To think weddings are out of control?

[Sourpuss93]

I am approaching 30 and so have lots of friends who are getting married, but it feels like each hen party/wedding is more extravagant than the last. Don't get me wrong, if you're happy to cover costs.. go all out! But what I think is unreasonable is the level of involvement expected from bridesmaids/guests.

I am currently involved with two of my friends hen parties, both of which have two legs, one leg abroad and one leg at home for those who can't make it abroad (those who are going abroad will also attend home hen party).

For the first friend - We have been asked to cover the brides share of the abroad leg, which I think is a pisstake, but have kept quiet as I believe this is standard practice. For the home leg, it's a spa day followed by a night out. We have been asked to cover the brides share of the spa day, buy a 90s theme outfit for the night out, oh and each of us bring a gift for the bride. The second friend is a very similar situation, which makes me wonder if this is just what is expected these days.

AIBU to think this is a f**cking joke? I am just a guest (not part of the wedding party) and will have spent around £1k before I have even attended the wedding (wedding will be another outfit, another gift, transport, alcohol etc..) I have a friend who is struggling financially and is worrying about the cost, I am not struggling financially but I think it is ridiculous out of principle. Other than that, everyone seems to be OK with the costs/happy to pay for bride.. what do you all think?

I think it's common in some circles.

I've only been invited to one foreign hen. I sucked it up because it's one of my best friends and I couldn't make her uk hen. In general I'd decline a foreign hen unless a) I could afford it, b) I wanted to have a holiday with that group of people.

Tbh foreign hens are not common in my social group as many of them are very eco conscious and avoid flying as much as possible.

Most of my friends went to a restaurant, went to London for a day, went to a spa, went to a karaoke bar.

Someone has to be the first to say...no sorry can't afford it.
Others maybe feeling the same as you but feel under pressure to go.
Agree with this but it doesn't seem to make much difference if the people involved are self-absorbed and wrapped up in having their princess moment.

I had a low key hen do, so did one of my friends. We had lovely comments about how refreshing it was for people to come to a relaxed hen do where they could do the parts that worked for them. Some people didn't do the evening meal/drinks, some people didn't do the day activity as they were working but came for the meal.

My friend was quite open to everyone that she did not want a high maintenance hen do because it puts pressure on people and she doesn't agree with putting people in an awkward situation where even if they could afford it, it's wrong to her to expect people to prioritise large sums of money and annual leave on a party when people might have children/high mortgage payments/renovations/family they have to travel to see etc.
Did some of her close friends show the same courtesy the following year? Of course not. It was all about the bride wanting to have the cottage, the expensive trips, several days away etc. I don't care what MNers say, it does put pressure on people.

I agree, I’m kind of passed the age now where there are loads and loads of weddings but I had one of a friend in summer and even though the hen do was in the UK (was meant to be abroad but they cancelled) when I factored in hotel for hen do, activities, extra money we were meant to cough up for drinks and food, the travel to wedding, hotel for wedding it was over £600…which was a lot to us at the time with me on mat leave. If I was early 30’s with loads I would def have had to decline some. Even back then I don’t remember them being this expensive, just a night out in town..but I might be remembering wrong.

It's quite common with people I seem to know. I'm a bridesmaid in April and I'm not going to the 'away' hen - I said I wasn't willing to cover it financially or take that much annual leave along with another lot for the 'home' hen and then another lot for the wedding. As far as I'm aware my name isn't mud and I'm contributing my time and effort (and money) in other ways towards my friends wedding.

You need to put those boundaries in though.

I think most women need assertiveness training.
I see so many threads on MN where someone is afraid to say no, not just for expensive hen dos and weddings, but for so many things where they are being guilt tripped.

Either I have reasonable friends and family or they know not to ask anything unreasonable of me because they know what the answer will be.

If a wedding/hen/bridezilla costs me more than 50 euros I'm not going. I'm not paying for other peoples "look at me" weddings. I happily go to loving weddings where the couple just wants to celebrate with their loved ones. old and young, rich and poor.

Besides, too many of these "look at me" weddings are just a form of distraction from the couples problems and too many divorce years later.

Long ago made it a policy to attend ceremony only. No shower, hen do, reception, evening do. Just witness the wedding, wish them well and be on to my day.

Such a huge load off.

Yes they are out of control, but the simple thing is to say no if you can't afford it.