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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with my fearful DD

115 replies

MiMouse · 04/02/2023 18:40

OK, not sure what I want with this thread, but I need to get this off my chest. I know I am being unreasonable, but my kid is driving me up the wall. She will be 4 this month, and she is afraid of the most random things. Everything is scary. I can never play any of the music I like because it is "scary" (believe me - I have the most basic taste in music), stories are scary (we're still reading Dear Zoo and Where's Spot - even something like The Tiger Who Came to Tea is too scary, let alone any Julia Donaldson), the playground is scary... She just seems to have so much anxiety. Anyway, today I bought her a dvd box of the one tv show she loves -she asked for it and I thought it'd make her happy- but she's terrified of the menu screen (again, I have no idea why) and refuses to watch it, getting herself into a panic if I even come near the tv now. I gave her a row for making me spend money on something that she now doesn't want anymore, and sent her to her room. I know it is counterproductive, but I am just out of patience. I have tried to be understanding for so long, but I was never like this as a kid and I have no idea where it is coming from (no traumas or big events in her life, am happily married to her dad, no tensions in the family, neither her dad nor I are stressed or have anxiety).

OP posts:
Everydayimhuffling · 05/02/2023 10:36

Newly 4 year old DD is like this. We do a mixture of choosing the peril-free options and working through with lots of reassurance and breaks if possible. It is frustrating at times. Doing/experiencing the scary thing with support and reassurance helps, but also does it really matter if she doesn't watch films apart from one safe one at 4? Probably not.

I was very disappointed that she missed most of the play that I took her to. It was a book we own and she likes, so really seemed like it would be fine. I had to really push myself to remember that it was for her and not for me. But she sat through (hiding her face mostly), and managed to watch the end with lots of talking through to get her to that point.

I was also like this as a child. No neurodiversity as far as I know, but I still don't watch or read horror and prefer gentler films etc. As an adult no one cares that I have a preference. Most people do, one way or another.

StripeyDeckchair · 05/02/2023 10:58

Shes 4

She's spent half (or more) of her life in lock down

Don't shout at her, poor little one, help build her confidence.

zingally · 05/02/2023 11:50

A close friends son was the same. Even into school age. He got scared and cried when the teacher put on an episode of Numblocks when he was 5/6!

He didn't get a lot of sympathy I'm afraid. If something "scary" came on at home, he got a shrug and a "you can go to your room if you want". Even his little brother got to the stage of side-eyeing him like "what a wimp". He did eventually grow out of it when he was 7-8 sort of age. But I think it was mostly peer pressure that toughened him up a bit. He's 11 now and watches/does anything.

Cheeseandlobster · 05/02/2023 12:23

plumduck · 04/02/2023 19:02

Get some books about emotions. Please don't teach her it's wrong to be scared. It's all about how she manages it.

This. I was an anxious child and my parents handled it horribly. I used to get upset stomachs from it and they would tell me if I carried on I would die from bowel cancer like grandma Ruth. You need to listen to why she is scared and help her to rationalise her fear and work through it. Punishing her for being afraid is not the way and she will remember it if you continue to do this

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 05/02/2023 13:10

zingally · 05/02/2023 11:50

A close friends son was the same. Even into school age. He got scared and cried when the teacher put on an episode of Numblocks when he was 5/6!

He didn't get a lot of sympathy I'm afraid. If something "scary" came on at home, he got a shrug and a "you can go to your room if you want". Even his little brother got to the stage of side-eyeing him like "what a wimp". He did eventually grow out of it when he was 7-8 sort of age. But I think it was mostly peer pressure that toughened him up a bit. He's 11 now and watches/does anything.

I bet the anxiety returns in adolescence.

Theh appear to ‘grow out of it’ in late childhood. But it reappears at 15 or 16.

TheSnowyOwl · 05/02/2023 13:27

zingally · 05/02/2023 11:50

A close friends son was the same. Even into school age. He got scared and cried when the teacher put on an episode of Numblocks when he was 5/6!

He didn't get a lot of sympathy I'm afraid. If something "scary" came on at home, he got a shrug and a "you can go to your room if you want". Even his little brother got to the stage of side-eyeing him like "what a wimp". He did eventually grow out of it when he was 7-8 sort of age. But I think it was mostly peer pressure that toughened him up a bit. He's 11 now and watches/does anything.

Or maybe he internalises it, masks very well, and will fall apart later when it’s all too much for him to carry on trying to pretend he copes.

bagelbagelbagel · 05/02/2023 13:32

Interesting to see the lack of empathy from apparently allistic parents on here vs the empathy from the neurodiverse parents. And they think we're robots...

chipshopElvis · 05/02/2023 13:40

Sorry another here who says it sounds like my DS who is now 13 and pretty much will not watch any TV or films, can't handle mild peril (but loves gaming, where he is in control). He is autistic, the only tv programes he has liked in the past were on CBeebies.

TheSnowyOwl · 05/02/2023 13:42

bagelbagelbagel · 05/02/2023 13:32

Interesting to see the lack of empathy from apparently allistic parents on here vs the empathy from the neurodiverse parents. And they think we're robots...

Yes, I thought the same.

PaperDreamsHoney · 05/02/2023 13:54

This was my daughter at this age. Like you, I thought autism didn't fit, but lo and behold, she was diagnosed when she was 10. The using the word 'scary' for things when it might not be the right word stands out to me - my daughter described every negative emotion as 'cross' until she was about 8. Sensory sensitivities are tricky things - sometimes they're obvious and other times they're really hard to pinpoint. Maybe have a read about autism in girls - when I read up about how different it can look I realised there were actually loads of signs, I just didn't know what to look for.

LayliP · 05/02/2023 14:19

Zooeyzo · 04/02/2023 19:00

My 7 year old DD is like this. Today she told me to cut her grapes incase she chokes and dies. I don't understand it but I just keep reassuring her.

Smart girl really

Jobsharenightmare · 05/02/2023 19:42

She can love a song or a picture or a game for weeks, wanting to see / hear it every day, and then suddenly be terrified.

^
It's quite clear you don't know about the huge range of ways neuro or sensory issues can present. The above fixation on something only to completely drop it can be very common, not just in inanimate objects but hobbies and friendships too. You can also be bubbly and not shy or quiet. My step child was super bubbly despite ASD.

This may or may not relate to SEN but maybe fear is the only way she can express herself. She's not even four. Her emotionally vocabulary will be limited and she'll only know the emotions you help her label.

MissMaple82 · 05/02/2023 22:22

takealettermsjones · 04/02/2023 18:59

It sounds hard work but I'm not sure what your thinking was behind telling her off and sending her to her room. Now she's scared of the stuff and scared of telling you.

Can you speak to your health visitor or early years teacher for advice? They might think something like play therapy could help her?

There was no thinking, she lost patience... I'm sure you've lost your patience once or twice !

takealettermsjones · 06/02/2023 11:44

MissMaple82 · 05/02/2023 22:22

There was no thinking, she lost patience... I'm sure you've lost your patience once or twice !

Show quote history

Okay. I didn't think it was clear from the OP whether she had simply lost patience or had decided that was enough and it was time to use punishments instead of understanding, if you see what I mean.

I am of course far from perfect but I have never shouted at/sent away a scared child.

DuchessOfEndor · 06/02/2023 11:57

As an autistic adult who grew up being punished for sensitivities I couldn't help, you are being unreasonable. You recognize that this is not normal behavior and did not have an identifiable cause. Be the parent your daughter needs and get her checked out by a professional. Your daughter is not the kid you were expecting to have and you are struggling with that. Get yourself some therapy, do what you need to do, but stop taking it out on her, and stop blowing off her difficulties because you think they are ridiculous.

I grew up with parents who punished me for not being a normal kid and never tried to understand me and we were all miserable, and now I'm estranged from them as it's the only way to protect myself from being punished for things I can't help.

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