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Original poster

Immense guilt that I’m choosing for my son to be an only

119 replies

Baconandeggys · 09/02/2023 10:56

I find motherhood extremely difficult (understatement) and always have done since DS was born over 4 years ago.
He’ll be 5 in October and I still find it really hard. He’s possibly ND too, so that adds another layer.

I feel like I should give him a sibling as I’m so sad at the thought of him being lonely growing up. I have a brother and although we don’t talk a huge amount now, I travel to visit when I can and he sometimes comes to us (he lives in another area).
We played together as kids and I remember school holidays being fun as we made up games etc.

I can imagine my son being so lonely and bored during the school holidays, especially the six weeks 😢 his cousins come to visit during school hols, but they usually only stay for a few days.

How can I stop feeling such guilt?

OP posts:
SleeplessInEngland · 09/02/2023 15:20

I have a brother and although we don’t talk a huge amount now

This alone should show you how inconsequential siblings are for whether you'll be lonely or not.

SleeplessInEngland · 09/02/2023 15:22

And if your son is 4, you’ve missed the boat really.

This, on the other hand, is patently nonsense.

mybunniesandme · 09/02/2023 15:23

follyfoot37 · 09/02/2023 11:18

don't feel guilty!
Only children tend to be confident, able to speak to adults (as they spend more time with them), and usually the first to make friends and look out for others.
They also tend to like their own company and are creative

Absolutely not my experience of only children who are now adults

afaloren · 09/02/2023 15:23

Only child here and loved it. Rather than being lonely and spoiled I think it made me independent and self-sufficient!

SleeplessInEngland · 09/02/2023 15:29

I doubt sibling status makes any material difference to someone's personality over a hundred other variables growing up.

Most people who have siblings are probably on balance glad they do, but that's about it.

LifeExperience · 09/02/2023 15:32

As someone who was raised with a mentally ill sibling, I would have loved being an only child. Don't assume that a sibling is always a wonderful gift to the existing child.

Shunkleisshiny · 09/02/2023 15:36

We chose just to have one child, DH and I are both from large families and we wanted to give DS the attention and material things we never had.
DS has grown into a confident outgoing man, with a whole network of friends one of them he met on the first day of infants. I asked him if he ever wanted a sibling, and he said 'No way, I had a great childhood, wouldn't change a thing'

MereDintofPandiculation · 09/02/2023 15:38

FloorWipes · 09/02/2023 11:15

I'm in this club. But also I grew up as an only child and I don't recall being lonely or bored during the holidays at all!

Same here. And most of my adult friends have said how jealous they are of my ability to amuse myself.

Now I’ve moved into another stage of life, I’m so glad care of my elderly father isn’t hampered by rows with siblings.

Incidentally, my cousin came to stay for a week every second summer. I hated it. But not as much as the years when I had to stay with her and her family.

Lollyloup91 · 09/02/2023 15:44

I have to agree with previous posters, siblings aren't always a wonderful thing.
I think people who have more than 1 kid sometimes like to pretend they are!

Growing up my sister has always been a difficult character in my life. When we were younger she was unpleasant to me at school and now we're adults she makes everything a competition. I think I would've preferred being an only child.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 09/02/2023 15:52

It's great having one imo.
Ds is nearly 9 and doesn't miss out,he has lots of friends

neverbeenskiing · 09/02/2023 15:53

And if your son is 4, you’ve missed the boat really. There are more negatives to having a second with a large age gap like that so the moment has passed anyway.

No one should feel pressured to have more DC than they want, for any reason, but I don't agree with this at all. There is a 4.5 year gap between my two and that was absolutely the best thing for our family, for many reasons. Maybe it doesn't work so well for others, but I think it's wrong to make sweeping generalisations when every family is so different.

OP, like you I have found Motherhood very challenging at times. Our eldest has Autism but was not diagnosed until she was 8 years old. Looking back, so many challenges that I put down to me probably being a shit mum, or not coping as well as others seemed to be, were due to that fact that (unbeknownst to us at the time) we were parenting a child with SEND. Life did start to get easier though once DD was in pre-school full time. We decided, after much debate, to have a second child and DS was born just after DD started Reception.

I will be honest, I found going from one DC to two difficult. It's true what they say about it being more than twice the work, for the first couple of years anyway. But DD and DS adore each other and on balance, for us it was definitely the right decision to have a second child. Youngest is 4 now and life is getting easier and more fun again. That said, we have family locally who are very supportive, I have been able to work PT term time only, and both DH and I have some flexibility to work from home on occasion if we need to. If it weren't for those things, I might well have made a different choice. I am an only child who has never once wished for a sibling or felt I was missing out, so I know if we'd decided not to have anymore DC our DD would have been totally fine.

cornishcrusader · 09/02/2023 16:46

I had a wonderful childhood and young adulthood as an only child. Never lonely at all. Everything was great!

However, as I got older and my parents got older and sicker themselves, it was very difficult not to have anyone to share things with. For instance I felt I needed to visit the care home every day as there was no one else to visit (other extended family had already passed away). Since they have both died I have felt a loneliness knowing I have no one in the world I am genetically connected to. I feel a genetic freak - there's only me left. There is no one who knew me as a child, no one I can do the "do you remembers" with, no one to ask anything about the past too.

This is probably compounded by not able to have my only children genetically (although adopted a sibling group and now* *am blessed with grandchildren). I am also a foster carer so have a busy household. But I see everyone around me has some genetic family, and I do feel isolated due to this. But I would never blame my parents for this who gave me everything in the years they were alive.

follyfoot37 · 09/02/2023 18:29

mybunniesandme · 09/02/2023 15:23

Absolutely not my experience of only children who are now adults

Show quote history

Gosh! Interesting. How do you find them?
Curious as i am only child, and my experiences of oc is as i described!

amidsummernightsdream · 09/02/2023 18:35

As a mum of 1 dd, for similar reasons, I just dont understand this. There are pros and cons whatever you do and you are making the best decision for you and your family and that will benefit your existing child more than anything.
Stop focusing on the negatives and be happy you have made a positive decision.
The reality is you have no idea if a hypothetical future with a sibling would be better at all, so stop being hung up on it.

user1471538283 · 09/02/2023 18:40

I'm an only and my DS is an only. I was never lonely because you make friends when it's just you and I value my alone time. I think it made me resilient.

My DS made lots of really good friends, had sleepovers, we did lots of stuff together and he values his alone time. He is confident and well rounded.

Having siblings is no guarantee of closeness.

WarmSausageTea · 09/02/2023 18:59

Another only here, and totally fine with it. I was always happy to keep myself amused, and it’s made me quite self-sufficient in many ways. It does mean that looking out for my elderly parent is largely on me, but again, I’m fine with that; I had a happy childhood, and have had decades of unwavering love and support, so this is my time to be the mainstay.

The one thing being an only skewed is how I saw siblings. Because I was from a small family all round, I had an idealised view of siblings, and always believed they would be a Good Thing. As an adult, I realise that is horse-shit, but I grew up with the Waltons and Little House on the Prairie, so I totally bought into the ‘blood is thicker than water’ narrative. As an adult, I know more people who have a strained relationship with a sibling than people who don’t.

Goodadvice1980 · 09/02/2023 19:03

Only child & love it 👍

Favouritefruits · 09/02/2023 19:04

You could look at it the other way around, you ‘give’ your son a sibling now he has to share your attention, treats need to be shared equally, he has to share his parents and doesn’t get them all to himself, days out need to suit everyone….. being an only has its benefits too, I have a brother and I have two children but could imagine it’s much easier with just 1 no fighting for a start!

Favouritefruits · 09/02/2023 19:07

My friend was an only child, her parents wanted a second child but didn’t know if they could afford it, they did the sums and decided if they cut their cloth they could just about manage 1 more child…. She ended up pregnant with triplets! My friend just remembers being palmed off on other people all the time and felt sad she didn’t have her mum and dad all to herself anymore. My friend would of loved to be an only.

userxx · 09/02/2023 19:07

Goodadvice1980 · 09/02/2023 19:03

Only child & love it 👍

Snap 👍

OP, you're massively overthinking this. Only children do spectacularly well on their own.

AnyOldThings · 09/02/2023 19:08

@Baconandeggys Honestly these threads make me so sad.

I’m an only and was thoroughly happy. Never lonely, I feel peace in solitude. I never wanted a sibling.

DD is an only and tells me she loves it. Her friends with siblings all fight and bicker. Most of my friends with siblings are not close. My DH is an identical twin and mostly avoids his twin as he irritates him!

There is no guarantee with onlys versus siblings. Both can be great. Both can be bad.

Just live your life as you need to and let optimism in a little. Me and my only DD both thoroughly enjoy it.

SnoozyLucy7 · 09/02/2023 19:12

WarmSausageTea · 09/02/2023 18:59

Another only here, and totally fine with it. I was always happy to keep myself amused, and it’s made me quite self-sufficient in many ways. It does mean that looking out for my elderly parent is largely on me, but again, I’m fine with that; I had a happy childhood, and have had decades of unwavering love and support, so this is my time to be the mainstay.

The one thing being an only skewed is how I saw siblings. Because I was from a small family all round, I had an idealised view of siblings, and always believed they would be a Good Thing. As an adult, I realise that is horse-shit, but I grew up with the Waltons and Little House on the Prairie, so I totally bought into the ‘blood is thicker than water’ narrative. As an adult, I know more people who have a strained relationship with a sibling than people who don’t.

Agree completely. The “blood is thicker than water” mantra is so often, a get out card for some atrocious and insidious behaviour, within families, that “you must forgive, and forget, because we are family!”. And this how how so much abusive and toxic behaviour is ignored, which subsequently contributes to generational trauma. Such nonsense!

EyesOnThePies · 09/02/2023 19:14

Make sure you are ready to provide company that your Ds asks for. If he makes lots of friends and wants to go on play dates, facilitate this, and make your house as open house as possible for visiting friends. Be prepared to take friends on holiday from time to time. If your Ds wants. He may not.

No reason to feel guilty at all!

Celebrate your wonderful Enfant Unique!

BobGalaxy · 09/02/2023 19:16

OP, coming from a fellow parent of a ND child, who struggles with being a parent - I think you should consider the possibility of a sibling being ND too and how you would cope with two if that were the case. My DS is 12 now, and although life is easier in many respects, teenage years are looming large and I can see how difficult it's going to be. I'm just glad I only have to go through it once and don't have to worry about balancing a siblings needs.

Mumtumtastic · 09/02/2023 19:47

Loads of great points on here, every family is different and have their unique dynamics (good points about extended families and social interactions and relationships extend beyond the immediate unit to the wider family group with aunts/uncles/cousins/ grandparents etc) there is absolutely nothing wrong in having an only, just as there is nothing wrong with having more. Getting the balance right for you and your family is the important thing.

One thing I would add though is that it isn’t necessarily more stressful with two or more DC. It depends on the DC and how they get on. I found initially having second baby was more work but now they are a toddler and can play happily with older sib for good stretches of time (once fed, haha!) which takes pressure off me to provide all the entertainment/ fun (for a while anyway!)