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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think weddings are out of control?

108 replies

Sourpuss93 · 03/02/2023 21:28

I am approaching 30 and so have lots of friends who are getting married, but it feels like each hen party/wedding is more extravagant than the last. Don't get me wrong, if you're happy to cover costs.. go all out! But what I think is unreasonable is the level of involvement expected from bridesmaids/guests.

I am currently involved with two of my friends hen parties, both of which have two legs, one leg abroad and one leg at home for those who can't make it abroad (those who are going abroad will also attend home hen party).

For the first friend - We have been asked to cover the brides share of the abroad leg, which I think is a pisstake, but have kept quiet as I believe this is standard practice. For the home leg, it's a spa day followed by a night out. We have been asked to cover the brides share of the spa day, buy a 90s theme outfit for the night out, oh and each of us bring a gift for the bride. The second friend is a very similar situation, which makes me wonder if this is just what is expected these days.

AIBU to think this is a f**cking joke? I am just a guest (not part of the wedding party) and will have spent around £1k before I have even attended the wedding (wedding will be another outfit, another gift, transport, alcohol etc..) I have a friend who is struggling financially and is worrying about the cost, I am not struggling financially but I think it is ridiculous out of principle. Other than that, everyone seems to be OK with the costs/happy to pay for bride.. what do you all think?

OP posts:
Thatcatisdrivingmenuts · 03/02/2023 23:22

From what I hear, most people don't want to go to hen parties.

Tiani4 · 03/02/2023 23:42

@Sourpuss93
It is a f*king joke

No you don't have to spend £500+ for a hen night
No you don't have to pay for the bride's share and no you don't have to drop thousands just to attend a wedding or be part of bridal shower

Never ever would do that and never asked mine to.

There always a local hen evening you can go to .. join them for a few drinks after their meal if local. If away say you'll join them in local drinks out. No one should expect you to buy more than drink for the hen (B2B) - it's gotten WAY out of control these expectations by some B2Bs or MOHs ...!

Tiani4 · 03/02/2023 23:44

And no you don't have to go away for a hen weekend abroad or to expensive places ... that's for people that want to spent that kind of money. Blipping cheek to ask those dropping that kinda money to also pay for the hen sheesh sheet it become expensive in the first place 😮😡

Tiani4 · 03/02/2023 23:47

Sheet = she (hen) let it become expensive in the first place

Ain't no hen surprised by a long expensive weekend away ... us brides let it be known what we envisage and if you envisage a bank breaking long luxury weekend it's an absolute cheek to expect others to also cover your costs..!

Tiani4 · 03/02/2023 23:52

And yes, both friends had gender reveals and baby showers with lots of gifts and lots of posing infront of expensive balloons for photos eye roll.

Absolutely agree OP
I politely decline baby showers of gender reveal 'parties'
It's a US commercial thing sneaking into U.K.... Really obvious money grab and never that much fun to anyone other than the grabby mum2B

Stravaig · 03/02/2023 23:55

Just say no - and choose different friends 🤷‍♀️

smooththecat · 03/02/2023 23:57

So glad that everyone I know is at the divorce stage now.

Soonenough · 04/02/2023 00:02

It will get to the point when receiving a wedding invite will be a thing to be dreaded. That kind of money would go a long way towards household purchases . Who has that kind of disposable income in this economy? Just hope people are not putting themselves into debt for such a shallow reason.

Crumpledstilstkin · 04/02/2023 00:25

smooththecat · 03/02/2023 23:57

So glad that everyone I know is at the divorce stage now.

Wait until you find out about divorce parties... The Instagram lot have a lot to answer.

OP, just look on it as an opportunity to practise setting reasonable boundaries. It's not hard to just say it sounds lovely but it's a bit pricey for you so you'll have to bow out. You can even send a bottle of you want to and still save a fortune.

Wilburisagirl · 04/02/2023 00:33

YANBU. My hen was a fabulous night. Pre drinks and games at my friend'S house, caught the tram to a burlesque club for a group lesson, then dinner, drinks and dancing at a nice bar. My best friend's hen was very similar and both were so much fun.

I think many people are looking for an excuse to be a bit extravagant and a hen seems like a good excuse. But the lack of sensitivity to people's different financial situations is really rude. By all means do the extravagant hen, but allow people to say no without being offended!

GoldilockMom · 04/02/2023 00:40

Chicken and egg situation - if people said no, the extravagance would stop!

I wouldn’t attend a hen abroad if I wasn’t part of the bridal party - maybe use that as a base line? If there’s a UK ‘do’ attend that one.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 04/02/2023 00:45

I got married 18 months ago aged 40. I had a hen do around Birmingham. No one paid for my meal. Well actually I think they may have done but I am not sure. Anyway it wasn't much. No one got me a present. Wedding was in my home town but was pretty simple, registry office and party.

Rewis · 04/02/2023 00:45

All hen does I've attended have been either a day in brides hometown or a domestic overnight somewhere convenient (like a rented cabin or air bnb). Brides costs are divided amongst the participants and otherwise everyone pays for themselves. No hen dos abroad. I've only ever been to three and moat expensive has been £130 (but I was the moh so I took a bit more costs cause I was working and there were few full time students)

QueenCamilla · 04/02/2023 00:50

I'm in my thirties. I wouldn't attend a hen party. Or any baby-dos'.

I'd feel quite embarrased (and cringe for others) to need all the gifts, attention and pampering for the incredible feat of "pulling Dave The Stud & then getting knocked up by him". Belch.

Nope, not a kill joy - I'm never there to kill any joy. I might be at the spa with some friends or on the dance-floor or on a weekend break. Don't mind a rubber willy 😂

SadadassoSad · 04/02/2023 00:51

So I have been to many hen nights and from different backgrounds over many years .
Can honestly say that they were all fairly low key piss ups with a fun theme and not too much effort or expense …why are hen nights now so ridiculous?

carmenitapink · 04/02/2023 01:23

Sourpuss93 · 03/02/2023 21:54

I am genuinely surprised to hear the abroad hen parties are not standard. Every hen party I have been involved with has been abroad, same goes for my OH and stag parties. A day/weekend in this country covering hen is much more reasonable.

Obviously I can say no, but I have always felt a certain pressure to attend as no one else seems to be phased by it. I have some rethinking to do..

Most hens before friends had children were almost always abroad! They would understand if people couldn't go though.

Post kids, most are shorter and mostly in London.

Haven't heard of covering bride's international travel (!) it's usually covering her meal and/or drinks but in London which is less than a tenner per head based on a typical group size of approx 10.

Your friends sounds a bit crazy, but I expect once someone has paid for others they want the same for theirs

Everyonehasavoice · 04/02/2023 03:22

Don’t know anyone who had a hen abroad.
My dh went to a stag do abroad but all other stags here

I suppose it’s the brides choice, but much like weddings abroad they have to understand if some people don’t go
Thats also your choice OP…you don’t have to go.

Think it’s an absolute cheek asking for people to pay for the bride to attend. Unless it was an absolute best friend I wouldn't bother going. If it was an absolute best friend I would tell them I cant afford all the added expense. If they’re a friend they’ll understand. Although I’m probably only thinking this as i think they’ve got a bloody nerve

daisychain01 · 04/02/2023 03:35

The more people who participate in the madness, the more it feeds into the general expectation that getting married means expecting guests to spend extortionate £££ on vanity weddings.

Obviously I can say no, but I have always felt a certain pressure to attend as no one else seems to be phased by it. I have some rethinking to do.

In your situation Id back away from any wedding that puts upon friends and family that way, No way would I feel pressured into it either. These arent friends, putting you in such an awkward situation - they don't own you or your bank card, so do that thinking and be independent minded. Say you have Cost of Living concerns and sorry you can join them. Also consider whether they really are friends, because they don't sound it, expecting you to pay for all that.

daisychain01 · 04/02/2023 03:36

can't join them

bussteward · 04/02/2023 04:00

I think it depends on your social circle. I don’t know anyone who’s done a hen abroad, a hen weekend, a multi-stage hen, even a day activity hen. It’s always been dinner then cheap clubbing, or dinner then pub. On one occasion dinner and charades at home. With tequila.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 04/02/2023 05:59

Yanbu, I’ve had a few invites like this. I just said I couldn’t make it, and removed myself from the hen group chat after I saw someone else in the group do it. Funnily enough, they downsized their plans after that. I expected awkwardness, but there wasn’t any. Wish I’d done this years ago for other ones.

LongRoadtoNowhere · 04/02/2023 06:29

In my friendship group, the standard is a long weekend either in a big house together or in a UK city. I’ve not been abroad for a hen but it’s not really uncommon, just my friends and I have usually decided the costs are too high. We always pay for the hen, she doesn’t tend to spend a penny all weekend and we’re happy with that.

These things tend to change depending on your friends and what you’re used to, but if anyone said they weren’t comfortable, there would be no pressure at all for them to attend. I’ve been a bridesmaid for 3 hen dos and we always keep costs as low as possible (though they’re usually £250-300 ish so not cheap!)

Purplehyena · 04/02/2023 06:29

Definitely not the norm in my circle. Hen parties have been pretty low key, generally a day out doing something like a boat trip/spa/Go Ape type activity followed by dinner and a few drinks. Most wedding were after most of the group started having children though so I wonder if that’s significant. But yes, the ones you describe seem very over the top.

WandaWonder · 04/02/2023 06:35

How do people get the time off work to go to destination hen/stag and weddings and their own family holidays?

Toddlerteaplease · 04/02/2023 06:38

Absolutely no way would I be paying a share for the bride for the away, trip. That's taking the piss.