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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think weddings are out of control?

108 replies

Sourpuss93 · 03/02/2023 21:28

I am approaching 30 and so have lots of friends who are getting married, but it feels like each hen party/wedding is more extravagant than the last. Don't get me wrong, if you're happy to cover costs.. go all out! But what I think is unreasonable is the level of involvement expected from bridesmaids/guests.

I am currently involved with two of my friends hen parties, both of which have two legs, one leg abroad and one leg at home for those who can't make it abroad (those who are going abroad will also attend home hen party).

For the first friend - We have been asked to cover the brides share of the abroad leg, which I think is a pisstake, but have kept quiet as I believe this is standard practice. For the home leg, it's a spa day followed by a night out. We have been asked to cover the brides share of the spa day, buy a 90s theme outfit for the night out, oh and each of us bring a gift for the bride. The second friend is a very similar situation, which makes me wonder if this is just what is expected these days.

AIBU to think this is a f**cking joke? I am just a guest (not part of the wedding party) and will have spent around £1k before I have even attended the wedding (wedding will be another outfit, another gift, transport, alcohol etc..) I have a friend who is struggling financially and is worrying about the cost, I am not struggling financially but I think it is ridiculous out of principle. Other than that, everyone seems to be OK with the costs/happy to pay for bride.. what do you all think?

OP posts:

WandaWonder · 04/02/2023 06:44

Toddlerteaplease · 04/02/2023 06:38

Absolutely no way would I be paying a share for the bride for the away, trip. That's taking the piss.

Yeah I was trying to work out if that meant what it meant

So a bride decides to arrange going on a hen do or have a wedding overseas and some guests don't go but pay for the bride to go on holiday?

Rainbowqueeen · 04/02/2023 06:55

I’d politely decline any overseas hen do. If more people do this then they won’t be a thing. More people will be phased by this than give the appearance of being worried

Mamaneedsadrink · 04/02/2023 06:59

It sounds expensive, but I would've been keen when I was younger (and had freedom!), I also don't see why people should scale things back if the majority are keen for a big celebration. Subsidising the Bride does seem alot though and would be annoying if you weren't getting married anytime soon (or ever) and going to alot of these.
I think that if you don't want to go, either because of the cost or just that you don't want to then that should be accepted and should not be a big deal. It's not fair if people feel pressured into it, but then also people need to start pushing back so it isn't the 'norm' and expected.

Penguinsaregreat · 04/02/2023 07:06

The simple answer is some are and sone aren’t.
I would not put myself out attending a wedding of some distant relative who I haven’t seen in years. Why people travel for hours, mid week, at great expense and inconvenience is beyond me. Then having to leave their dcs with virtual strangers because it’s a child free wedding, no I don’t do it.
Hen dos are the same. A close friend or close family then yes I’m good with that. More distant and it depends on if I think I’ll enjoy it and the cost/inconvenience.
I paid for my own hen do so feel that the bride should pay her way.
I also feel the same about baby showers. I tend to avoid these at all costs as it’s not my thing. Would only attend for a very close friend or immediate family. Anyone else and I’m afraid I’d be ‘busy.’
I find them boring tbh.
Id also rather give a gift after the baby has been born and not before.

IWasFunBeforeMum · 04/02/2023 07:09

I never understand why people think others care about their wedding so much. "Can't make the abroad bit? Oh don't worry we'll do something at home too!". Nah I really don't care that much.

MamaNell · 04/02/2023 07:11

You've been invited, you can always say no! Why is a hen night any different from a group holiday or day out? If the fancy dress and expense don't suit you and you don't think it's fun don't go??!

ign0re · 04/02/2023 07:15

Certainly lots of stag dos seem to have been abroad for a while and hen dos now following suit!
the thing is you’re probably not the only one thinking the costs are mental but no one feels comfortable enough to speak out!

I’ve pulled out of a few hen dos when I realised the cost and effort was not going to be worth it. And I’ve generally been right.

if it’s a really good friend and will be lots of fun and you can afford it… look at it as a fun one off holiday! If not don’t go! No point going if you’ll spend more time moaning about it than enjoying yourself x

RampantIvy · 04/02/2023 07:35

I read about these kind of hen does on MN and realise that the MOHzillas get away with organising these expensive extravaganzas because they can as no-one calls them out on it.

Invitees need to put their foot down and say "that doesn't work for me. I'll just come to the home do instead" or even "please don't try and guilt trip me into doing something I can't afford"

Grumpybutfunny · 04/02/2023 07:36

plumduck · 03/02/2023 21:44

Don't go then. No one forced you to spend that much. That's £1000 you've wasted that could have helped pay down your mortgage.

Where the fun in that!

OP I would talk to the maid of honour and be honest if you don't want to go. We've had abroad hen do but it was the same group of girls who would normally do a girls holiday so kind of a final one for a good few years x 4 🤣

Paying for the bride is nice and I think it comes down to whether your also likely to get married in the next few years so the girls can do them same.

Michellebops · 04/02/2023 07:41

I'm currently arranging an away hen do for my bestie (I'm moh) and spent a lot of time selecting destination, booking flights and hotels. The brides cost is being covered by myself and bridesmaids and we haven't asked anyone else for contribution to make it as reasonably cost effective as possible for the others.

When we first started looking we had prices between £250 - £500 quoted. A few people said they couldn't afford it and pulled it which is fine.

I managed to get a fabulous deal for just over £200 pp for villa and flights and it's a winner.

Deliaskis · 04/02/2023 07:44

Thing is, it did used to be much cheaper to do overseas hen and stag dos. I got married 20 years ago and it was the heyday of low cost airlines and competition for the best deals, so I went to hens all over Europe for a fraction of the cost of a night or two in the UK and an activity. I remember Barcelona flights, and accommodation for 4 nights really was £55 each, Rome was about £60, Palma similar. The Euro was about 1.46 to a pound, none of us had kids, we had a blast.

It's just nothing like that cheap now and hasn't been for years, but there is still an expectation from many that hens and stags abroad are the thing. It's very very hard to get a weekend in Europe for less than £500 these days, which even considering 20 years of inflation, is far more expensive than it was 20 years ago.

Before that of course, it was also expensive, and most people who could afford to go abroad ever, went once to the med for a family holiday.

Things change, costs change, expectations seem to be slow to catch up.

ChungusBoi · 04/02/2023 07:50

Agree @Deliaskis - I am old but my hen to Budapest would cost far more now, and we are in a cost of living crisis! Even friends who can afford it often have other priorities.

Daisyinthegrass · 04/02/2023 07:55

This hasn't been my experience of hen-dos.

I've been to three in the last few years. One was an overnight stay in a city near the bride, budget hotel, dinner and cocktails. One was dinner and bowling and one was just a few of us for dinner in a nice, local pub. I can't remember if we paid the bride's share for any of them. None were expensive, all were fun.

I wouldn't be going abroad for a hen-do.

everyonebutme · 04/02/2023 07:57

Things have changed so much. I remember when people used to go away and get married abroad (to save money and combine a wedding and honeymoon) but now they kind of expect people to go with them and attend the wedding. As others have mentioned I would not want this to be my holiday or use my holiday up doing this. But I guess it's everyone's own personal choice.

hartof · 04/02/2023 07:59

You can say no. My sister gets married this year, her hen do is abroad as is the stag. I'm not going to the abroad hen, it's very expensive and not my thing so we're doing a uk hen for only family members not going abroad. DH is going on the stag but if we'd have both gone abroad it would've been the best part of £2k which is a family holiday.

I do agree it's gotten silly, my hen do was a night out in our city centre.

Quinoawoman · 04/02/2023 08:04

With this kind of thing, I always judge it on how much I actually want to go - what activities are planned, where it is, who is going and how much I like them, etc. If it sounds like great fun, I'd probably pay up and go if I could. If it sounds like a drag, count me out.

SwingandaPrayer · 04/02/2023 08:05

A gift for the Hen????? on top of paying for their trip/party/"experience"? No way in the world would I do that nor would I imagine any bride would expect that. That would be a line I wouldn't cross!

daisychain01 · 04/02/2023 08:18

Example of a thoughtful wedding - my cousin is getting married in June.

She and her fiancé have chosen a hotel within 45 mins of where most of the family live.

No being forced to buy extortionate rooms in the hotel to subsidise their stay, list of alternative hotels to cater to different budgets.

No "dress code" other than dress smartly.

A request to contribute to their honeymoon if guests want to. No set amount either. No naff poem!

it's going to be a lovely event because we always have a good time when we get together.

Compared to all the grabby destination weddings, I know which one I'd rather do.

Riverlee · 04/02/2023 08:22

FunnysInLaJardin · 03/02/2023 21:59

I am vair old, but 25 years ago when we got married our hen and stag parties were at local restaurants where everyone paid for themselves. Then we got married the next day and had a 3 day honeymoon at Rick Steins in Padstow as DH is a teacher.

I realise that last bit was specific to me, but illustrates that it used to be far more low key!

I’d forgotten that hen and stag parties were often held the night before the wedding.

I agree though, it was a meal out at a local restaurant. Stag doos tended to be a bit more riotous, maybe a pub crawl.

Campervangirl · 04/02/2023 08:31

Yep it's ridiculous.
Dd got married last year, we had a hens WhatsApp group which got completely out of hand, 2 of the hens were organising it (it was abroad) and wanted to book really expensive activities, I knocked that on the head, maybe easier for me as MOB, you could practically hear the collective sigh of relief of the other hens.
Tbh if it hadn't been dd getting married I wouldn't have gone, ridiculous amount of money to spend.
I'd bow out if I were you and make it clear why

Calphurnia88 · 04/02/2023 08:39

I've been invited to several hen dos abroad and found it quite liberating when I realised that I could simply say no (which I have done a couple of times).

Any bride choosing to have an abroad hen needs to graciously accept that not everyone will be able to attend due to cost, holiday allowance and other prior engagements. That includes members of the bridal party.

Ultimately though I think that choosing to have an abroad hen is a selfish decision (unless you have 100% confidence that all invitees are willing and able to attend). You are essentially dictating how your friends spend a sizable chunk of their income and their holiday allowance for the year. This might be the only holiday they can afford to have; to a destination they wouldn't choose to visit, with a group of people they wouldn't choose to holiday with, doing activities that they wouldn't choose to do. I think it gets even trickier when your friends have children as this is potentially eating into their holidays too.

Calphurnia88 · 04/02/2023 08:50

Campervangirl · 04/02/2023 08:31

The group will have been so grateful you did that.

I helped organise a hen do several years ago (bridal party) where another member of the bridal party kept wanting to add expensive extras on e.g. matching pajamas, gifts for the bride, etc. The hen do was already adding up to several hundreds of pounds each, but it was difficult to push back without feeling like you were being less of a friend to the bride.

WaddesdonWanderer · 04/02/2023 08:59

You’re right OP. I got married nearly 30 years ago and had a night out in a curry house with one group and at a pizza place then a club with another group; colleague got married more recently and had a weekend in New York! Hardly anyone went to hers though whereas loads came to mine (including men, as they were my friends too) and we had a great time, memorable even now!

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/02/2023 09:09

It’s not that much of a new thing: my cohort of friends was getting married in the late 90s/early 00s and it was rampant then. I remember being invited to a weekend long joint stag/hen in a castle on Cornwall and the groom got the hump so much when I said I couldn’t go that they dropped me as a friend.

SafeMove · 04/02/2023 09:18

I am getting married in June and this is why I am saying no to a hen do. There is a cost of living crisis on. I am already asking people to take away an afternoon/evening of their weekend and pay for petrol/public transport to get to our venue, just because I fell in love. Have put on invitations that people should just wear what they are comfortable in, it's a relaxed wedding as hate the thought of people thinking they have to buy new clothes. Have made sure people are fed and watered a lot as a thank you.

I am 43 though so my focus has been on the marriage and making sure we are sure and ready. The wedding is just a day to celebrate. I think seeing it as a big 'event' instead of the start of a lifetime relationship is where people start to expect a big fuss. as long as my DP understands the gravity of it that is all that matters. I don't need my f&f to engage/pay into that.

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