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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think workplace baby showers are inappropriate?

107 replies

CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 16:34

Context: One of the ladies in my team is expecting a baby soon and our (female manager) invited all the other women who work in the same team to a private working group to organise a baby shower for her. We all get on very well as a team and I am happy for her that she has a baby on the way.

I have nothing against throwing a general farewell "You're going on mat leave" type sendoff with everyone in the team invited (i.e. the guys too!) where we give a signed card, a group present and maybe have cake. That seems like a normal thing to do.

However, we all work remotely (in different countries) and this thing has transformed into a full scale event and since I'm the only woman on the team who lives near the mum-to-be I'm now expected to book a restaurant for her, balloons, coordinate the gifts etc.

...which brings me to the bit where I know I'm being unreasonable but is my argument against having baby showers at work - I've been struggling with fertility for 3 years. Work is one of the areas of my life where I didn't think I'd be confronted with it, and every day there's new messages about this "Baby Shower" (that's what they're calling it). It's like a punch in the gut every time I get a new message about it but there's no way I can ask to not get involved without just coming across as sour so I have to grin and bear with it. It's going to be a full afternoon of talking about the baby/playing baby-themed games etc.

I guess I was interested to see if other people agree that it's a bit of an odd/inappropriate thing to arrange at work or whether I'm just being a sourpuss?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 03/02/2023 17:07

The person whose idea it was should organise it. No you shouldn't have to get involved at all. People are too good at coming up with ideas and passing it on to somebody else to do the work.

Original poster
CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 17:09

Oh forgot to mention, this is happening during work hours, has already been blocked off in our calendars so if I said I wasn't going then that would be awkward as hell and I'd rather not then have to answer 19 people's questions on why I'm not going

OP posts:
honeypancake · 03/02/2023 17:10

This is so bizarre, you are all not even in one location. Why bother with a restaurant and the baby shower? So will it be just you and the expecting mother in your location and others going out in their locations and you all Zoom? How weird! Why not just do a Zoom type of event for everyone from the office perhaps in late afternoon where you will hand over the present and that's it? It would only be appropriate to have a work baby shower if you all were a small company, one office, and everyone is basically friends.

CantAskAnyoneElse · 03/02/2023 17:10

Oh, hell no!!
How ridiculous!
There has to be a limits to this pandering to parents.

Not only is this stupid, but…
Why would you have to organize it? Why only women? Why do only women have to suffer this non-sense? Why not men?

YANBU.
Just say no.

MaverickGooseGoose · 03/02/2023 17:11

Also not my thing but I don't think it's in appropriate.

Ponoka7 · 03/02/2023 17:16

"There is one other man in our team who lives here but there's no way he'd get involved or be expected to get involved."

I would be having a discussion on that later on. There should be no work expectations based on sex.

roarfeckingroarr · 03/02/2023 17:17

It sounds OTT but I don't think it's fair to say baby related recognition events should be banned at work because some people may have fertility problems

ACynicalDad · 03/02/2023 17:32

I don't think a work baby shower is inappropriate but I do think it's wrong to coerce anyone into coming, let alone organising.

Animallover87 · 03/02/2023 17:35

ChippyTea16 · 03/02/2023 16:52

YANBU. Eugh I hate baby showers! Luckily whenever I'm invited to one I just politely decline without giving a reason and it's never been an issue but I can see how this would be more awkward when it's at work. If anyone does ask I just say I have a personal policy against them and would rather celebrate once the baby has arrived safely.

What exactly are you being asked to book if you're all in different countries? Are all the women in this 'group' going to attending the baby shower? Or is it for the local team who aren't in this group your boss has set up? In your shoes I would just have a word with your boss and say sorry but you're not able to be involved, you're finding it too difficult and ask that someone else takes over the planning of it. If she pushes, I would absolutely say that work baby showers are inappropriate and you shouldn't be made to feel pressured to join in.

Sorry to hear about your fertility issues and hope that one day you will have your own (appropriate!) shower 💐

I see you are a fellow reader of the life changing magic of not giving a fck 🙌

gemloving · 03/02/2023 17:38

I've had two kids and that's a bit over the top. Farewell lunch and that's ok.

Lottapianos · 03/02/2023 17:38

'I know I'm being a wet blanket'

You're not. At all. You're coping extremely well with something that must be very painful for you

I think this sounds completely over the top and ridiculous. Not a chance I would be getting involved in any of this. What's wrong with a collection for a card and a gift? Maybe a meal, but only for people who want to attend, with NO obligation to do so

Blocking time out in people's calendars? Fuck that sky high

Original poster
CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 17:48

Lottapianos thank you, that actually means a lot to me at the moment.

One of our company values is kindness (which I love in general) so another issue with being too abrasive is being accused of going against company values / being unkind (when I do try to be nice in general!).

Just to clarify I'm not against general "Congrats, it's a baby!" and giving a card/gift/cake deal. It's just the prospect of a whole afternoon of guessing who's who from baby photos/guessing the weight and gender of the baby/names. Literally a whole afternoon of talking about babies... It just doesn't feel...great.

OP posts:
Original poster
CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 17:51

Ponoka7 · 03/02/2023 17:16

"There is one other man in our team who lives here but there's no way he'd get involved or be expected to get involved."

I would be having a discussion on that later on. There should be no work expectations based on sex.

Yeah I did raise that with my manager, thankfully it prompted her to invite all the men on the team (although she hasn't actually then proceeded to ask if they would consider being part of the planning 🙄)

OP posts:
earsup · 03/02/2023 17:52

All baby showers are cringe and tacky.... a bout of covid is your friend here....!!

SnackSizeRaisin · 03/02/2023 17:56

I had one at work (not my idea) but it was just a bring and share lunch and they gave me a gift and card. All invited. No balloons or expense or excessive emails. One colleague who's a good friend organised it - no pressure on anyone else to do anything. Just a chance to socialise -no baby chat.

It's a bit much to be tasked with organising a big do. Different if it's on a voluntary basis for a friend

Original poster
CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 17:59

@SnackSizeRaisin that sounds lovely (and sane)! I wouldn't object to something like that!

OP posts:
silvermantella · 03/02/2023 18:06

I put yabu because I have been to absolutely loads of baby showers for colleagues so I can't see that it's inappropriate when it seems like a normal thing to do, rather than some new trendy thing that a lot of MNers seem to consider it.
Lots of people make their closest friends through work, so it would be quite harsh to say it's 'inappropriate' to celebrate a major life event with their friends!

I also (while sympathetic to you) don't really agree with your point that baby showers are inappropriate for the workplace, because your rationale seems to be because it's something that negatively effects you. Surely many celebrations of major life events have the potential to upset someone - is it fair to celebrate a colleague's wedding around people who might be unhappily single? Buying their first house when lower paid colleagues will never be in a position to do so? Early retirement in mid 50s when younger staff will be probably working until their 70s? I also don't really see your rationale that a 'general farewell' would be okay but a 'baby shower' (which now the men are invited) involves the same people, giving gifts, etc. isn't? Surely if you don't think it's ok to make a big fuss about a specific life event, that's your position, rather than celebrating it in x way is fine, but celebrating it in y (slightly more elaborate way) isn't.

However it would be absolutely fine for you to not be the person to do all the organising, and I would just tell your manager that. You don't even go into details, just say "I'm happy to come to X's baby shower but for personal reasons I can't be the person to organise it.' Really whoever came up with the idea should be organising it, if you all work in different places why should it matter if you're the closest? Restaurants all have phone numbers and email addresses which work out of area, they don't have to be booked by a "Local"!

Original poster
CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 18:08

@silvermantella I appreciate what you're saying - I don't think an invite is inappropriate per se. It's more that it's happening literally during work hours, being organised by my manager with a 100% expectation that everyone attends. It just feels wrong to me.

It'd be different it was something organised outside of work hours with 0 obligation to go. That was more my point.

OP posts:
Original poster
CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 18:11

It's literally happening from 2pm on a Wednesday afternoon...

OP posts:
TheStarLady · 03/02/2023 18:21

I don’t understand the arrangements. Is it just going to be you with the colleague in the restaurant? And you will see everyone else via Zoom on a laptop?

What if the colleague doesn’t even want to go. Some people hate being the centre of attention.

Its also setting a precedent because you’re going to have to do the same for everyone.

Original poster
CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 18:25

Yes exactly that @TheStarLady. I have no idea how I'm going to even convince this colleague to go - as I said, she declines every work social as it is 🙈

Which then prompted manager to say that she'll look up colleague's husbands details on our HR platform to work with him to get colleague to the restaurant (let's not even go into GDPR - another person's suggestion was to DM him on instagram about it to play it a bit safer on the data protection front😂)

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 03/02/2023 18:26

'It's just the prospect of a whole afternoon of guessing who's who from baby photos/guessing the weight and gender of the baby/names. Literally a whole afternoon of talking about babies... It just doesn't feel...great.'

There is just no way I could tolerate this, and I'm not going through fertility issues. It's completely over the top and infantile. A small celebration that is OPTIONAL - fine. Behaving like this woman is the first person to ever have a baby - really not fine

OP, there is nothing 'unkind' about refusing to martyr yourself. If you don't feel you can talk about your feelings openly with your manager, then I would be coming down with a nasty bug on the day. Please look after yourself

Original poster
CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 18:27

Manager also said the dress code for the event is everyone must wear blue and/or white (baby is a boy) 😬

OP posts:
DappledThings · 03/02/2023 18:31

CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 18:27

Manager also said the dress code for the event is everyone must wear blue and/or white (baby is a boy) 😬

Batshit. I'd be laughing in the face of such nonsense.

adomizo · 03/02/2023 18:56

Give me strength I would be looking for a new job. Your manager is massively overinvested in this pregnancy. This is just all kinds of wrong.