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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Immense guilt that I’m choosing for my son to be an only

119 replies

Baconandeggys · 09/02/2023 10:56

I find motherhood extremely difficult (understatement) and always have done since DS was born over 4 years ago.
He’ll be 5 in October and I still find it really hard. He’s possibly ND too, so that adds another layer.

I feel like I should give him a sibling as I’m so sad at the thought of him being lonely growing up. I have a brother and although we don’t talk a huge amount now, I travel to visit when I can and he sometimes comes to us (he lives in another area).
We played together as kids and I remember school holidays being fun as we made up games etc.

I can imagine my son being so lonely and bored during the school holidays, especially the six weeks 😢 his cousins come to visit during school hols, but they usually only stay for a few days.

How can I stop feeling such guilt?

OP posts:

flodmoore2808 · 09/02/2023 11:02

Same position here..husband won't have another as dd birth was extremely traumatic and damaging and I had severe hyperemesis throughout my pregnancy and I am now 40 so feel a bit old anyway.
I do feel guilt but console myself with the fact that she has cousins during the holidays, lots of friends, she gets our full attention and we have more money to do things with her. I also think the stress of another pregnancy/child wouldn't be good for us or her so it's in her best interest, especially if I was so ill again.
Lots of only children want a sibling..lots of people with siblings find it difficult or have fractured relationships.
The main things we find difficult is people assuming we don't enjoy parenting rather than we are happy at one and done 🙄

SafferUpNorth · 09/02/2023 11:10

Hey OP. I was in your shoes 9 or so years ago. My DS is now 14. I'll tell you about my experience, if that helps.

Even though both DH and I had wanted kids and always planned for 2, I also found the adjustment to motherhood really hard - my DS was an easy, happy baby and even though I loved him with all my heart, I felt like I was losing myself. I had a growing sense that, for the sake of my mental health, I just couldn't do a second. Not helped by the fact that I lost a good friend to PND when my DS was about 2.

When he was about 4, my DH started asking urgently whether we will be having a second, and saying we should get a move on. After many long chats and tears late into the night, during which I expressed my fear that I simply wouldn't be able to cope mentally and emotionally with two, we both accepted and decided that we'd stick to one.

Now, he's a deligtful teenager and so far a very happy, sociable, outgoing child. I'm so very happy we made that decision. And hindsight, so is DH. I jave my own business, we travel a lot, are able to go out regularly, have more disposable income. All things that make for happy parents = happy child.

All this nonsense about single children being lonely, spoiled etc is just stigma. It's not fact. Many studies have shown that only children are not more isolated.
If you make a point of socialising your child, maintaining relationships with extended family etc your child will grow up with a sense of belonging. And most of all, with a happy mum.

TheSnowyOwl · 09/02/2023 11:11

There are pros and cons to having or not having siblings. Focus on the pros and not the cons.

Movingsoon21 · 09/02/2023 11:13

OP so many people hate their siblings. Imagine if you had a second child “for your son” and he ended up hating them and never forgave you for bringing this pain into his life!

lieselotte · 09/02/2023 11:13

There is no such thing as "giving" someone a sibling. You're splitting any inheritance, for one thing. And they might not even get on, for another.

And one child means you are less stressed as a parent, you can afford to do more with them, and give them better opportunities. I'd say this is even more important if your son has additional needs.

It's also a good idea to quit while you're ahead after one healthy pregnancy - both having a healthy baby and staying healthy yourself.

flodmoore2808 · 09/02/2023 11:14

@SafferUpNorth
Thank you for your post, that's helped me as I felt the same

lieselotte · 09/02/2023 11:14

(and I know that inheritance shouldn't be the be all and end all, but look at all the threads about it on here!)

FloorWipes · 09/02/2023 11:15

I'm in this club. But also I grew up as an only child and I don't recall being lonely or bored during the holidays at all!

Reclining · 09/02/2023 11:16

Only child here, don't feel bad! There are so many benefits. Better social skills due to being around adults and having to make new friends. If you're doing what's right to make you the best possible parent, that will benefit your son.

follyfoot37 · 09/02/2023 11:16

lieselotte · 09/02/2023 11:13

There is no such thing as "giving" someone a sibling. You're splitting any inheritance, for one thing. And they might not even get on, for another.

And one child means you are less stressed as a parent, you can afford to do more with them, and give them better opportunities. I'd say this is even more important if your son has additional needs.

It's also a good idea to quit while you're ahead after one healthy pregnancy - both having a healthy baby and staying healthy yourself.

Wow, inheritance was the first thing you mentioned!
Speaks volumes

nokidshere · 09/02/2023 11:17

Guilt is a completely wasted emotion. What is the point in feeling guilty about 'what ifs'? You have no idea if you could get pregnant again or not, no idea if any future children would be close, no idea if they will remain friendly when they are adults. These things are borne from our idealistic views on what a family looks like.

If you parent your only child with guilt he/she will grow up thinking something was wrong with them, that they weren't enough for you. Embrace what you have and enjoy your life. There are millions of only children who are perfectly happy and hundreds of ways to ensure that they have plenty of friends and/or company.

My eldest has a friend who is an only child. When they were small they took my son places and we had their son with us regularly. They have been friends for over 20yrs now and both are happy, confident and loved.

Stop worrying about what might be and concentrate on now.

RealBecca · 09/02/2023 11:17

Remember that most siblings fight and compete and many go on to have none or a poor relationship as adults. And remember how awesome it is to be an only!

RealBecca · 09/02/2023 11:18

Having a child to assuage your guilt is wrong.

follyfoot37 · 09/02/2023 11:18

don't feel guilty!
Only children tend to be confident, able to speak to adults (as they spend more time with them), and usually the first to make friends and look out for others.
They also tend to like their own company and are creative

Darkstar4855 · 09/02/2023 11:20

Only child doesn’t mean being lonely! My son is an only child, he has lots of friends from preschool who he sees regularly as well as playing with local kids in the playground etc. He gets more of our attention and has never had to share me with a baby sibling, so I’ve had more time to play with him and do activities that he enjoys.

My partner and I both have multiple siblings that we rarely see, if at all. This idea that only children are lonely and children with siblings have it made is a ridiculous generalisation and not remotely true for a lot of people.

DragonflyLady · 09/02/2023 11:21

My parents are both onlies and they’ve never had an issue with it - they had plenty of friends and family around them. My only definitely doesn’t want a sibling! She’s quite happy being an only and has plenty of friends who are onlies. I’d have loved loads more but my body really doesn’t take to pregnancy very well!

Harlow19 · 09/02/2023 11:22

I’m going to start off by saying I’m not a parent yet but I’m pregnant and due in a couple of months…

However, I do have many friends that are parents and I think being honest the guilt does work both ways. Some that decide to go from one to two children have a lot of guilt that they are going to have to share the attention between two or feel like they’re making out that their first child isn’t enough. Then some friends choose to be one and done and feel guilty for that.

No one can promise that if you do have multiple kids that they’re all going to get on. I know many close siblings but I also know many siblings that don’t get on. I also know many happy only children x

Dontlistitonfacebook · 09/02/2023 11:23

There are advantages to being an only child.

ChildcareIsBroken · 09/02/2023 11:25

I'd argue we have second, third, whatever child (that is planned) because WE want more children. Your child is and will be more than well cared for. Yeah, he may ask for a sibling at some point but do children really understand what it means? It's probably just because they see their friends having baby in their families.
I love my siblings and have a good relationship with them, but many are not that lucky. Many people are closer to their friends than siblings. So try to let go of guilt. Like PPs said there are advantages of being an only child, focus on those.

SnoozyLucy7 · 09/02/2023 11:26

There’s nothing to feeling guilty about. Having a sibling is no guarantee that they will get on and be there for each other when you have gone. My mother and her only sister absolutely hate each other, with her sibling actively trying to sabotage my mums life, in any way she can. Her sister is truly evil and her behaviour has, without doubt, affected my mum, detrimentally since she was young.

Only child or not, your son will be fine. You can focus on him completely and give him a wonderful life, being fully present for him.

Tdcp · 09/02/2023 11:27

DD (8) is an only child. She's the most lovely and well adjusted kid. She has been asked (not by me) if she wanted a sibling and she just looked confused and said no😂. I have felt guilty about it and still do to some extent but I think it's because I grew up with 2 brothers and I always wanted 4 or so kids. I don't have family these days so it's just us and DP, I feel awful about it a lot but she's fine to be totally honestly, it's more my feelings on the issue than hers.

DragonHouse · 09/02/2023 11:28

I’m an only and I love it! I wouldn’t have wanted a sibling and there’s never a guarantee they’ll even get on, let alone be close.

And if your son is 4, you’ve missed the boat really. There are more negatives to having a second with a large age gap like that so the moment has passed anyway.

DarkNurseries · 09/02/2023 11:30

I have an only by choice. I’m not guilty about it. It was a choice I made. I recognise there are pros and cons (for both child and parent/s) to both options, but I made the choice I did because it worked for me.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/02/2023 11:30

Don't feel guilty, OP.

My 17yo is an only child - not through choice, as it happens, but I wouldn't choose to have it any other way now. She has never been lonely and she has never longed for a sibling. She has tons of friends, so doesn't feel the need. I honestly don't feel that she has missed out in the slightest, and none of the only child stereotypes are true. Just do what is right for you and your family. The most important thing for your dc is having a happy mum!

Isheabastard · 09/02/2023 11:30

The only down side to an only is that they don’t have other children on hand 24/7 to play with. Everything else in my view is a win win.

But you get over this by making sure your only has an active and busy social life. It is very much in your power to control.

Even better, ‘the replacement to the sibling’ will be a friend with the same interests and likes.

The will still have the experience of sibling rivalry with school and sports.

You just need to be prepared to be the mum that offers play dates and lifts more than others.

Ref inheritance: my Dd is an adult so this is a standing joke with us all. Who are we going to give our money to - the cats?

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