DH wants to pull out of house purchase because it's "too stressful"

[LightBuzzyear27]

We are 8 months into a house sale and purchase, and are literally days away from exchange and due to complete a week today. For a few weeks DH has been grumbling about how stressful it is, how he doesn't think it would be worth it, and doesn't actually care if we move anymore, but he's never actually said "let's pull out". I reassured him it will all be fine and not to stress about anything. Things have still progressed and we got a call today to say we couldn't exchange today as planned but will hopefully be Monday or Tuesday next week now, still with a view to complete on Friday. DH has now come out and said he doesn't actually want to move, it's too stressful with the uncertainty of if it is actually going to go ahead, the packing and actual moving will be stressful, and we won't be able to do anything we want to do to it straight away as we're sinking all out money into it, so that will be stressful too.

Now, unfortunately, when DH gets even the tiniest bit stressed, he shuts down/withdraws/loses interest and there's no coming back from it. And now I don't know what to do, as it seems either way one of us will be unhappy.

We have 3 kids, and are moving about half an hour away. It will be closer to my parents though that is not the reason for the move. We are in a 3 bed semi, on a busy road, with noisy inconsiderate neighbours, no driveway for our 2 cars, and a small garden. The new house in detached on a quiet cul-de-sac, with a large driveway, large garden. It's still a 3 bed, but it has the scope to extend, which our current house also doesn't have.

He's worried about money, I know that, but our outgoings will stay the same. I am looking to change jobs to a better paid one, but will need to put 2 kids in nursery to do so, so my wage probably won't change from what it is now. He earns well, but it's quiet at the moment, and his current work place is an hour away from the new house, and it will add 2 hours onto his already long night shifts. He's applied for over 30 jobs closer to the new house and not heard anything back so he's getting stressed about that too.

He's also refusing to pack so I've had to make a start on my own, with 2 under 2. I can do bits in the evening but I still won't get it all done by myself.

Does anyone have any advice? AIBU to still want to move? How do I convince DH it's going to be short term stress for long term happiness? His brain doesn't seem to work like mine and he's not very rational/logical, especially when he's in one of his funks.

when DH gets even the tiniest bit stressed, he shuts down/withdraws/loses interest and there's no coming back from it.

This is called stonewalling and is very manipulative behaviour.

Oh fucks sake he's allowed to worry about working 12 hour night shifts 5 days a week then a commute on top as well as packing up a house. Frankly it's going to damage his health , He's a human being not an android.

When we bought our first place (early 90s), the seller’s husband went on holiday and left her to pack up a two bed house with two young kids with only the help of her mother. No wonder they hadn’t finished packing when we completed the sale at noon. We didnt finally get into the empty place until 9pm that night. I can’t imagine she ever forgave him! She left his pool cue in the loft, which I’m hoping was deliberate 😉

Please help me understand why you post this seeking feedback or an answer from your peers? Why can't you speak with him and handle it? I'm curious to understand the communitarian approach?

Moving is stressful, if he puts this one off it will still happen at a later time. If you can afford it, get packers in to ease your strain. Once there is no going back he will resign himself to the move, and once you are in your new home, he will be grateful that you persevered. And hopefully he will find a job with less commuting time.

I’m autistic and although I’m absolutely fucking desperate to move out of London im also absolutely terrified. Fear of change is a massive thing with neurodiverse people and that’s without a two hour daily commute! You said he has untreated ADHD, have you considered autism too?

Exactly!!! Hope he changes his mind!! For everyone’s sake ..

Tell him to man up, & grow up as well - he can still look for another job after you have moved !!

You'll have to carry him through. Sorry about this OP.

I'm not legitimising his behaviour but it's a reaction to overwhelming anxiety.

I used to have it without realising over stuff like holidays.

Hopefully he will pull his finger out eventually once it's underway.

Continue with the move. You need to reassure him that his decision to move was the right one for your family and to not rely on his last minute panic thoughts. Please also pay the removalist to pack for you. I made this mistake for a few home moves. The last move was the easiest as I did not pack. It is not worth your time or stress and the time you save is well worth the amount they charge to do this.

And you didn’t read the post!!

In the whole scheme of things getting your home sorted is a far more permanent and important decision than the commute/ job situation. The latter can be addressed and OP has pointed out that DH will get alternative employment relatively easy. Finding a better home not so easy. It’s clear and stated that DH is having a stress related reaction. This will temporarily affect their job searching as it’s likely the MH makes it difficult for them to cope with that much change. Very typical of ND. I am involved with very close relative in same state about having to move and it turns into an irrational and annoying obstinacy. Home first, job sorted after. It’s clear OP is dealing with this the right way good luck to them all will be well

Adding two hours to the commute for what is likely to be a very short time is not a valid reason to junk all the very good reasons they have for moving. It's not as if it's necessarily the end of the world if he has to take a slightly lower paying job initially, given that he will save on the costs of commuting and OP will be moving to better paid work.

If he can get a new job quickly that's a big if with the same pay. if not OP will have to muck in and work more. I would rather have my DH alive than living in the perfect house. I don't think you have ever worked night shifts with very long hours ? It's bone achingly exhausting a 2 hour commute on top is very risky.

Agreed.

DH is the same way and pushing him on it/'reading the riot act' as a PP said would just shut him down more because it would compound the fear and he would 'freeze' up, not be able to pack or plan or rationalise anything.

Reassurance about the drawbacks, acknowledging his worries, and then quietly getting on with it anyway would be the way forward for me.

WOW, I see a lot of selfish women in this comment. As someone who moved 1.5 hours away from all my family and friends to keep my husband from the commute. I think you should reconsider. I used to commute an hour to work...until I fell asleep at the wheel and nearly hit someone head on. No house is worth losing your hubby, either to stress, an accident, or divorce when he feels like he can't take anymore. Wait until he is assured of a closer job and for the rates to come down. Also get hubby some therapy, it sounds like he needs it for his mental wellbeing; couples therapy as well to learn how to deal better together as these issues arise. To me there is nothing more important than my husband's and children's safety, and mental health. The wait also gives you a chance to look for a job as well. Your perfect house may not even be on the market yet.

I can understand his frustration. Our DD has been looking at open homes for months and months, 4 offers in and she has had one accepted with lots of too’ing and fro’ing. No pricing guide, others made offers too which was well outside of owners expectations.

however land agents are a law unto themselves and hardly worth the money they charge for their input.

This! Exactly bloody this.

i was almost tempted to make a list of the hideous comments.

As I’ve mentioned above, he sounds unwell. Suggest a GP appointment and even offer to go with him for support.

To those saying he needs to tell her what’s going on with him… he has!

He is finding this TOO STRESSFUL. He’s actually used the words. There’s no reading between lines needed. He's clearly UNABLE to engage productively. He needs help not being told to get a grip (that’s one of the nicer ones).

Imagine of this was a woman on here with an initial post saying she was clearly unwell and her husband has told her to ‘hold her nerve’ ‘get a grip’…. Even suggesting that she was being manipulative and had an attitude! There would be uproar, he’d be abusive and she’d be told to LTB.

I don’t want to shake things for you but just a ‘make sure you’re sure’ thing- especially with the commute. We bought in 2007. I remember Christmas 2006 I had a feeling and everyone said to me it was too late. For so many reasons it was the hugest mistake of our life and if I could go back and only lose that initial €5000 I would be the happiest person in the world!!

You already know he will regret not moving so you need to carry on. Your issue is keeping DH on track until you move. So you need to have a good talk with him. He must know himself that he lets the stress get to him. Remind him of the positives that will lessen his stress - no more horrible neighbours, no more noise, easy parking, future scope for the new house etc etc. Reassure him about the job situation, believe me, I've had to do the same for a while but a job will come up eventually. Go for it otherwise you will all end up in an unhappy state.

I used to do a daily door-to-door commute of 1 and 3/4 hour into London with 2 under 4's. It's doable, but is hard. I did it for 5 years then had enough £ to go self-employed. A means to an end. Your DH will get a job closer to home, perseverance beats resistance!

Your DH is responding normally to a house move - it is stressful - but then unacceptably to packing, so you may need to get some help in. Would that reduce his stress level? I asked family and friends to help, they did it was worth taking them out for a meal as a reward!

I'm in a position where I'm selling my first home and have already moved back into my dad's house as he moved up north to live with a new partner. I have just accepted an offer on it, so I'm hoping it doesn't take another 8 months to complete considering its taken a year just to get to this stage. I do get the stress the DH is in to some extent, although I had the advantage of being able to move out and sort things out pre-sale. I hope you do complete next week, I need the money to pay off some debts so I'm hoping with it being a first time buyer it won't take as long as that.

Just to put your mind at ease, whilst yes it can take months and months if there are problems or rubbish solicitors, but the first house we offered on fell through at the last minute before exchange. That was in October, so that was about 4 months. Our offer on this house was accepted in November, so hasn't actually taken all that long. I also know someone who sold in June last year and completed in August. We also sold my grandad's house in March last year and I think we completed in May, though admittedly there was no chain.

Really depends on what they are doing, my old neighbours made my life hell. 5 years of bullying and when they found out I have bipolar they upped the anti. I bought my own home last October, previous to that in 2022 alone they made 2 complaints to the cops, 2 to the dog warden, 1 to the anti social and and numerous ones to my landlord. Not one was upheld, as I had proof, he just expected everyone to take his work for it even though I have proven heaps o times he was a liar. The final straw for me was I saw them in the garden damaging theor own fence, I knew they were up to something so I videoed them, next morning I had the police at my door cause they had reported me for damaging their fence. Copper had a good laugh when he say my video and checked previous history as I had been keeping a log woth the police of their behaviours

He needs to build some resilience. Life is stressful, but he is a husband and a father and needs to grow up and take responsibility. The decision was made and you have to stick to it and make it work.

Is there anyone in the extended family who can help offer additional support during this stressful time? I do think it is important for people to have a 'village/community' in their lives to help each other out.

I fear parents in a nuclear family are expected to do too much alone these days, and it does bring about additional stress.

In regards to packing, how old are the children? Perhaps they can be involved. As Mary Poppins says, "in every job there is to be done there is an element of fun. Find the fun and snap the job's a game." Try and make it a fun adventure for the whole family.