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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this isn't DD's fault

377 replies

bluefrontdoorr · 09/02/2023 08:51

DD16 is in year 11 and doing her GCSE's this year. Results come out on 24 August. Her Dad has text me and said he's decided to book a holiday which includes DD. Great. When I asked what date, he said 24 August and they fly at 6:30am. DD16 has always said that she wants to pick her GCSE results up from the school in the morning with her friends and then spend the day (hopefully) celebrating. I said that means she wouldn't be able to go on holiday with her Dad and she has said she's sad about it but doesn't want to miss collecting her results etc.

I've spoken to her Dad about it and he has hit the roof (I'm assuming because he's paid for her already). He said I need to make DD16 go with them and have her results posted for when she gets back from the holiday.

AIBU in thinking this isn't DD16's fault, he should have checked what dates the results were coming out before booking the holiday, and she can miss it if she wants to?

OP posts:
Bunnyannesummers · 09/02/2023 13:12

Aside from the fact he should have checked she needs to be there in case anything isn’t as expected and she needs to sort out her next steps.

Sartre · 09/02/2023 13:14

He can chat to her about it, she’s 16 so he doesn’t have to go through you anymore. At 16 she’s also free to make her own choice here, she doesn’t have to go on holiday if she’d prefer to do this.

Sartre · 09/02/2023 13:15

Also should have said that before booking it, he should have checked that the dates were ok so it’s his own fault.

Whatislove82 · 09/02/2023 13:20

maddy68 · 09/02/2023 11:49

He probably has. It's not easy or cheap to change a holiday booking. He may also be restricted on times with work ?

At my school only about half come in to collect them. They are sent online anyway. They just come in to boast so it's only the high achievers that do come in usually or those with a query

Show quote history

He probably has… what? Spoken to her about dates before booking?

doesn’t look like it 😐

Whatislove82 · 09/02/2023 13:21

At my school only about half come in to collect them. They are sent online anyway. They just come in to boast so it's only the high achievers that do come in usually or those with a query

@maddy68

are you a teacher? Seems a shame for a teacher to regard pupils wanting to celebrate hard work as “boasting”

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/02/2023 13:22

The more I think about this, the more bizarre it is to me that a parent would book an overseas trip for a 16yo without consulting them first. For a toddler who wouldn't have any plans of their own, maybe, but a 16yo is almost an adult! I can't fathom why anyone would think this was a reasonable thing to do!

Whatislove82 · 09/02/2023 13:25

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/02/2023 13:22

The more I think about this, the more bizarre it is to me that a parent would book an overseas trip for a 16yo without consulting them first. For a toddler who wouldn't have any plans of their own, maybe, but a 16yo is almost an adult! I can't fathom why anyone would think this was a reasonable thing to do!

The type of dictatorial parent who tries to assert authority over the 16 year old with the “my way or the highway” school of parenting

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/02/2023 13:28

Whatislove82 · 09/02/2023 13:25

The type of dictatorial parent who tries to assert authority over the 16 year old with the “my way or the highway” school of parenting

Show quote history

I guess so... totally alien to me!

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 09/02/2023 13:39

@bluefrontdoorr
Oh well he's an idiot for not checking first
What moron books without refund a holiday without checking dates first with his child's mum and the teenager herself??!! Does he even remember his daughter is doing GCSEs?

It's a right of passage to go collect your results from school nervously with your friends. To be there together with your friends to celebrate or commiserate... she's been working towards this for 3+ years... and your eXDH thinks a piddly holiday abroad with dad is more important? 🙈

She won't relax on holiday not knowing her results.
If she doesn't get grades she needs, she would need to contact colleges or make arrangements Quickly - not be away and unable to do that.

He's being ridiculous getting angry as it's at himself he should be angry. He's doubly down making it worse by trying to make you force her to go...! She won't forgive him for trying to take this away from her. And I expect you're unimpressed. He may find DD doesn't want to visit him much if he drones on about it

Original poster
bluefrontdoorr · 09/02/2023 13:41

@maddy68 He didn't speak to DD before booking the holiday. He's also not restricted with time off from work.

OP posts:
BurntOutGirl · 09/02/2023 13:57

Don't engage with him it's his balls up so he needs to fix it.

I really hope he doesn't guilt trip DD into going

rookiemere · 09/02/2023 14:09

Interesting how this thread has turned into some sort of state versus private discussion.

Critical point is OPs DD wants to be there in person on results day and her DF booked a holiday on the same day without checking with her.

Not surprised DD has stopped responding to him. What is there to say once she has said No ?

OP I'd totally support your DD and tell her DF to stop harassing her. She has accepted the consequences of not going on the holiday so it's on the actual adult to own his mistake and do the same.

Hankunamatata · 09/02/2023 14:57

Well I'd suggest to ex he pushes his flight a day later too and he can fly out with dd.

maddy68 · 09/02/2023 15:09

Whatislove82 · 09/02/2023 13:21

At my school only about half come in to collect them. They are sent online anyway. They just come in to boast so it's only the high achievers that do come in usually or those with a query

@maddy68

are you a teacher? Seems a shame for a teacher to regard pupils wanting to celebrate hard work as “boasting”

Yes I am.

It's just a social occasion to see their mates largely unless they have a query

ZeroFuchsGiven · 09/02/2023 15:21

maddy68 · 09/02/2023 15:09

Yes I am.

It's just a social occasion to see their mates largely unless they have a query

Show quote history

Im so pleased my kids never had Teachers like you, Their teachers were great, very supportive before and after the results. They were on hand to help those struggling, praise those who deserved praise regardless of their results and were there to advise on next options. Most of them looked actually happy to be there, there is obviously some pride in them too to see their students do well.

I dont think they looked at it as a 'social occasion' where kids just turn up to boast at all.

I have a feeling you probably are not a teacher though, probably work in admin at the school or possibly cleaner or dinner lady to have that sort of attitude.

luckylavender · 09/02/2023 15:25

BellaJuno · 09/02/2023 09:26

Her dad is in the wrong, help her stick to her guns. For many kids, collecting GCSE results in school is a milestone for them and mine wouldn’t have wanted to miss it.

This

Whatislove82 · 09/02/2023 15:50

maddy68 · 09/02/2023 15:09

Yes I am.

It's just a social occasion to see their mates largely unless they have a query

Show quote history

What a shame

let me guess… you don’t enjoy teaching and counting down the days until you retire?

Whatislove82 · 09/02/2023 15:51

maddy68 · 09/02/2023 15:09

Yes I am.

It's just a social occasion to see their mates largely unless they have a query

Show quote history

So it’s “just” social occasion to see their mates and according to your other post - an opportunity for the high achievers to boast.

what a depressing way to view it as such

Sunshine275 · 09/02/2023 20:22

Her wishes and feelings should be taken into consideration, his fault he shouldn’t have booked it.

Welshmonster · 09/02/2023 20:24

It’s not your responsibility to sort this but let dad speak to his daughter and let her say no thanks.

he needs to realise she is an approaching adulthood and can’t be told what to do anymore (within reason!!)

Simplelobsterhat · 09/02/2023 20:37

What are her next steps after GCSE? In my experience enrolment for colleges or sixth form usually takes place on results day or in the week after so being away then can cause real issues, particularly if results are not as expected and changes need to be made. So it's not necessarily just about celebrating (although why shouldn't she get to do that!) He clearly doesn't pay attention to her education or what is important to her enough.

angielizzy1 · 09/02/2023 20:41

There were no online options to get GCSE results in my daughter's school (I've not heard of online results before, only collect in person or posted) She also needed to go to her chosen college for an enrollment interview in the week after she got her GCSE results to make sure it's the right choice of courses for her after she received her results so wouldn't be able to go away that week.

Radiatorvalves · 09/02/2023 20:42

We’ve got both GCSEs and A levels this year. Both boys want to collect results in person and our whole summer has been organised around them (and Reading festival and a post A level boys’ trip). Poor DD.

PollyPut · 09/02/2023 20:43

@bluefrontdoorr the Dad should have thought about this. Really silly of him.

What is she doing next year? Does she have sixth form places dependent on her GCSE grades? She might need to confirm these in less than a week.

TheaBrandt · 09/02/2023 20:45

It’s not hard to see why he is an ex! What a prat. Who books a holiday for anyone over about 12 without running the dates by then first?! Durr.