To feel hopeless about male violence

[brujarosada]

Everywhere I turn I see news stories where it's implicitly understood that a man harmed a woman. An obvious family annhilator? Definitely the husband. Woman disappears while out? Obviously a man.

I know that this is nothing new, but it feels so inevitable and hopeless. Women getting angry gets some attention sometimes (like with Sarah Everard). But there's no real change and toxic masculinity seems to be ever more celebrated - for example, there's currently a story in The Guardian about an influencer who is capturing the imagination of secondary school boys everywhere.

Am I wrong to feel so hopeless? Is there some sort of inspiring change that I am missing?

I was hoping the conversation could move on from the basic “call out your mates or you’re just as much at fault” to being able to suggest what I / we can actually do to help, and how to reach the men who don’t have any mates who would think anything other than “it’s fine”

But yeah, anyone not admitting to being a problem is useless…

I was having a chat with the Year 8 girls at work today. It was depressing. They are generally treated abysmally by their male peers.

Like with all violence across the world, we haven't unfortunately evolved enough

You have repeatedly said you don't see any sexism (or are unwilling to intervene in the stuff you do see). Keep doing what you are doing - you have declared yourself useless to do anything else.

i grant that i misinterpreted your post, but I don’t agree with your first point. You’re not more likely to be murdered than your OH.

The statistics show that in the UK, men are three times more likely to be murdered than women. Now, while some of them might have been dealing drugs or whatever, there are legion stories of men being killed through unprovoked attacks.

(As an aside I think there may be a mutual misunderstanding about what is to be a man or woman. On this thread, many women have posted about the constant threat of violence in their daily lives, but as a man, I particularly remember this constant threat as a young man. From a young age, boys become aware of the threat of “the hardest kid in school” ready to give you a beating, and I remember going out as a young man feeling the threat of other men (it’s less now I’m a middle aged father).

You’re implying that when men get murdered, then, it’s a good chance it was their own fault. That’s incredibly unfair.

One more thing, the fighting in pubs or football matches can overlook what is in effect an unprovoked attack.

It’s not an excuse to be concerned about one’s personal safety first. If my DH intervened in this kind of situation I’d be PISSED because he could get seriously hurt or killed.

I think people often conflate a safe society with a less misogynistic society. I have lived in misogynistic societies that are extremely safe, and more equal societies that are actually more dangerous.

Tackling misogyny is ofc a good thing to pursue, but it won’t necessarily lower actual rates of violence.

Yup. An awful lot of violence is completely unprovoked and this idea that blokes who get killed or severely hurt were somehow in part to blame because they had to be involved in criminal activities is a bit naive. I have been attacked while walking home alone at night by a bunch of feral arseholes. I had never seen them before. I was 'lucky' that one of my assailants gave me a few seconds warning by shouting while charging at me which allowed me to start sprinting. Got clipped around the head with a few glancing punches but otherwise managed to flee. It was terrifying. I have other friends who were not so lucky and essentially got the shit kicked out of them. Their crime, walking home on their own and being an easy target for a gang of thugs. I am a bit older and wiser these days so I catch a taxi home rather then walk, I don't go to busy city centre pubs or known trouble spots or hang around at kick out time when there is a much higher risk of violence, I cross the road when I see a group of drunk men walking towards me, I will change carriages if a group of pissed up people get on board etc. Believe it or not most men don't actually go looking for a fight when they go out socialising , sadly a sizable violent minority take that choice away from the others.

And totally unsurprisingly the Police have announced that Emma Pattison and her daughter were murdered by the man they should have been able to trust. RIP. You deserved better.

An average of 2 women a week are killed a the hands of violent men.

This is simply awful.

So much for those posters telling us to reserve judgement in case it was carbon monoxide poisoning.

It always seems to be the husband. I'm so angry.

@Sapphire387 I suppose it's appropriate not to speculate - but it was incredibly obvious that this was what happened

And the men don't think "What is it about us that means it's obvious it was the husband?" No, they immediately go to DARVO, and NAMALT.

It's so wearing. OF COURSE the one with the y chromosome murdered his wife and daughter. We knew that. We knew that because it's what happens 95% of the time. And it's too much. Too much male violence.