To think workplace baby showers are inappropriate?

[CaribouCarafe]

Context: One of the ladies in my team is expecting a baby soon and our (female manager) invited all the other women who work in the same team to a private working group to organise a baby shower for her. We all get on very well as a team and I am happy for her that she has a baby on the way.

I have nothing against throwing a general farewell "You're going on mat leave" type sendoff with everyone in the team invited (i.e. the guys too!) where we give a signed card, a group present and maybe have cake. That seems like a normal thing to do.

However, we all work remotely (in different countries) and this thing has transformed into a full scale event and since I'm the only woman on the team who lives near the mum-to-be I'm now expected to book a restaurant for her, balloons, coordinate the gifts etc.

...which brings me to the bit where I know I'm being unreasonable but is my argument against having baby showers at work - I've been struggling with fertility for 3 years. Work is one of the areas of my life where I didn't think I'd be confronted with it, and every day there's new messages about this "Baby Shower" (that's what they're calling it). It's like a punch in the gut every time I get a new message about it but there's no way I can ask to not get involved without just coming across as sour so I have to grin and bear with it. It's going to be a full afternoon of talking about the baby/playing baby-themed games etc.

I guess I was interested to see if other people agree that it's a bit of an odd/inappropriate thing to arrange at work or whether I'm just being a sourpuss?

People have babies it is natural, I didn't have a baby shower as didn't want one, if I am invited I would go but not my thing at all

Nothing wrong with not wanting to organise or join in but no way do I think this is inappropriate

I think I might need to frame this and put it on my wall. Expected a flaming on AIBU and got compliments instead 🏆

YANBU OP. Struggled with fertility for nearly 3 years before falling pregnant with our daughter.
Even before that I never liked baby showers. I like to do what you have said in your OP, a farewell thing before going on maternity leave, card signed etc no problem.
If I'm close to the person I buy a card and a gift when baby is here. Baby showers are a no no for me. I didn't want one either. I always politely decline.
Work is a place where I should worry about babies/pregnancy/fertility. I work in a female dominated field and have worked with a lot of women who have/are suffering from infertility so yes I do think a workplace baby shower is inappropriate.
I think I have blocked things out as a sort of self preservation I bow out of things baby related. I would hate to be in your situation OP, sending some support over to you xx

Oh God, your manager sounds so overbearing, it’s no wonder pregnant colleague avoids work socials.

You would be better off organising a surprise seminar on boundaries between work and personal life!

What you described is a bit inappropriate and OTT. Fair enough a little send off to mat leave, but with the whole team. It only being female colleagues is strange.

That made me laugh, thank you!

Such a classic example of women in the workplace being expected to spend time on social admin that doesn’t lead to promotion.

It’s work. You’re entitled to tell your manager that you don’t want to be involved in this for personal reasons.

@CaribouCarafe
Will you be expected to sit there alone when she doesn’t show up, and carry on regardless?

Do you have a HR department? Maybe time to get them involved regarding the work time batshit party. If you cannot face doing it and being known, anonymous email and as well giving specifics include screen shots of all the messages.

@Roundandnour it would be quite funny to proceed with the baby shower sans mother-to-be...not sure they've even considered that possibility!

I'm still waiting to hear about whether their application for expenses has been approved or not - these go through our slightly brutal head of department and I'm just imagining his face when he sees an application to spend a couple hundred quid on an event that's going to take out 20 people for an entire afternoon...

I'd rather not be a sneak about the whole matter by running to HR and I actually already feel miles better after sending that message to my manager - it sounds silly but I'd felt the stress just building up in my chest for days and now I feel like I can breathe properly

😂 forget the fly on the restaurant wall when they are asked about the booking, I want to be on heads wall 😂

I do understand though about not wanting to go to hr.

Wonder what excuse will be sent out when the party is cancelled. Or if it will suddenly turn into a bill for you all to cover.

I don’t think the baby shower itself is inappropriate, however it should be open to both sexes and nobody should be coerced into organising. It should also be optional.

A bit of social chit chat is to be expected at work and collections and presentations for special events is fine....but setting up a working party and avoiding you Project Manager is OTT and unprofessional. Who's paying your wages?
As for the infertility issue, I do think its something you're gonna have to love with and not a reason to be against this. Youv enough as it is. I suspect you wondered if itcwascshaping your thinking so just went along with stuff. Lesson learnt

I'm really glad you have said something OP. Tons and tons of luck with your fertility issues, I know its been a long and painful path and I hope for good news for you soon 🍀

sounds awful and you shouldn’t have to plan it!! I hope you find a way to wiggle out of it or to take the pressure off a bit.

I think I’d have flu on the day of said event tbh.

Baby Showers are awful at the best of times, let alone a work one! I've never even known work place baby showers were a thing. In my work place, you leave when you leave on may leave, same as any other day, and when baby arrives a picture gets emailed round and a card signed and posted. We're a female dominated workplace, too. Is this not the norm? YANBU.

My team had two baby showers in quick succession during lockdown. Luckily it was all on Teams because I didn’t realise how much it would upset me. Every mother in the group told their birth stories except for me - I very carefully did not. My first baby was stillborn at full term and neither of my pregnant colleagues knew that. I now have two beautiful children but I still can’t really cope with the unabashed optimism of baby showers. Particularly with two so close together - by the end of the second one I wanted to scream “sometimes things go wrong!” You are not unreasonable to be upset by this and I hope you make it through the day ok.

@TooExtraImmatureCheddar I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, those baby showers must have felt torturous💐

Thank you to everyone who wished me luck - my brother just welcomed a little girl last night after 10 years of fertility struggles which gives me hope 🤞

I agree with you OP. Baby showers are awful. I like your idea of a joint card, present and cake. Like the same you’d do for someone if they were leaving for a new job, which is effectively what’s happening albeit probably temporarily.

YANBU. Baby showers are inappropriate, full stop.

I know someone in another team where I work (big organisation) who went through something similar - she wasn’t asked to organise it but she was put in charge of buying the team gifts (yes, plural). When she took her manager aside and confessed her fertility issues and asked just to be allowed to do actual work that day and not have to participate in a 3 hour long baby festival, her manager accused her of trying to ruin mum-to-be’s special time. She insisted that the party was work and refusal to come was refusal to do work. She suggested colleague take annual leave if she didn’t want to work.

In the end HR got involved and it got super messy - as it should’ve, the manager was a total dick. Colleague didn’t have to go but she did transfer to another team so the team lost a member of staff.

Stuff like this is really difficult. Comparisons to houses or weddings aren’t really the same as people don’t organise a 3 hour house signing or wedding party in the office. Most people don’t mind getting a card/gift and expressing well wishes, but baby showers can be so attention-seeking and relentlessly performative in a way that other celebrations just aren’t.

YANBU OP, stand your ground! You’re likely not the only person who feels as you do and you’re standing up for them too.

When will baby showers go out of fashion ?!?

Soon I hope! They are completely cringeworthy and grabby. I saw photos of someone’s on social media once and there was a blackboard with an itinerary:
1pm welcome drinks
1:30pm prediction cards
2pm present opening
It made me itch!

1:30pm prediction cards
😂
Who do they think gives a shiny shite, really? The arrogance in assuming everyone you're even vaguely acquainted with is on tenterhooks regarding the sex of your baby is quite entertaining.
Bless.

I think baby showers are hideous and I would dread to think of them appearing in the workplace. Eugh