To feel this isn't DD's fault

[bluefrontdoorr]

DD16 is in year 11 and doing her GCSE's this year. Results come out on 24 August. Her Dad has text me and said he's decided to book a holiday which includes DD. Great. When I asked what date, he said 24 August and they fly at 6:30am. DD16 has always said that she wants to pick her GCSE results up from the school in the morning with her friends and then spend the day (hopefully) celebrating. I said that means she wouldn't be able to go on holiday with her Dad and she has said she's sad about it but doesn't want to miss collecting her results etc.

I've spoken to her Dad about it and he has hit the roof (I'm assuming because he's paid for her already). He said I need to make DD16 go with them and have her results posted for when she gets back from the holiday.

AIBU in thinking this isn't DD16's fault, he should have checked what dates the results were coming out before booking the holiday, and she can miss it if she wants to?

Depends on the school, maybe.

My dd hung around in school for ages on that day. It was a lovely, celebratory atmosphere but also very supportive and sensitive to those who were disappointed. Most of the teachers had come in to see the kids get their results. The school provided drinks and biscuits. Parents stood around chatting while the kids hugged each other lots and took endless selfies. I think dd would have been sad to have missed out.

I’m sorry, I don’t see the relevance?

I just remembered my results day and my German teacher saying "how the hell did you manage that?!"

Worth going into school just for that memory alone

Yup, 1998 here. Def coordinated times with friends to go together. My parents wer at work, wouldn't have occurred to them to book time off

Because I didn't have a bias jerk like you marking my papers!!

She'd actually given me decent grades for my oral assessments @cstaff - I think she just expected me to flunk the written stuff because I didn't care much, but luckily had a bit of a natural knack.

I wouldn’t dream of booking a holiday with my 16 year old without having a chat about dates first.

The summer after GCSEs is usually full of plans.

What a thoughtless twat

GCSE's are everything at that age! You spend 2 - in some schools 3 - years focussed on them, then have a super stressful month sitting 30 exams... of course the results matter.
your ex as messed this one up and if dd doesn't want to he'll have to accept that

She also needs to register for college/sixth form either on results day or the day after. My DCs were in a feeder school for a sixth form so had to collect their results, which they did in person with their mates, and then go to the registration table in the hall which was staffed by the sixth form. They showed their result sheet, confirmed their subject choices and place.

Any student not in the feeder schools had to queue the next day to register.

Both of mine enjoyed seeing their teachers who were loving sharing the successes of students because they really cared about them.

Emailing them out was never an option, it was collect in person. Dc2 collected theirs last year, Dc1 a few years before. They also want them in person in case they need to rethink their A level choice if they miss the required grade as happened to Dc's mate on the day.

I missed collecting my GCSE because of a holiday and I really hate that that happened. It was due to my Dad's holiday entitlement so it was go on an incredible holiday or stay home alone for 2 weeks at just turned 16.

My kids’ school give them the option of going in as well as emailing. The kids decide how they want to get the results. Which is as it should be. For some kids they feel publicly humiliated by going in if they have not done well. Anyway, A Levels seemed a bigger deal for my kids than GCSEs.

Planning family holidays around inter-railing, festivals, results day, results day rave at the Ministry of Sound, university start dates etc etc is really annoying. Especially as they don’t want to miss out on a free family holiday somewhere hot. But we suck it up because they are teens, and after a hideous stressful exam period, they absolutely deserve it. What kind of parent doesn’t discuss it with their child first??

At 16 it’s up to her and it’s unfair of dad to put pressure on her.
If she wants to collect & celebrate she should. Plus if she needs certain grades for yr12 being there is easier if she needs to sort another option if results aren’t what she needs.
We were away for DDs last year. But she wanted to be away. They were allowed in to pick up for 5 mins only so no at school celebrations. Her friends were away or not celebrating. She was staying at same school for yr 12 and I had no concerns re needing a plan B. We were up at 3am. She had to ring school they wouldn’t email (needed to let exam officer know in advance we were away) Got results. Finalised yr 12 registration by email and went back to bed! She has no regrets.

He probably has. It's not easy or cheap to change a holiday booking. He may also be restricted on times with work ?

At my school only about half come in to collect them. They are sent online anyway. They just come in to boast so it's only the high achievers that do come in usually or those with a query

Your DH is an idiot if he thinks you can force a 16 year old to do anything she doesn't want to do.

Sounds like the only option is to rebook the holiday or to book for, say, you to take your daughter out there the next day. Expensive, but maybe that way he will learn the benefits of checking with you and DD first.

I accidentally booked a holiday when my daughters results came out, as soon as I realized I immediately changed the booking but if I couldn’t I would have come back early or not gone. For some kids this is a huge and important day for them and thereby should not be missed. Lots of celebrating goes on and it’s a special time for them. Her father should really be dealing with this and in a more sympathetic manner and she definitely shouldn’t be forced to go.

I missed my results day because my father took me on holiday that week. It is a huge regret of mine. I was anxious all holiday about what I was going to get and if I had the grades for college. When I got home, they hadn't been posted and the school was closed. It was a very hard few weeks desperately trying to find out my grades from a school with no staff in it. And I didn't get to celebrate with my friends or have that special time. He can book another week. Please don't have your daughter miss this time.

You ex is a twat.

He can cough up the fees to change the dates since he did thing without consulting anyone at all.

Of course your DD should go in person to pick up the results and celebrate with her friends! It will be a once in a lifetime memorable experience.

It's his own fault for forgetting/not considering results day. Just tell him to change the flights to the evening or better still the following day otherwise she won't be coming. End of conversation.

Shouldn't be anything to do with you, other than if your daughter asks you for advice on how to negotiate this with her dad.

At 16 she's old enough to realise, and to decide how to compromise and prioritise, and to discuss it with her dad.

I guess the 'is my DD responsible?' question depends on how much she discussed it with her dad beforehand - I totally agree he should have been actively engaged in knowing when results day is, but, by a similar token, I'd expect a 16 year old to know as well.

Aw your poor DD.

Some schools also enrol their 6th Formers on that day too, so please check.

For my DC last year it was a huge thing - results, 6th form enrolment, celebrate with friends and then off to Reading the next day.

Surely your daughter needs to be available that week to enrol in sixth form or college after her results come in? Schools can make special arrangements for those on holiday but it is far from ideal and causes problems if results are not as good as hoped.

No he didn't check dates with me or DD before booking (not the first time he's done this either!).

We had family who pulled this stunt well into our late 20s - only thing to do is to do broken record "we are doing x then" and do x.

They do now check - because it started to inconvenience them and we got less and less accommodating- running round trying to find compromises or fix things rather than just saying no.

She is busy that day - getting results and dealing with admin for next steps and had told him this.

It was well publicized date he should have known she'd be busy round and he should have checked before booking.

I don't think DD had done anything wrong and she can miss this holiday for any reason if she chooses to. He can either change dates after talking with DD or not have her go with him.

Gimmer here..
We were I think about the 4th year to sit the 'new' GCSE and I still remember us all meeting up at the school gates and going in to collect results. We all then jumped on the bus and went up into town for the day (I probably bought more records to celebrate!) On the other hand, I didn't go to my graduation in my 30's, because by that point of my life I really didn't want the attention, let alone the cap and gown.

We're all different aren't we and capable of changing over time. What we embraced at 16 can horrify us at 30.

He's not checked the dates, his mistake to own. It's a way off but I hope she gets everything she's expecting and has a wonderful day celebrating!

The kids go I to our private school.

But actually this is irrelevant. As us what your children do, or anyone else's children. This girl wants to go in. It is important to her. Her father should respect that.

One of my vivid memories is collecting my GCSE results in the staff room early 1990s. It was slips of paper handed out. Maybe they would have posted but everyone went in.
I’d had a recurring dream in run up that maths teacher (I hated) gave me results but they were in maths problem gibberish and I woke up shouting at her just tell me if I’ve passed my maths. On the day it was her of all people who gave me envelope. I looked at my results all A and a B in maths and said I’ve passed my maths. She said something like you should be very proud of those results. I didn’t care I was just ecstatic I didn’t need to do maths ever again! (6th form made you re sit if you didn’t have a C - my friend had to go to a Poly despite A grade A levels as the Unis wanted a C in maths no matter what the course)