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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with my fearful DD

115 replies

MiMouse · 04/02/2023 18:40

OK, not sure what I want with this thread, but I need to get this off my chest. I know I am being unreasonable, but my kid is driving me up the wall. She will be 4 this month, and she is afraid of the most random things. Everything is scary. I can never play any of the music I like because it is "scary" (believe me - I have the most basic taste in music), stories are scary (we're still reading Dear Zoo and Where's Spot - even something like The Tiger Who Came to Tea is too scary, let alone any Julia Donaldson), the playground is scary... She just seems to have so much anxiety. Anyway, today I bought her a dvd box of the one tv show she loves -she asked for it and I thought it'd make her happy- but she's terrified of the menu screen (again, I have no idea why) and refuses to watch it, getting herself into a panic if I even come near the tv now. I gave her a row for making me spend money on something that she now doesn't want anymore, and sent her to her room. I know it is counterproductive, but I am just out of patience. I have tried to be understanding for so long, but I was never like this as a kid and I have no idea where it is coming from (no traumas or big events in her life, am happily married to her dad, no tensions in the family, neither her dad nor I are stressed or have anxiety).

OP posts:
UWhatNow · 04/02/2023 19:24

I can understand your frustration op. Don’t be hard on yourself and don’t listen to posters berating you. Yes she’s little, but it’s challenging behaviour in its own way and we do not all react perfectly when our children behave in unpredictable and unreasonable ways.

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/02/2023 19:25

Some of you suggesting autism could be a bit more gentle with the OP.

AfraidToRun · 04/02/2023 19:25

I would try not focusing on the thing I.e dvds etc but how she feels. Where in her body does she feel scared, what lets her know she's scared, what makes those feelings better that doesn't involve avoidance. What happens to those feelings over time etc. How does a hug feel?

Lovemusic33 · 04/02/2023 19:25

My dd was like this as a child too, she was diagnosed with high functioning autism. She used to be scared of men when she was 2/3, when I took her to the gp they asked if she had been abused by a man (I was shocked they assumed this). She was scared of going in the car, scared of sleeping on her own, scared by some tv programmes and going to the cinema usually ended with tears. She’s now 19, and not as anxious as she used to be. It was frustrating at times.

bagelbagelbagel · 04/02/2023 19:25

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/02/2023 19:25

Some of you suggesting autism could be a bit more gentle with the OP.

It's not a death sentence.

JuneOsborne · 04/02/2023 19:26

If you have Spotify look up Christiane Kerr. She does meditations for kids. They're lovely. They might not solve anything, buy it's a way for her to relax. There's a worry tree for you to hang your worries on while you relax into the adventure (guided meditation).

Whatever, I think you both need some help with this issue. You're finding it hard to manage, and well, she must be scared to death of her feelings.

Give her a cuddle op.

itsgettingweird · 04/02/2023 19:28

When she's afraid of things like a menu try and get her to explain what it is.

But whilst doing this you need to describe what it is for example "DD, that's just words on a screen. It's the name of the tv shows. What about the words is scaring you?"

This is because it's unlikely to be the words themselves but by pointing out it's just words she maybe able to verbalise what it is about those words that scaring her.

Does she play her own music? I'd be interested to know what response she gave to you turning that off because you're scared. It's possible she'll try and reassure you and it'll give you a clue to what words may reassure her.

Try not to minimise her fears (easier said than done I know!) but rather out them into perspective for her.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 04/02/2023 19:29

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/02/2023 19:25

Some of you suggesting autism could be a bit more gentle with the OP.

I haven't seen anyone being anything but gentle Confused

TheSnowyOwl · 04/02/2023 19:30

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/02/2023 19:25

Some of you suggesting autism could be a bit more gentle with the OP.

Why? It’s a very normal condition for a significant percentage of the population and nothing to be ashamed of. It could easily be the reason behind the OP’s DD’s behaviour and accepting and understanding this would chance her future for the better.

NoGoodUsernamee · 04/02/2023 19:30

OP don’t feel bad for sending her to her room, yes you know it’s counterproductive but the holier than thou posts on this thread… parents are human to and when you feel like your child is being needlessly unreasonable it is frustrating. You made a mistake she won’t be scared for life 🙄 Reminds me a little of my eldest dd (5) although not to the same degree as your dd. She can be very sensitive/scared of things but then very confident in other ways. She still does ‘no 2s’ in a nappy because she’s terrified of doing it in the toilet. It is frustrating when all the advice is ‘don’t force them’ but all the gentle encouragement gets us no where. I just want my almost 6yo to not be scared to shit in a toilet! (The same one she wee’s in everyday!?) so not much advice but I sympathise.

Mylaferret · 04/02/2023 19:34

NoGoodUsernamee · 04/02/2023 19:30

OP don’t feel bad for sending her to her room, yes you know it’s counterproductive but the holier than thou posts on this thread… parents are human to and when you feel like your child is being needlessly unreasonable it is frustrating. You made a mistake she won’t be scared for life 🙄 Reminds me a little of my eldest dd (5) although not to the same degree as your dd. She can be very sensitive/scared of things but then very confident in other ways. She still does ‘no 2s’ in a nappy because she’s terrified of doing it in the toilet. It is frustrating when all the advice is ‘don’t force them’ but all the gentle encouragement gets us no where. I just want my almost 6yo to not be scared to shit in a toilet! (The same one she wee’s in everyday!?) so not much advice but I sympathise.

Probably because you can't gently encourage a child out of a disability. Not saying your kid is disabled but it's a reasonable assumption that she may not be neurotypical. It's your job as a parent to deal with the child you have according to their needs, not the child you wish you had.

Luredbyapomegranate · 04/02/2023 19:42

That sounds very trying, but she is only 4 - she doesn’t understand money really so no point giving her a hard time about that, especially as obviously that’s not what bothers you.

You will need a proper graduated process to move her out of this, and if you can possibly afford it, I’d go and see a child psychologist and work with them on a plan. This may simply be a phase, or she may always be anxious, but it can improve.

If you can’t, go see your Gp and try and persuade them to refer (will take a long time) and in the meantime do some reading on children and anxiety and DIY a plan with her father.

It may also be worth getting her assessed for ASD although there is no massive reason to assume it is.

Sparkleshine21 · 04/02/2023 19:43

Just to add about my autistic dd mentioned upthread..yes she is also very sensitive, was scared of everything at school and had sensory overload. She is now home schooled

PennyRa · 04/02/2023 19:43

Have you taken her to the doctor?

Luredbyapomegranate · 04/02/2023 19:45

Mylaferret · 04/02/2023 19:34

Probably because you can't gently encourage a child out of a disability. Not saying your kid is disabled but it's a reasonable assumption that she may not be neurotypical. It's your job as a parent to deal with the child you have according to their needs, not the child you wish you had.

Show quote history

It’s a bit of a leap to assume she is disabled from what the OP has said.

She might be, of course, and it’s worth checking out. But statistically she is more likely to be suffering from anxiety or a exhibiting some challenging behaviours as kids do with food for example.

Isthisexpected · 04/02/2023 19:48

What are you doing to support her to label her feelings when you see she is experiencing a shift in emotional state? Any books or parenting classes you're drawing on?

It sounds like you made a bad financial decision and are taking it out on a toddler.

Heartsandbirds · 04/02/2023 19:49

I’d also add considering autism. I was a similar child and have always been hypersensitive to things. I finally got a diagnosis last year at 42. My life would have been much easier if it had been picked up earlier. Worth considering for your DD? If she was found to be ND it would give you strategies for coping and also for managing expectations - ie just avoiding those things that stress her where that’s feasible. FWIW my DS (5) is autistic too and can be very reactive to things. I’ve learned to just take them away/reduce exposure as far as possible and have trained myself to be extraordinarily (what seems OTT) kind when he’s reacting and I just want to scream. Obviously I lose it sometimes but it’s remarkable what a difference it makes of I can practice super-gentleness.

AlwaysGinPlease · 04/02/2023 19:53

Zooeyzo · 04/02/2023 19:00

My 7 year old DD is like this. Today she told me to cut her grapes incase she chokes and dies. I don't understand it but I just keep reassuring her.

You should be doing that! You don't?

gemloving · 04/02/2023 19:54

She sounds very sensitive and I appreciate it can be hard to understand but I wouldn't punish her, I personally don't think it's fair. Have you spoken to a child psychologist about this and explored this further? I don't think it's neurotypical, so would definitely speak to the GP. You could potentially go private if you have the resources.

Mylaferret · 04/02/2023 19:54

Luredbyapomegranate · 04/02/2023 19:45

It’s a bit of a leap to assume she is disabled from what the OP has said.

She might be, of course, and it’s worth checking out. But statistically she is more likely to be suffering from anxiety or a exhibiting some challenging behaviours as kids do with food for example.

Show quote history

Chronic anxiety can be a disability and a lot of children with asd/adhd can have sensory and food issues. Either way, having a go at her and sending her to her room for something she can't help is not great, to say the least. Even if she is NT, she's 3. If my dc at 3 was scared, whether i thought they should be or not, my first instinct was always to offer a cuddle so they could calm down before we talked about what they were scared of. Not give them a row and send them to their room for things they have no concept of - money being wasted, for example.

BaroldandNedmund · 04/02/2023 20:10

My mum still tells me off for screaming when I have a fright. I’m 50 and she’s 83🙂. I’m autistic and scared of my own shadow.

Zooeyzo · 04/02/2023 20:16

@AlwaysGinPlease I do it and always have. But she always has to tell me as well as she's very fearful and asks me all the time about which foods could get stuck. It gives me anxiety when she talks about it which I have to hide.

Original poster
MiMouse · 04/02/2023 20:19

A lot of you are have brought up autism. While I cannot rule it out completely because DD is still so young and I know ASD can present itself in different ways, she shows no other symptoms. She's also not particularly quiet or shy.

Part of why this is so frustrating is that her fears seem to be so unpredictable. She can love a song or a picture or a game for weeks, wanting to see / hear it every day, and then suddenly be terrified. She cannot express why or what scares her exactly: it is just scary and she doesn't like it. I do think she has a very vivid imagination - her pretend play scenarios are often epic.

OP posts:
Sparkleshine21 · 04/02/2023 20:21

My daughter wasn’t and isn’t typically autistic - she is vocal, has friends, isn’t shy and likes social situations on her own terms. In fact a lot of her autistic traits only started to show after the age of four, interestingly!

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 04/02/2023 20:21

Is she autistic? I was like this as a kid (still am about certain things) even big empty spaces used to scare me as a kid.