DH wants to pull out of house purchase because it's "too stressful"

[LightBuzzyear27]

We are 8 months into a house sale and purchase, and are literally days away from exchange and due to complete a week today. For a few weeks DH has been grumbling about how stressful it is, how he doesn't think it would be worth it, and doesn't actually care if we move anymore, but he's never actually said "let's pull out". I reassured him it will all be fine and not to stress about anything. Things have still progressed and we got a call today to say we couldn't exchange today as planned but will hopefully be Monday or Tuesday next week now, still with a view to complete on Friday. DH has now come out and said he doesn't actually want to move, it's too stressful with the uncertainty of if it is actually going to go ahead, the packing and actual moving will be stressful, and we won't be able to do anything we want to do to it straight away as we're sinking all out money into it, so that will be stressful too.

Now, unfortunately, when DH gets even the tiniest bit stressed, he shuts down/withdraws/loses interest and there's no coming back from it. And now I don't know what to do, as it seems either way one of us will be unhappy.

We have 3 kids, and are moving about half an hour away. It will be closer to my parents though that is not the reason for the move. We are in a 3 bed semi, on a busy road, with noisy inconsiderate neighbours, no driveway for our 2 cars, and a small garden. The new house in detached on a quiet cul-de-sac, with a large driveway, large garden. It's still a 3 bed, but it has the scope to extend, which our current house also doesn't have.

He's worried about money, I know that, but our outgoings will stay the same. I am looking to change jobs to a better paid one, but will need to put 2 kids in nursery to do so, so my wage probably won't change from what it is now. He earns well, but it's quiet at the moment, and his current work place is an hour away from the new house, and it will add 2 hours onto his already long night shifts. He's applied for over 30 jobs closer to the new house and not heard anything back so he's getting stressed about that too.

He's also refusing to pack so I've had to make a start on my own, with 2 under 2. I can do bits in the evening but I still won't get it all done by myself.

Does anyone have any advice? AIBU to still want to move? How do I convince DH it's going to be short term stress for long term happiness? His brain doesn't seem to work like mine and he's not very rational/logical, especially when he's in one of his funks.

I’ve just read your posts OP. Glad to see things are coming along and you have better movers. It makes all the difference with the big pieces of furniture.

I’m not sure if anyone mentioned but what I would be saying is ‘just picture ourselves this summer, lovely garden, better neighbours, no noise, a beer in hand. It’s going to be great’. Plant that picture in his head over and over as something positive to look forward to.

We self built our house and it was at times v v stressful. I used to stand in the new empty kitchen where the sink was going to be imagining my view. Now I stand in the finished job 5 years on and still appreciate how that thought got me through some days and am v thankful.

good luck, your new house sounds fab and the new job might be easier to find when you are actually settled in.

This sounds difficult. I hear in this message a worry about money. This is a serious concern in todays economy. I can also see in order to generate the income you need to buy this house, a man and wife will not see much of one another. The commute you’re asking of him is huge. Let’s not pretend it isn’t. I don’t know what kind of job he has but I know most people want to get back to their families at the end of the day or night. Commute time eats into life time. Commute time is dead time. Most of us are willing to commute an hour and that’s long enough tbh. You have the opportunity to extend your home? You won’t be able to afford for years and your kids will be grown so you won’t need it. Sometimes a new start in a new house feels like the end of woes but sometimes it’s the beginning of new woes. Your DH is trying to tell you something about your life (and his) but you’re not listening. You think this is best for everyone but he’s telling you that it isn’t. He’s not being difficult. Maybe he’s trying to protect your relationship? What’s this fresh start really all about? What’s his resistance all about? You need to get to the bottom of that. It doesn’t sound like his money fears are irrational. Be real about what your family needs right now. Is it space or is it time? Are you running towards space because you fear time with your family? With your husband? Why you giving your time away like this? The time that’s going to be taken from your life to pay for all of this cant be returned to you. And we don’t have the time we think we have in life. In my experience it’s what we waste the most of and for things we don’t need. When we give it away it destroys our relationships, our spirit and our health. All these things you think you’re giving your family in this house move, maybe you’re actually taking something more valuable away from them but it can’t be seen right now. I would listen to your husband and not because the man knows better because I don’t believe this house move has anything to do with parking or noisy neighbours. You have three kids. How quiet is your home? I hope it’s noisy as hell because that’s a beautiful sound. You’re very lucky. I think maybe don’t underestimate the concerns of your husband or what the universe is telling you because it’s not an accident this exchange is taking as long as it’s taking. You’re at crossroads. This decision will impact your family for years to come. Make sure this decision is the right one. You’ll be living with it for a long time. I hope it all goes well for you and your family. It’s possible he has cold feet. It’s also possible he can feel the time drain debt creates and the consequences of it for your family if things should go pear shaped. Be real about all of this. You get one life. Your kids get one childhood. I never heard an adult reflecting on their childhood and say “my childhood is great we have loads of parking” but I hear a lot of adults reflecting on their choosing citing money worries and how they never saw their parents who were always stressed about money. Just saying. Good luck x

You are most certainly not being unreasonable OP - but he is. If DH had wanted to stop this move he should have talked this over with you months ago, not days before you are due to exchange! By the way, your new house sounds perfect for you in (almost) every way - particularly as you say that your outgoings will remain the same. Stand your ground OP. It's not fair on you, your kids and, the other vendors involved in this chain to back out now. Good luck to you.

I'd make a list of the pro's and con's together.
Assuming the pro's outweigh the con's, ask him then to justify not moving.
Never force someone to choose, cos 9 times out 10 they'll choose the opposite to what you want.

Pack everything up apart from his stuff, complete on the house and you and the kids move to a better place.

There are people out there that would absolutely love to buy their FIRST property, let alone upsize to somewhere that sounds ideal (hint: me and my family)...

If he's going to act like a child, treat him like a child, buy him a pack of adult nappies and tell him to keep sulking - but he'll be doing it in rented accommodation......

Your new house (excluding the commute for your DH's current job) sounds what you need. I'd be supportive of the house move and hope DH is ok once we're there. Is there any chance you could pay a removal company to pack to take the stress off you with that?

Consider paying for someone to do the packing. It will take a lot longer than you think.

Your DH is being unreasonable

He's also being lazy

It is a long slog selling a house and packing up nearer the time. Ofc you still move

Can you pay the house movers to pack for you? It'll cost about £600 extra but far less than it's cost of you broke the chain

It's ridiculous that he's withdrawn - he needs to adult up

We all go through this pain when we move house, some less painful some chains are more painful... you've done the worst part, it's the physical last push the last spring to the end now. It's be crazy to give up now. Don't let him

Sometimes is adults and parents have to slog through the difficult stuff the physical stuff
Once it's done you won't have to move again (hopefully ever..!)

I'd push it all over the line or I were you OP and tell your DH to just crack on and not wino out at this last bit. Please ask your lovers for a quote to Pack for you, they are genius and so quick at that

Movers
Not lovers

I know of people who have longer commutes and very long days. They weigh this up with the pros of living in a fabulous house, in a beautiful area and near good schools. They go flat out in the weekend for family time and really live a full and happy family life. It can be done.

Without knowing his reasons, and you don't either, no one can say.
Strikes me he is being wise. Property prices in the UK are falling so there will be good deals to be had and a wider choice. However, that is relative to your property being valued lower as well.
There is BIG trouble on the horizon and only a fool will put his family at risk, financially. You say the outgoings will be similar, but you will still have to stump up a lot of cash for the moving process, not to mention the cost of different furniture and repairs. You will want the best for your family, so new furniture and decorations are a certainty. I expect Husband knows this and loves you so much that he can't face disappointing you by saying, WE ARE STAYING.
Good luck.

I'm puzzled with the amount of women saying OP's husband needs to "man up" and "grow up" etc. WTF.
So he needs to swallow an extra 2 hours of commute in an already long day. And it seems he is the one with the career, stressful job etc, not her.
How is it OK to keep pushing until the woman gets the nice lifestyle- the big house, the big garden, neighbors etc while he is trying not to crash his car with tiredness until the super mortgage is paid.
But hey, he needs to man up and pay for the house..and then the extension...and then the expensive holidays to keep up with the new neighbours.

Seriously, women need to experience all that shit before they talk. I did those shifts. I did the long commute. And as soon as I could I moved to a better job did, better paid and nice hors. But didn't have a husband telling me I had to do it so he could enjoy a lovely garden and detached house.
I did nearly fall sleep a few times. It's a killer, it's no joke.

I've been the seller of a house where the buyer pulled out for this reason just before exchange and didn't even tell the estate agent. The first we knew was when our solicitor sent an email sending his apologies for the move falling through. Not one agent in the chain was aware. It was really annoying as the whole chain collapsed, not to mention it was the 2nd time we'd had a chain collapse. It was also a house I'd wanted for a long time and still to this day I'm gutted we lost it.
If you honestly think it's a move for the better encourage him it's better to go ahead. I can see why he's reluctant if it's going to add 2hrs to his day though.

If they pull out before exchange it won't cost them

If its taken 8mths it would be madness to cancel the sale and then go back on the market in another 6 to 12mths. You also might not get the same price and prices are slowly dropping. Not to mention you might struggle to find something to buy. Is it possible there is something he's not telling you about his work? Does he think he's about to lose his job?

Hope your DH hasn't taken you at hour word and pulled out!!.

If you don't sell you don't pay your estate agent. Most solicitors are no sale no fee but will ask you to pay for any disbursements if you haven't already

You are still able to pull right up until you exchange contracts. After that date you cannot pull out, so please bear that in mind whatsoever you decide

If you don't sell you don't pay your estate agent.

If you pull out of a proceedable sale at the 11th hour you may well have to pay the estate agent.

@LightBuzzyear27
Hope it all goes well when you move later this week

If you're only moving 30 minutes away from your current house, how does it add two hours to his commute?

If this move something he ever really signed up to or have you ploughed ahead without actually listening to his previous concerns/feedback?

Exactly I've done both and it was much easier looking after DC and a little part time job for pin money rather than working 12.5 hour night shifts with a drive home, if it was really long I would have probably died I nearly crashed the car because of tiredness and it was 45 mins drive home I can't imagine 2 hours. Some women on here seem to think working really long hours is nothing and what's important is the massive house , large garden , super mortgage and status. They need to get a job like that then give their opinion. They need to work more if they want better things not expect their spouses to work themselves to death

Estate agents' fees are payable generally on introduction of a ready, willing and able buyer. Obviously your buyer comes into that category so fees would almost certainly be payable.

Yet again, the strong likelihood is that the extra commute will be for minimal time. Indeed, by accepting a bit less pay the chances are that he could avoid it completely.