Immense guilt that I’m choosing for my son to be an only

[Baconandeggys]

I find motherhood extremely difficult (understatement) and always have done since DS was born over 4 years ago.
He’ll be 5 in October and I still find it really hard. He’s possibly ND too, so that adds another layer.

I feel like I should give him a sibling as I’m so sad at the thought of him being lonely growing up. I have a brother and although we don’t talk a huge amount now, I travel to visit when I can and he sometimes comes to us (he lives in another area).
We played together as kids and I remember school holidays being fun as we made up games etc.

I can imagine my son being so lonely and bored during the school holidays, especially the six weeks 😢 his cousins come to visit during school hols, but they usually only stay for a few days.

How can I stop feeling such guilt?

@Dinosauratemydaffodils I hope you’re ok now and has had a chance to work on yourself and has since been able to find fulfilling friendships/relationships

It’s not about the sibling thing. Do you want another child?
I definitely do and am still trying but my boy is now 13 so be a huge gap. I’ve had losses and just turned 44. So time is running out.

I have 2, age 4 and 2. My daughters (4y) 2 best friends are only children. I feel guilty that they seem to do more fun things that they enjoy and experience more than my daughter does. They are able to go on more days out that suit their age and have the full attention of their parents when they are there.
i know it’ll be different as they get older but there are definitely pros and cons to having more

I never played with my sister and we hated each other growing up. Still very much apart, at 33 and 27yo
Your kid will have friends which is 100% better

My daughter is an only for myriad reasons.

I often feel sorry for second-born children. They should only be born if the parents want another child. They are people in their own right, not playmates for the first.

I was the eldest and my parents had my sister so I had a 'playmate'. They were very open about this and it has caused a lot of issues.

I’m an only child and loved it. Never lonely. We travelled a lot during the summer breaks and I had plenty of friends to spend time with but remember always been happy to go back to my own home for some peace and quiet. I’m now very independent and happy in my own company. My husband is the same. Only child and loved it. Only time I wish I had a sibling was as my parents get older it would’ve been nice to share some of the responsibilities with them. I have 2 children and they got along when younger but now as teens they aren’t overly fond of each other and both wish they were only children. One is ND. Just focus on your child having plenty of activities. I did loads as a kid and had so much fun. My childhood was fantastic.

I do remember being lonely in the holidays but that was because I lived a long way away from extended family. Had we lived closer to them, it would have been different, it wasn't because I was an only child.

Anyway, I chose to have an only because I didn't want to go through any more pregnancies or try to juggle a toddler with a small baby. I see totally frazzled mothers and I didn't want to be like that and I'd also come through one pregnancy unscathed and decided to quit while I was ahead. Also my DH was 39 when we had ds and DH thought any older was too old.

The prejudice against only children is really annoying and lazy though. I remember ds getting into trouble at primary school once and the headteacher said it was because he was an only. No, it was because he and another boy both wanted to be King Bees (or something). The other boy wasn't an only child, but that was conveniently ignored.

OP my DH is an only child and has happy memories of his childhood and is a happy, sociable well-adjusted adult! Same for one of my cousins and some of my friends. Don't feel guilty!

I struggle to understand this mindset as my sibling made my teenage years miserable. I see them once a year now because I have to when I visit Mum at Christmas.

Another friend I know has three kids. They argue all the time, two of them hate the third one, there's constant tension in the house.

I've also never been bored in my own company. I have close friends I view as siblings. I have lovely friends who are only children.

People make friends - they aren't doomed to be alone if they don't have siblings.

The only thing a parent should feel 'immense guilt' for is not allowing a child to be their own person not for having an only child ! A child doesn't need siblings imo although that's not to say that often the sibling bond can be wonderful - but at end of day - an individual's character is more important than whether or not they've got siblings .

At my children’s primary school there were many only children. Far far more common than you would think. In fact most of my DD’s close friends were only children. My sibling also only has one child which was a choice they made before they fell pregnant. Always knew they wanted one. I wouldn’t feel guilty about it at all. They will never know any different.

Yes because the second child really wants to know that the real reason they were born was not because mum and dad wanted another child but because the first child won't be lonely😐

This is the fourth thread on single child families I’ve seen this week! And every one seems to have some ignorant comments usually from parents of multiples, haven’t RTFT yet to see if there are any on this one.

But to OP- don’t feel guilty, there will be lots of opportunities for your son he might not have if he were part of a sibling group. You are giving him, amongst other things:

• A more stable, happier mother- the importance of this for a child cannot be overstated and is IMO infinitely more important than a sibling.
• More time to focus on any additional needs he has if he is ND.
• Opportunities to spend time with cousins but once they leave, a peaceful home free of bickering and having to compete with siblings.
• More financial resources to support him in his respect of his needs and interests.

To avoid him being lonely in school holidays can he join kids clubs, sign up to activities, go on play dates/ have play dates at home, meet up with friends who have children, go on day trips, when he’s older maybe bring a friend on holiday? He will also benefit from one to one time with you and his other parent and time together the three of you as a family and occasional time alone is also good.

You're assuming that siblings always get on, OP. My sister and I have never had a close relationship. We did stuff together when we were growing up because we were in the same family and we had to, so I guess we had the benefit of companionship, but once out of primary school she's always been grudging and off with me. All my attempts over the years to be warm and friendly and supportive have been rebuffed. She seems perpetually ready to be angry with me. I'm fond of her because she will always be my little sister. She's the only other person in the world with whom I can talk about our early life and parents and I long to feel a positive connection with her, but it's not reciprocated.

Ah it's a hard one. My little girl is 4.5 and I am currently pregnant with number 2. It took a while for me to decide it is what I wanted as I've not found Motherhood easy either. It's hard not to feel guilt but there will be many perks for him growing up as an only child - more time and attention from his parents, you'll be better of financially and able to provide him with more. He will have friends and there are plenty of activities he can do during school hols so he won't be lonely. By this point the age gap would be too wide for quite a while for a little sibling to provide much entertainment xx

DD16 likes being an only. She's always been quite happy in her own company, but when younger played a lot with the girls over the road (a bit younger so more like a sibling relationship). Playdates are also easier to organise when you only have one, because the after-school diary is less complicated, and you don't have the problem that when DC1 has a friend over, DC2 is a pain. It's easy to invite a friend along for a day out - there's a space in the car and a family ticket may mean it costs little extra.

All sorts of advantages - especially for going out and doing things. If you're at a museum, you can go with your child's wishes without having to compromise with siblings (eg when one is bored and the other really interested). You can go and try things knowing that if they lose interest you can leave without a sibling being upset.

You can also work out whether you can afford something (hobbies, tuition, school ski trip, private school) without having to factor in affording it for all of them.

The only time I felt it was a problem was lockdown, but DD says she's not convinced things would have been much different with a sibling.

The bit we haven't got to yet is the "coping with elderly parents"; we'll try and make that as easy for her as we can. Multiple children doesn't always make that any easier; there's no guarantee that any will be living near enough to be practical help, and there often seems to be friction between siblings when difficult decisions have to be made.

So true. Loads of threads on here about siblings being left to deal with elderly parents alone. The betrayal of that surely more painful than just dealing with it alone cos that's it.
We always imagine the alternative would have been a bed of roses. It's human nature to do that but not accurate.

My DD is very extroverted, the 6 weeks holidays she doesn't spend hardly any time at home. She will go on family holiday for 2 weeks , PGL camp for 1-2 weeks then relatives house with cousins for 1 week. With one child you have the funds to ensure they aren't lonely. My DD loves her PGL camps!!!

That's a good point about dealing with elderly parents as an only. I supported my DF and would have been happy for him to live with us.

My friend has 5 siblings and yet it was just her supporting her elderly father. So having siblings is no guarantee of help.

When I'm elderly I intend to be in supported accomodation. I do sometimes worry about when I've gone but by then hopefully my DS will have his own family and his close friends are more like brothers to him.

I've cousins who are part of a big family and most of them do not see each other. I was amazed when I spent time with them how noisy it was and how much they argued.

My ex was part of a huge family and he said growing up the fights were constant. He absolutely bought into the blood thing though and it was one of the reasons we broke up. The siblings are now scattered around the world and he rarely sees any of them.