Immense guilt that I’m choosing for my son to be an only

[Baconandeggys]

I find motherhood extremely difficult (understatement) and always have done since DS was born over 4 years ago.
He’ll be 5 in October and I still find it really hard. He’s possibly ND too, so that adds another layer.

I feel like I should give him a sibling as I’m so sad at the thought of him being lonely growing up. I have a brother and although we don’t talk a huge amount now, I travel to visit when I can and he sometimes comes to us (he lives in another area).
We played together as kids and I remember school holidays being fun as we made up games etc.

I can imagine my son being so lonely and bored during the school holidays, especially the six weeks 😢 his cousins come to visit during school hols, but they usually only stay for a few days.

How can I stop feeling such guilt?

I always planned to have two, but circumstances - horrendous sickness during pregnancy (no diagnosis, told to 'try harder to drink'), traumatic birth, unrelated health problems a few years later then DS probably being ND, meant it didn't happen.

No guilt for me, though I've often felt DS would have benefitted from a sibling in many ways. Given everything that's happened it would have made life so much more difficult.

Also an only child here! I enjoyed my own company and made very close friends I still have today. There were times I was a bit lonely in early teenage years - my mum wasn't particularly outgoing (no criticism - she worked incredibly hard) and before I could just organise my own social life there was probably a bit more isolation than some with siblings. But then plenty of my friends hated having their sibling there disrupting things and would have preferred to be alone so you never know what you're going to get! Overall I honestly would not change a thing about my childhood - I've grown up happy and sociable and am content with my life.

I've also made the decision to just have one, so I've put my money where my mouth is! (We're quite a lot more social than my parents so hopefully DS will have the best of both worlds).

I'm an only, had a very happy childhood, had a great relationship with my parents and have always been the first to share 😉 (so many people seem to assume we don't know how to share or sympathise, mental!)

I had waves of this kind of guilt when my DS was young @Baconandeggys but I now see the pros much more than the cons now.

It is easy to imagine perfect or at least good sibling relationship when it is imaginary - the reality is often very different. It certainly was for DH.

My DS wasn't lonely - we had the time and money [as a result of him being an only] ensure his holidays, evenings and weekends had plenty of social activities. Lots of playdates, trips out with a friend and clubs. He is a young adult now and is particularly good at making friends and striking up conversations with people of all ages - very gregarious. I don't particularly think that is because he is an only - probably just his natural personality, but certainly being an only hasn't turned him into some kind of selfish, lonely person who can't share.

DS asked about having a sibling a few times, he also said he was pleased he didn't have one a few times too and commented that some of his friends were jealous that he didn't. I'm sure there were times that he was jealous that they did...I think he is perfectly content not to have a sibling now. Probably helps that his GF doesn't get on with her brother at all! I'm hoping that he has learnt to focus on the positives of any situation rather than wallow in the negatives.

I love the freedom that not having to 'keep things fair' brings.

I wasn’t sure whether to have one or two. Then i had twins. They wind each other up constantly. Compete about everything. I can say for sure life would be much calmer with just one!

My mum has had more children then she can cope with. I admire her to a degree but I also wouldn't want her life. She is stressed all the time, never has any free time, will now be seeing teenagers through school into her 60s. There is resentment from her older children who get asked to babysit all the time whilst she has no time to help out said older children with their kids (her grandchildren).

My advice to anyone is do not have more children then you honestly feel you can handle. That is more unfair than not 'giving' your child a sibling.

I've had two (one wasn't really planned, I was breastfeeding and decided I would probably be a better mum to just one, went to my coil fitting - already pregnant with my son!) and it's challenging. I love them dearly but they fight, not all the time, but it is draining. They go to different school/nursery. The organization level to keep everything ticking is constant. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change it now but I think you really need to want another child.

It sounds harsh but a second shouldn't be brought into the world as a potential plaything for the first.

Agreed. We had a second because we(especially me) really wanted one- not to give DS1 a sibling. He was an only for almost 8 years. He was always great at making friends on holiday etc, always had other kids to play with. Got on great with cousins. I would not have had a second just to give him a sibling. You have to want one yourself.

My dd is an only. I did feel soo bad about it, but I hated being pg and I hated being a mother - though I couldn't bring myself to consider regrets as that seemed akin to wishing dd out of existence and I really really didn't want that. But the idea of doing it all again - no, just no. Dh would have had another except we simply didn't really have enough money to look after two as we would wish to (already had to make compromises over how we fed, clothed etc dd), so when dd was about 4, I had my tubes tied.

Yes, I have sometimes felt sad that she didn't have a ready made confidante or playmate, and dd's a 'born rescuer' and immensely kind, so I didn't think bad sibling rivalry would have been a problem.

OTOH, we could afford to buy her slightly nicer presents and books and spoil her a little.

I am immensely proud of her, she's 23 now and looking back, I am certain we made the right decision.

I have no regrets.

Think of the advantages to having one! And there are many. DD is an only and we are able to provide her with a live that would have been much harder if not impossible with two. She asked about a sibling when she was about 3 or 4, because a lot of friends had younger siblings arriving then, but since then, and she's now 12, I think she's very aware that there are many things that are brilliant as an only. She can pick whichever friend she wants to come for a day out or on holiday with us, we can pretty much always say yes to things like having friends over, sleepovers, etc. And we can support her fully in her sport/hobby that she does competitively (driving her subs to comps, being able to afford it etc.).

It's perfectly OK to make this choice, and for many families it's the right choice. The stigma of one child families is hopefully disappearing... in DD's y6 leavers cohort, about 1/3 were onlies.

www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20230110-only-child-or-siblings-one-and-done

I had a second because I wanted two children and felt I could handle that. Not to create a playmate.
In fact after my own experience I was expecting a nightmare and feared what I was inflicting on my first (but hoped I could parent better than my parents managed).
Turns out my own terrible sibling relationship and the bad parenting of that dynamic was a matter class in how not to do it, so I managed to create harmony helped a lot by the compatible personalities of my DC... I feel like I dodged a bullet because it was a gamble. Siblings are a gamble in terms of what they mean to your first child.

DS is an only, but by circumstance, not choice. It worked out very well for us, returning to work was easy for me, as was getting childcare sorted.
DS had his parents to himself, we were a tight unit. Family holidays, outings, hobbies etc were always affordable, with two incomes and one child.
Like many people we had to come to terms with not having a wanted second child while others can make that choice for themselves and their family. I don't feel envious about that, it's a hard decision and the issue of guilt can also come into play.
However I don't see that you have anything to feel guilty about, there are many advantages to having, or indeed being, a singleton. I'm sure you've considered them as part of your choice. If it's right for you then it's the right choice.

Nothing wrong with having an only loads of onlies as adults are confident and thriving so don't feel guilty. However what I think is actually more important than the 'company' element is allowing him to be his own person. This is the greatest gift you can give a child. Yes, a lot of siblings can be a great source of support through life and that's a blessing - however - at the end of the day I think one's character is more important than whether or not you've got siblings! I mean - even in the absence of any jealousy or fall outs - there are some siblings who do drift apart as they get older and more into their 'current' life - - and sometimes the other person even with a sibling is left on a day to day basis to feel like an only!

By the way allowing them to be their own person I feel is equally important for those having say 5 kids as it is for those having an only. This and plenty of emotional support are literally the most important gifts a parent can give.

You have to think of what works for you as a mother in regards to your physical and mental health. If a previous pregnancy was tough either physical or mentally I would not have another pregnancy.
As you get older you have a higher chance of having a child with special needs or autism and that has a major effect on the whole family.
You also have to consider the costs of bringing up a child and being under stress money wise to have a 2nd child is not fair on you, your DH and the child you already have. As children get older the costs go up and you have to consider the cost of education as well.
In regards to siblings their is no guarantee that they will get on as children. I know adult siblings that hardly see or hear from each other as adults.

I think before you have kids you have this idea of what it going to be like but the reality of having a child can end up be far different. You have to do what works for you and your family. Some people could say something about having a 2nd child but they have no idea of the reality for you or your family if this was to happen.

Rather than thinking I should have another child I focus on the life you currently have and work towards making the best of it as a family. When your child starts school they will meet other kids and make friends. As they get older they will get involved in things like sport ect.
You can have the funds their to support their interests like music, give them a good education and do some travel as they get older.

If it's any consolation OP I'm an only and so we're both my parents. The worst thing by a mile about my childhood is not loneliness during the school holidays or at any other time but my mum trying to force friendships on me. It made me feel uncomfortable and knocked my confidence to smithereens.

I'm an only child and I can honestly say I have never missed having siblings, cause I have never had them. I'm extremely confident, outgoing, have a massive group of friends even at 55 . I mean 'sister' like friendships, I guess I could call them. On the other hand many of my friends have siblings who they 1. Never talk to 2. They have a huge amount of conflict and jealousy with.
Please do not feel guilty, it really isn't a massive deal for Only children.

A lot of people don’t get on with their siblings. Having a sibling for your older child is the worst reason to have another child because that relationship isn’t guaranteed.

The inheritance point is a good one. A lot of fallings out happen over inheritance, if there are no siblings then there’s nobody to fall out with. My BIL will be expecting 50% of the inheritance when in-laws die but won’t be willing to fund 50% of the care of they need that. DD is probably going to be an only and we will tell her that our savings and house is for our care if we need it. She can have the inheritance but she’ll need to do the care for us or she can get someone else to care for us but that’ll eat into the inheritance. If she is an only then she doesn’t have to have that argument with someone who wants the money but doesn’t want to do the work.

I'm an only, and considering leaving my son as an only (although it's still early days!). Lots of good points made above.
I don't remember ever asking for a sibling and was quite happy entertaining myself around the clubs and play dates I had as a child. My parents were careful to not spoil me and I get a lot of (bizarre) comments that people didn't think I was an only!
I sometimes worry about the challenges of supporting my dad as he gets older, but having a sibling is no guarantee of support with that - my Mum ended up doing the bulk of care for my grandfather (her father in law), and my dad has 3 other siblings!

You should have more children because you want them and it's right for your family, not because of some benefits for your son that aren't guaranteed!

I have an only dd11. Would've liked more but it never happened. I am so happy with our family. Dd is a happy, confident, loving child who is actually fantastic with young children and babies (she's a reception buddy in school). She went through a period when she was 4/5 of saying she wanted a sister but it passed. I think it's important to provide lots of opportunities to socialise. I've always had an open house for play dates/ friends over. She has cousins of similar age which helps so we holiday with them.

We can give dd a great life. We've lots of time and money to support her. Often driving around the county taking her to sporting competitions which take up whole weekends. Prob be difficult with another child with different interests. The past year she's said she's glad she doesn't have siblings. 3 of her friends have younger brothers and 2 have told her they wish they were an only child! You can't please everyone!

Consider the situation OP if you had a sibling for your son and the sibling when he/she was 18 the sibling decides to move half way round the world for a career opportunity. Yes - your son has a sibling and they may get on very well but as he'd live so far away although they can Skype etc your eldest's adulthood won't be quite what he expected as he won't have the sibling for near practical support when he needed it, for instance. He'd still likely have a good adulthood of course but now same as he may have expected with sibling living near

Not** same

In some ways I've experienced both ends of this situation - I'm the youngest child of a large (more than 10!) family but I came along much later than any of my siblings (12 years after the closest to me).

So whilst I do have lots of siblings, I grew up more like an only child. I have pretty good relationships with a couple of my siblings but I think when you get into our kind of numbers, you're bound to have some you like, some you don't. Law of averages. I don't ever recall being bored - I think it's more a personality thing whether siblings enjoy each other or would rather be an only child TBF.

I'm not the OP but some of these responses are reassuring, I'm going through this at the moment with DD5. she's asking for a sister, I can't give her a sibling and the guilt is so painful. We take care to give her a good amount of activities, accept all parties and play dates. she seems popular and confident at school and she does a variety of things in the longer holidays.

I have two sisters and we aren't close, I was glad of them when was young as we moved a lot. As adults they have their own issues and when it comes to it, it will be me that sorts out any practicalities with our parent.

I would add, DD asks for a dog just as often, we can probably manage that

This. The truth is there are some potential downsides but that's true of having a sibling also.