To think weddings are out of control?

[Sourpuss93]

I am approaching 30 and so have lots of friends who are getting married, but it feels like each hen party/wedding is more extravagant than the last. Don't get me wrong, if you're happy to cover costs.. go all out! But what I think is unreasonable is the level of involvement expected from bridesmaids/guests.

I am currently involved with two of my friends hen parties, both of which have two legs, one leg abroad and one leg at home for those who can't make it abroad (those who are going abroad will also attend home hen party).

For the first friend - We have been asked to cover the brides share of the abroad leg, which I think is a pisstake, but have kept quiet as I believe this is standard practice. For the home leg, it's a spa day followed by a night out. We have been asked to cover the brides share of the spa day, buy a 90s theme outfit for the night out, oh and each of us bring a gift for the bride. The second friend is a very similar situation, which makes me wonder if this is just what is expected these days.

AIBU to think this is a f**cking joke? I am just a guest (not part of the wedding party) and will have spent around £1k before I have even attended the wedding (wedding will be another outfit, another gift, transport, alcohol etc..) I have a friend who is struggling financially and is worrying about the cost, I am not struggling financially but I think it is ridiculous out of principle. Other than that, everyone seems to be OK with the costs/happy to pay for bride.. what do you all think?

I'm in my 60s and we used to have girly dinner parties with really nice food and cocktails.

DIL who is late 20s had a barbecue and I understand some interesting straws for cocktails.

God yes, baby showers. When I had DS1 17 years ago, I just had him. No pre party or anything. TBH I am very happy about that!

The sad bit is the poor friend who is struggling to afford it will either never ask or have something on that scale.. it's not normal, stand up for her.

Going through similar at the moment. The hen and wedding are going to cost about £800. I have to go as I’m a bridesmaid (yes I know I don’t HAVE to- but I do). After this I’m going to decline all hen invites apart from future SIL’s. Honestly it’d be cheaper just to send a very generous cash gift and have done with it.

I'm in my 30s and I've not been to a wedding in 5 years, but in my circles it was one activity, a meal and a night out on the town wearing those little sashes, perhaps an inflatable willy to wave around. The activity depends on the bride and her interests, we've done spa days, laser tag, escape rooms, theme park, fancy tea room, and a memorable one in the natural history museum! Sometimes went to a differnet city, sometimes in our own town, always in the UK. Optional night in hotel and breakfast next day, but always has seemed acceptable to make own way back home if possible. Your friends are mad. But also I suspect that they're richer, as me and my friends simply do not have 1k to spend on each hen do.

I don't get why you need to get her a present either, isn't that usually done at the wedding?

It sounds ridiculous..who needs 2 hen parties?! You have one, or you don't. YANBU to say you can't attend both!

In my friendship group, mostly it's a 2-night stay cottage weekend with activities, all or nothing. I was in the minority with my hen do - it was a 1 day affair (escape room, afternoon tea, bar, salsa dancing club, home). It was a drop-in day, so those that could afford to do some or all due to time or money had the choice themselves and I got to celebrate with all the people I wanted to across the day. Much better and happier for everyone imo.

What's wrong with a local hen do at a local venue? 🤦🏼‍♀️

DD is getting married this summer & isn't even having a hen do! When I got married we had a meal out & a night away in an Airbnb type place (pre Airbnb!) about an hour away.

I did have an abroad and a home hen... but I payed for myself and tried to keep costs as reasonable as possible and tried my best to work with people I wanted to come (and no demands to dress up or get me presents!) Presents on a hen seem a bit much you'll have to get something again for the wedding!

Yes I think it's ridiculous but then stag do's have always been big spends - weekends away, shooting etc.

Not always. A pub crawl and a curry used to be good enough. Maybe a pub crawl in your nearest big city if you lived near enough.

I don't think you're unreasonable but on other hen party threads it usually turns into you being told that you obviously can't afford a nice hen/don't understand that lots of people do have the money to drop hundreds if not thousands on a hen do and weddings/are jealous and then claims that there's no pressure or expectations put on anyone.

And then someone will claim that Mumsnet hates hen dos and hasn't moved past a cheap knees up in the local where you get a pint for 50p

I agree OP and think its unreasonable.

If you can’t afford it simply send a simple message to the organiser saying sorry but unfortunately I am no longer able to attend. This will make the costs go up for all and this may encourage others to speak out and reevaluate and they may or may not eventually decide on more reasonable more affordable celebrations.

I got married 20 odd years ago and I was one of the last of my friends to get married aware that my closest friends had varying incomes and I didn’t want anyone not to be able to afford to go. I opted for one night away (ditched the spa) and had a larger second night out in my home town (only cost drinks and maybe taxis).

It seems things have gone mad since in a rush to have the most instagrammable 18th, 21st, 25th, 30th, 40th, 50th, hen, stag, baby shower etc etc.

Yanbu, I agree, some people absolutely run away with themselves. Problems arise when they expect other people to be able to afford to run away with them. Or, worse still, want their nearest and dearest to fund their 'princess for a day' fantasies. (And it's rarely 'a' day, is it?)

But OP, if their friends keep bloody going along with; foreign hen dos, hen weekends, bride tribe spa days, gifts for the bride, chipping in for all of the brides expenses, matching outfits for all the hens, etc, etc, etc, then of course brides are going to keep doing it!

Not only that but Carmen's friend Sandra sees that when Carmen got married she got one hen weekend in Lanzarote, another four-day hen weekend in Blackpool, matching personalised veils/sashes and t-shirts for all the hens, all the hens paid for her and also chipped in £150 for a joint gift so now that Sandra is getting married she needs to have (at least) all of that too to prove to herself that her friends love her as much as they do Carmen. Then Fiona gets engaged and she has to again at least keep up with what is quickly becoming the new baseline standard.

Start saying "No". "That's too much." "You're not Beyoncé and I can't afford neither the money, the time nor the energy to fan you like a sultan."

If everyone who felt hen dos were over the top stopped being guilted into them I bet they'd be a lot fewer of these mad ones. Time to start a new fashion I think.

They have become a selfish "look at me" events. I can't be doing with spoilt and bratty behaviour.

Give the marriage five years and see how it's going. Was it worth the fuss and nonsense?

I've been to 5 hens, none have been abroad and none cost anywhere near 1k! 😱Are your friends quite wealthy OP?

YANBU to think what is being asked of you is ridiculous
but
YABU to think that is all weddings.

I'm old, but have dc and nieces who between them seem to be at weddings very regularly, and none of them have been abroad for a hen party.
None of them would spend £1000 on "being a hen" - they've all got their heads screwed on and would rather use that kind of money to do work on their homes or put by for when their mortgages come out of the fixed rates they are on.

YABU to agree to go, if you aren't in the financial bracket to be able to just have £1K for 'spending on fun'. When it is first muted, you just say "No thanks"

I don't understand why you are actually going to these hen parties if you think it's all too much. Don't you just decline or go to the UK one (if that!)? Where is the obligation to go?

Someone has to be the first to say...no sorry can't afford it.

Others maybe feeling the same as you but feel under pressure to go.

Be a leader OP 😉

I agree, it's absolutely ridiculous!

Since when did every bride have to have a hen do anyway? I didn't. My sisters didn't. None of my friends did. We were all married between 1976 and 1983. Things were different then and most people didn't have tons of money to splash out on expensive parties (or expensive weddings, come to that).

You have a choice. You don't have to suck it up if you don't want to.

In your shoes, I would stick with the home hen night. You can always make a contribution if you want.

Life wasn't this complicated when I got married! Nothing about having an Instagram perfect life seems to be making anyone happy so tread your own path. Your future self will thank you for it.

When I got married in 1986, the pre-wedding female party was a 'showing of the presents' (this might have been a Scottish thing) - a Sunday afternoon thing with tea and nice cakes.

I had never heard of a hen party.

@Sourpuss93 “I am genuinely surprised to hear the abroad hen parties are not standard”

What bubble are you walking around in?!!

@Abcdefu @PatchworkElmer Glad I am not the only one experiencing this madness!

@Starllight I could have written this myself. And yes, both friends had gender reveals and baby showers with lots of gifts and lots of posing infront of expensive balloons for photos eye roll.

I am very low key (did not have a gender reveal, baby shower, prefer to spend birthdays etc with OH and DC..) and I sometimes find it hard to judge if I am being a miserable introvert or if friends are being OTT.

I totally hear you all that there is no obligation that you have to attend such events, it’s just more the assumption that you will be happy to attend/splash out that seems VU to me.

Hen dos are pretty recent. My mum, aunts and older cousins didn't do anything of the sort. They got going in the 80s i think due to increased consumerism and the age of first marriage going up so people had more money, and they were turbocharged by the budget airline boom of the 90s - suddenly you really could have a whole long weekend somewhere basic but hot for cheap.

Everything has got much more expensive but people are still trying to have those budget airline breaks for 6 times the price, plus an extra layer of influencer 'glamour' to aspire to. It's bonkers. Plenty keep their feet on the ground, it's not compulsory.