Immense guilt that I’m choosing for my son to be an only

[Baconandeggys]

I find motherhood extremely difficult (understatement) and always have done since DS was born over 4 years ago.
He’ll be 5 in October and I still find it really hard. He’s possibly ND too, so that adds another layer.

I feel like I should give him a sibling as I’m so sad at the thought of him being lonely growing up. I have a brother and although we don’t talk a huge amount now, I travel to visit when I can and he sometimes comes to us (he lives in another area).
We played together as kids and I remember school holidays being fun as we made up games etc.

I can imagine my son being so lonely and bored during the school holidays, especially the six weeks 😢 his cousins come to visit during school hols, but they usually only stay for a few days.

How can I stop feeling such guilt?

I'm an only child and I don't remember ever being bored or lonely. I enjoy my own company and have no idea what a sibling relationship is like, so I don't miss it. I will have an only child (by choice) and I'm sure he'll be fine too.

You can't give a sibling like a gift. They're a real human with agency who will grow into an adult, and they may or may not get on with the other adult you created. Have another child if you want a bigger family, not because you think your child 'needs' a sibling.

The thing is op - do you want another child? You haven't really said but I'm guessing from your post that you don't. So don't. You shouldn't have another child because you feel guilty. Your son will be fine either way. He won't know any different.

I have a 14 year old boy with autism. I have another 2 children younger than him.

Sometimes I think what would life be like if it were just him, I can't answer it as I don't know.

My 2 younger children can definitely be too much at times for my son. But equally he would be lost without them. My dd wasn't planned. She's 2 years younger than him. I wasn't sure if i wanted anymore kids but she came along anyway and she's amazing.

My 3rd child was planned. DS wasn't thrilled at the idea of having another sibling but he adapted.

One thing I will say about having more children is I'm glad my sen child will (hopefully) have support from his siblings when I'm not able too or I'm not around anymore.

Regardless, please don't have another child over guilt. There has to be apart of you that wants it too.

To be honest you would probably only find something else to feel guilty about. One of the joys of parenting I'm afraid.

I have an only child and he is as others describe, happy, sociable and comfortable in the company of adults.

We're not wealthy. We can afford things like foreign holidays, school trips, music lessons and clubs for one child, but we would struggle to provide for more than one. And yes, everything left at the end of our lives will go to him. It won't be a lot, but he won't have to share it.

There's a book called Parenting your only child which helped me a lot dealing with the guilt - lots of dispelling myths and practical suggestions for mitigating the possible downsides.

And if your son is 4, you’ve missed the boat really. There are more negatives to having a second with a large age gap like that so the moment has passed anyway.

Whilst I think having an only is A ok, I don't think the above is remotely true.

I agree. I know families with big age gaps where it works really well - it gives many of the benefits of siblings and being an only child.

There is no one-size-fits-all "ideal" family configuration. Happy and functional families come in all shapes and sizes!

We decided to stick with one after trying for number 2 without success and unexplained secondary infertility. We could've tried ivf etc but decided not to.

Obviously we don't know any different and nor does our son but our experience is that DS17 has never been bored as he's had to make his own entertainment. He is well adjusted, enjoys his own company but also has a strong network of close friends and has a brother-like cousin who he sees several times a year. All the benefits.

Travelling, meals out, work, childcare and anything social is so straightforward (and cheaper!) and he is great company in any setting.

It works for us.

Just as an aside, we gave ourselves 6 months to consider ivf etc but after only 2 months decided this was going to be our family dynamic. Everything fell into place once we made the decision, and we could then visualise and embrace us as a family of three.

Perhaps give yourselves a few months to sit with it and see how you feel.

I do agree with @FloorWipes a little here. If your main reason for having another child is for your first to have someone to play with a grow up with, you are looking at at least a 5 year age gap now, if not more so the likelihood of them playing together is slim.

Doesn't mean you shouldn't have that kind of age gap of course but just being realistic about the kind of relationship they might have.

I feel guilty for having two (neurodiverse) children who didn’t want to do the same things.

All I’m remember is days out being ruined….like the time we went to London and my eldest was really enjoying the Natural History museum but youngest caused a scene and we had to go. Didn’t make it past the gift shop in the science museum! Or my eldest being in a terrible mood and ruining the whole day for everyone. In the end the only activity they both enjoyed was going for a meal out but they even started arguing about which restaurant we’d go to! (And obviously this was very expensive.)

It’s just a mothers job to feel guilty….although I feel society has drummed this into us to some extent.

Oh I completely disagree. Mine are 14, 12 and 4. The eldest 2 can be a great help with the 4 year old. The 12 year old and 4 year are especially close. She would rather play with her younger brother than do anything else.

Maybe I'm just lucky here but there are absolutely pros to bigger age gaps. The eldest 2 I can take to the cinema and for a meal get quality time with them. I take my 12 year old daughter shopping.

The 4 year old goes to bed and I can sit and watch a film with my 14 year old.

The youngest one I can take to soft play to have time with him.

Equally we can all go to the beach for the day.

I'm not saying we do this every day but I find it so much easier to get quality time with each of them now they are older. The older ones are also more dependent and don't rely on me as much. I don't have to bath all 3 kids and get them dressed. The older 2 tidy up after themselves. Get themselves to and from school. The list goes on.

It can be hard but equally it can be hard having kids in a closer age gap. My eldest are 2 years apart and I 100% struggled more back then with 2 kids under the age of 5 than now having 2 older kids and 1 younger child.

There is no right or wrong. My step daughter is 17 and has a 3 year old brother and 6 month old sister and she absolutely loves it - siblings included.

Presumably he starts school this September. In which case he'll make lots of friends and you can start playdates etc. Siblings don't always get on, esp as adults so don't beat yourself up about it.

I'm an only with low self esteem and who was desperately lonely (although I apparently hid it well). However most of that was circumstantial. We moved house/country every couple of years so constantly starting again with friendships and schools. My parents fought horrendously when they were together and mum couldn't cope when Dad was on deployment. Coming home from school was a lottery to see if my mum hadn't run off again and if she had, I'd be farmed off to one of the squadron wives. I had cousins but we rarely lived in the same country so time together was limited. Plus my mum was a snob and tried to police who I played with, which in military accommodation abroad was tricky.

Most of the unhappy onlies I've met had childhoods which were similar. No stability, being treated as adults in situations which they absolutely shouldn't have, I.e. I was my parents marriage guidance counsellor from a very young age and no one to talk about what happened at home because of shame/stigma.

Essentially being an only is not an issue by itself so there is nothing to feel guilty for.

You say you find motherhood difficult so I’d try and re-frame the decision in your mind: rather than it meaning he doesn’t get a sibling, it means he’s getting the best version of you as a mother, as another child would undoubtedly stretch you further. So many pros and cons up all numbers of children, there’s no magic number.

OP if you find motherhood difficult you’re doing yourself and your son a kindness in sticking to one.

I say that without judgement, a second child broke me mentally and I wasn’t finding things tough. If your child is ND too it would be difficult to balance everyone’s needs even more so.

DS is 40 and an only child. He has never expressed any interest whatsoever in having a sibling.

You worded it much better than me. That was what I was trying to say!

OP, I hear you. We also have a four year old who'll probably remain an only as I'll be 40 next year. My husband is an only child and doesn't want another, he had a great childhood and is still very close to his parents. Whereas I have siblings, but I struggle with anxiety, I PND and PNA and can't face going through it all again. We both worry about what a second child would do to our marriage due to the added pressure on our time and finances. We both do demanding work and need our downtime. I question this decision to remain at one constantly (even though I don't really want another!) and feel guilty about not providing a sibling whereas my husband is resolutely one and done.

What really helps is looking at the positives...

• More time, money and resources for our child and each other.
• More opportunities for our child to go to various classes and for us as a family to travel.
• We don't need to move, our three bed is fine.
• not having to deal with sibling rivalry

I try to get my child out socialising as much as possible, we have regular play dates, we go on holidays with other families with kids and strong bonds with adult family.

Mine was an only, lots of playdates and sleepovers - never lonely.

I decided on one because I can be a decent mother to one but I would not be a great mum to more than one. Thats ok.

Absolutely this.

I have 4 children whom all have only children among their closest friends.

A nicer happier group of children you couldn't meet.

Kind, generous, well adjusted and so loved.

So many people have one sibling that they do not get on with, so there really isn't any guarantee.

Your son is so lucky to have a mother who loves him so much.

Don't spoil and waste this precious time guilting yourself about a very wise and reasonable decision made in your childs best interests.

Enjoy this time.

I do have moments of guilt but I also know not all siblings are close or get on. DH’s siblings are all nice people but they are not close.

Struggling with motherhood, then having number 2 could be hard.

A non-coping mum of two will have far more of a negative impact on a child than him not having a sibling.

This is so important, I feel the same about our decision.

My DM was an only child and says she hated it, yet when she talks about her childhood it sounds like she was always out playing with friends so who knows. Anyway, it meant that she had 2 children to ensure we wouldn’t have lonely childhoods, pushed friendship on us then and continues to do so today. She’s always telling me I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful brother but I barely ever hear from him and he forgets mine/ my DS’s birthday every year 🙄

I have one child and have no plans for another. I also find motherhood very hard and genuinely can’t imagine wanting to go through pregnancy and all the baby/toddler years again.

I personally don’t feel guilty about not providing a sibling, although my DH would have preferred to have another which does make me feel bad…but then he’s not the one who can’t sneeze without peeing himself.

My mother loved me and my sibling, but was ill-equipped as a mum to navigate parenting in a way that helped those two children build a good relationship, or even a civil one for that matter.
Her inadequacies (I say that kindly she just didn't have the tools and personality for the job, partly due to her own poor upbringing, and I love her anyway, she's a good person).
As a result my life was hell and I was suicidal throughout my childhood.
Nothing wrong with knowing your limits. The best childhood you can have is one where all parties can be their best selves and aren't out of their depth. Adding another child into the mix could easily be a big fat negative to the family dynamic and it would be far far worse to regret the actual existence of a child you created than the non existence of a sibling relationship which may or may not ever have come about the way you imagine anyway.
Fill his life with social opportunities as much as you can and be happy.