AIBU to be annoyed with my fearful DD

[MiMouse]

OK, not sure what I want with this thread, but I need to get this off my chest. I know I am being unreasonable, but my kid is driving me up the wall. She will be 4 this month, and she is afraid of the most random things. Everything is scary. I can never play any of the music I like because it is "scary" (believe me - I have the most basic taste in music), stories are scary (we're still reading Dear Zoo and Where's Spot - even something like The Tiger Who Came to Tea is too scary, let alone any Julia Donaldson), the playground is scary... She just seems to have so much anxiety. Anyway, today I bought her a dvd box of the one tv show she loves -she asked for it and I thought it'd make her happy- but she's terrified of the menu screen (again, I have no idea why) and refuses to watch it, getting herself into a panic if I even come near the tv now. I gave her a row for making me spend money on something that she now doesn't want anymore, and sent her to her room. I know it is counterproductive, but I am just out of patience. I have tried to be understanding for so long, but I was never like this as a kid and I have no idea where it is coming from (no traumas or big events in her life, am happily married to her dad, no tensions in the family, neither her dad nor I are stressed or have anxiety).

"She can love a song or a picture or a game for weeks, wanting to see / hear it every day, and then suddenly be terrified"

This is an autistic trait, as is huge imagination.

@MiMouse by saying, it doesn't sound neurotypical, I didn't mean autism but something. You don't always get a clear diagnosis but maybe some help and understanding. I have a 4 year old and almost 2 year old and feel for you, I'd find it very tough to manage.

This list was hugely helpful in helping me recognise my own traits

the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist/

Out of interest, where did she actually pick up the concept of 'scarey'? It almost sounds like something she's just picked up somewhere and started associating everything with.

Ha ha ha “mild peril” takes on a whole new meaning when you have a child like this OP!!

Children don’t need to be “taught” scary to feel fear.

At her age she has been through a pandemic and lockdown. Surely that will have had some impact.

But how is she quantifying it? What is 'scarey' about a few words on a screen before a show she loves starts?

That sounds like me as a child. I was scared of everything then ashamed of being scared of everything. Had lots of therapy as an adult over growing up being told to stop being so “pathetic” and “neurotic” and feeling so useless.

Turns out I’m autistic.

@bunhead1979 do you have male autistic family members? My 7 year old DD is fearful of everything and her younger brother is autistic. I think she probably is as well and just make adjustments for her. But like a lot of girls is under the radar...highly intelligent, social to an extent, extremely empathetic and very sensitive. She really is the best person I know I want to wrap her in cotton wool.

My DD aged 4 is similar. Any loud noise, she screams and asks for her ear muffs, anything on tv that she sees is scary has her shouting at the TV or hiding behind the sofa - I'm talking about the episode of hey duggee where the characters baby sit Duggees crying nephew, and any episode of Bing where a character does something wrong......
She won't read any of the 'dinosaur who pooped...' books because in the one she read the dinosaur ate the grandmother (and pooped her out again) and this it apparently terrifying.... My ds thinks it's hilarious.

It drives me mad, and I'm constantly biting my tongue because I get very frustrated with her but... I really try hard not to react (I'm not always successful but I'm more aware of it no w).

She has started to improve slowly. We offer reassurance but continue with whatever task it is - we rarely stop the noise or change the TV program so she knows that screaming doesn't get the outcome that she wants. She gets lots of praise for taking any risks, especially if she makes a mistake while doing it - she was devastated when she accidentally broke an egg on the work top (we were making a cake), I think she expected me to tell her off but I laughed and offered lots of reassurance and praised her for helping to clear up the mess. She now asks to help with cracking eggs.

My sister, brother and nephew are autistic so it's highly likely DD has some traits but for the moment we are focusing on the positives and hopefully reducing her anxieties.

@ShakespearesBlister it might not actually be scary - it’s just the only way she knows how to describe her feelings as she’s four. My daughter will say something that is too much sensory wise as ‘scary’ as it increases her heart rate annd makes her feel uncomfortable and so she deems that word appropriate.

Autistic children aren’t necessarily quiet or shy. They are just like every other child in that respect; some quiet, some not.

Loving the same thing every day is also a trait. I would recommend you speak to someone who understands autism in girls as it can be very different to the stereotypes you read about and how it presents to girls. The Autistic Girls Network can be useful and there are webinars as well that will give you further information. Girls are very good at masking and learning how they should behave so it’s not so obvious.

@Quail15 that's exactly my dd7 but also my autistic son who's 4. We can't watch peppa pig unless he can control it on the tablet because it might be the episode where peppa or mummy pig fall down. Or in dugee if one of the characters is scared by a dinosaur. He's not very verbal but extremely sensitive and empathetic.

@Quail15 please don’t try to change her, she can’t help it and these kind of feelings and difficulties she has can’t be praised or punished out of her. All she’s learning is that you don’t like that part of her, a huge reason why autistic girls are better at masking and don’t feel able to be their full selves around their family.

I have been wondering if "scary" really means "scary". She seems to use it for negative emotions or sensations in general.

And yes, she's been through a pandemic, but compared to most families I think we had it easy. Both her dad and I are key workers, no front line stuff but not able to work from home, and she just went to nursery.

No autism in the family. I read the list @bagelbagelbagel , and it really doesn't resonate aside from perhaps a few things. Then again, she's only 4 - not even 4.

No one was diagnosed at the time but my dad and brother are very probably autistic.

@Quail15 read @bunhead1979 s comment about how she was treated as an autistic child and how that made her feel, and then please adjust your behaviour with your dd before you do her damage.

All the things you describe in your post fit perfectly with ASD. Of course, your DD could just be highly sensitive, but please don't rule out autism just because she doesn't come across as quiet or shy.

I was diagnosed autistic in my twenties but came across as a very confident child. I performed in school plays and at the local theatre, happily read in glass and regularly had playdates and loved parties. I also had an incredibly vivid imagination and could play alone for hours on my own.

As an adult I struggle with sleep as my imagination gets away with me - often to the point of anxiety attacks although these are better controlled than they were. I also hyper-focus on things for several days/weeks and then dismiss it completely and won't look at it again for months (if ever). Often things I used to love overwhelm me, and sometimes it flips the other way - things I was terrified of suddenly appeal hugely.

The fear of (what seems like) really basic things could be sensory overload that she can't explain verbally. As a child, I hated having my hair touched/played with, wearing socks, the texture of bananas and the smell of chicken. I couldn't explain why - but in my head it was just an overload of the senses to the point I couldn't cope. Interestingly as an adult, I still hate wearing socks and having my hair played with, but I love banana sandwiches

Too much reassurance can enforce that she is right to be scared of something.

I too wonder if this is being reinforced as it gets her attention.

I would be more matter of fact. She can read or watch what kids TV programmes she wants. But I would not entertain her being frightened of ordinary music. I would play it lowish and if she does not like it, she can go to her room. Avoiding ordinary things that makes her anxious will make her worse.

My dd was like this. Scared of lots, wouldn’t sleep on her own.

Later diagnosed as ASD.

School will sort her out. But will be a rude awakening

@Mariposista 🤦🏼‍♀️ she’s not doing anything wrong ffs!

And losing temper/shouting just made everything worse.

It might not. It might be traumatic and psychologically cause all kinds of harm. School might also say she can’t manage mainstream in a way others can and adapt for her. A good school will pick up on any sensory concerns or autistic traits and work with her to ensure it’s not a rude awakening.