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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this isn't DD's fault

377 replies

bluefrontdoorr · 09/02/2023 08:51

DD16 is in year 11 and doing her GCSE's this year. Results come out on 24 August. Her Dad has text me and said he's decided to book a holiday which includes DD. Great. When I asked what date, he said 24 August and they fly at 6:30am. DD16 has always said that she wants to pick her GCSE results up from the school in the morning with her friends and then spend the day (hopefully) celebrating. I said that means she wouldn't be able to go on holiday with her Dad and she has said she's sad about it but doesn't want to miss collecting her results etc.

I've spoken to her Dad about it and he has hit the roof (I'm assuming because he's paid for her already). He said I need to make DD16 go with them and have her results posted for when she gets back from the holiday.

AIBU in thinking this isn't DD16's fault, he should have checked what dates the results were coming out before booking the holiday, and she can miss it if she wants to?

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 09/02/2023 10:27

Nimbostratus100 · 09/02/2023 10:19

as a possible option, the your daughter can give permission to the school for her results to be issued to you, and you can then contact her.

She can still be the first person to see them. We arranged this, as we were away. The results were issued to a friend, who opened them, laid them on the table without reading them, snapped them and whatsapped them to my son.

He then spent much of the day online celebrating with friends

It was the best we could do, and I am not going to lie, he missed out on the group opening, but them he did get that at A level later, and now values the travel greatly ov er the receiving results event.

Of course, receiving results is not always great, and you are not always with who you want to be in school when you do it, as it is spread over several hours. There are disappointments, and tears, and the need for guidance. WE had arranged that if my son didn't have what he needed, he would be emailing the school straight away for a discussion

Lets be clear about this - these results happen in person now because it is cheaper to compel staff back onto the school premises for a hand out than it is to post the results, as used to be done

That sounds shit. OP’s ex should just take her on holiday at a time that she isn’t going to miss something really important to her. And ‘let’s be clear about this’, getting school staff in on results day and having kids go to collect them is not to save the cost of printing and posting 😂 we actually have even cheaper and quicker ways of conveying written information these days.

Peoplepissmeoff · 09/02/2023 10:28

ZeroFuchsGiven · 09/02/2023 09:04

I find that really strange tbh, Ive had 3 done GCSE's and all of them and all their mates went to collect, it was very important to them.

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Not strange at all. I hated the idea of collecting my results in front of everybody when I did my GCSE's. We're all different.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 09/02/2023 10:29

Peoplepissmeoff · 09/02/2023 10:28

Not strange at all. I hated the idea of collecting my results in front of everybody when I did my GCSE's. We're all different.

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ok, not strange to YOU but for the majority of teens it is a massive thing!

mychildrenarealiens · 09/02/2023 10:31

kittensinthekitchen · 09/02/2023 10:13

Autism is a social communication disorder.

You can't counsel the autism out of an autistic person, no matter how much society wishes you could.

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Was coming on to say the same thing.

This type of attitude towards Autism is extremely damaging.

FrenchandSaunders · 09/02/2023 10:36

Any parent who is even moderately involved in their child's education would know that a 16 year old is due to collect GCSE results towards the end of August.

Nimbostratus100 · 09/02/2023 10:37

Johnnysgirl · 09/02/2023 10:21

The school will email them directly to the dd, so none of this stuff is necessary.
The dd STILL wants to collect in person.

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well if they email them, great, our school doesn't and my childrens school didnt. Maybe this is a recent covid related change

redskydelight · 09/02/2023 10:38

Johnnysgirl · 09/02/2023 10:24

Well, they don't stay in the school hall all day, clearly Confused

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well of course not. But school results collection is usually pretty early in the day, teens also want to share the information with parents/other family and friends, may have to confirm sixth form places etc, school is not necessarily near anywhere they want to actually "hang out" so I wouldn't think it's that normal to meet friends at picking up results time and then stay with them for an extended period to celebrate. Would think it was far more usual to go in for results and meet again later for main celebration.

TeenDivided · 09/02/2023 10:43

To my mind he should/could go on holiday way earlier in the holidays.
Results day and onwards in my mind time for enrolling / preparing / getting in the mindset for y12 whatever form that is (maybe especially as your DD is autistic?).
He could take her any time from July 1st / after prom, it doesn't need to be the last week of August.

LuxLucet · 09/02/2023 10:43

After GCSEs, DS is changing from school to college. College have said, if they get the grades, they have to be available to enrol in person from the following Monday.
So basically warned kids NOT to go on holiday at that time.
If they don't get the results they want, it's much better to be at home to take action on any alternatives.

GoodChat · 09/02/2023 10:44

TheFretfulPorpentine · 09/02/2023 10:24

Tell him he can change the booking, pay the amendment fee, and consider it a tax on stupidity.

Ha this is the only response you need OP.

Toddlingturtle · 09/02/2023 10:47

Johnnysgirl · 09/02/2023 09:00

Well, that's quite unusual, and doesn't apply here.

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ours have never been in person, they're all emailed and you're only allowed in school if you've been contacted by them to discuss the impact of results on 6th form choices. Same for A levels, all by email

LimeCheesecake · 09/02/2023 10:48

If there’s even the slightest possibly she won’t get the grades she needs to stay on at her current school doing the A levels she wants, then you need her to be here - even more so if she’s going to struggle on a phone call to convey what she wants to do.

unfortunately, you probably won’t know until May/June time if the exams have gone well, or like many students predicted good grades, she panicked in the exam and didn’t do her best.

the week before would be much better. He should have asked.

TeenDivided · 09/02/2023 10:50

Also, discussing possible remarks with school.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 09/02/2023 10:51

Tirednest · 09/02/2023 09:42

No, it's not. But it seems to have caused an interesting conversation at least!

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It's not interesting. Please stop banging on about your teens and their private school (yes, we all got that they were in private school. PRIVATE SCHOOL.)

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/02/2023 10:51

This is totally your DD's choice. If she doesn't want to go, then her dad needs to respect that.

All those people saying that a holiday is more important than collecting the results...to whom? Surely that's for the dd to decide?

On the day that dd collected her GCSE results, they all went into school first, and it was a really lovely atmosphere with most of the teachers having come in to see them etc. Then after results, most of them had to go into the sixth form or college to which they were progressing in order to register, so she might potentially be missing out on that as well. Then there were the parties that evening...I can totally see why kids might not want to miss out on that kind of milestone.

Maray1967 · 09/02/2023 10:53

Overthebloodymoon · 09/02/2023 08:54

What kind of father doesn’t know something as key as this?! He can change the date if he wants her to go. What an idiot. God, I’d be so disappointed in his lack of awareness and stupidity. Shows how little he knows her and what’s going on in her life.

Exactly this. He has given no thought at all to her GCSE results . His problem. She is well within her rights to say she isn’t going as she wants to celebrate with her friends. My eldest had a great day for GCSE and A level results with his mates - he wouldn’t have wanted to miss that and we made sure holidays didn’t clash with results.

Johnnysgirl · 09/02/2023 10:53

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 09/02/2023 10:51

It's not interesting. Please stop banging on about your teens and their private school (yes, we all got that they were in private school. PRIVATE SCHOOL.)

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Yeah, nothing interesting about that nonsensical mederail.

GoodChat · 09/02/2023 10:53

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave I'm so glad you said that because I thought the exact same. She's just desperate to tell us they're in private school, in case you missed that bit.

LittleOwl153 · 09/02/2023 10:54

bluefrontdoorr · 09/02/2023 09:56

@BloggersBlog They do. With DD being autistic sometimes she finds it hard to talk about some things or process certain feelings. Her Dad has been texting her about the holiday and she has now stopped replying which is why he's text me.

I think the fact that she has stopped responding to him says alot. She has said what she wants - he isn't listening. She doesn't know how to process that - which maybe her age, autism or other things.

That he has now turned to you to 'make her go' suggests that he is just a bully and that he expects you to force her because he just doesn't hear the word NO!

If she has said NO. And I think she should in the circumstances if that's what she wants, then I think you need to back her and say NO that is not what she wants. I'd also be very careful about him going on at her over it particularly through the exam period as she doesn't need any added stress!

britnay · 09/02/2023 10:55

If he wants her to go with him then he needs to change the flights to the day after.

Tirednest · 09/02/2023 10:55

GoodChat · 09/02/2023 10:53

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave I'm so glad you said that because I thought the exact same. She's just desperate to tell us they're in private school, in case you missed that bit.

Well it seemed silly not to mention it as it is clearly very different to other schools. Fantastic school by the way, been thrilled with it and dcs have got stellar results so far.

FrenchandSaunders · 09/02/2023 10:56

Also, unless he is in education himself, which I doubt considering his lack of awareness of results dates ....... why on earth would he choose August for a holiday. Presumably she'll finish school late June, great chance to get away for a much cheaper holiday.

FrenchandSaunders · 09/02/2023 10:56

@Tirednest did your DCs go to private school?

Johnnysgirl · 09/02/2023 10:57

Tirednest · 09/02/2023 10:55

Well it seemed silly not to mention it as it is clearly very different to other schools. Fantastic school by the way, been thrilled with it and dcs have got stellar results so far.

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Oh, ffs! Who cares? 😂😂😂

starfishmummy · 09/02/2023 10:57

Tirednest · 09/02/2023 08:58

And ours have all been emailed anyway, so they could have checked while on holiday. None of mine have ever wanted to go into school and get the results!

I'm with you on this one. It's only recently that going in for results.day has been a thing. They used to be posted out or lists would be stuck up on the doors at school if people wanted to get them before they got their letter.