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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find DH’s family’s gifting etiquette weird?

115 replies

KarenBradysHair · 10/02/2023 15:56

DH’s family are lovely, they really are. But I find they have no sense of occasion about birthdays/Christmas. There’s always a text a week or two before the event, asking what the person wants, and that’s what they get. It’s not even like ‘oh I’d like some new socks’ and the person then chooses them nice socks, it’s ‘here is the link to the exact socks’. I feel like they might as well all save themselves the bother as no one is surprised, and everyone gets roughly the same amount spent on them.

Don’t get me wrong, getting what you want is great, but if there’s no mystery, why not cut out the middle man (and the faff of ordering/delivery etc) and everyone could just buy their own gifts?!

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 10/02/2023 18:17

With dh fAmily we all say what we want sometimes that's say walking boots and they choose or it's a specific item. My family it's money. Immediate family we do wish lists

BeckettandCastle · 10/02/2023 18:20

This would be my dream! I hate surprises and instead love it when someone asks me to send them the link to what I want - we both win. I get what I actually want and they get me what I actually want - money saved and everyone is happy.

Riverlee · 10/02/2023 18:33

i was brought up that the buyer chooses a gift for the recipient, and the recipient was gracious, and thanked them for it (whether they liked it or not). There was an element of surprise in it.

Not keen on the shopping list present giving either, takes the fun out of the occasion.

JockTamsonsBairns · 10/02/2023 18:33

Part of the problem with these threads is that there doesn't seem to be any middle ground between the transactional 'sending links', and the receipt of 'tat that ends up in the charity shop/bin'.

DH and his family all like to exchange links, they don't like or want surprises, and prefer very practical presents. That's fine, it works for them. It took me a bit of getting used to at first - but, now I've got my head around it, I can see its value.
My family are the polar opposite - we love gift giving and, despite what these threads suggest, we're all pretty good at it! There's only DM, DSis and I, and we all know each other's tastes. I love exchanging surprises with them. I guess I've got the best of both worlds!

GettingStuffed · 10/02/2023 18:35

DH likes this, but he likely has autism

Cocobutt · 10/02/2023 18:35

I’m a ‘I don’t mind I’ll be happy with anything’ and some fluffy socks or a box of chocolates is perfect for me - but lots of people hate that I’m not fussed as they say I’m more difficult to buy for.

My sister is the opposite - she makes a list and sends everyone something off the list and will double check who’s getting what and to let her know if I’m not getting it as she’ll ask someone else instead.

She says it’s what she wants and she doesn’t want presents that she doesn’t want as that’s a waste of everyone’s money.

Wotrewelookinat · 10/02/2023 18:37

This is exactly what we do in our family. We hate receiving pointless random gifts and people wasting their money 🤷🏻‍♀️

AitkenDrum1970 · 10/02/2023 18:42

It’s so boring isn’t it? My DP and his family are just the same. I love choosing gifts and my brother and my mum were fabulous gift buyers, both now passed away. I feel so sad around Christmas and my birthday, missing them of course but also the thoughtful (and never big or expensive) gifts.

Verbena17 · 10/02/2023 18:43

Yes my DH’s family are all much like this.
More so for Christmas I’d say but still for birthdays.

I’ve come to just go along with it and see it as additional thing I won’t have to buy myself so usually, I’ll suggest nice shampoo/shower gels that I’d probably not splurge on day to day.

Dh hates surprises, as does DS but DD and me like surprises….although I still normally give DH a list of say 3 or 4 things for him to pick from.

corcaithecat · 10/02/2023 18:48

I on your Team DH family on this one.

I hate hate hate buying gifts for other people and tend to duck out wherever possible as I am utterly clueless and I’m aware that I invariably get it wrong.

My sister loves buying gifts and thinks she’s knows us all so well but 9/10 I don’t really like what she’s bought me and have to be polite and gracious. She thinks we have the same tastes but we really don’t. 😂
Luckily last Christmas, she happened to send me a screenshot for something she was buying someone else as part of our conversation and I spotted a pretty scarf in the background of the pic that I commented on, and so she bought it me for Christmas. Perfect!

Thankfully, my lovely DH is genuinely talented at gift buying and he invariably buys the perfect present for my family members as well as his own. He buys stuff all year round when he spots something suitable and keeps it hidden so it’s often a surprise to me too. 🤣

emmathedilemma · 10/02/2023 18:49

Are you my sister in law?? our family has got like this in the last few years, it’s like everyone has last any ounce of imagination they ever had, although my parents are notoriously difficult to buy for and please. It’s reached the point where I really feel like we should just agree not to buy presents other than for the kids. I got a box of unwrapped chocolates at Xmas (which I’m not even that keen on) and my dad did a bank transfer a couple of days later…..I don’t need money, it would be nicer if they spent a fraction of that on something that was a nice surprise, it’s not like I don’t have hobbies or interests!

anon666 · 10/02/2023 18:51

We actually do this now. It comes from DH who can't bear waste. In this day and age where people have got a lot of stuff already but not a lot of space, it does make sense.

But I also find it a bit impersonal. Still, when Christmas comes I get exactly what I would love and it's worth it.

Benjispruce4 · 10/02/2023 18:56

We don’t do adult presents apart from MIL and my DF. Saves a lot of faff. Always get surprises.

RosyappleA · 10/02/2023 18:58

I find it odd. I don’t expect my gifts to be expensive but a surprise is most welcome. I think gifting is about paying attention to someone and seeing what they like and then surprising them with something related to that. I like giving funny gifts also as it creates memories and also experience packages like theatre and dinner etc. I don’t think gifting should be so transactional but I must be old-fashioned. All the other stuff I really want I just buy myself and my immediate family throughout the year without it being a gift.

DivaDroid · 10/02/2023 19:02

Me & DH do it a bit differently.
I buy what I think he'll like (no complaints so far) & I hate/fear surprises (probably ND)
So I take a note of stuff I fancy when I see it, and he picks whatever off the 'list' & if others ask, he tells them a few items from it
That way he gets to surprise me (which he likes), but it's not a real surprise because I have chosen it.

Moonlightsonatas · 10/02/2023 19:07

This is my family, I much prefer it as there is no wasted money.

Even something like candles - if you had 20 lined up, one would be the best, 5 might be ok and the rest tolerable/awful. If someone else picks, it’s a 5% chance you’ll get the one you wanted.

People aren’t as good at buying surprise gifts as they think they are.

FunkyMonks · 10/02/2023 19:10

I much prefer that than ending up with stuff you don't want would never use etc it's far better and more practical.
Always what my family have done the amount of times I've ended up having stuff from others that well sadly I would never use and then feel bad because that person has essentially wasted money.

THisbackwithavengeance · 10/02/2023 19:12

DH's family is the same. They each buy each other an Amazon voucher for a pre-agreed amount. I went a bit rogue last year and asked for Next.

Totally pointless.

GreenShadow · 10/02/2023 19:17

Yep, we do this too.
Works well for us. No unwanted candles and toiletries cos no one can think what to buy

Kennykenkencat · 10/02/2023 19:18

I do this because I really don’t like surprises.

Or should I say I would love to be surprised if it was something I really really would love.
I find when people surprise me it is buying me something that they want themselves.

What I want doesn’t come into it.

I have cut out long friendships over presents.

catfunk · 10/02/2023 19:19

My family do this now, beforehand I used to take everything to the charity shop on the way back from Xmas I have a small flat and don't have space for all the unsuitable crap I used to her

catfunk · 10/02/2023 19:19

*get

Xol · 10/02/2023 19:29

We do birthday/Christmas lists because it makes life so much easier. When I try to buy for other relatives who don't do this, it can be near impossible to choose and I hate the feeling that I may well be spending money on something that they will never use and will probably give away. With things like socks, shirts, jewellery etc we don't specify anything in particular, and we would often include something quite generic like smelly bath stuff, beer, chocs etc. There's also a general understanding that of course anyone is free to go off list, and we often do if inspiration strikes.

user1497787065 · 10/02/2023 19:35

I give presents to my adult children. That's all. I don't buy birthday or Christmas presents for my DH and he doesn't buy for me. I buy cards for my DC but ask them not to buy cards or
Presents for me. I no longer swap presents for friends and I am slowly moving to e-cards for birthdays for them.
We don't do anniversaries or valentines.

I know some think it's all rather joyless but it suits us. If I want something I would rather choose and buy it myself than have to smile at something I didn't really want.

SantaBakula · 10/02/2023 19:36

Me and my DB fo this , usually send 4 or 5 links but don't expect all of them to be bought so is still a bit of a surprise.
As pp say if stop unwanted gifts our DGM was terrible at buying gifts , I would get dolls , I hated dolls and she knew this , my DB would get letter writing sets or toys she had picked up from charity shops that were for a child many years younger than him and usually had bits missing . ( they were not short of cash so that was not a issue)so even from a young age we would go over the argos catalogue and pick what we wanted and within reason our DPs got us what we wanted.