DH wants to pull out of house purchase because it's "too stressful"

[LightBuzzyear27]

We are 8 months into a house sale and purchase, and are literally days away from exchange and due to complete a week today. For a few weeks DH has been grumbling about how stressful it is, how he doesn't think it would be worth it, and doesn't actually care if we move anymore, but he's never actually said "let's pull out". I reassured him it will all be fine and not to stress about anything. Things have still progressed and we got a call today to say we couldn't exchange today as planned but will hopefully be Monday or Tuesday next week now, still with a view to complete on Friday. DH has now come out and said he doesn't actually want to move, it's too stressful with the uncertainty of if it is actually going to go ahead, the packing and actual moving will be stressful, and we won't be able to do anything we want to do to it straight away as we're sinking all out money into it, so that will be stressful too.

Now, unfortunately, when DH gets even the tiniest bit stressed, he shuts down/withdraws/loses interest and there's no coming back from it. And now I don't know what to do, as it seems either way one of us will be unhappy.

We have 3 kids, and are moving about half an hour away. It will be closer to my parents though that is not the reason for the move. We are in a 3 bed semi, on a busy road, with noisy inconsiderate neighbours, no driveway for our 2 cars, and a small garden. The new house in detached on a quiet cul-de-sac, with a large driveway, large garden. It's still a 3 bed, but it has the scope to extend, which our current house also doesn't have.

He's worried about money, I know that, but our outgoings will stay the same. I am looking to change jobs to a better paid one, but will need to put 2 kids in nursery to do so, so my wage probably won't change from what it is now. He earns well, but it's quiet at the moment, and his current work place is an hour away from the new house, and it will add 2 hours onto his already long night shifts. He's applied for over 30 jobs closer to the new house and not heard anything back so he's getting stressed about that too.

He's also refusing to pack so I've had to make a start on my own, with 2 under 2. I can do bits in the evening but I still won't get it all done by myself.

Does anyone have any advice? AIBU to still want to move? How do I convince DH it's going to be short term stress for long term happiness? His brain doesn't seem to work like mine and he's not very rational/logical, especially when he's in one of his funks.

Have you worked those length of shifts ? 12.5 hours nights 5 days a week with a long commute ? If you haven't done it you don't know what's it like. Even if it's a minimal time it's still very fucking dangerous. He's already working over time I would only do max 4 12.5 hours a week and I get exhausted , he's doing 5 with the long commute on top it's very very dangerous.
I would rather my husband was ok Vs crashing the car.

He's obviously.working 5 12 hour night shifts as hes worrying about money. Most people do 3 or 4 because it's fucking knackering 5 and a long commute is so so dangerous . OP needs to get a better paid job and contribute to buying her dream property instead of her DH working himself to death.

That is a long commute, man...

Estate agent fees are payable on completion or after 10 months, whichever comes first. So they need paying either way.

I wish people would read the full fucking thread!!! I am NOT making him do loads of hours, plus a long commute. He has CHOSEN to do the hours he does at the moment, FOR this house move. He may reduce them once we are settled, but for the time being he wants to do them, because he likes us having extra disposable income or money to save. The commute was NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE AN ISSUE!!!! Jesus Christ.

For everyone's information, I do work, and have indeed worked long shifts, and night shifts for many years, including on holidays like Xmas day. I now only work part time because we have 2 under 2 and I am just finishing maternity leave. I have done a qualification to be able to go into a different field which pays well which I am intending to do once we move. That unfortunately means 2 under 2 need someone else to look after them, which costs money, so a majority of any pay increase is likely to be eaten up by childcare. So making out like I'm sitting on my arse expecting my husband to work himself into the ground whilst I contribute absolutely nothing is absolute bullshit that you're inventing. And FYI, whilst we have saved some of the money for the move jointly, the majority of the money for the new house has come from ME!

The new house is £52,000 more than our current house. Our mortgage is only increasing by £20,000. We are porting our current mortgage rate so only paying a new higher rate on £20k which is less than £100 a month more. When we move another bill of £320 will be gone, and with other increases in council tax, insurances, etc the cost is actually less.

ANYWAY....lots more packing done over the weekend. Boxes everywhere 🙈 DH has been his normal self, doesn't seem to be stressing out so much now. He's going to be calling around a few places about jobs today so hoping something comes of that. I actually asked him if he definitely wants to move or if he does want to pull out, he's not the type to lie just to keep me happy, and he said yes he wants to move and we've been talking about things we are excited about/looking forward to once we do.

Fingers crossed for exchange imminently, @LightBuzzyear27 !

And just the clarify regarding the commute and I think people are getting confused. He won't be driving 2 hours there and 2 hours back.

Currently he commutes 30-40 minutes.

The new commute, as per Google maps, says typically between 1hr 10 and 1hr 40 mins. At the times he works, I'm inclined to say it'll be more like 1hr 10 as there won't be rush hour traffic or anything.

Also,.for the people that are saying that my maths doesn't add up, have you never heard of traffic? Or that you can drive faster on a motorway vs other roads?

Thank you @EchoEchobelly , no news so far today, going to chase up when I'm in the car to pick my DS up from school.

Hope you exchange today / tomorrow and have a good move - sounds like last minute panic to me! All that stress - I would be the same! There’s a part of me that would go ‘fuck it I don’t want to move anymore’, knowing full well I did, I was just finding it so stressful as moving is horrific.
hope it all goes well & you love your new home.

Great glad everything looks like it's going to happen after all this time good luck with the move!

Glad to read that things are a little better, hope the move goes well.

Moving house and the whole process should be a lot simpler not under present law which is a spivs charter in England. Won't help you but it should be changed.

The last few days are always a bit agonising!

Sounds positive OP. Well done for keeping everything together. Moving can be incredibly stressful at the best of times, without all this last-minute hassle. Hang in there.

You are doing brilliantly, both of you, keeping on track. None of this is easy, never mind with two children under two. (I still remember the stress of packing and moving over 25 years ago when I thought I was not going to get everything done in time and was ready to fall down from the extreme stress and tiredness.)

You have your heads screwed on, are organised and are making a good move for good reasons.

All power to you both and I look forward to news of your exchange in the next day or so and then arrival in the new house.

Hope it all goes well! Enjoy your new home 😊

I wonder if all the people coating you off know how difficult it is to look after 2 under twos. Yeah, it's ok when they're sleeping, but as you know you never turn off. 24/7

Good luck and happiness in you're journey, you two sound good for each other. Supportive and carrying for each other is truly loving. I get you are in a strong relationship, where one side is on a wobble. Well, you're doing great. Hope you both can sigh when you walk over that threshold. Fingers crossed x

It sounds like the reality is hitting him now that he's struggling to find another job closer to new house. It's not just a case of 'pushing through a few more months' as he could then have an untold number of months of doing ridiculously long days after moving.

It's easy for strangers to call him selfish but if the roles were reversed I bet we'd have different replies. If the OP was explaining that she already had the stress of being the main earner and was now potentially adding two more hours a day onto an already long shift. She thought she'd find something else but is now panicking and husband is being unsympathetic.

I bet people would be calling him selfish and telling OP she shouldn't have to bear all the mental load on her own/saying that husband needs to step up and contribute more financially etc.

Hey OP, how did the move go? Was just reading all your posts on here and was hoping all went well x

We've had an email from the solicitor this morning saying they are expecting to exchange today so fingers crossed because I don't think even my stress levels can handle exchange and completion on the same day if it comes to that, for it to potentially all fall through at the last minute when we have our entire house packed into the back of a van, and I really don't stress that easily. Weirdly, DH is extremely calm. He's taken a few days off work to help with the packing so I think that has helped not having to think about that for now.

Everything crossed for you!

Good luck OP.

My DH hated moving with a vengeance-he hates change, in reality.

Goodluck. And keep calm.

I exchanged and completed on the same day, got a text out of the blue while I was
at work!! My Dad bless him sorted the van, loaded all my stuff and then waited till I finished work and met me at new house. Was less than ideal! Couldn’t have done it without my parents!!
You sound like you’ve got it all covered though and you’re just waiting to go. You’ll be fine.

Aww good luck hope all goes well x

This is the worst bit OP, once exchange has happened, and you get packed the stress will lift, moving day is tiring, but you are getting there, after all these months.

Good luck, wishing you all the very best in your new home

I think it's all systems go for today, solicitor has called and now DH is on his way to the bank to send the money to them, I'm so nervous I think I might cry with relief once it's all done.

Thank you for the well wishes everyone x