AIBU to be annoyed with my fearful DD

[MiMouse]

OK, not sure what I want with this thread, but I need to get this off my chest. I know I am being unreasonable, but my kid is driving me up the wall. She will be 4 this month, and she is afraid of the most random things. Everything is scary. I can never play any of the music I like because it is "scary" (believe me - I have the most basic taste in music), stories are scary (we're still reading Dear Zoo and Where's Spot - even something like The Tiger Who Came to Tea is too scary, let alone any Julia Donaldson), the playground is scary... She just seems to have so much anxiety. Anyway, today I bought her a dvd box of the one tv show she loves -she asked for it and I thought it'd make her happy- but she's terrified of the menu screen (again, I have no idea why) and refuses to watch it, getting herself into a panic if I even come near the tv now. I gave her a row for making me spend money on something that she now doesn't want anymore, and sent her to her room. I know it is counterproductive, but I am just out of patience. I have tried to be understanding for so long, but I was never like this as a kid and I have no idea where it is coming from (no traumas or big events in her life, am happily married to her dad, no tensions in the family, neither her dad nor I are stressed or have anxiety).

It may well make her worse.

My dd like this largely grew out of it, but in her teens remains highly sensitive to noise and busyness. Still hates airport waiting areas, for example. I found explaining what was going to happen in advance, maybe even having a practice run with her attached to me like a limpet, making it clear I was calm and everything was ok all helped.

No diagnosis here - I think she’s learned how to handle things she’s not comfortable with by using the approaches I used with her (research beforehand, practice run etc).

Is she actually scared of things or do they just 'jar'. I have sensory issues and have eg walked into a room and audibly recoiled at horrible wallpaper or shrieked at a sudden movement or smell. Also have a bit of blu tac with me to cover 'offensive' lights on work PCs. I once had to put a poncho over my head and run through the duty free at the airport as the competing perfumes smells were 'assauting' my senses. It is an unpleasant sensation and I can certainly relate to a 'scary' menu. It's a similar emotional feeling to getting a bucket of water thrown in your face.
Maybe she just doesn't have the vocabulary to explain. Have you noticed any other unusual behaviors?

Why? Autism isn’t a bad thing.

Woooaaa. YANBU for feeling frustrated- it sounds infuriating, but YAB vvvv u to have sent her to her room. She has done absolutely nothing wrong and you are shaming her and punishing her for having her own emotions. That’s emotional abuse. You need to do some damage control. Start but acknowledging how wrong you were and apologise. A pp was spot on when they said you need to parent the child you haveZ Perhaps look into some parenting resources for parenting a hyper sensitive child.

I shriek when the microwave pings even though I'm actually watching it.

My niece is like this, I can understand why you got frustrated op I would as well.

I personally wouldn't enable the anxiety by allowing her to avoid everything she's scared of. The only way she's going to learn to manage anxiety is by exposure and understanding she can manage these feelings.

I'd also be looking for ways to build her confidence.

She's scared, OP. Believe her. She finds the unknown very scary. She finds sudden noise scary. Turn the tv down a bit, reassure her.

I understand losing your patience, but YABU to row with a 4yr old and send them to their room after guilting them about spending money on something they didn’t like but couldn’t possibly know if they would like it ahead of time!! Really! You should have apologised to her for accidentally buying something that scared her. You need to be her safe and trusted person if she is going to get confidence.

4yr olds often are either fearful or fearless. I have had both. They both come with challenges. The fearful one would be afraid they’d gets sucked down the plug hole so refused to take a shower or be in the bath when you pull the plug. The fearless one went to the seaside and decided to run straight into the waves and fought me when I picked them up, saying the waves will knock you over! It’s why some 4yr olds are in harnesses on leads and others are holding their parents hands like glue.

You have a fearful 4yr old and the tactic I found that worked best was to keep to the comfort zone and only add one small new thing a day. Like at the playground, the swing is much too scary…so day 1, we just hold onto the swing and push it a bit while empty. Next visit, mum acts all silly with the swing. Next visit, child brings a doll to put in the swing. Then child sits in swing. Then gently swing while holding doll.

Trust me, the fearful ones don’t stay that way forever, just like the fearless ones don’t either. They gravitate to an equilibrium of sorts around age 7 or so.

My DD was like this from about 18months. Scared of all sorts of random everyday things like walking on grass and crossing the road. Some things have been fine one day (book, TV programme, certain route to school) and then suddenly she is scared- and it's full on terrified. She is 9 now and manages her worries much better as she is more often able to rationalize with herself or discuss feelings in more depth with us. I would describe her now as very risk averse and with a heightened sense of danger - so she wouldn't walk on the canal towpath for example, but could watch a TV programme where someone does that without getting scared. She likes school-, lots of rules, predictable timetable etc. And has lots of friends at school and her sports club. Never assessed/diagnosed with anything. I sometimes feel like I need the patience of a Saint but I would say for us it's got easier over time and we have never dismissed her feelings of being scared but have tried to support her to address the fears where possible.

Would recommend reading 'the highly sensitive child' and 'why smart kids worry and what parents can do to help'.

@MiMouse "I gave her a row for making me spend money on something that she now doesn't want anymore, and sent her to her room."

OUCH! I had that when I was a child. I still feel terrible guilt for making my parent get me something (I am now nearly 40!)

I want to know how she knows she is "scared". Try getting her to tell you what exactly is scary about it. She may not know. Don't punish emotions, please!

Validate that it must be awful if she is scared and still push through and don't shy away from things she is scared of. She will learn to avoid things and that is so damaging longer-term.

Good luck!

It depends why she is like it. If she is ND then she won’t just get used to it.

I think your daughter may be autistic.

Don't punish her. You'll look back and kick yourself. Life really is scary to her. Have her back.

My DC is a little like this, she’s very sensitive to emotional drama, Finding Nemo was a DISASTER. She gets upset with DH and I “argue” ie, I say I’d like Thai for dinner and he says he fancies Indian, the emotion is too much for her. We tend to not change behavior but briefly explain that we’re discussing not arguing. She decided she was afraid of dogs after previously loving and having no negative interaction. Initially we talked about it a lot and got nowhere, so started just ignoring when she shrieked and hid and started a joke with her that they must be baby wolves if they were so scary (she enjoys), while also having small positive interactions with a couple of very gentle old dogs she knows well. She is fine now, but took about 8 weeks for the full cycle. Might be that the attention to the fears are reinforcing them, it’s certainly the case with my DC.

Do you think you can find it in yourself to have a little more patience? It must be frustrating not to have an easy child, but perhaps she will reward you in ways you do not expect? Just try to make her feel loved and that you are interested in her and see where it goes.

To quote my favourite Thomas the Tank film, "being brave is not the same as not being scared, it's about what we do even when we do feel scared"!

I had/have a sensitive boy. For god sake don't think Stick Man is a good Christmas Eve watch. My husband came home and wondered what the hell I'd done to him!

I'd say it will probably pass but I share your frustration. Easier said than done but try to attach as little attention as possible to any of it.

Just "okay we'll turn it off for now". Or very matter of fact "the lion is just a drawing but let's look at this one".
Being scared gets her attention even if it's not good attention and sometimes, especially at bed time, they'll do anything to stretch out going to sleep.

Trying to rationalise the irrational is a losing battle so just 'i understand it worries you but these books are meant to be silly, a tiger won't really come for tea" and move on.

I just want to give you a bit more support here OP, it must be really tedious and hard to deal with this. My DS is 3 and is terrified of hand dryers and that alone drives me mad so I can’t imagine having that for so many things. At least your DD doesn’t loudly exclaim “mummy, please don’t make the loud noise in the toilet” every time you use a bathroom in public.

*My niece is like this, I can understand why you got frustrated op I would as well.

I personally wouldn't enable the anxiety by allowing her to avoid everything she's scared of. The only way she's going to learn to manage anxiety is by exposure and understanding she can manage these feelings

I'd also be looking for ways to build her confidenc*

This doesn’t work for ASD tbough. They need calming and soothing. Making them confront can make it worse:

Bloody hell I get why you feel frustrated, but to berate and send away a terrified 3 year old is emotionally abusive. You are going to make her sensitivity and fear even worse at this rate. Get outside help for the two of you before you do your DD anymore harm.

What is that supposed to mean?

I think The Tiger who came to Tea IS quite scary. She's still only three. Book Trust says it's suitable for children from 2 to 8.

Thinking back, I must have done my poor mum’s head in! I was terrified of the dark (ok, a common one) also the shower (all the noise and the water), the aforementioned vacuum cleaner gave me pain (the noise). Loads of things really. Plus I could get lost in a sealed cupboard, and extremely poor navigational sense plus sensory things going on tends to mean anxiety/scariness is just my daily background noise. None of my sensitivities have entirely gone away, but some aren’t as intense now. Also, I know it’s fine to do things like use noise reducing earbuds, for instance so that cars backfiring and motorbikes accelerating don’t make me leap out of my skin. Maybe experiment with manageable ways to turn down some sensory things and see if this makes them less scary? Even to the contrast and colour on the TV?

She could just be sensitive, some kids are especially when they’re young.

Bit I’d keep ASD in mind. My daughter got diagnosed as a teen but was always extremely sensitive. Obviously there were other things over the years but not til everything came to a head as a teen, did I ever think autism and realise the extreme sensitivity was part of her autism. She masked incredibly well, still does when necessary.

I was always very patient with her which now realising she was struggling with autism, I’m so thankful I was now. Hope she’s ok. And you too, it can be hard dealing with a sensitive child regardless of the reasons.

My DD is now 7. She has never watched a whole film as she couldn't manage it. She has shrieked and bawled through parts of the Julia Donaldson adaptions and Paddington, before we had to turn it off. When she was younger she could not handle hand dryers or food processors. She also hated you even looking at her when she hurt herself. You literally had to ignore her.

In her case she is NT, just sensitive to certain things. She is slowly outgrowing them. Noise is no longer an issue, but choice of TV, films and books are, although she is starting to read more age appropriate books.