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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think workplace baby showers are inappropriate?

107 replies

CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 16:34

Context: One of the ladies in my team is expecting a baby soon and our (female manager) invited all the other women who work in the same team to a private working group to organise a baby shower for her. We all get on very well as a team and I am happy for her that she has a baby on the way.

I have nothing against throwing a general farewell "You're going on mat leave" type sendoff with everyone in the team invited (i.e. the guys too!) where we give a signed card, a group present and maybe have cake. That seems like a normal thing to do.

However, we all work remotely (in different countries) and this thing has transformed into a full scale event and since I'm the only woman on the team who lives near the mum-to-be I'm now expected to book a restaurant for her, balloons, coordinate the gifts etc.

...which brings me to the bit where I know I'm being unreasonable but is my argument against having baby showers at work - I've been struggling with fertility for 3 years. Work is one of the areas of my life where I didn't think I'd be confronted with it, and every day there's new messages about this "Baby Shower" (that's what they're calling it). It's like a punch in the gut every time I get a new message about it but there's no way I can ask to not get involved without just coming across as sour so I have to grin and bear with it. It's going to be a full afternoon of talking about the baby/playing baby-themed games etc.

I guess I was interested to see if other people agree that it's a bit of an odd/inappropriate thing to arrange at work or whether I'm just being a sourpuss?

OP posts:

Original poster

CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 19:01

@CantAskAnyoneElse and @ChippyTea16 I've pondered over your replies and they've given me the strength to tell my manager the truth. Just sent her a message saying that I'm excited for colleague, will attend the baby shower, but won't be able to be part of the organising committee and would appreciate not getting tagged into messages/email chains as I've been struggling with infertility for 3 years and it's just too much for me at the moment to organise the baby shower. Thank you both and thank you anyone else who replied in a similar vein 💙

(I didn't mention this to her but for context: there's been messages pinging multiple times a day for a week now and it's affecting my concentration as it just hurts every time to be reminded about babies, when I'd just like to concentrate on my work).

OP posts:

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/02/2023 19:07

I am not a big fan of them full stop so I am biased, but apart from that I think they are way way too involved for a work do - they are colleagues not mates. Obviously some people might enjoy it, which is grand, but it shouldn’t be enforced like this.

Do not take on a lead role, just say you have a lot going on outside work so you just aren’t able to. I’d say that if it were me simply because I have better things to do and I am not interested in random people’s babies to be.

Also don’t be so hard on yourself - anyone having fertility issues would find this difficult and it’s totally normal. You could also develop a family emergency or long awaited day surgery that means you sadly can’t attend. I would.

RichardMarxisinnocent · 03/02/2023 19:09

So you and your pregnant colleague will be sitting at a restaurant table, with a laptop in front of you so you can be in a zoom call with other colleagues who will also be in restaurants? And you'll be there for the whole afternoon? And doing baby shower activities? And the pregnant colleague is likely to not even want to go? That sounds nuts.
Will you have headphones so as not to broadcast the zoom meeting to the whole restaurant? Sound from a laptop is generally louder than a person taking in person would be.

silentpool · 03/02/2023 19:13

It continues if you can't have children too. My work is arranging a family picnic soon. I've made my excuses as it would not be comfortable. But people don't stop to think about who might be excluded.

Original poster

CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 19:14

Haha @RichardMarxisinnocent the idea of us in the restaurant with the sound booming out of one of our laptops does sound pretty hilarious. But yes that is precisely what was planned. Not sure if it would be more awkward if it's an empty restaurant (because anyone who is there would hear anything) or if it's busy (because we'd be bothering the other diners). Us both sitting there on our laptops with our headphones in would also be totally batshit as we'd be so isolated. I don't think this has been properly thought through 😂

OP posts:

meditrina · 03/02/2023 19:17

A whip round left as cash or turned into vouchers or a present, plus a card, and leaving drinks (or cake, or whatever the usual send off gathering may be) is of course fine.

But a shower?

An event that by definition means you are obliged to bring a gift (ie more cost and effort than bunging some dosh into the envelope) is just not on.

And the shower of gifts is what marks out a shower from other celebratory parties in pregnancy. Naff games decor etc aren't a characteristic of a shower, it's just one of many types of party that can be used for a shower.

I don't think men belong at a shower (whether bridal or baby) as it's a female rite of passage

I agree OP, the should be out of office hours, only the honourees closest friends should be invited (and those who attend should be excused any leaver's whip round)

Farewell drinks (or similar) should be everyone, and I think this can overlap the end of the working day

Johnnysgirl · 03/02/2023 19:18

CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 19:14

Surely you've got the wrong end of the stick?
Because that is very clearly insane.

Original poster

CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 19:21

@Johnnysgirl I can assure you that I have checked, double-checked and triple-checked. That is indeed what they think is a good plan.

We can't have it at her house as it's meant to be a surprise. And we can't have it in my house because I absolutely won't stand for that and luckily manager hasn't even suggested it.

OP posts:

QueSyrahSyrah · 03/02/2023 19:26

OP this whole thing sounds batshit crazy. If I were you I'd be mentioning it to your pregnant colleague while she still has time to say 'lovely thought, but absolutely fucking not'.

To hell with secrecy on this occasion.

Shortpoet · 03/02/2023 19:30

I don’t think you have to tell them that you have been struggling with infertility explicitly. I think you can email and say you will be stepping back “for personal reasons”. If they can’t read between the lines and push then turn the be kind message back on itself. They are being massively unkind to you.

And I agree it’s over the top. A card and cake in the office is plenty. What’s going on with the manager that she thinks this is appropriate?

YoungMouse · 03/02/2023 19:41

I was thrown a surprise baby shower by my workplace on my penultimate day before my maternity leave and hated every second of it. My son had IUGR and was really poorly. I was going in for monitoring every other night after work. I knew he'd likely be in the NICU when he was born. I wanted him to stay inside me forever because I was terrified I was going to give birth to a dead baby (he nearly died when he was born. He's a beautiful 4yo now full of beans). I despised every second of that babyshower, all whilst feeling like a huge arse hole for not being grateful. It was awful. It didn't help that my colleague who I was very close to had had a miscarriage a week prior and didn't tell anyone at work, and was asked to partake in the planning. She felt she couldn't say no and ended up crying her car to her husband at lunch. Huge mess and never a good idea.

People should be able to choose whether they go to a babyshower or not. When they're at work, people are forced to be there and that is never fair.

Oopswediditagain2023 · 03/02/2023 19:43

I agree - most workplaces I know of have "farewell" type dos, as you say, where there might be a cake in the staff room and that type of thing, but a full blown baby shower that excludes some members of the workplace seems like a bad idea!

Roundandnour · 03/02/2023 19:48

Would love to be a fly on the wall when the restaurant is contacted and they are told this idea 😂

Hopefully they take full advantage and charge as the whole team being at the restaurant.

Original poster

CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 19:48

Oh gosh @YoungMouse that sounds so horribly stressful - I'm so glad that your son pulled through ❤

OP posts:

ChippyTea16 · 03/02/2023 19:50

Oh well done @CaribouCarafe im so glad you were able to say that to your boss and hopefully it might make her think about the impact of her actions on other people. I get she’s probably just getting caught up in the excitement but it’s really strange behaviour (in my opinion!) and like others have said the pregnant colleague might actually hate it! I hope you can get through it unscathed and if it goes down badly at least she won’t try it again! ❤

Rainbowdrops2021 · 03/02/2023 19:55

I think it sounds amazing how caring your boss is and how she seems to be genuinely happy about another team members fortunate news which basically means she will be a person down, I think baby showers with co workers are totally fine but I don’t think they should be done in working hours as it doesn’t give anyone the chance to decline and I also think it’s unfair that organising it all has fallen on you. I can only imagine how hard this is for you OP and I hope you get your wish of being a mum very soon.

typopro · 03/02/2023 20:36

This plan sounds absolutely bonkers. Stupid idea. Baby showers are dreadfully grabby. Celebrate the baby when it's arrived safely.

Sorry you are going through a hard time OP.

silvermantella · 03/02/2023 20:48

ok given your update I've changed my mind - I thought it was being organised via work but would take place outside work hours (or at least over lunch), and didn't realise the other colleagues wouldn't even be there in person! And, key, that it would be optional!

Yes it is hugely inappropriate to basically have a party for this 1 event in work time and make it mandatory, particularly if you don't then do the same for everyone else's celebratory events and don't recognise that this event in particular might be upsetting for some people.

However even more so the idea that a restaurant would be happy for 2 people to sit there for hours play party games, and have a loud laptop meeting is very unlikely and would be horrifically cringey and weird for you and expecting colleague! I think you've done the right thing in telling your manager but I would have taken it further and said you can't attend in person (given you'd be the only person there!) - basically it just needs to be a half hour online meeting thing.

Hopefully the colleague who is expecting will just refuse to come if she doesn't do work socials.

Hello12345678910 · 03/02/2023 20:52

My work place threw me one
I didnt ask for one
I didnt want one

It must have cost a fortune

I hated it

(I didnt have or want a personal/outside of/family and friends one either - I just not my thing!)

Original poster

CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 21:03

The funny thing is that this colleague tends to be off sick quite frequently (even before the pregnancy and now more frequently), and from my perspective, is often out of office more often when there's important meetings planned. This baby shower has been blocked off as an "audit" in our calendars. So it's actually highly likely that she won't show up to her own baby shower 😂

I do think it might be best for our manager to just be upfront about it with her and plan it on her terms.

Failing that, and what I would've done personally, is just arrange for flowers/gifts/cake to be delivered to her house during one of our weekly team meetings over Zoom and surprise her that way - then there's no pressure on her, she feels the love from the team, and we just move on with our day!

OP posts:

Thepossibility · 03/02/2023 21:03

I'd be a bit annoyed to be invited to a work baby shower. If I was close to the mum I'd be invited to her real baby shower.
That being said I hate baby showers (including my own). They are boring and grabby.

Blossomtoes · 03/02/2023 21:08

I’d be going sick that Wednesday.

Original poster

CaribouCarafe · 03/02/2023 21:11

@Blossomtoes I can't imagine anything sadder than dragging a 7 month pregnant lady to a restaurant that she hasn't even picked to be forced to participate in a celebratory Zoom meeting ON HER OWN because I'd taken the day off sick. I couldn't do that to her, even if I think the idea is bonkers!

OP posts:

dogdaydown · 03/02/2023 21:12

Devoutspoken · 03/02/2023 16:45

Yeah, fuck that

This

Blossomtoes · 03/02/2023 21:13

See, that’s your trouble @CaribouCarafe, you’re much too nice 😊

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