To find DH’s family’s gifting etiquette weird?

[KarenBradysHair]

DH’s family are lovely, they really are. But I find they have no sense of occasion about birthdays/Christmas. There’s always a text a week or two before the event, asking what the person wants, and that’s what they get. It’s not even like ‘oh I’d like some new socks’ and the person then chooses them nice socks, it’s ‘here is the link to the exact socks’. I feel like they might as well all save themselves the bother as no one is surprised, and everyone gets roughly the same amount spent on them.

Don’t get me wrong, getting what you want is great, but if there’s no mystery, why not cut out the middle man (and the faff of ordering/delivery etc) and everyone could just buy their own gifts?!

This. I'm like this. I was poor for years and hated the idea of spending momney I didn;t have on something someone would politely smnile at then stick in a drawer to regift. i am not a confident present buyer. I liked to know exactly what other people want and then I get great joy out of buying it for them.

TBH, I prefer this approach.

The only two people I know who are genuinely brilliant at buying presents are my OH and my MiL (who is genius, I don't know how she does it).

I'm crap, my own family is crap, my friends are... not great.

Those two - they're the Gok Wan(s) of present-buying and I'm happy to throw caution to the wind. Everybody else, not so much.

DHs family do this, but with vouchers. So they all decide where they'd like a voucher for this year, and then everybody goes and gets them a £5 voucher for that place. So DH has to go to 3 different shops and buy a £5 voucher in each; he then receives 3 £5 vouchers for his chosen shop.

By the time he spends money on driving round the different shops, plus the amount of time it takes, it makes no sense to me why they don't just each set aside £15 to buy themselves something from the others for Christmas.

My inlaws are hopeless at presents - I don't think I've ever liked a single present they chose. Or maybe I'm fussy!!

Anyway, I much prefer it now they ask me 😆

Ironically, apparently I chose well for the inlaws. This is how ....

Notice what they wear/like and buy it even if I don't like it myself.

Most people buy presents they like themselves IMO.

My SIL is like this. She wants me to think of EXACTLY what my DC should get for birthdays/Xmas.
I've said to her just give them money and they will get it themselves. She said no that's lazy.
It's ME doing all the thinking and research!

With DC we just say surprise or gift card or money. Everyone is happy with that.

Yes I also have this. DH didn't know what he wanted so I asked if he would prefer to have to money so I gave I'm £150.

This is 100% weird.

DH mum sends a bank transfer - often 3 weeks before Christmas! It just gets swallowed up the current account.

Also with my two DDs, she asks exactly what to get and they have to be equally priced. One time one item was reduced by 50% and wouldn't accept that she should still only get that?!

I agree with those who say this is down to historical poverty. My family is like this even though we now all have enough money - not so much at Christmas, but certainly for birthdays.

My little sister is the only one who goes so far as to send links, but that's because she likes to be sure people are 'not wasting money' - the links are always to the cheapest version available!

this is down to historical poverty

in our case its down to the invention and convenience of internet shopping and in particular - amazon wishlists.

N

this is down to historical poverty

On a similar note in my case it was because, once I got past the small child stage I had one present on Christmas and birthdays. The adult me still remembers the crippling disappointment when the one present just wasn't something I wanted and knowing I wouldn't get anything else (and worse, pretend to like the thing, and in the case of clothing wear it frequently).

As an adult I can go and buy myself stuff, and it's no particular issue if I get a bad present as I can just get rid of it. But I still hate getting gifts I don't want.

It's not weird. That's how it should be. Why bother getting someone something they might not like or even use?
We all need to cut down on waste so this is a much better way of gifting.

My mum is exactly the same!

I would so prefer this! I remember how excruciating Christmas was as a child because of having to 'perform' how pleased I was with presents. I was an anxious child anyway and this just added to the anxiety. And I don't think I was an ungrateful brat, some of the more out there presents included things suitable for a child 5-6 years younger than me (think toddler toy for an 8yo) or to the grownup's taste rather than mine. To me it just showed how little they knew about me.

I also had (note had!) a friend who prided herself on 'thoughtful' presents. But they were also never something I'd actually want. She obviously took a huge amount of time choosing and then wrapping beautifully something I'd hate. Which invariably went to the charity shop. We went different ways over something else in the end.

We've reduced our present buying by mutual consent, which has really helped. I would also much prefer to buy something easily that I know the person really wants and needs than spend time I haven't got browsing in multiple shops.