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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think weddings are out of control?

108 replies

Sourpuss93 · 03/02/2023 21:28

I am approaching 30 and so have lots of friends who are getting married, but it feels like each hen party/wedding is more extravagant than the last. Don't get me wrong, if you're happy to cover costs.. go all out! But what I think is unreasonable is the level of involvement expected from bridesmaids/guests.

I am currently involved with two of my friends hen parties, both of which have two legs, one leg abroad and one leg at home for those who can't make it abroad (those who are going abroad will also attend home hen party).

For the first friend - We have been asked to cover the brides share of the abroad leg, which I think is a pisstake, but have kept quiet as I believe this is standard practice. For the home leg, it's a spa day followed by a night out. We have been asked to cover the brides share of the spa day, buy a 90s theme outfit for the night out, oh and each of us bring a gift for the bride. The second friend is a very similar situation, which makes me wonder if this is just what is expected these days.

AIBU to think this is a f**cking joke? I am just a guest (not part of the wedding party) and will have spent around £1k before I have even attended the wedding (wedding will be another outfit, another gift, transport, alcohol etc..) I have a friend who is struggling financially and is worrying about the cost, I am not struggling financially but I think it is ridiculous out of principle. Other than that, everyone seems to be OK with the costs/happy to pay for bride.. what do you all think?

OP posts:
Galadriel90 · 03/02/2023 21:30

It's your friends making these decisions and demands though. Not 'weddings'. I've been to a lot of weddings and hens and none are as you described at all.

pizzaHeart · 03/02/2023 21:34

I agree with @Galadriel90 that these are your friends’ choices not traditions. And it was always like this some people were more extravagant then others, some had small weddings - some huge.

TedMullins · 03/02/2023 21:35

That’s ridiculous. But you need to speak up and say you can’t afford it/will only be partaking in the home leg/can’t cover the bride. I wouldn’t be agreeing to this. My friends are showing no signs of getting married but I’ve already told them if they have a hen do that’s going to cost more than £100 they can count me out!

Neededanewuserhandle · 03/02/2023 21:36

Galadriel90 · 03/02/2023 21:30

It's your friends making these decisions and demands though. Not 'weddings'. I've been to a lot of weddings and hens and none are as you described at all.

Yeah - only the out of control ones are out of control - it's unlucky when it affects you but not everyone is doing this.

Original poster
Sourpuss93 · 03/02/2023 21:37

Perhaps I should have titled ‘Are hen parties out of control’…

@Galadriel90 Out of curiosity, what is the standard hen party practice amongst your friends? The two leg and covering bride seems standard in my friend circles.

@pizzaHeart I understand some people will have small, some huge, but I just think it’s unreasonable to push your extravagant costs on to others.

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 03/02/2023 21:38

Yanbu, it's obscene. But you don't have to go along with it oc.

CrispAppleStrudels · 03/02/2023 21:44

Sourpuss93 · 03/02/2023 21:37

Perhaps I should have titled ‘Are hen parties out of control’…

@Galadriel90 Out of curiosity, what is the standard hen party practice amongst your friends? The two leg and covering bride seems standard in my friend circles.

@pizzaHeart I understand some people will have small, some huge, but I just think it’s unreasonable to push your extravagant costs on to others.

I've been to 3 hen parties in the last few years plus my own. All for brides in early 30s. None were overseas, all were a day activity (brunch, workshop type activity, spa activity etc) then dinner + drinks + dancing. All were in London (where most of the brides live) so people coming from out of London either stayed at the home of the bride in spare rooms / on airbeds etc or booked a hotel. I thought that was more standard?

Standard practice was to split the brides cost between the rest of the hens. No gifts requested. One of them did have a vague dress code but not theme - think more along the lines of what colour to wear.

I def would not be agreeing to any oversea hen dos!

plumduck · 03/02/2023 21:44

Don't go then. No one forced you to spend that much. That's £1000 you've wasted that could have helped pay down your mortgage.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 03/02/2023 21:45

It's insane but you can just say no?

It would be an easy no chance from me 🤷‍♀️

WandaWonder · 03/02/2023 21:46

Just say no!! Yes it is possible

Coasterfan · 03/02/2023 21:51

I think it depends on your friendship group? I have never come across this although i am in my 40s so maybe it has become more out of control over time? My sister got married a few years ago, her hen was three nights in this country. When we booked it I suggested we all covered her share, but the others said they couldn’t afford to do that which was absolutely fine, me and our mum covered her part. The last hen I went to was in 2017, a butlins 90s weekend and the bride to be paid for herself, we bought hen do t shirts and Tutus, nothing excessive. All the others I have been to have just been local nights out.

Arrrrrrragghhh · 03/02/2023 21:53

I do think some people have a bit of money and are looking for a reason to have a nice holiday. Hen do seems like a good enough reason. It’s really easy if there’s a couple of you that think like that to assume everyone else wants to do the same.

I like travel and so do my closest friends. They suggested a weekend away too and it all got quite exciting . It was only reading the constant MN threads on how much people hated the expense and seeing other friends faces drop that I decided against it. We all went to a local bar and I had more friends turn up than came to my 30th. Really good fun.

Original poster
Sourpuss93 · 03/02/2023 21:54

I am genuinely surprised to hear the abroad hen parties are not standard. Every hen party I have been involved with has been abroad, same goes for my OH and stag parties. A day/weekend in this country covering hen is much more reasonable.

Obviously I can say no, but I have always felt a certain pressure to attend as no one else seems to be phased by it. I have some rethinking to do..

OP posts:
LibrariansGiveUsPower · 03/02/2023 21:55

Your title should be “are hen parties getting out of control”

If that, then YANBU

EmmaEmerald · 03/02/2023 21:57

I guess these things don't change
I was in the same position years ago and was told by a few friends that they were "disappointed" or they offered to loan money, which was even more awkward.

if people want to spend that, fine, but no one should expect it. Sadly, if you want to be diplomatic, you need to say that you "can't" afford it. When loans were offered, I started by saying I didn't want to get into debt, but then changed it to "I don't know when I'll be able to pay you back" which seemed more useful.

Abcdefu · 03/02/2023 21:58

Sourpuss93 · 03/02/2023 21:54

I am genuinely surprised to hear the abroad hen parties are not standard. Every hen party I have been involved with has been abroad, same goes for my OH and stag parties. A day/weekend in this country covering hen is much more reasonable.

Obviously I can say no, but I have always felt a certain pressure to attend as no one else seems to be phased by it. I have some rethinking to do..

I'm the same as you,every hen involves a flight somewhere and their home hen,of course.

Also expected to attend the "hag' and day 2...

EmmaEmerald · 03/02/2023 21:58

Sourpuss93 · 03/02/2023 21:54

I am genuinely surprised to hear the abroad hen parties are not standard. Every hen party I have been involved with has been abroad, same goes for my OH and stag parties. A day/weekend in this country covering hen is much more reasonable.

Obviously I can say no, but I have always felt a certain pressure to attend as no one else seems to be phased by it. I have some rethinking to do..

Well, they won't be "standard" as most people can't afford them. But the ones I turned down were racking up huge bills in the UK.

FunnysInLaJardin · 03/02/2023 21:59

I am vair old, but 25 years ago when we got married our hen and stag parties were at local restaurants where everyone paid for themselves. Then we got married the next day and had a 3 day honeymoon at Rick Steins in Padstow as DH is a teacher.

I realise that last bit was specific to me, but illustrates that it used to be far more low key!

strawberry2017 · 03/02/2023 22:01

I would politely decline anything like this.
It's their wedding - why should it cost ME a fortune!

RDAnna · 03/02/2023 22:02

The maid of honour, or whomever is planning the hen, should be checking budgets and be sensitive to people's financial situations before making ridiculous requests. It's nice to pay for the bride so I don't think that's unreasonable. What I do think is unreasonable is to be completely out of touch with what people can afford.

Starllight · 03/02/2023 22:02

Completely agree that it’s a pisstake. It seems to be the done thing now to have two hen dos plus paying for the brides share. I honestly don’t know how they can feel comfortable knowing their friends are so out of pocket. It’s as if they forget that no one cares about their wedding as much as they do!

Over the last few years I’ve wondered if people would have such extravagant hen dos etc if it wasn’t for Instagram and Facebook. In my opinion it’s keeping up with the Jones’.

The same people will then have an expectation to have a massive baby shower, gender reveal etc

cosmiccosmos · 03/02/2023 22:02

Yes I think it's ridiculous but then stag do's have always been big spends - weekends away, shooting etc. Hen do's have just 'caught up'.

No, I wouldn't and never have spent money on Hen do's like this. More than a weekend with my family?! No thanks. Plus then all the wedding costs. It's just all a bit mad!

chipsandpeas · 03/02/2023 22:02

YABU yes its a pisstake but you have the option of declining to go

plumduck · 03/02/2023 22:03

Obviously I can say no, but I have always felt a certain pressure to attend as no one else seems to be phased by it. I have some rethinking to do..

They might be but also saving face, or they think oh I did it for that friend not thinking I'd have to do it another 10 times. You might find that by saying no others go actually me neither. That or who cares? They might be willing to waste their cash.

Heli1copter · 03/02/2023 22:03

I've never been to a hen do that crazy. The most extravagant one was a weekend in Berlin but that's because the bride was German and there was no pressure for anyone to travel. The bride paid for herself and bought us alll gifts actually!

All others including mine have been a normal drinks/meal/dancing night out in London or a cheapish hotel in the brides home town. No gifts and no expensive outfits, maybe some cheapo fancy dress for fun or an easy theme like a colour.

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