Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think workplace baby showers are inappropriate?

107 replies

CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 16:34

Context: One of the ladies in my team is expecting a baby soon and our (female manager) invited all the other women who work in the same team to a private working group to organise a baby shower for her. We all get on very well as a team and I am happy for her that she has a baby on the way.

I have nothing against throwing a general farewell "You're going on mat leave" type sendoff with everyone in the team invited (i.e. the guys too!) where we give a signed card, a group present and maybe have cake. That seems like a normal thing to do.

However, we all work remotely (in different countries) and this thing has transformed into a full scale event and since I'm the only woman on the team who lives near the mum-to-be I'm now expected to book a restaurant for her, balloons, coordinate the gifts etc.

...which brings me to the bit where I know I'm being unreasonable but is my argument against having baby showers at work - I've been struggling with fertility for 3 years. Work is one of the areas of my life where I didn't think I'd be confronted with it, and every day there's new messages about this "Baby Shower" (that's what they're calling it). It's like a punch in the gut every time I get a new message about it but there's no way I can ask to not get involved without just coming across as sour so I have to grin and bear with it. It's going to be a full afternoon of talking about the baby/playing baby-themed games etc.

I guess I was interested to see if other people agree that it's a bit of an odd/inappropriate thing to arrange at work or whether I'm just being a sourpuss?

OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 03/02/2023 16:41

Yanbu to feel how you feel however i wouldn't say generally that they're inappropriate. You should be able to say you're unable to make the arrangements though. Booking restaurants and arranging for things to be delivered can also be done remotely and you need to just say you're not able to help with arrangements. Imo it should be an opt in for anyone at work and i would personally have invited the guys too.

Glitterandunicorns · 03/02/2023 16:44

Hi Op. I'm so sorry about your fertility problems. I've been there and it's brutal.

You're completely right and I agree it's in no way appropriate. As you've said, perhaps a farewell lunch for the parent to be, but a baby shower is not appropriate for a workplace.

DappledThings · 03/02/2023 16:44

Seems like a way over the top thing for a colleague but then I think all baby showers are cringefests anyway. I wouldn't go and I definitely wouldn't be organising it.

SingingSands · 03/02/2023 16:45

Yanbu

Sounds like work life and real life boundaries blended together on this occasion!

Why is your manager so involved?

I feel for you. This would annoy me too, it's too much.

Devoutspoken · 03/02/2023 16:45

Yeah, fuck that

RoseGoldEagle · 03/02/2023 16:45

Agree with a PP, booking the restaurant and sorting any decorations shouldn’t have to fall to you- either because you live the nearest or because you’re a woman. Agree a general farewell party would be better. Does your pregnant colleague even know about it? I would have hated something like that at work with the games etc, I was worried about various things and felt it would be tempting fate to do the whole ‘guess the sex/weight’ etc. You are definitely not being unreasonable

trampoline123 · 03/02/2023 16:46

Not my thing, but I wouldn't call it inappropriate.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/02/2023 16:46

YANBU, not appropriate imo.

escapingthecity · 03/02/2023 16:46

Can you quietly say to your manager that you find it very upsetting to be asked to organise it and please can this fall to someone else?

Fleabigg · 03/02/2023 16:47

Yes I think it’s totally inappropriate. As you say, a general send off lunch to which male colleagues were also invited would be fine but this is something different and not ok.

4thonthe4th · 03/02/2023 16:47

You’re all travelling to a country just to have a meal with someone you all work with online?
sounds batshit to me

Pansypotter123 · 03/02/2023 16:48

How is this going to work anyway if you're all in different countries?

Cautionsharpblade · 03/02/2023 16:49

I’d be mortified by the male/female split at work.

I’m female but I have no interest in baby showers and never ever attend. it’s like work are saying ‘women! You all like babies don’t you?!’ Well no, actually…

wishing you all the best with your fertility struggle x

Original poster
CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 16:51

Thank you for your responses, it's nice to know that I'm not being completely crazy!

To answer some questions - colleague has no idea this is being planned. I don't think she'd ever suggest it as something she'd like to participate in (she never goes to any after hours work events where we live and we have them every month).

Our manager does kind of get overexcited about things (as you can probably tell by the OP!). I have to admit we do tend to blend work/life a bit more than we should as a team, probably due to working remotely and from trying hard to bond over Slack!

I think it's a bit of a difficult conversation to have with my manager although I know I should. I think they thought I'd be happy to organise it as I tend to attend the monthly meetups with the other people who work in my location and tend to be a bit overly keen to get involved in projects at work etc.

OP posts:
CrapBucket · 03/02/2023 16:51

Would it work for you to tell your manager that 'someone who wants to remain anonymous' has said that this is bringing up fertility issues and doesn't fit with HR Best Practice. Suggest it is reframed as a parental leave celebration and everyone is invited.

ChippyTea16 · 03/02/2023 16:52

YANBU. Eugh I hate baby showers! Luckily whenever I'm invited to one I just politely decline without giving a reason and it's never been an issue but I can see how this would be more awkward when it's at work. If anyone does ask I just say I have a personal policy against them and would rather celebrate once the baby has arrived safely.

What exactly are you being asked to book if you're all in different countries? Are all the women in this 'group' going to attending the baby shower? Or is it for the local team who aren't in this group your boss has set up? In your shoes I would just have a word with your boss and say sorry but you're not able to be involved, you're finding it too difficult and ask that someone else takes over the planning of it. If she pushes, I would absolutely say that work baby showers are inappropriate and you shouldn't be made to feel pressured to join in.

Sorry to hear about your fertility issues and hope that one day you will have your own (appropriate!) shower 💐

Original poster
CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 16:52

4thonthe4th and Pansypotter123 the plan is that we all meet up in our respective locations and coordinate over Zoom.

Have managed to convince manager to invite the men at least! Did feel a bit sexist to me "HEY YOU'RE A WOMAN, YOU MUST BE INTERESTED IN THIS" 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 16:53

CrapBucket I think that's a really good suggestion, but I don't think it helps that I'm the only person in this location so might as well be straight with the manager as she would connect the dots if I raised your point and also didn't want to get involved in any of the planning

OP posts:
4thonthe4th · 03/02/2023 16:53

CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 16:52

4thonthe4th and Pansypotter123 the plan is that we all meet up in our respective locations and coordinate over Zoom.

Have managed to convince manager to invite the men at least! Did feel a bit sexist to me "HEY YOU'RE A WOMAN, YOU MUST BE INTERESTED IN THIS" 🙄

That sounds shit. 1/2 people dotted about in various countries on a zoom baby shower. No.

Why bother booking a restaurant ?

Original poster
CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 16:55

ChippyTea16 yeah the work thing really complicates things. If it was someone in my personal life I could just explain the situation and they'd accept it and we'd move on. But with office politics etc (and I have a promotion cycle coming up which I don't want to jinx), I would rather just roll with the punches this time, get through it and when I get pregnant (fingers crossed!) just let my manager know I don't want a baby shower (and tell her the truth).

OP posts:
TheKeatingFive · 03/02/2023 16:56

I don't think it's inappropriate, but they should be careful about who the organising falls to.

Original poster
CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 16:56

Hahaha 4thonthe4th I think you're right, especially with the internet connectivity over here it might be pretty awkward.

I think it's really just an excuse for the manager to throw a party in her location with the other team members (there's more team members there than the other locations).

OP posts:
PinkPlantCase · 03/02/2023 16:57

CrapBucket · 03/02/2023 16:51

Would it work for you to tell your manager that 'someone who wants to remain anonymous' has said that this is bringing up fertility issues and doesn't fit with HR Best Practice. Suggest it is reframed as a parental leave celebration and everyone is invited.

I think this is a good idea, as your organising most of it it would make sense that someone may have messaged you privately about it.

It’d be easy enough to pass it off as you helping your manager out by mentioning to them that it was making some people uncomfortable

Assuming you aren’t the only other women of child bearing age

Original poster
CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 17:01

So the way it's being managed is that each location has one person organising the meetup for that location. It just so happens that only me and the pregnant lady live in my location. There is one other man in our team who lives here but there's no way he'd get involved or be expected to get involved.

I know I'm being a wet blanket. I did ask one of my colleagues (who I'm close to) if she could do the location scouting/find the suppliers etc. and I'd handle anything that only someone over here can do (e.g. payments etc.). Thankfully she said yes.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 03/02/2023 17:02

While I'm sorry for your struggles, I don't think a workplace baby shower is inappropriate. I accidentally pressed that I thought you were being reasonable though.

I am sure that if you told the manager you didn't want to organise it that would be fine.