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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this isn't DD's fault

377 replies

bluefrontdoorr · 09/02/2023 08:51

DD16 is in year 11 and doing her GCSE's this year. Results come out on 24 August. Her Dad has text me and said he's decided to book a holiday which includes DD. Great. When I asked what date, he said 24 August and they fly at 6:30am. DD16 has always said that she wants to pick her GCSE results up from the school in the morning with her friends and then spend the day (hopefully) celebrating. I said that means she wouldn't be able to go on holiday with her Dad and she has said she's sad about it but doesn't want to miss collecting her results etc.

I've spoken to her Dad about it and he has hit the roof (I'm assuming because he's paid for her already). He said I need to make DD16 go with them and have her results posted for when she gets back from the holiday.

AIBU in thinking this isn't DD16's fault, he should have checked what dates the results were coming out before booking the holiday, and she can miss it if she wants to?

OP posts:
Tirednest · 09/02/2023 10:58

Johnnysgirl · 09/02/2023 10:57

Oh, ffs! Who cares? 😂😂😂

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Well, you, clearly!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 09/02/2023 10:59

starfishmummy · 09/02/2023 10:57

I'm with you on this one. It's only recently that going in for results.day has been a thing. They used to be posted out or lists would be stuck up on the doors at school if people wanted to get them before they got their letter.

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Its really not a new thing Confused

Johnnysgirl · 09/02/2023 10:59

Tirednest · 09/02/2023 10:58

Well, you, clearly!

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No 😵‍💫

alseb · 09/02/2023 11:00

It seems to be the thing where I live that children get their GCSE results then travel from everywhere to go to the Leeds (or Reading) Festival to celebrate the following weekend. We knew that any holidays had to be taken before results day!

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 09/02/2023 11:00

Typical of a typical man. 'everyone else can fit in around me and my requirements'.

He should have checked with her and you to ensure the dates were free for her to holiday with him. It's his fault if dates clash with something else she is doing. If he wants her to go with him, he needs to talk directly to her. You don't need to have anything further to do with it; it's his problem.

I hope she gets her exam results with her friends OP. It'll teach him a lesson!

GloomyDarkness · 09/02/2023 11:04

TeenDivided · 09/02/2023 10:43

To my mind he should/could go on holiday way earlier in the holidays.
Results day and onwards in my mind time for enrolling / preparing / getting in the mindset for y12 whatever form that is (maybe especially as your DD is autistic?).
He could take her any time from July 1st / after prom, it doesn't need to be the last week of August.

This.

Ds is changing to a college and we know from DD1 doing so there is admin and events post results days.

Ds was saying he want his e-mailed to him but his social circle has recently shifted and he's going out more and if he decide he wants to go in and get them and spend the day with his mates - that's fine.

I think it's really odd it didn't occur to him to check - as it's a fairly important event/date for most teens.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/02/2023 11:04

It's a shame that some schools like the one that @Tirednest's kids went to either didn't offer the kind of shared experience that is a milestone for so many kids and/or didn't manage to create the kind of community feel that made kids want to go back and collect their results with their friends and teachers around them. A lost opportunity, maybe.

However, all of that is irrelevant to the OP, because her dd's school does offer that experience and her dd clearly wants to be a part of it. If it weren't for her autism diagnosis, I would suggest to the OP that she stays out of it and leaves it as an issue for ex-H to sort out with dd. However, it sounds like dd is getting stressed out by all the texting which isn't fair. I think I would be setting out clearly the fact that he hadn't checked the dates in advance and that you will respect her preference not to go if that is how she feels.

Rainbowhermit · 09/02/2023 11:04

My dad with autism wouldn’t go on holiday alone with her father under any circumstances, and he lives with us and they get on!
This is a huge influencing factor - she had in her mind that she would collect her results, changing that narrative is an enormous ‘ask’ - shame her father doesn’t understand that

Rainbowhermit · 09/02/2023 11:04

Dd not dad!

redskydelight · 09/02/2023 11:05

starfishmummy · 09/02/2023 10:57

I'm with you on this one. It's only recently that going in for results.day has been a thing. They used to be posted out or lists would be stuck up on the doors at school if people wanted to get them before they got their letter.

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I collected my results in 1990. So not really a new thing.
(although there were issues with printing for one board and hence my results for that board were handwritten onto a piece of paper).

DC's school does sixth form registration at the same time as results collection. So, particularly if you haven't got the grades you need or want to change your mind about future course, it's pretty important to actually be there to speak to teachers. Even for sixth forms that don't do registration at the same time, I'd imagine the being available to follow up if necessary would still be the case.

bonzaitree · 09/02/2023 11:05

Your daughter is an adult now and it’s her choice.

Jengnr · 09/02/2023 11:05

starfishmummy · 09/02/2023 10:57

I'm with you on this one. It's only recently that going in for results.day has been a thing. They used to be posted out or lists would be stuck up on the doors at school if people wanted to get them before they got their letter.

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It’s not that recent. We had to go in in 1995. Never got them posted.

Whatislove82 · 09/02/2023 11:10

Take this issue out of the equation for a moment Op

what is your relationship like with you ex? Is there lots of history? How is he paying cms?

GloomyDarkness · 09/02/2023 11:12

My brother went in 1990 to school for results - I went few years later and DH in another part of the country went in for his.

We live in another part of the UK when kids were young in 2000s we went past a school on result day to see kids streaming in and out.

It's not a new thing going into schools and it's fairly widespread practise.

Even if it wasn't an old established practise OP DD wants to do this, her school does it and and her friends are doing it - and the 16 DD here has told her father she wants to get her results - and he's now putting pressure on her mother to change her mind.

GoodChat · 09/02/2023 11:12

Whatislove82 · 09/02/2023 11:10

Take this issue out of the equation for a moment Op

what is your relationship like with you ex? Is there lots of history? How is he paying cms?

Why is any of that relevant?

maddy68 · 09/02/2023 11:13

Tbh I'm kinda on his side. Kids come in dribs and drabs to collect the results. They usually get sent them online too it's a 5 minute excercise

Gymnopedie · 09/02/2023 11:14

Whether or not the results can be emailed is irrelevant. There is much more to this that simply knowing what grades you got, it's the knowing what your friends got, celebrating (or commiserating) together. That's what the DD wants and there's no reason she shouldn't have it.

By booking the holiday with no consultation, the ex has shown that he has no respect for his daughter as an individual with her own wishes, it's all about him and what he takes it into his head to do, then he throws a strop when he doesn't get it all his own way. Nasty.

OP support your DD in her choice and let the ex go whistle. His daughter isn't a toy to be moved around to his will.

GoodChat · 09/02/2023 11:14

maddy68 · 09/02/2023 11:13

Tbh I'm kinda on his side. Kids come in dribs and drabs to collect the results. They usually get sent them online too it's a 5 minute excercise

But his daughter wants to collect hers in person. It's her day.

SomePosters · 09/02/2023 11:15

Sounds like your dd is exactly old enough to learn she doesn’t have to give up something important to her to please a man who has no consideration of her

Whatislove82 · 09/02/2023 11:15

Her Dad has text me and said he's decided to book a holiday which includes DD.

Had he already booked when he text? Wording suggests that he had decided to book rather than actually booked?

Gymnopedie · 09/02/2023 11:16

GoodChat · 09/02/2023 11:14

But his daughter wants to collect hers in person. It's her day.

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And her group of friends won't go in in dribs and drabs, they'll set a time where they all meet up and go in together.

Whatislove82 · 09/02/2023 11:16

maddy68 · 09/02/2023 11:13

Tbh I'm kinda on his side. Kids come in dribs and drabs to collect the results. They usually get sent them online too it's a 5 minute excercise

What I’m not “on his side” about is booking a holiday for a 16 year old… woman, and not running dates by her (or even location by the sounds of it)

007DoubleOSeven · 09/02/2023 11:17

Overthebloodymoon · 09/02/2023 08:54

What kind of father doesn’t know something as key as this?! He can change the date if he wants her to go. What an idiot. God, I’d be so disappointed in his lack of awareness and stupidity. Shows how little he knows her and what’s going on in her life.

My thoughts exactly

Justalittlebitduckling · 09/02/2023 11:17

bluefrontdoorr · 09/02/2023 08:51

DD16 is in year 11 and doing her GCSE's this year. Results come out on 24 August. Her Dad has text me and said he's decided to book a holiday which includes DD. Great. When I asked what date, he said 24 August and they fly at 6:30am. DD16 has always said that she wants to pick her GCSE results up from the school in the morning with her friends and then spend the day (hopefully) celebrating. I said that means she wouldn't be able to go on holiday with her Dad and she has said she's sad about it but doesn't want to miss collecting her results etc.

I've spoken to her Dad about it and he has hit the roof (I'm assuming because he's paid for her already). He said I need to make DD16 go with them and have her results posted for when she gets back from the holiday.

AIBU in thinking this isn't DD16's fault, he should have checked what dates the results were coming out before booking the holiday, and she can miss it if she wants to?

At 16 I would let her make her own decision about this. Her Dad should have checked whether she had any other plans in the summer before booking.

Justalittlebitduckling · 09/02/2023 11:18

ZeroFuchsGiven · 09/02/2023 10:59

Its really not a new thing Confused

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We all went to get ours in 2003? Depends what you mean by recent I guess.