shops for hours
• no one gets two of the same thing
• it’s significantly easier for those with busy lifestyles

Don’t get me wrong, a surprise here and there is really nice. But ultimately gift giving shouldn’t be stressful and doing things the “old” way for every single gift is just far too consuming.

It can be tricky though when you run into budget issues (ie someone said they’d like x but it’s £50 more than you wanted to spend, etc).

I prefer this! I don’t want surprises. I send my partner a list of what I want as I find that more exciting than to receive things I might not like. It’s preferable to having to disappoint him by asking if he’s kept the receipt!

You set a budget obviously!

As someone who hates the mystery and sense of occasion of gift giving it sounds perfect to me.
I think people who pride themselves on finding the perfect gift are a pain in the arse, it's rarely about what the recipient wants.

I totally get this, and I’m aware I’ll sound ungrateful when I say this, but unfortunately some people think they know what you’d “really like” and they really haven’t got a clue.

Over the years I’ve been bought some really odd gifts that I just don’t understand show they thought it was “me” at all, eg a mug and a hot chocolate set when I don’t drink hot drinks ever. Never have, never will, even work colleagues who are new to the office know I don’t drink them! It isn’t ever to do with the monetary value spent, more just how they’re generic gifts that have absolutely no bearing on my personality, likes and interests at all.

I think gift giving with the sentiment of finding gifts people will truly love is a real skill and it’s something the vast majority of folk don’t have.

As I get older I like this idea more and more. Sick of smellies and socks and pyjamas I dont need. Would much prefer this.

Yes! One particular person I know always seems to want a praise on how well they know me when giving gifts. And always seems to be disappointed with what I get them!
Makes me not want to try next time

My DP does this, he calls them PP's (practical presents)...he usually wants some obscure pieces of plastic/metal that go on his motorbike. His daughter (24) refuses to buy him stuff he wants because it's 'weird presents that no one would want'...she wastes money on 'normal' things he never uses, it either goes up the loft or in the bin. He has Asperger's and is pretty fixated on motorbikes and not much else.
Me and my family sent links for Christmas this year and I'm not going to lie, it was so stress free compared to usual! I'm a fan!

This. There are a million threads on here at Christmas when people have received yet another scented candle or heavily perfumed hand cream that they hate. I would far rather get something I actually liked and if that means I have to specify what it is then that's fine.

I also don’t understand why people don’t just take the next logical step and buy their own gifts instead of having this middle-man or woman system. My DH’s family do it but I think it’s driven by one of his siblings who is very particular.

Usually, thoughtful gifts are really what the gift giver likes. It's always some eyesore or a shitty 342 from Boots.

I don't accept gifts. My parents send me £500 at Christmas and birthday. I had "no gifts" on my wedding invitations, and the gifts I did receive were given away on FB marketplace.

Because they can't justify the cost of buying the thing for themselves?
And getting something you'd like but don't want to buy yourself for whatever reason is surely a really good gift?

Because its nice to unwrap a gift!

@Forgotthebins different members of my family have different amounts of money to spend on gifts.
For example my mum can spend £50 on me. She can afford that. So if there is something that I would like for a gift that's 50 quid she can get it. I can't go and get it because I haven't got spare £50.
(For her birthday I probably spend around £10. I can afford that. She understands that's what I can afford)

That was in response to forgotthebins post above about cutting out the middleman...should have previewed

My DP is like this and will present me with a specific set of links to items he likes. I initially found it a bit transactional but it does make my life much easier.

By contrast my family growing up were very much in the “serendipity is essential” camp when it came to presents and it just led to people being disappointed and getting bought the same presents every year because people couldn’t remember what they had bought before.

My dad used to be utterly awful at buying gifts. He would invariably buy something completely wrong. Even with specific and detailed instructions. In theory I think it’s nice for there to be an element of surprise but in practice it’s very hard unless you know someone really well and have time to research it.

Were they short of money at some point in the past?

This sort of gifting is to avoid wasting scarce money by ordering the wrong thing, when it's much easier to get exactly what you want, in the right size, first go. My family does it. We were free school meal kids and every penny counted.

Somehow we never managed to shake it off.