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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with my fearful DD

115 replies

MiMouse · 04/02/2023 18:40

OK, not sure what I want with this thread, but I need to get this off my chest. I know I am being unreasonable, but my kid is driving me up the wall. She will be 4 this month, and she is afraid of the most random things. Everything is scary. I can never play any of the music I like because it is "scary" (believe me - I have the most basic taste in music), stories are scary (we're still reading Dear Zoo and Where's Spot - even something like The Tiger Who Came to Tea is too scary, let alone any Julia Donaldson), the playground is scary... She just seems to have so much anxiety. Anyway, today I bought her a dvd box of the one tv show she loves -she asked for it and I thought it'd make her happy- but she's terrified of the menu screen (again, I have no idea why) and refuses to watch it, getting herself into a panic if I even come near the tv now. I gave her a row for making me spend money on something that she now doesn't want anymore, and sent her to her room. I know it is counterproductive, but I am just out of patience. I have tried to be understanding for so long, but I was never like this as a kid and I have no idea where it is coming from (no traumas or big events in her life, am happily married to her dad, no tensions in the family, neither her dad nor I are stressed or have anxiety).

OP posts:

Swimswam · 04/02/2023 18:50

I think you coule to gently help her to face her fears. For example the music - start at a low volume and slowly increase it.
Is it possible this could also be a way to get attention?
She is still very little - almost only past toddler age really. They can have a very active imagination at this age and struggle to know the difference between reality and fantasy
I would really try not to label it as anxiety. She could be sensitive or need reassurance.
Have you asked why it is scary? If she goes to nursery what is she like there? Still scared?

MeinKraft · 04/02/2023 18:58

Is she really scared or is that just her way of saying 'I don't like that right now, make it go away?' You could try reading some books about expressing emotions and encourage her to talk about how things make her feel using words other than scared.

takealettermsjones · 04/02/2023 18:59

It sounds hard work but I'm not sure what your thinking was behind telling her off and sending her to her room. Now she's scared of the stuff and scared of telling you.

Can you speak to your health visitor or early years teacher for advice? They might think something like play therapy could help her?

Zooeyzo · 04/02/2023 19:00

My 7 year old DD is like this. Today she told me to cut her grapes incase she chokes and dies. I don't understand it but I just keep reassuring her.

plumduck · 04/02/2023 19:02

Get some books about emotions. Please don't teach her it's wrong to be scared. It's all about how she manages it.

Beamur · 04/02/2023 19:03

Don't punish her - but I hear your frustration.
I think you have a very sensitive child!

Deliaskis · 04/02/2023 19:03

DD used to be like this! She was still watching pre-school TV shows (Peter Rabbit, Fireman Sam, Octonauts etc.) when she was about 7, and even some episodes of those had a little too much 'mild peril' for her. She is now almost 12 and is still catching up on children's classics that were just too much for her at 8 or 9 or whenever her friends were watching them.

I remember wondering if we would ever be able to go to the cinema to see the current kid's film like other families did.

So...I know it can be a bit frustrating, but she'll get there, try not to be annoyed by it. She sounds like she's just a bit more sensitive than some other kids. DD still thinks a lot about things and likes to know what is going to happen, e.g. if we are going out into a big city (we live semi rurally) she wants to know that we know where to go and how to get home etc. If we didn't she would worry. Or she doesn't want to sleep at a friend's house until she's been there to visit quite a few times. But she's growing up and doing lots of activities and is well adjusted and happy.

Sparkleshine21 · 04/02/2023 19:07

Aw please don’t get upset with her. My daughter has been like this her whole life, she’s scared of a lot of things but sometimes ‘scared’ means overwhelmed by. She was diagnosed autistic age 5.

Craftycorvid · 04/02/2023 19:08

She might have some sensory sensitivities? Scary may be the way she describes feeling overwhelmed? I still panic at some sounds, find menu screens on the TV too much visual data to deal with and am a bit scared of some of the household appliances (not completely convinced the vacuum cleaner and hairdryer might not one day explode). I am 56!

Marblessolveeverything · 04/02/2023 19:09

So you are punishing your child for their feelings, a three year old.

Your role as a parent is to raise the child you have. And seriously how can you row with a child that young

Meet her where she is and make her feel secure. As she becomes more secure she will gain confidence but you can't force her to gain courage overnight.

bagelbagelbagel · 04/02/2023 19:09

Autism. Sensory sensitivity. Hyperacusis. Misophonia. Fear of the unknown. Social anxiety.

All autistic traits very common in girls.

RiskyReels · 04/02/2023 19:10

I've got a dd who had lots of fears when small, and has gradually overcome them as she got older. One thing that helped was lots of positive attention for "being brave" and repeatedly explaining that "brave" is when we are scared but we do it anyway. She had a "be brave" workbook at one point and we talked about the feelings of characters in stories, especially when they might have been scared but were being brave and doing things despite their fears.

Gumbo · 04/02/2023 19:14

DS used to be like this with certain things, it used to drive me nuts too!

It was random things, but the one that I'm still traumatised by is Fireman Fucking Sam - he was terrifying apparently! There was a toyshop in our little town with a Fireman Sam in the window for a long time and we had to go a very long way round via other roads just to get to where we were going or DS would get extremely upset.

It seemed to go on forever, but the good news is that he grew out of it (he's 17 now and doesn't remember it...)

Not much help I'm afraid, but you're not alone...

Original poster

MiMouse · 04/02/2023 19:14

I know getting upset with her was completely the wrong move, but yes, frustration. She's been begging to see this show again, I really thought I'd make her happy with these dvds, even though it was a bit of irresponsible spending, and now she doesn't even want me to put them on.

She goes to nursery and they describe her as "extremely sensitive". We switched her to a smaller, more expensive nursery when she was 2 because she was struggling: inspired by montessori and gentle parenting. I'm just worried what will happen when she'll go to school.

OP posts:

TomatoSandwiches · 04/02/2023 19:15

Yanbu to feel frustrated, yabvu to "row" with your 4yr old and teaching her to not feel safe about being honest with how she feels, but I think you know that.

Sounds like a sensitive young child with possibly a sensory issue to me, perhaps because the DVD didn't start in the same way as it does naturally on TV caused an disruption with her expectation.

Remember that just because she isn't keen on something now doesn't mean it's a waste of money, she may like them eventually.

Talking about a new activity or toy and eat to expect before hand or in the transitional stage could help calmly address her anxiety.

TheSnowyOwl · 04/02/2023 19:15

Yes YABU. She sounds like my autistic DD. Remember, she is not choosing to be scared and annoy you, yet as the adult you have the choice to preempt and support her with what makes her feel calm and happy.

BabyOnBoard90 · 04/02/2023 19:16

YANBU.

Children require endless patience.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 04/02/2023 19:19

I would also consider autism and whether "scared" actually means "overwhelmed and unable to cope with this".

Gumbo · 04/02/2023 19:19

TheSnowyOwl · 04/02/2023 19:15

That's interesting, DS is autistic too. OP, is your DD NT?

Untitledsquatboulder · 04/02/2023 19:19

Autism has been mentioned quoite a lot on this thread and now I'm going to mention it too. If it's not something you've ever considered then maybe read up about it and consider it now. If you don't think it fits what you see then no harm done.

icecreamisforwintertoo · 04/02/2023 19:19

She sounds like my dd who is nine now and
still gets scared / anxious in new situations or about news items
you have to accept that life is different wiTh a child like this to what you might expect or picture eg my dd cried the first time she went to the beach, first time she went swimming, refused to watch films, join group activities, would hide behind my legs at parties etc etc all the things you imagine being nice fun things you can do with your child. She definitely increased her tolerance of scary things over time - now it seems to have passed to her younger sister 😬
not sure about the autism thing - we’ve wondered whether my dd was autistic as she definitely have traits. The highly sensitive child book was very useful to help me understand her better and not get frustrated

thestealthwee · 04/02/2023 19:22

It does sound extreme OP

My DD does it sometimes but she's a bit older and I've found it really irritating and annoying and have told her so when she's really gotten on my nerves with it

Beamur · 04/02/2023 19:22

My DD was always a 'quirky' child and easily scared.
Your DD may well be an anxious child and I would imagine very imaginative.
Try not to compare her to yourself or other children. She's her own person.
DD particularly hated any themes of seperation, mild peril had her in hysterics, things behaving oddly gave her nightmares. Things changing size were the worst - like Alice in Wonderland for example.
It has moderated as she got older but it's been persistent.

Mylaferret · 04/02/2023 19:23

Poor little girl getting told off for something she can't help. Do you think she wants to be like this?

She sounds like my son, who has recently been diagnosed with adhd and ASD.

TheSnowyOwl · 04/02/2023 19:23

Just to add that people never pick up on my DD being autistic when they first meet her. It’s very subtle and easily mistaken for quirky or stroppy behaviour. In fact, preempt and sort out the sensory issues and she is a lovely and calm little girl. She absolutely cannot watch films of any kind though and even some CBeebies programmes are beyond her (she is 7 now). A lot of her autism shows as anxiety and she masks brilliantly; she also doesn’t have any of the typical signs eg she holds eye contact, toilet trained and spoke well at a young age.

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