To sell the gift meant for DH?

[Watchamocauli]

I recently ordered airpods from Work recognition website. I could have chosen a Kate Spade tote but DH said he would like the AirPods since I have them too. So ordered it few weeks ago. It arrived today.

Now last night, DH had a unusual strop - foot stomping while walking down the stairs saying me and DD (10) are ruining his life. And chose to sleep on the sofa. This was after watching Apprentice together.

DD as usual was trying to get in our bed and I threatened to take her devices. By that time he had settle in her bed. Then she went back to sleep in her own bed. He said she will still lose her devices. DD started crying and I said ok since you have gone back to your bed, the punishment is cancelled. He heard this a stormed off saying we have ruined his life.

in my defence, yesterday I was at a full day workshop in office after 3 years so was exhausted for any arguments or fights with DD

since this morning he has offered to make tea but no apology

My husband would never ask. I might offer if I knew there was something he really wanted but couldn't afford, or spend it on something we could both use (I think I spent my last one on furniture), but he ABSOLUTELY wouldn't ask me to.

He would know that is a reward for me, for being good at my job. Why on earth would be feel entitled to say "hey, you know that reward you got from work, can you spend it on something for me?"

Him asking in the first place is a problem.

You wanted the bag. A nice husband would have said oh, lovely - that'll be really nice - you deserve it darling. Not "wahhh but I wanted you to get me airpods".

As for the rest of it, you need to have a really good think about what you are teaching your daughter about relationships and how she should let herself be treated by partners. Maybe you should sell the airpods and save the money to pay for her therapy when she finds herself in a similar relationship...

I think you need to communicate rather than both strop around. You’re not exactly modelling good behaviour for your child. It all sounds like hard work to me - just sit down and discuss it.

It’s important for parents to present a United front - unless of course the punishment/consequence is abusive - beating/silent treatment etc. You didn’t support your husband. No wonder he was upset.
If DD is bargaining it’s because she knows it works. You and DH need to sit down and calmly work out some family rules. Have a meeting with Dd and agree them together - eg she can suggest some additional points but cannot veto what parents have agreed. Should reduce the bargaining - which is a slippery slope as she heads towards teenage years.

I'm not surprised your DD is trying to get into your bed on a regular basis, poor kid must be so confused. Six months ago, you were on the verge of breaking up, you have mother-in-law issues, you are both working hard and overtired, there are sleepless nights (not sure why), you have completely different parenting styles – your husband is a disciplinarian and you believe in teaching your daughter to "bargain" for everything, and you are kidding yourself if you think that just because your DH was speaking in another language on that one occasion that she hasn't picked up on the general tone of your long-term relationship.

You believe in teaching dd to bargain but then are frustrated when she tries to negotiate over every boundary?! No shit sherlock - she's doing exactly what YOU taught her!! Similarly you put yourself last every time and then get frustrated when people ride over you - as a friend I'd be very upset if you gave your husband or child a present I'd bought for you, chocolates or wine for example.

There's a lot to unpack in your family dynamic right now, you should perhaps consider family and/or individual counselling, particularly if you were so very recently in the brink of separation. You don't have to sacrifice yourselve within a family. You matter too. You can still be a good parent outside of a damaged marriage. You can still be a good wife whilst having your own boundaries.

You read threads like this and realise how some peoples homes are just quietly dysfunctional. Punitive behaviour to their kids, their spouses, being the norm.

it’s just incredibly sad. Staying together for the child and everyone fucking miserable and horrible to each other. Unable to manage an argument, instead immediate escalation and punishment, well I’ll sell your gift.

as said, it’s sad.

If there is not some drip feeding back story then all this is odd and both adults need to mature

But full time work, sleepless nights and active household does make us hyper emotional.

Can you explain why there are sleepless nights and have such an active household?

If that’s why you’re all over the top emotional then it’s a pretty big part of the issues and it’s difficult to advise when we don’t know the full story of why it’s such a hyper emotional household.

How many children do you have?
Do they have any extra difficulties etc?

His reaction was dramatic.......but if you're constantly overruling him when it comes to putting rules and boundaries in place for your daughter then I can see where he's coming from........and so silly you when the teenage years hit.

Tbf to your husband, if you just wanted to get into bed and relax and there was all this drama all the time I'd probably feel like my life was not what I intended, even if 'ruined' is a little ott. Maybe he wanted to snuggle with you and never gets the opportunity?

Ooh well spotted. Got it in one 👏

Definitely get the bag - what we're you thinking ordering AirPods for sulky pants with your reward?!

You might wish to tell dh that parenting together is a tag team and if he makes it all about him and his suffering, he will end up alone.

When you bought the air pods you should have made it clear they came with strings attached.

You clearly resent buying them instead of the tote, so that's on you to work out why you did that in the first place.

10 year olds should be able to regularly sleep in their own beds, and your family is too old to have a parent sleep in a kids bed. Not surprisingly DH was pissed off having to swap beds on a whim of DD.

Staying together for the kids is a terrible idea, there's an odd dynamic going on in your household. Other pps have explained it better, but the whole dynamic is off and appears damaging to all involved.

Have you tried couples therapy to unpick what's driving this?

Did you read the bit where dad gave a punishment and mum over-ruled? Not much of a team there! And she'd already made her own decision to buy the present. Withholding is a punishment.

@namechange3394 @LostAtTheCrossRoad

you highlight some of my bigger problem - what am I teaching my child about healthy relationships.

I’m failing there and things are out of my control.

DD sees us as a good team, working together for her education, housework and being fun on holidays but not being loving towards each other. At sometimes making a snide comment. Disagreeing mostly.

@Cocobutt I have one child

I kindof understand him tbh, you went against a punishment going against him. That's hardly working together like a good couple and how immature what's a gift to him got anything to do with the other situation 🙄 tbh the only time my hubby gets grumpy if he had a bad week at work and a hug and few kind words always sorts it within 5 minutes. We rarely ever have bad words because we talk about everything and I would never go behind his back with our children's discipline or him me. Yes we might not always agree but the point is work together for a happy household not against each other 🙂

I have one child

So why do you have a hyper emotional household?

Why is there sleepless nights and an active household when there is only 1 child and 2 parents?

I don't understand why you ordered him the gift instead of getting yourself the bag. It was something you had earnt and clearly you didn't actually want to gift him with your reward which is completely fair enough.

On this one point I agree with you, I am rather baffled by the responses that no wife should ever get something for her husband just for him being her husband. A few weeks ago, my husband saw me in a dressing robe (I don’t normally wear it) and he said that looked comfy and he wished he had one. So I had a look around and bought him a lovely one.

But you know what, unlike you OP, I wouldn’t have taken it off him and sold it just because we had a childish spat and especially not when I am at least half to blame if not more. I really think what your husband said was disgusting, no matter what language he said it in. But the whole thing was ridiculous and childish and you played a large role in that.

Yabvu for considering spending 190 on a tote. You are being ridiculous in considering selling his AirPods? Really? Speak to each other like adults.

Of course I buy my family presents, but if I get a bonus at work which will either get me the bag I want, or a present for my husband, as a reward I really think I deserve for doing my job well, of course I'd get myself the bag. That's my bonus from work.

I wouldnt let my husband say, oh i really wanted those headphones, get me those. That's MY bonus. Just like I wouldn't expect him to give me his reward from work.

I think you were being a martyr, regretted it and now you're looking for a way to get the bag back, if I'm honest. Either that or you have a dysfunctional relationship that I can't quite understand.

I think it screams volumes that your husband was selfish enough to ask you to buy something for him, with your reward in the first place. That alone makes him a massive dick IMO.

What is this bargaining nonsense?!
There’s a time and a place.
A open discussion to review a bedtime after a birthday where they’re encouraged to come up with their reasons is fine.
But you don’t bargain over who sleeps where, or need punishments. Sometimes you TELL them.

As for the AirPods - of course families do nice things for each other, but you were just a mug. If you haven’t given them to him yet, I certainly wouldn’t after his crap.