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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking a house you don’t really want?

152 replies

Balloonblower8 · 05/02/2023 11:47

I live in an awful area with violence, anti social behaviour and bad neighbours. It’s not where I want to raise my children as it’s got worse since we moved here 4 years ago. The local schools have gone downhill too and are rated some of the worse in the U.K.

I have the option to take another house half an hour away with better opportunities, it isn’t perfect and it’s fairly small, but it will mean an easy escape from this dreadful place.
If you were me would you take the house for these reasons? Have you been in this position and moved somewhere you didn’t really want just for a happier life?

OP posts:
Scirocco · 05/02/2023 13:14

If it's a simple matter of Current big house in terrible area VS New small house in ok area, then that's easy enough to decide. You just need to think if you are motivated enough to move into the less-than-ideal house in order to escape having to live in your current area. Where you are now sounds like it's not all that safe, and is affecting your mental health.

If it were a HA offer of relocation, you'd need to take it or risk going to the bottom of the waiting list for another opportunity (which might never come).

But if it's a housing swap, it's worth taking a little time to think...

Do you know why the person swapping with you wants to leave an apparently ok area to go live in your current area? What have they said when you asked them? If they've been evasive, that'd make me a bit wary.

How familiar are you with the new area? If you have a car, you and/or your partner could visit the area a few times and see what you think. Drive around at night, park up and see what's going on, go during the day as well to visit the local shop/cafe and take your kids to the local park... You'll get a feel for the area and whether it's better or worse than where you are.

EmmaDilemma5 · 05/02/2023 13:16

I'd do anything I could do get out of there.

If that means downsizing and leaving friends, I absolutely would.

Well done on finding something out of that area, it sounds grim.

PurpleFlower1983 · 05/02/2023 13:18

Yes, definitely do it.

MegsMon · 05/02/2023 13:19

Yes take the house so you can live at peace. It will improve your kids opportunities and your own mental health immeasurably. If physical house space is the only thing stopping you then that's something you can deal down the line. Try and look at it as the next (but not last) step in an ongoing 'life progression'.

In the future you'll look back and wonder why you even considered not moving.

Thelnebriati · 05/02/2023 13:26

That's exactly how I got out of a rough area. The family that took the house were proud of the fact that they had started off in a nice area and worked their way downwards by a series of exchanges. It suited them because the house was near the prison, and they had two family members serving time.

We moved again a second time soon afterwards to the house we have now. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, grab the house. If its not the one you want long term, move on from there.

Justmeandthedog1 · 05/02/2023 13:27

Yes. You can change a house, you can’t change its location or the neighbourhood.
If the area is better that’s peace of mind and worth living in a smaller house for.

GoldilockMom · 05/02/2023 13:27

Why not go and knock a few neighbours doors? Always find someone with gossip!

JudgeRudy · 05/02/2023 13:32

If you are in Social Housing and this is a 'Mutual Exchange' just be mindful that the MAJORITY of exchanges don't go through. Unfortunately it's really don't unsusual for people to drop out at the last moment. By last moment I mean leaving you high n dry with your packed belongings on moving day. Ghosting is common too. I'm guessing you've told the other swapper you want her home yet you haven't actually decided have you? Agree a deadline for concrete confirmation. At this stage it's an expression of keen interest
Of course people move for a variety of reasons, so guage how likely you think the move is to go ahead by their story but have a plan. Ask lots of questions eg which removers/van hire they are using etc.
On the face of it yes go for it. It is of course quite feasible that the move will go ahead.
Good luck

Tumbleweed101 · 05/02/2023 13:40

Are your direct neighbours a problem or people generally in the street? Do they threaten you directly or is it just you are finding it hard to deal with behaviour around you?

Direct intimidation, bad neighbours I'd take the new property. If its indirect and not personal then I'd hesitate leaving a better house for a less nice one.

Happilysingle · 05/02/2023 13:58

Yes I have been in this situation
Like you the area was rough, one of the most deprived areas in my town. Also had abusive ex (dd's Dad) living very close. Had to get out and didn't want to bring dd up in that area. Done a house-swap but only on the day I moved did I realise what an utter shit hole of a house it was and it needed alot of work costing alot of money. My god I had so much regret to begin with. However, fast forward 6 years, still here, dd settled in school with lots of friends, area is good, school good and house is all completely re-decorated. I have no regrets, not anymore anyway. I do sometimes wish I had of hung off and waited on a better, bigger house that wouldn't of cost me an arm and a leg to do but I was desperate at the time. I'm saving for a mortgage so I won't be here forever. I say go for it, the opportunity might not present itself again for quite some time.

maranella · 05/02/2023 14:00

I get it OP. You're worried you're jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire and that this new house will be worse and the new neighbourhood won't be much better.

If you turn this house down, will you be removed from the HA waiting list? I know that happens in some areas so you literally can't refuse a house (however unsuitable), because you won't be offered another. Also, how likely do you think it is that you'll be offered one in a better area?

A tiny house with no storage that needs a lot of work doesn't sound great tbh, but then neither does your current situation. Will the HA do any of the work? Will they put some storage in for you? Is there even space to do that??

Wishihadanalgorithm · 05/02/2023 14:07

I would hate to live in a rough area. I’d settle for a small house in a decent area rather than a big house where I felt unsafe and stressed.

bestcoffeepot · 05/02/2023 14:14

Estate Agents do say the 3 most important things to consider when house hunting are "Location, location and location".

They do say to buy the worst house in the best location you can afford rather than the best house in a worse location.

Although they're talking about value, I'd say it's related to quality of life living in the areas being considered so go for that house in a better location.

Unsure33 · 05/02/2023 14:19

I don’t understand how these exchanges work , but will you have time to go and visit local shops or pubs etc and ask lots of questions ? Look at local Facebook pages ?

Unsure33 · 05/02/2023 14:21

Also if it means moving schools and they are better schools then it should be worth it just for that .

Redebs · 05/02/2023 14:36

It's hard to make even small decisions when you're feeling low, OP, let alone something as big as a house move.

When things get tough lots of us retreat emotionally into trying to feel safe where we are. It's a massive thing to get all your things together and leave the security of home (even if it isn't the best) for something unknown and unfamiliar.

The new place might turn out even worse, depending on who is directly next door. Noisy neighbours and barking dogs are even harder when your house and garden are small. It can be claustrophobic.

Can you talk with a housing officer about what the new neighbourhood is really like? Can you pop over and sus out the area on a warm evening or a weekend? Get a proper feel for the place.

On the other hand, that tendency to emotionally retreat into a 'nest' could actually be keeping you in an unhappy place and causing you to miss out on a better situation. Putting up with being miserable means not getting your hopes up and letting opportunities slip by. Living in a better, less stressful area might be just what you need to boost your mental health and confidence. It's so hard to know while you're feeling like you are now.

bellswithwhistles · 05/02/2023 14:37

Why don't you 'move move'? As in, move somewhere that's £700 a month rent as opposed to what your'e paying now?

Get a new job there.

I'm baffled as to why people would stay in rented accommodation for that price in a shit area when you work?!

Johnnysgirl · 05/02/2023 14:42

bellswithwhistles · 05/02/2023 14:37

Why don't you 'move move'? As in, move somewhere that's £700 a month rent as opposed to what your'e paying now?

Get a new job there.

I'm baffled as to why people would stay in rented accommodation for that price in a shit area when you work?!

It's a good point. Why are the rents so high if the area is a hellhole, anyway?
All rents can't be a blanket £2k, op? How hard can you have looked, I wonder.

user1471538283 · 05/02/2023 14:46

I think you feel a bit paralysed by it all and I can understand that. I moved from horrible neighbors and it took me 2 years to be well enough to consider buying anywhere.

Maybe see the area at different times? Knock on doors to see what your neighbors might be like?

I would view the next house as a stepping stone. But I would move.

BellePeppa · 05/02/2023 14:54

Has social media rendered people incapable of making logical decisions by themselves? I live in a terrible area and have the opportunity to move somewhere better, MN what should I do? 😵‍💫

caringcarer · 05/02/2023 15:02

I'd be biting the HA hand off to be moving I to a better area. The kids will get better schools. You will all feel safer. A no brainer. If you don't move out now you might not get another opportunity.

Cocobutt · 05/02/2023 15:11

Is it the neighbours or the area?

If it’s just the neighbours then I wouldn’t move because you can get bad neighbours in the new place but if it’s the area then I would move.

When I read your first post I was about to say snatch their hand off but I would seriously take time to make sure that area is nicer than yours as if it’s just as bad then you are putting yourself in a worse position.

Tell the person you are very interested but you need to check the local schools out etc.

Drive around at different times of the day, look on the local Facebook page, see how many other homes are trying to exchange on the same street etc.

There is a reason this person wants to move.
It may be that they just want a bigger property which you have got.

How long have you been at your current how?

oldtree54 · 05/02/2023 15:13

I may be wrong, but it sounds like you're in a rough part of London, OP? Try joining an app like Next Door and having a look at posts from local people, should give you a good idea of what the other area is like.

Cocobutt · 05/02/2023 15:14

Has social media rendered people incapable of making logical decisions by themselves? I live in a terrible area and have the opportunity to move somewhere better, MN what should I do?

I disagree.
This is why MN is so popular because you can ask advice and talk through your worries.

In theory it’s a no brainer but when there are children involved you often want a second opinion or just to talk through it to make sure you are not having a clouded view.

CremeEggThief · 05/02/2023 15:14

Exactly, BellPeppa. How on earth can anyone on here properly advise the OP, when she's more familiar with both areas than any of us are?🤔

People weren't being 'arseholes' to the OP at all. They were merely asking for further information and possibly pointing out to her to make sure she researches the new area more before she makes a final decision.