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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to pull out of house purchase because it's "too stressful"

335 replies

LightBuzzyear27 · 03/02/2023 16:11

We are 8 months into a house sale and purchase, and are literally days away from exchange and due to complete a week today. For a few weeks DH has been grumbling about how stressful it is, how he doesn't think it would be worth it, and doesn't actually care if we move anymore, but he's never actually said "let's pull out". I reassured him it will all be fine and not to stress about anything. Things have still progressed and we got a call today to say we couldn't exchange today as planned but will hopefully be Monday or Tuesday next week now, still with a view to complete on Friday. DH has now come out and said he doesn't actually want to move, it's too stressful with the uncertainty of if it is actually going to go ahead, the packing and actual moving will be stressful, and we won't be able to do anything we want to do to it straight away as we're sinking all out money into it, so that will be stressful too.

Now, unfortunately, when DH gets even the tiniest bit stressed, he shuts down/withdraws/loses interest and there's no coming back from it. And now I don't know what to do, as it seems either way one of us will be unhappy.

We have 3 kids, and are moving about half an hour away. It will be closer to my parents though that is not the reason for the move. We are in a 3 bed semi, on a busy road, with noisy inconsiderate neighbours, no driveway for our 2 cars, and a small garden. The new house in detached on a quiet cul-de-sac, with a large driveway, large garden. It's still a 3 bed, but it has the scope to extend, which our current house also doesn't have.

He's worried about money, I know that, but our outgoings will stay the same. I am looking to change jobs to a better paid one, but will need to put 2 kids in nursery to do so, so my wage probably won't change from what it is now. He earns well, but it's quiet at the moment, and his current work place is an hour away from the new house, and it will add 2 hours onto his already long night shifts. He's applied for over 30 jobs closer to the new house and not heard anything back so he's getting stressed about that too.

He's also refusing to pack so I've had to make a start on my own, with 2 under 2. I can do bits in the evening but I still won't get it all done by myself.

Does anyone have any advice? AIBU to still want to move? How do I convince DH it's going to be short term stress for long term happiness? His brain doesn't seem to work like mine and he's not very rational/logical, especially when he's in one of his funks.

OP posts:
Tigertigertigertiger · 04/02/2023 20:08

put On your bulldozer pants and keep moving forward !

Marango · 04/02/2023 20:18

Wow he needs to grow some. If you pull out you will have wasted legals, searches, mortgage application fees (if getting a mortgage), if getting a mortgage and purchase has been going months presumably your existing mortgage offer interest rate is much better than what you'd get now if starting again? There are so many reasons to do it and once all the aggro is over and dust settled he'll look back and wonder wtf was the matter with him!

Mozero · 04/02/2023 20:19

LightBuzzyear27 · 03/02/2023 16:11

We are 8 months into a house sale and purchase, and are literally days away from exchange and due to complete a week today. For a few weeks DH has been grumbling about how stressful it is, how he doesn't think it would be worth it, and doesn't actually care if we move anymore, but he's never actually said "let's pull out". I reassured him it will all be fine and not to stress about anything. Things have still progressed and we got a call today to say we couldn't exchange today as planned but will hopefully be Monday or Tuesday next week now, still with a view to complete on Friday. DH has now come out and said he doesn't actually want to move, it's too stressful with the uncertainty of if it is actually going to go ahead, the packing and actual moving will be stressful, and we won't be able to do anything we want to do to it straight away as we're sinking all out money into it, so that will be stressful too.

Now, unfortunately, when DH gets even the tiniest bit stressed, he shuts down/withdraws/loses interest and there's no coming back from it. And now I don't know what to do, as it seems either way one of us will be unhappy.

We have 3 kids, and are moving about half an hour away. It will be closer to my parents though that is not the reason for the move. We are in a 3 bed semi, on a busy road, with noisy inconsiderate neighbours, no driveway for our 2 cars, and a small garden. The new house in detached on a quiet cul-de-sac, with a large driveway, large garden. It's still a 3 bed, but it has the scope to extend, which our current house also doesn't have.

He's worried about money, I know that, but our outgoings will stay the same. I am looking to change jobs to a better paid one, but will need to put 2 kids in nursery to do so, so my wage probably won't change from what it is now. He earns well, but it's quiet at the moment, and his current work place is an hour away from the new house, and it will add 2 hours onto his already long night shifts. He's applied for over 30 jobs closer to the new house and not heard anything back so he's getting stressed about that too.

He's also refusing to pack so I've had to make a start on my own, with 2 under 2. I can do bits in the evening but I still won't get it all done by myself.

Does anyone have any advice? AIBU to still want to move? How do I convince DH it's going to be short term stress for long term happiness? His brain doesn't seem to work like mine and he's not very rational/logical, especially when he's in one of his funks.

He's probably burnt out and the fact that he's getting stressed out at the tiniest changes is a good indicator. We haven't seen economic conditions like this for a long time and it's hard to see a light in the tunnel especially with night shift work and increasing interest rate woes.
The extra commute sounds hellish but really maybe prioritising a bit of personal space for DH post work might do the trick?
Saying things are simultaneously difficult for you both and his attitude is unhelpful isn't a good solution as it creates more friction and we don't know why he's feeling what he's feeling. We are just reacting to his behaviour and expecting him to resolve it.
It's a tough workload you're both balancing with work and home but men have a shorter emotional fuse and are worse at dealing with their emotions and communicating so telling him to simply man up will dent your relationship quite significantly.
You both have however committed to this life of raising kids and building a nice home together and there are stressful periods at times.
Assure him that it will be okay and he sounds like the sort of guy that will stick by you no matter what and will come round to helping you pack once he watches you get on with it. Don't ask for his help. He'll feel guilty and you can talk when he starts to help you.
Men take longer to process and understand their own feelings than women in general so it's not going to be fixed in a few days. He should come around.

Wishing you all the best and remember its a Leo full moon this weekend so be prepared for some dramatic stuff and be an ocean of calm.

Mozero · 04/02/2023 20:23

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 03/02/2023 16:35

Look him in the eye and say "Life is stressful pal. Now put on your big boy pants and start packing. We've worked 8 months for this and were not giving up now".

Maybe have some rousing music playing in the background.

This is how you get misogyny. Telling men to emotionally shut up while women get the full technicolour palette is peak toxicity and should not be encouraged.

Bad take. Ignore.

Mozero · 04/02/2023 20:25

Marango · 04/02/2023 20:18

Wow he needs to grow some. If you pull out you will have wasted legals, searches, mortgage application fees (if getting a mortgage), if getting a mortgage and purchase has been going months presumably your existing mortgage offer interest rate is much better than what you'd get now if starting again? There are so many reasons to do it and once all the aggro is over and dust settled he'll look back and wonder wtf was the matter with him!

If only one of you actually wanted to sit down with him and discuss how he's feeling and why instead of spewing vitriolic hate at him.
Hell, he might even be excited to move if you just cared enough to ask.

P.S. I hope none of you raise your sons like this.

Desertbarncat · 04/02/2023 20:27

Don’t move an hour drive away from his work. That’s an awful long drive every single day.

MysteryBelle · 04/02/2023 20:33

Glad things are going better!

Quintern · 04/02/2023 20:48

Sounds to me like he’s mostly stressed about the money, ie that he needs to get a better paying job nearby, or else you can’t afford to make the improvements that will make the new house nice. Can you persuade him on the financial front?

N12 · 04/02/2023 20:52

Wow - what a massive lack of sympathy towards the guy who works nights and is about to have +2hours added to his commute every day.

If this will push him over the edge, investigate lowering your mortgage payments to allow him to see if he can do one less shift a week to help him cope. You can always renegotiate the term later without financial penalty if you want to increase payments later when he hopefully finds a job closer to the new home.

Try to look for solutions together that could make his life better.

Christ, it's no wonder suicide is so common in men with the way so many in this thread think they should be treated when they are struggling mentally.

Abitofalark · 04/02/2023 20:53

As Mrs Thatcher famously said to President George H Bush 'This is no time to go wobbly.' And he didn't. You are driving ahead, planning and reorganising and my sense is that you and your husband are about to get over that final hurdle in a day or two.

Once you do, you will never regret leaving a noisy road and neighbours for a bigger detached house and quieter neighbourhood. You just need to hold your nerve, both of you, get some extra help in if needed and see his doctor if necessary for some temporary relief of stress to get him over the line in one piece.

I have my fingers crossed for you both and can't wait to hear from you when you have done it and let us know you have arrived safely in the new house.

Patineur · 04/02/2023 20:54

Wow - what a massive lack of sympathy towards the guy who works nights and is about to have +2hours added to his commute every day.

But that was perfectly avoidable. And, although he hasn't taken steps to avoid it so far, there is no reason why he can't rectify it very quickly, so the extra commute won't last for long.

Original poster
LightBuzzyear27 · 04/02/2023 20:56

Very interesting to see the split opinions on telling him to grow up/suck it up. I do think it's a bit harsh and wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that he was just panicking.

Thankfully, very few if you actually that think I should have gone along with it and pulled out.

I'm glad that he seems to have come round on his own, I've not pushed the issue at all. He sorted out the new movers unprompted.

I made us dinner and we're sat having a beer watching TV now. He said he's feeling a bit less stressed now and we've talked about what we want to get done tomorrow and Monday before he's in work.

Hopefully, it was just a momentary freak out and he won't be wanting to pull again by Monday!

OP posts:
Runninouttatime · 04/02/2023 21:01

Do it. It will be stressful. You are likely to end up exhausted and your husband is completely out of order for his behaviour. What a shame he is unable to see the bigger picture. What a complete fool!

You will be much better off for it and so will your children. Go for it. Dig deep, push on and don’t look back. Best of luck and enjoy your new home!

Rosiefifi · 04/02/2023 21:07

To be honest no if he can't find a job adding 2 hours onto a long shift to commute is very dangerous.. it can cause you to fall asleep and crash the car. I don't blame him for wanting to pull out of the house sale there's no way I'd be willing to add on 2 hours to my work day for extra driving. Would you be willing to do the same?

Rosiefifi · 04/02/2023 21:10

I work long shifts as a HCP and if my DH suggested moving somewhere far from work and expect me to put with 2 hours driving on top of long shifts I'd tell him to piss off.

Weenurse · 04/02/2023 21:19

Good luck with the move 💐☕️

Patineur · 04/02/2023 21:21

Rosiefifi · 04/02/2023 21:10

I work long shifts as a HCP and if my DH suggested moving somewhere far from work and expect me to put with 2 hours driving on top of long shifts I'd tell him to piss off.

What if the move was your idea in the first place? And if you knew it would be very easy to change jobs, with no notice period in your current job and an immediate start in a new job?

saraclara · 04/02/2023 21:43

Rosiefifi · 04/02/2023 21:10

I work long shifts as a HCP and if my DH suggested moving somewhere far from work and expect me to put with 2 hours driving on top of long shifts I'd tell him to piss off.

It was OP's DH who instigated the move.

Clearly you've not bothered reading all her posts.

Rosiefifi · 04/02/2023 21:55

saraclara · 04/02/2023 21:43

It was OP's DH who instigated the move.

Clearly you've not bothered reading all her posts.

Show quote history

I've just caught up with the OPs posts. She says he works five days a week 10-12 hours per day is that commute time on top ? He's been looking and not found as well paying job. I think many people would be panicking and low in that situation. Many women on here do not work very very long days so don't realise how knackering it is. I'm not one for saying the poor menz but as I work very long hours myself I get the DHs cold feet and worries. Hopefully he will source something soon.

Untitledsquatboulder · 04/02/2023 21:56

N12 · 04/02/2023 20:52

Wow - what a massive lack of sympathy towards the guy who works nights and is about to have +2hours added to his commute every day.

If this will push him over the edge, investigate lowering your mortgage payments to allow him to see if he can do one less shift a week to help him cope. You can always renegotiate the term later without financial penalty if you want to increase payments later when he hopefully finds a job closer to the new home.

Try to look for solutions together that could make his life better.

Christ, it's no wonder suicide is so common in men with the way so many in this thread think they should be treated when they are struggling mentally.

👏 👏 👏

Talk about flogging the donkey to death - poor bastard.

girlswillbegirls · 04/02/2023 21:57

plumduck · 03/02/2023 16:28

The extra commute sounds horrible but he's had loads of time. It's too late now. He needs to grow up, he's got a family.

That is very unfair comment, he has got a family, but so does she. Adding two hours to your commute is a very good reason not to move. It's a massive change.
And I do think the OP mentioned he works shifts on top of it. I did this in the past, you need to experience that extreme tiredness to understand it. It's not fair one person putting up with all the stress of making lots of mmoneyand long commmutes for buying a bigger/detached/nicer house.

I do think OP the stress of your husband is reasonable. He knows he can't just get "any job" but one that pays him well, so he can pay for a nice house/area. And he knows he won't be able to enjoy it with that sort of commute.
Postpone that purchase till either you make more money, or you have a better plan around that commute.
Sorry I am with him on this one.

T1Dmama · 04/02/2023 22:05

100% just talk about the positives and avoid anything negative.
“oh I can’t wait to get away from these neighbours and be so peaceful’
’I can’t wait to be able to park on our own drive’ etc
Moving is one of the most stressful things we do, your husband will calm down.
hope the move goes well. Goodluck

Rosiefifi · 04/02/2023 22:07

girlswillbegirls · 04/02/2023 21:57

That is very unfair comment, he has got a family, but so does she. Adding two hours to your commute is a very good reason not to move. It's a massive change.
And I do think the OP mentioned he works shifts on top of it. I did this in the past, you need to experience that extreme tiredness to understand it. It's not fair one person putting up with all the stress of making lots of mmoneyand long commmutes for buying a bigger/detached/nicer house.

I do think OP the stress of your husband is reasonable. He knows he can't just get "any job" but one that pays him well, so he can pay for a nice house/area. And he knows he won't be able to enjoy it with that sort of commute.
Postpone that purchase till either you make more money, or you have a better plan around that commute.
Sorry I am with him on this one.

Show quote history

This is it , working 5 days a week 10-12 hours night shifts then commuting on top. It's a recipe for falling asleep at the wheel and crashing. Then expected to help pack up and move house. Many women don't do the long hours thing or think being at home with the DC is the same level of tiredness. I've been at home with DC/part time work and no it's no where near the same as having to be constantly alert working long hours + commuting.

TheGrandmother · 04/02/2023 22:24

Difficult situation. I think you both have made rational points. Don’t let his stress blind you to the fact that he may be right. Difficult to assume he’s wrong every time he gets stressed. “The boy who cried wolf” etc. The toll extra commute takes is bad for his health. You can’t be sure you’d get better pay. I’m just pointing out stuff that I’ve not seen in some of the comments. Sinking all your money into the new house is putting all your eggs in one basket.
I wish you lots of luck. Whatever you decide will work if you continue to love and care for each other. (The neighbours sound a real pain - I feel for you!) But maybe better the devil you know?
Good luck.

TheGrandmother · 04/02/2023 22:30

PS. Just read your last post from this evening. Sounds very positive. Great! Wonderful! Ignore all I said!!!
You two sound as if you have a great relationship.

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