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AIBU?

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Original poster

To sell the gift meant for DH?

139 replies

Watchamocauli · 03/02/2023 16:53

I recently ordered airpods from Work recognition website. I could have chosen a Kate Spade tote but DH said he would like the AirPods since I have them too. So ordered it few weeks ago. It arrived today.

Now last night, DH had a unusual strop - foot stomping while walking down the stairs saying me and DD (10) are ruining his life. And chose to sleep on the sofa. This was after watching Apprentice together.

DD as usual was trying to get in our bed and I threatened to take her devices. By that time he had settle in her bed. Then she went back to sleep in her own bed. He said she will still lose her devices. DD started crying and I said ok since you have gone back to your bed, the punishment is cancelled. He heard this a stormed off saying we have ruined his life.

in my defence, yesterday I was at a full day workshop in office after 3 years so was exhausted for any arguments or fights with DD

since this morning he has offered to make tea but no apology

OP posts:
Choconut · 03/02/2023 18:19

God your poor dd in the middle of all this, no wonder she wants to sleep in your bed she's probably feeling insecure if this is how you both behave.

Why couldn't you just say, it's not the weekend so you can't sleep in tonight but it'll soon be Friday and then you can - why would either of you need to punish her over this? Is that what you do the moment she doesn't do what you tell her?

Cocobutt · 03/02/2023 18:19

WTAF!

There is a poor child in the middle of all of this childish behaviour and if you both can’t sort it out and act your age, then you need to separate asap for your daughters sake.

BevMarsh · 03/02/2023 18:20

Sell them.

I'd not want the tote now though as it'd remind me of this fiasco.

Cocobutt · 03/02/2023 18:22

How many children do you have?

Do they all sleep in your bed on the weekends?

Piffle11 · 03/02/2023 18:26

I mentioned to DH airpods are available and I ordered them.

Why mention this to him? You already have AirPods… You could have just ordered the bag and not mentioned the AirPods at all.

JessesMum777888 · 03/02/2023 18:30

My kids jump in with me some nights for a film , the oldest is 24 ! If my husband said that ruins his life he can get out of it. Wierd.

redskydelight · 03/02/2023 18:47

JessesMum777888 · 03/02/2023 18:30

My kids jump in with me some nights for a film , the oldest is 24 ! If my husband said that ruins his life he can get out of it. Wierd.

I don't suppose your 24 year old tries to sleep with you though ... which is what OP's DD was trying t odo.

Original poster
Watchamocauli · 03/02/2023 18:48

Piffle11 · 03/02/2023 18:26

I mentioned to DH airpods are available and I ordered them.

Why mention this to him? You already have AirPods… You could have just ordered the bag and not mentioned the AirPods at all.

@Piffle11

I was showing him the site and he asked for it. So I ordered it.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 03/02/2023 18:49

I was showing him the site and he asked for it. So I ordered it.

Would he do the same for you?

Original poster
Watchamocauli · 03/02/2023 18:53

Cocobutt · 03/02/2023 18:19

WTAF!

There is a poor child in the middle of all of this childish behaviour and if you both can’t sort it out and act your age, then you need to separate asap for your daughters sake.

@Cocobutt

we are staying together for that child’s sake.
DD didn’t hear or won’t understand what was said . He said it in another language.

but I heard and cried myself to sleep. Was too tired to say anything in return

OP posts:
Original poster
Watchamocauli · 03/02/2023 18:59

Coffeellama · 03/02/2023 17:59

That’s totally understandable OP, but if you want to leave then leave, making the big changes is understandable if you are not happy and he isn’t treating you properly. Selling the gift would still be an immature reaction to this situation and wouldn’t change anything, you’d argue more, you’d be the immature one, and you’d get no satisfaction out of the bag. Is it going to make him treat you better? No. Does it make up for how he spoke about your DD while she could hear? No. Talking about the situation is needed.

Show quote history

@Coffeellama

I don’t want to leave. Not make my child go through separation. She is quite sensitive.
we have a been married for 17 yrs have good life and squandered it over what? Does either or both of is need counselling or therapy? Maybe

DD didn’t hear and if she did then did understand. He spoke in another language. I was very hurt but had no energy to fight so just cried. Its unusual for me not to say anything.

I suppose I’m compensating for not able to get back at him for those hurtful words

OP posts:
Cocobutt · 03/02/2023 19:13

we are staying together for that child’s sake.
DD didn’t hear or won’t understand what was said . He said it in another language.

This is not fair on your DD.
You are not being good parents but putting your relationship before your daughter.

She may not understand the language (even though that would be odd in itself as children with parents who speak a second language usually are bi-lingual too) but even if it was a language she’s never heard before she would still feel the tension and understand the words weren’t nice ones.

How many other children do you have?
Were they there too?

Watchamocauli · 03/02/2023 19:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

GoodChat · 03/02/2023 19:21

DD didn’t hear and if she did then did understand. He spoke in another language.

Even if she didn't understand she'll know whatever he said wasn't nice. I highly doubt she's lived in a house where you both speak a second language for 10 years without picking any of it up.

You can't stay together for your daughter. That's toxic. People who say that normally at least try and seem happy for the kids sake...

beautifulpaintings · 03/02/2023 19:26

I think you're right to ask him OP if that's what he really wants, and think about what you really want, too. Maybe some time apart would do you good to get some space and clarity (particularly for you).

AnotherSpare · 03/02/2023 19:40

This is all bonkers!
Your 10-year-old wants to sleep in your bed and you don't want her to. Instead of saying a firm no you issue a punishment but let her into your bed anyway. Well, presumably you let her into your bed because you say your husband then went to sleep in her bed.
Then after he has settled in her bed she decides to go back there, and you let her go instead of telling her to settle down and go to sleep now that everyone has moved around.
Then even though she's disturbed both of you in your bedroom and your husband again in the other bedroom you cancel the punishment.
So no one is asleep and everyone is annoyed.
Bizarre arrangement!

silvermantella · 03/02/2023 19:50

regardless of the other stuff, I can't work out why you bought the airpods for him in the first place. just because 'he asked for them.'? If it's a recognition for work, then it should be you buying something for yourself. Presuming it's not his birthday or anything most people don't just randomly ask their partners for £190 presents for no reason, and if they do their partners would just laugh and say 'buy them yourself if you want them!' If your friends/parents bought you the bag for your birthday presumably you wouldn't take it back for a refund to get your DH a present instead and this is basically the same - you've swapped a present intended for you for one for him.

Yes now not giving them to him because he's annoyed you would be childish but just don't understand why you got them at all! The poster who said you're giving him the same punishment as your 10 year old made a good point!

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 03/02/2023 19:56

I am another one who doesn't understand why you ordered him the air pods instead of getting yourself the tote, if you wanted it. You've very early stated you wanted the tote and it's your recognition from work.

GlassBunion · 03/02/2023 20:00

Get your tote, you've banged on about a silly bag so get it.

Tell your daughter to stay in her room.

Ignore your MIL if she riles you.

Job done.

dirt · 03/02/2023 20:03

It's telling that you say the 10 year old comes into "my" bed.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 03/02/2023 20:14

If my work recognised me for something I wouldn’t be giving it to my dh. Mad decision. My dh going around stroppy either.
Dd needs to stay in her room or lose privileges. Say she mucks about 1st time, next day no privileges. She’ll regret it. She’s probably playing up because your dh acts like a brat too.

Original poster
Watchamocauli · 04/02/2023 09:22

beautifulpaintings · 03/02/2023 19:26

I think you're right to ask him OP if that's what he really wants, and think about what you really want, too. Maybe some time apart would do you good to get some space and clarity (particularly for you).

@beautifulpaintings

I did take DD away during the Christmas break for two weeks so give him space. I saw the difference when we got back. He was happy to be around us.

that’s why its shock and disappointment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Watchamocauli · 04/02/2023 09:26

PPs asking about why would I offer something to DH meant for me. I don’t know how to answer this. I would give him or my child what they ask for… isn’t that what families do???

We both are on calls all day long. I gave him new headphones I had got for traveling in December. He doesn’t buy many things.

OP posts:
EnterFunnyNameHere · 04/02/2023 09:42

I don't think that selling them is going to help, or make you feel better, although I totally understand the motivation to do so! I do think a proper talk (when he's calmed down) about how hurtful he was is merited though.

Also, he sounds pretty selfish to me. We have a rewards system at work fairly similar to yours OP. When I have been "rewarded" for my efforts, my DH has been adamant that the money is spent on something just for me to enjoy (as opposed to something for the house or whatever). No way on this earth would he see something he fancied and ask me to spent my reward money on something for him!

Bellalalala · 04/02/2023 09:43

Watchamocauli · 04/02/2023 09:26

PPs asking about why would I offer something to DH meant for me. I don’t know how to answer this. I would give him or my child what they ask for… isn’t that what families do???

We both are on calls all day long. I gave him new headphones I had got for traveling in December. He doesn’t buy many things.

Op this is something I would do. Occasionally. If I could pick something I know would help dp or the kids would really like, I might, sometimes get something for them instead of me.

I don’t think it’s that unusual. Do would do it for me too. Or the kids and they aren’t his.

Your Dh sound unhappy and or stressed. Whether it’s just normal stress/unhappy of day to day life getting on top of him, or more I can’t say. But it might be worth taking sometime with him to discuss how he is feeling.

Most of us get stressed or unhappy with kids and partners and normal life sometimes. It’s not unusual. But you need to know how far his feelings on this go